Relationships: An invitation to change

Many sum up their experience with romantic relationships by saying “You can't live with them, and you can't live without them!”  We're looking at God's blueprint for marriage (Genesis 2:24), but no matter where you are in life, married, unmarried or divorced, there's much here to help improve our relationships. And I dare say, we all still have a lot to learn! Most of us have had painful experiences here, and it's useful to think of them as crossroads. One of the roads, the road less travelled, is the one taken by those who take responsibility for their part in what went wrong.
It seems to be typical, at the break up significant relationships, that both parties blame the other 100% for what went wrong.  I would venture to say however, that it's never 100% to 0%.  When we are in pain however, and just about all breakups are painful, we are likely in no mood to be objective,  especially when the other person's faults are so obvious. It is amazing when we think about these things (if we even think about them at all) how other people's faults loom so large, while our own, in comparison, seem so small.  

But concerning zero blame, even when there’s significant wrong done, our response to the wrong done is often, in and of itself, wrong! I'm thinking about bitterness and resentment and what flows out of that.  And it's not just about the perpetrator (Hebrews 12:15).  I'm not saying it's not understandable!  Been there, done that! But if we are looking for blame, we'll not have very far to look. Nobody's perfect, not even me!  

My point is this, at the break up of a significant relationship,  we either learn a great deal, or we learn essentially nothing, well nothing worth knowing (i.e all men are ...,  all women are ...). And if this is you, you will likely take your own worst enemy (you), into the next relationship. Of course the more we learn about relationships before we enter into marriage, the better. Premarital counselling, to my way of thinking is essential, and the principles are helpful even afterwards. And it's never too late to start to deal with relationship issues (I recommend Dany Silk's  “Defining the Relationship” course)

Coming back to the pain of it all, I like what C.S. Lewis says,  namely that God whispers to us in our pleasure,  but shouts to us in our pain. His point, is that pain points to the fact that something is wrong, and that we need to look into what God is telling us it means!  The believer is encouraged to see everything as an opportunity, an invitation even,  to grow. In particular, all things work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. And part of that purpose is to make us more like Jesus, and to be fruitful (Romans 8:28,29).  But we need to cooperate, and here in relationships, it's about figuring our part in what when wrong, and making amends for it. It's the heart of twelve-step-programs, and there is much to say about these things.

Father, it's never too late to start to learn about relationships, how they work, and what in me needs to change in order to improve them,  even with You. You invite us to change with Your help, and in the fellowship of fellow travellers on this road. If we can't find such fellowships Lord,  help us to create them,  in Jesus Name Amen

The Book of books, the book of nature, the book of life

The Hebrew phrase 'Elleh Toledot' occurs throughout  Genesis in 2:4, 5:1,  6:9,  11:10 etc.  It is a literary device that divides Genesis into 'books' (see Genesis 5:1). It is translated consistently in KJV, ESV etc.,  as 'the generations of. ' The phrase acts as bookends to these 'books.'  Thus Genesis is a book of books, and in fact the Bible itself is “The Book of Books.”  In 2 Timothy 3:16 we read that all Scripture is inspired by God, or it is 'God breathed,' as one version has it.  Actually it could also be translated “God-Spirited,” that is it is inspired by the Holy Spirit. He is also the One who teaches us what it means (John 14:26). We are to test all things (1 Thessalonians 5:21), and allow the Bible to be our supreme authority, the measure against which all else is measured.

Of course God did not entirely restrict inspiration to Scripture. I believe that Handel's Messiah and twelve-step programs are inspired.  But the inspiration of Scripture is unique, and Scripture alone carries supreme authority. Having said that, the Bible itself points to two other 'books,' namely the 'book' of nature,  and the 'book' of life. Concerning the book of nature, we read for example,  that “the heavens proclaim the glory of God. Day after day they continue to speak; night after night they make Him known” (Psalm 19:1,2 NLT). Modern Science began in the Church with the understanding that God is a God of order, and so it only made sense to study and research nature, in order to study Him,  by studying His creation.  Science goes wrong when it excludes God, especially as the author of all things. But even then, research which is essentially looking for truth,  will I believe, eventually lead back to Him. It might just take a long time.

The other 'book' to which the Bible points is the 'book' of life. The Bible in general,  and the book of Proverbs in particular,  strongly endorses the study of the soul. In particular we are admonished to   “Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding” (Proverbs 4:7 NLT). Psychology of course,  is the study of the psyche (the Greek word for soul).  I have observed that anything in secular Psychology that works has a Biblical warrant. Take the genogram for example. A genogram is a kind of family tree that also chronicles family difficulties. The idea is to help us see negative family patterns so we can avoid them (see Exodus 20:5, 6).  But it's   one thing to know what to do, and quite another to do it. With Jesus as our higher power however, all things are possible (Philippians 4:13).

Like Science, secular Psychology can go wrong when it rejects Biblical concepts and/or God. In fact “the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding” (Job 28:28). One problem then is secular Psychology's reluctance to say that anything is evil. It's particularly problematic in a society that calls evil good, and good evil. Bear in mind, we reap what we sow (Isaiah 5:20; Galatians 6:7).

Father, we are to study to be approved by You (2 Timothy 2:15). There's so much treasure in Your Word Lord, but we have to suss it out.  Help us, help me, as we seek for deeper meanings in these early chapters of Genesis. And help us to obey,  so that we may move more and more towards the abundant life (John 10:10b) in Jesus Name Amen

Independence, interdependence, codependence


Our society tends to regard independence as the highest form of maturity. Yet there is something higher than independence, it's that form of interdependence defined as the willingness to surrender some aspects of our independence for the good of the relationship. Clearly the level at which we are prepared to yield our independence, depends on the type of relationship.  However, too much independence can sabotage a relationship, especially in marriage! Proverbs warn “Whoever isolates himself pursues selfish ends” (18:1). Selfishness leaves little room for intimacy. On the other hand surrendering too much independence (or never having attained it) is also toxic. It's called codependence.  A codependent person is someone whose thinking and behaviour revolves around others. These relationships can become enmeshed, each feeding off the other person's emotions, such as when a mother takes on her teenage daughter’s anxiety and depression!

Clearly, the best expression and balance of this, needs to be found in the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:21ff). And although Jesus was never married He does have something to teach us about this.  Four incidents in His Jesus are helpful here. The first is when Mary and Joseph had unwittingly left Him in Jerusalem. He was at the Temple about His Father's business.  They thought He was with the returning caravan.  At twelve,  Jesus is starting the journey from dependence, to independence. They gave him a mild rebuke,  He returned with them to Nazareth and was submissive to them (Luke 2:41-51).  Children are to obey and honour their parents. It comes with a promise that it may go well with them (Ephesians 6:1-3). He is growing in wisdom and stature (verse 52).

In the second story, they had run out of wine at a wedding that Jesus and his mother were attending. It would have been quite a disgrace! Jesus' mother  prevails on Him to do something about it, but He tells her “My time has not yet come!” Nevertheless,  He performs a miracle, changing water into wine (John 2:1-11). As a 30 something adult,  He continues to honour His mother, yielding some of his independence.  The next story is a counterbalances this. It was later when His mother and brothers came to take hold of Him, thinking He was out of His mind. Jesus was no longer a child, and no longer subject to them. Nevertheless He continues to honour his mother by gently putting up an appropriate boundary and disassociating himself from their intent (Mark 3:20-35). Having healthy boundaries is about knowing when and how to take a stand,  and when to yield.  They are about knowing who we are, and thus having the confidence to know what to do, and to do it well.

The final incident was as He was being crucified on the cross. From the cross He tasked the disciple John, with taking care of His mother, taking her into his home. He was no longer able to do so personally, but still in the midst of His pain He still fulfills His responsibility (John 19:26, 27).

Lord Jesus, it has been said that You are perfect theology, and indeed You show us the perfect balance between interdependence (leaving)  and honouring Your mother. As a child You were subject them, as an adult You gave us beautiful example of yielding part of Your independence.  Yet you were also able to put up appropriate boundaries. Finally Lord You did not neglect Your responsibility to provide for Your mother, even in the midst of unbelievable pain. We worship You this morning Lord in Your precious Name Amen

God's genius in inspiration

“All scripture is given by inspiration of God” (2 Timothy 3:16). Consider the Lord's job here, to write something that at some level could be understood by all people at all times, by cultures ancient and modern, by the wise and the unwise, by the rich and the  poor, by the intellectual and the uneducated.  At might want to say that He did a poor job, especially in the early chapters of Genesis, because clearly there is no part of Scripture that is more controversial, less understood,  and so widely ridiculed and dismissed than these chapters. Nevertheless, in my opinion He accomplished what He purposed.

We need to start by admitting that there can be a big difference between what Scripture says,  and what it means (interpretation). Jesus, for example, told us that unless we hate mother and father we cannot be his disciple (Luke 14:26). It’s hyperbole, exaggeration not meant to be taken literally. It means we are to love Him so much more than any earthly relationship. But if what I say is right how come there are so many different contradictory interpretations?

There's a principle here, “it is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings (believers - Revelation 1:6) is to search it out” (Proverbs 25:2). Searching for the truth has more to do with obedience and the heart, than with the intellect (Jeremiah 29:13; John 8:31, 32; Romans 1:18).  And along these lines, Jesus thanked the Father, the Lord of heaven and earth, that He has hidden these things from the wise and prudent and has revealed them to babes (Matthew 11:25).  Little children know, or perhaps feel,  what they are intended to know,  namely that they are loved, valued and secure, that life is good,  that it has meaning and purpose and, in the Father's love,  all is well. Little children don't get hung up on whether a day in the first chapter of Genesis was a literal 24 hour day,  or an period of time (as in “my father's day”). They don't get hung up on whether Adam and Eva are allegorical or literal. They don't judge whether someone is a true believer or not, according to whether they have “my”  interpretation of these things. They know intuitively that God created perfection, and that it was we who messed it up, and that somehow He has provided a way for us to get right with Him.

Little children then, do no get hung up on arguments about words which, among other things, come from pride (1 Timothy 6:4). Concentrating on such things actually prevent us from seeing and/or communicating the deeper truths. They are to miss whole point of what is written, namely to bring us into relationship with God (see John 5:39, 40; 1 John 5:13). I am not saying we should not be fully convinced in our minds about these things (Romans 14:5).  I'm also not saying we need to throw away reason and logic in order to believe. That would be to disobey the commandment to love God with all of our mind (Mark 12:30). And it seem the smarter you are,  the more work you have to do here. But if you truly love Him,  you will do that work!

Father,  we seek You and find You when we seek You with all of our heart (Jeremiah 29:13). It is a promise!  Hiding is part of Your genius in inspiration. It's the divine romance. You hide for us, not from us (Proverbs 25:2). And truly, You are not far from any one of us (Acts 17:27). Hiding also has to do with Your mercy, for we are responsible for the light we're given (Luke 12:48). But Lord, it's not Your desire that any should perish, but all come to life in You (2 Peter 3:9). Thank You Lord in Jesus Name Amen