When guilt turns to shame

“You aught to be ashamed of yourself”. It's a guilt trip, but in my book it should more rightly be called a shame trip. As I have said before if it is guilt we are asking “what wrong did I do?” Shame's question on the other hand is “What is wrong with me?” We can repent of having done something we have done, but how do we repent of being flawed? It is a lie, even if it is a question!

Many of the systems of the World are shame based. We use shame to manipulate each other. We look down on, and shame others in an attempt to try to feel better about ourselves (I'm not as bad as him!). Or we shame them by withholding approval in order to get back at them for some real or perceived wrong. Sometimes we shame ourselves. We do this when we beat ourselves up after having messed up in some way. After having failed one time, I was feeling bad for weeks. I had walked in victory for months, and was feeling that at last with the Lord's help I was finally over my problem, and them bam! The Lord, after assuring me of His love, acceptance and forgiveness, told me “It is time to put the guilt aside. You have tortured yourself enough!”

We have talked about forgiveness, but sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. We have this sense that, well I don't deserve to be forgiven, and we misguidedly think that if we beat up on ourselves long enough it will help us not to do it again. It does not work. With addictions for example, shame is part of the addictive cycle. The negative emotions accompanying shame drag us down, and more often than not lead us straight back to craving for the anesthetic of our addiction (longing to escape if only for a while).

One of the characteristics of shame is that it hides, it puts up walls. “If they only knew what I was like they would reject me”. And it is true that some do, some will! Unfortunately this can even be true in Church. The Pharisees are alive and well and living on planet earth! The problem with walls though they may keep some of that bad out, they also keep the good out, and the existing bad in. There is an interesting principle in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective”.

Does it sound scary? Well I suppose it is, but you will not find healing behind walls. We also need to be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). In particular, it is important in seeking to follow this teaching, to find a safe place. A safe place is one where you will not be judged, where you will find a sympathetic ear, where what you tell will be held in the strictest confidence, where you will accepted and encouraged and (as the verse in James implies) prayed for. We really do need places that are safe. The wider Church is probably not that place. In many cases it would be unwise to do it there. I have found healing takes place best where there is a willingness for others to share too. The verse tells us to confess our faults to “each other”. This does not necessarily mean the minister/leader/priest. It is not meant ultimately to be a one way street. When it is, it can lead to dependence and vulnerability. It is helpful to have people around who have struggled with similar things. So we need Biblical based support groups, many more than currently exist. We need local chapters of AA and ALAON which emphasize Biblical recovery principles, we need abortion and abuse and divorce recovery groups etc., etc., etc. There is a crying need for safe places where those who are trapped in the dehumanizing influence of pornography can find support to escape their addiction.

And groups that work best are those which are small. This too is Biblical, they met house to house, and in the Temple (both large and small groups). It is hard for trust and intimacy to be built in large group settings. The best groups should also have a strong Biblical basis. As Christian counselors Cloud and Townsend say in their literature “Secular recovery principles that work all have their warrant in the Bible”. The Bible is profitable for showing where we are wrong, for setting us straight, and for instructing us in right living (2 Timothy 3:16). As I have said elsewhere, sometimes secular research illustrates Biblical principles (see “ The Sins of the Fathers … August 2010), at other times the Bible is a more than useful tool to help us to discern where secular research is based on some wrong idea or principle. But supremely a Biblically based recovery shows us how to access His healing, His Grace and peace as well as all the other resources of the Kingdom (see “Psychology without faith is lame” also from August 2010).

But what if you don't know of anyone or any group like this? Why not ask the Lord to lead you to others who are like minded in this, and who are serious about putting recovery principles into practice. If you cannot find people or a group that meets your need, then perhaps the Lord would encourage you to start one. One thing is for sure, if we continue to allow shame to keep us in hiding, we will not find the promised healing, and we will not have support that comes from being prayed for on a regular bases. The prayers of those who (in the righteousness of Christ) are righteous are indeed “powerful and effective” (James 5:16 again).