Three steps in the forgiveness journey

It is important for us to acknowledging that forgiveness is often a process, a journey, not an instant fix! This morning I want to mention three possible stages in this journey. The first can be described as “I forgive you, but I don’t want anything to do with you.” In other words I forgive you but I’m putting up a boundary between us. The second stage is “I forgive you, and I will say hello to you if I bump into you in the hallway.” At this stage I am beginning to see that you are a person made in God’s image, and so worthy of respect. I am willing to acknowledge you, but I still do not feel safe in your presence. Trust remember, needs to be earned! The third stage is “I forgive you, and I am willing to take steps to become fully reconciled, and to be your friend.” Let me acknowledge, there will likely be times when we may never feel safe enough to arrive at this last stage.

With God’s help however, all things are possible, and by tapping into His extravagant healing grace, the third stage needs normally to be our goal (Hebrews 12:15)! The Lord is raising up various tools and ministries to help us do what he commands in this area (Matthew 18:21-35; 5:23,24). I keep mentioning twelve-step programs which, as I keep saying are useful for much more than addictions. These programs approach things systematically. This includes making a list of all people we had harmed and then making appropriate amends. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centred twelve-step program, suggests we list not only those we have harmed, but also those who have harmed us. When we come to this fearlessly and honestly, we discover many times that these are very same people. In this way we start to see the patterns which help us to come out of denial that we had any thing to do with the problem.

Al-Anon is a twelve-step program for those worried about someone with an addiction problem. This program often helps those who have thought of themselves as victims, to realize that, well yes they have suffered, but also that they may have enabled the addictive behaviour. And so again, as I keep saying, many times our response to wrong can make the problem worse. And when we come to see this, it really helps us, at least in my experience, in the the forgiveness journey. It also brings us closer to the the goal of confessing our faults one to another. It is here more than anywhere else, that we find healing (James 5:16 again).

Father, for many of us forgiving is difficult. We carry scars and deep hurts from the past. We need Your help Lord, and one of the things we need help with is letting go and trusting You that you will make all things right, if we surrender to Your will. And so I pray the serenity prayer again this morning Lord , that You would give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can (even when it's us), and the wisdom to know the difference. In Jesus Name Amen

How many times must I forgive my brother?

This was Peter’s question to Jesus, who essentially answered "infinity" (Matthew 18:21, 22)! God’s love and forgiveness is without end, and we are to be imitators of God. Many of us struggle with this however, and the command to forgive from the heart (Matthew 6:15) is likely a process. It starts with choosing, with God’s help, to forgive. Many times, it’s impossible without Him! Sometimes being told to forgive, can seem almost as abusive as that which caused the offence. But the ones who suffers the most from hanging onto an offence are the injured ones and those the injured ones love. In particular unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness rob us of joy, of the abundant life, and defile many (Hebrews 12:15).

I am never more aware as I am this morning, of the inadequacy of three paragraphs and a prayer to deal with issues of the heart. It is my hope and my prayer however, that these posts will lead to the start of pursuing what needs to be pursued. There is much written about forgiveness. As above, we need to forgive for ourselves, and we need to forgive because we ourselves need, and will need, to be forgiven. And unforgiveness cuts us off from this (Matthew 6:15). Salvation is after all, about being forgiven. I tell the boys down at the pen, that if they don’t know the Lord, then one of the biggest differences between me and them, is that I am forgiven, and they are not. Salvation, forgiveness, is of course offered to all as a free gift (Ephesians 2:8, 9). We received it through repentance and faith!

A few comments. Firstly if we wait until we feel like forgiving it will never happen. We need to act our way into feelings, not feel our way into acting. Secondly forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay, it was not. Related to this, is trust. Forgiveness needs to be freely offered, trust needs to be earned. The person at fault needs to realize that repentance is much more than saying sorry, there needs to be follow through. Evidence of true repentance takes time to manifest! Lastly forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook. True reconciliation in relationships, as opposed to a mere cessation of hostilities, will not likely happen unless and until both parties take responsibility for their part in what went wrong. In many ways this is all about having healthy boundaries.

Father, the reference in Hebrews talks about making sure that we do not fail to obtain Your grace to overcome resentment, bitterness and the like. Thank You Lord that You have made Your enabling grace, the wherewithal to do what we cannot do without You, so readily available. We do have to receive it, and it starts with asking You to help us to obey the command to forgive. Your answer to Peter's question, that we need to forgive seventy times seven, is not only about forgiving many offences, but that if we are to forgive from the heart, then we need to keep choosing over and over to forgive, possibly even a single offence. We need to keep on choosing to forgive until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And in all of this, we must not forget what it cost You to forgive us, and to respond accordingly (Matthew 18:21-35). So we thank and praise You again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (III) Amends

If you force a child to say sorry to his sibling, the apology might not be all that sincere. But it’s not just with children, and as adults if we don’t do it the right way, it can actually make things very much worse! In seeking to obey the command to go and confess your fault and so to be reconciled to your brother (Matthew 5:23,24), it is important how you do it, and also when you do it. This morning we will be drawing from this and other scriptures, together with insight from recovery ministries. In twelve-step programs this step is called making an amends, and we can learn a lot from their insight. The role of the sponsor in particular, can be very helpful in discerning what needs to be discerned!

It would be a lot easier to do this well, if our experience of doing so was always of joyful reconciliation. Nevertheless, we should not underestimate the power of a sincere, heartfelt apology. And in the end, we need to do this for ourselves as part of our healing (James 5:16 again). As with forgiveness, sincere and heartfelt is important. “I’m sorry for what I did, but…” does not cut it. The reality of the matter is, that likely there was fault on the other side, but confessing the other person’s fault in our “but,” will not be healing. If there is to be true healing of relationships, we need to take full responsibility for our part. And we need to be willing to go to our brother or sister without any expectation that the other person will apologize for their part. This is where humility is very, very necessary in making our amends.

If we are not ready to go without this expectation, we are not ready to go period. And when the time is right and we go, it may be prudent to add “I hope that in time, you will be able to forgive me” to our amends. Of course it may also be necessary to make restitution. Timing is important from the other person’s point of view too. It may be necessary to give the other person time to deal with their anger. We also should not do it just before a person is about to rush out through the door! It’s best to do it in person, but that’s not always wise or possible. We do of course have the Lord’s promise of wisdom when we ask James 1:5. The Lord may lead you to write a letter, or an email. As I say, it’s best if you can do it in person, where body language and tone will indicate your sincerity, or not if you are not ready! Twelve step programs talk about an exception to making amends "when to do so would injure them or others" (step 9).

Father, it seems to me that doing this, and doing this well, is part of what it means to humble ourselves under Your mighty hand. It is also, I believe, a part of what we need to do before Your promises kick that in due time You will lift us up, and that our righteousness will shine like the noonday sun (1 Peter 5:6; Psalm 37:6). Thank You for Your encouragement in these things heavenly Father. I know that You will continue the good work that You have started in each one of us. Give us the grace and the determination Lord to fully cooperate with You in this, in Jesus Name Amen.

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (III) Dynamics

Reconciliation between parties who, for whatever reason, are at loggerheads is intended to be a joyous thing. It is the heart of every parent that their children should get along. And it is at the heart of God that we should too. The instruction to as much as possible live at peace with all (Romans 12:18), is perhaps the essence of the scriptures we are looking at. The first, to go to my brother when it’s my fault, the second to go to him when it’s his (Matthew 5:24;18:15-17). It works best of course, when both are admitting their part in what went wrong (James 5:16). And this is something that is best learned early in the family, and in church. It needs to be at the very heart of the “village” dynamics. But as we have been saying, many times it is something to aim for, rather than the reality on the ground.

The reality on the ground, is much more likely that when one of the parties does something wrong, he or she may be reluctant to admit it. They may not even be conscious of doing wrong. Habits develop, and when we have gotten away with things in the past, it can become just part of background. Also the one to whom the wrong is done, more often than not finishes up compounding the problem. As I’ve said before, wrong reactions to wrongs done, are also wrong. Wrong responses include attack, or going and telling another brother rather than going to the brother. When we don’t take the problem to the person involved, we almost inevitably finish up involving others. And this far too easily slips into sowing discord among the brethren (Proverbs 6:19). In other words the problem is not contained, and it can infect the whole fellowship. And this is why it is so important to deal with these things Biblically!

And it’s not just what we do in trying to contain this, is also very much how and when we do it. We all know of situations where people don’t speak to each other for years. And when this happens the difficulties can fester rather than fade. So in the best of all worlds, sooner rather than later is best. On the other hand my own experience has been that at times going too soon just reminds the person of the wrong done, and anger can result. This is particularly the case when anger is part of that person’s family dynamic, or when that person’s way of dealing with things is to ignore the issue in the hope that it fades. Concerning how we do it, this is very much what we have been talking about in recent blogs in “considering ourselves,” and moving towards coming together in humility and grace at the foot of the cross (James 5:16).

Father, in trying to sort these things out, we truly need to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). The Scripture gives us much direction, but it has to be sussed out. We need Your help Lord, we need Your wisdom and gentleness. We need to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. We need humility and grace. So we ask for these things this morning Lord, and we thank You in advance that because this is Your heart, these things will surely be given. Thank You Lord in Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (II) Reconciliation

I suggested last day, that in order to cooperate with the Lord in his agenda to heal broken hearts and set captives free (Luke 4:18), the church needs to teach Biblically-based recovery principles. This needs to include how He wants us to deal in love and honour with relationship difficulties and breakdowns within our fellowships. It needs, of course to include teachings about not judging, being kind and compassionate, not letting the sun go down on our wrath etc. etc. I have suggested, that the goal in relationships is to come to the foot of the cross in love and humility confessing our faults one to the other and praying for one another. But like Adam and Eve after the fall, that is not likely our first reaction (Genesis 3:12).

In light of the widespread breakdown of relationships and marriages even in the church, ministry needs to be much wider than just from the pastor. Others need to come alongside hurting couples, to give help and advice, to teach about their own struggles in conflict resolution. One of the strengths of twelve-step programs, is that they bringing people together with like struggles. Twelve-step programs are useful not only in dealing with alcohol and drugs, but in fact with all the issues of life, grief, divorce, codependency etc. etc. Christ centred twelve-step programs are particularly useful, as you can then tap into Biblical teachings, principles and resources. I want to mention two passages this morning that deal with the resolution of relationship difficulties when things go wrong in relationships within the fellowship. We will be looking at one in particular, in the coming days.

I have often heard, even among adults “Well he started it!” So what does the Bible say about whose responsibility it is to stop it? Well actually both! So firstly if it’s your fault, you need to “leave your gift at the altar and go and be reconciled to your brother” (Matthew 5:24). On the other hand when your brother sins against you, there are a number of steps that we are commanded to take. The first, is that the offended party needs to got and try and sort it out between the two of them. If this does not work, one or two others should be brought alongside as mediators. The third step, if the first two fail, is to bring it to the church, the “village” in the title of this post. Finally if there is a refusal even then to be reconciled, there is to be discipline “treat him like a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). I know this sounds radical in our individualistic Western society. But how strongly Jesus felt about this process, is indicated by the fact that this is just one of two places where He felt it important enough to teach about Church, even before it came into existence (the other in Matthew 16:18).

Father, there seem to be one thousand and one ways that we can fail to put this last scripture into practice, in a Biblical way. But since Your primary goal in sending Jesus is to "gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him" (Ephesians 1:10), it is clearly very important to You. Give us the grace, courage and wisdom to do our part in this Lord. In Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (I) Proactivity

In the breakup of my second marriage there was neither person nor institution there, to come alongside and hold us accountable to our vows. I knew well that what was needed was a neutral third party, who would be able to help us to hear one another, someone who we both respected and therefore whose advice would carry weight with us both. It didn’t happen, and it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to find such a resource, I did! It simply was not there! It’s not supposed to be like that! But more and more, it’s exactly like that, in the increasing isolationism of our Western culture, even in church.

In fact in terms of taking responsibility, the church has by and large swung from the place where a divorced person was forbidden to remarry, where divorced persons were essentially outcasts in church, to the place where people fall in and out of marriage with nary a word spoken, with zero accountability, and little or no available help. It’s as though it’s none of our business! But while we must not busy bodies, this stance is soundly un-Biblical. I’m not suggesting that we returned to the rigid, often judgemental attitude towards divorce, and in a way the title of the post says it all. It is of course intended to be an echo of the saying it takes a village to raise a child. What I am saying, is that our Churches need to be proactively building, nurturing and restoring relationships as part of its very fabric.

And why do I say this? Well, it is very clear to me that in this day and age, the thief has focused his agenda to kill, steal and destroy on marriages and the family (John 10:10a). I keep mentioning twelve-step programs, and I do so, because the recovery principles that lie behind the steps, are thoroughly Biblical. It is most effective when the higher power is the God of the Bible, but certainly it’s not the only Biblically-based recovery ministry. These programs and ministers are not just for those caught up in addictions, they are for anyone with hurts, habits and hangups. In other words they are for each and every one of us. But what I want to say this morning, is that if the church is to be the salt and light in this wicked and hurting world, it needs to be proactive in this area. It needs to take up its Biblically mandated responsibility to teach Biblically-based recovery principles, and to be the Lord’s hands and feet in a primary agenda of His to heal broken hearts, and to set the captives free, and so to bring life in all it's fullness (Luke 4:18; John 10:10b).

Father, certainly is not just relationships where we need help, but inevitably if we don't deal with our baggage, then our relationships will suffer. Perhaps we need to see relationship difficulties as a symptom of something deeper, something that needs to be dealt with. Teach us Lord, teach me, to see each and every difficulty in life, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to draw close to You, an opportunity to show the world that You are real by the way that we do life. And we will of course, give You the glory and the honour in Jesus Name Amen

Confession, healing and intimacy (III) Prayer

I ask the Lord morning by morning, to give me something applicable to my own life as I write these blogs. And the Lord, being the playfully strategic God that He is, set me up this morning. In particular we are talking about confessing to one another, and yesterday I mentioned that I am naturally open. And now as we come to the subject of prayer in this third post on James 5:16, I am finding that I need to confess that my public prayer life is more impressive than the private prayer part. What I hadn’t noticed before though, is the connection of the first part of this verse (confess… and pray ..) to the last part “The fervent prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” We stand in His righteousness of course, and we need to be growing in righteousness (sanctification), but in order to claim healing and intimacy, our prayers need to be fervent, passionate and persistent (Luke 18:1- 8).

There is a reason for this. Let me relate it again to twelve-step programs. In these programs, we have observed, that many give up at steps 4 and 5 (the fearless moral inventory, and the admonition to share it with at least one other person). Well people give up because it is very difficult. Part of this, is that we will likely need to re-live the pain of the hurts we have received, and to come to terms with the guilt and shame of our own failures. It requires truth in the inward parts. It requires a level of honesty with ourselves and others that is likely foreign to us, and many times it flies in the face of our experience that the world is not a safe place. And on top of this, you can be sure that the enemy is mightily at work to preserve his destructive influence in our lives. To put it another way, it is at the heart of the spiritual warfare that needs to take place in order to claim the promises of the healing of broken hearts, the release of captives, and the restoration of the broken family structures of many generations (Isaiah 61:1-4).

The Lord is, as I say, playfully strategic. Though there are in fact some amazing things happening, at the same time ministries I’m involved in are in danger of falling apart. And I’m beginning to realize this morning, that most of my prayers are reactive, praying for the horse after it has bolted the stable. We are desperately in need of fresh blood in leadership in these ministries. And as I thought on these things, I was reminded of the passage where Jesus seeing the multitude as sheep without a shepherd tells us that the harvest is plenteous but the labourers are few. He then commands us to “Pray therefore to the Lord of the harvest to thrust out labourers into His harvest” (Matthew 9:36-38).

Father, once again we see in the above passage the need for us to cooperate with You in prayer. Since You are indeed Lord of the harvest, and You have told us that if we pray anything according to Your will you will grant it (1 John 5:14), then we can have confidence that what You tell us to pray You will answer when we come before You with passion and persistence. We need Your help Lord to not be weary in well doing. Grace us Lord, to be like Jesus who pushed through the pain to the joy that was set before Him, and endured the cross despising the shame. I know Lord that we will be changed in the process, and we will give You the honour, glory and praise in Jesus Name Amen

Confession, healing and intimacy (II) Risk

“If anyone ever found out, I would die!” Shame! Shame paralyzes, it multiplies in the darkness and keeps us stuck. The cure for guilt it is to be forgiven (1 John 1:9). The cure for shame is found within this verse we are discussing from James 5:16 “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed.” I suggested last day, that this is likely to be scary, but also also an essential part in bringing the kingdom down to earth. This discussion is also related to the fifth step of twelve-step programs which is to confess to God, to ourselves and to one other person. By and large, the fellowship that surround those going through twelve-step programs is safe. In particular, the sponsor to whom you are instructed to confess, is someone who has victory over the very same problems you have, and he or she knows the value of confidentiality.

In order to bring in the kingdom in this way, we need to be a safe place and to find, or create a safe place. This is no small task. Trust, in this wicked and hurting world, is no small issue, and we will likely need it to be at process rather than an instant obedience to the command in this verse from James. It also likely needs to start with me being, or becoming a safe place. And I will not be a safe place if I continue to play the blame game, nor if I refused to do the necessary work in order that I might die to my selfishness. But I might not be able to do this until I have found unconditional acceptance and love from others. We need to pray and ask the Lord to bring people to us of like mind, and to show us those fellowships that are already safe. It is unfortunately true that church is not always safe.

For the longest time I couldn’t decide if my natural openness and vulnerability was a gift, or a curse. The problem was, that the churches I was choosing to attend, were not safe. Far too often, my openness and vulnerability would come back as judgement, or accusation. And because I refused to wear the masks so many were wearing, I was even shunned at times. Not by all, but enough for it to be painful. I do now however regarded my openness as a gift, because I have come to realize that a fellowship will likely never be more open and vulnerable than its leaders. And we are desperately in need of safe places in order, among other things, to bring the kingdom into our relationships. And if you have been reading these blogs regularly, you will realize that this is a major thrust of my writings.

Father, faith has been spelled r-i-s-k! We cannot come out of hiding without risk. We need Your courage Lord, and we need Your protection. But most of all Lord, we need to know You at a deeper level. It is in Your embrace where we experience the unconditional, extravagant, healing love that enables us to care more about what You think about us, than what the rest of the World thinks about us. And so I thank You this morning for Your promise, that if we draw near to You, You will draw near to us (James 4:8). I also ask Lord that You raise up leaders who are willing to be open an vulnerable, and I give You the praise again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen

Confession, prayer, intimacy and healing (I)

Have you ever wondered what kingdom come, will of God be done on earth as it is in heaven would look like, in relationships? For me, the best picture is of Adam and Eve before the fall. It is also related to, a probably by now familiar, verse from James 5:16. “Confess your faults one to another, and pray for one another that you may be healed.” We confess to God to be forgiven (1 John 1:9) and as here, we confess to one another to be healed. Healing can of course be physical, but this morning we are looking at healing from shame, and the healing of relationships. Before the fall both Adam and Eve were naked, and they were not ashamed. After the fall they were ashamed, they hid from each other and from themselves. They also immediately entered into the blame game (Genesis 3:7, 8, 12, 13). It’s a picture of the vast majority of our relationships today!

If confessing one another’s faults is healing, confessing the another person’s faults “You did this” – “Well you did that” is likely not! But if we are to obey this command from James, we have to get past the blame, we have to get past bringing up the past over and over. We have to start to see the faults hidden from ourselves and others, and we have to extend grace, mercy and forgiveness to the other person. We need to get to the place, where we value the relationship so much, that we are willing to be truly naked in terms of openness in vulnerability. And we have to start “considering ourselves” in the ways we have been discussing in the last couple of days. If all this sounds scary, it likely is, it is also hard work, but it is kingdom work. It is us doing our part in bringing heaven down-to-earth.

At the start of His ministry, Jesus told as “The kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel” (Mark 1:15). In saying that the kingdom is at hand, He is saying that the kingdom is here, but not yet in its fullness. In other words the kingdom of God coming on earth, is a process. Our cooperation is required, and our part is to repent, to put to put off the old man and to put on Christ (i.e. Colossians 3:8-10). And also to believe the good news that when we do our part, God will do His. It is here, that all things are possible, including the kingdom of God coming in our marriages and in our relationships. What I am saying, is that coming to the place where we can confess our faults to one to another, rather than confessing one of the faults is likely a process. It is kingdom work, and it is our highest calling. How otherwise can the World know that we are Christians by our love?

Father, we need Your help! We need your help to die to self, we need your help to be ongoing living sacrifices! But Father this is truly the only reasonable response to all that You have done for us in Christ. We surrender again this morning Lord. Keep us close to You, search our hearts. Let the process start Lord with me, with us. And we will give You the honour and glory and praise in Jesus Name Amen

You who are spiritual… considering yourself (II) Hidden things

The thing about things we hide from ourselves and others, is that they are hidden, we don’t see them. Many times, we don’t even know there is anything to see. But there are clues, the seemingly minor issues that arise in long-term relationships, toast crumbs in the butter, toilet seat left up, cap left off the toothpaste, for example. These things are frequently not the issue, rather they symptoms of much deeper issues which, for whatever reason, fear or shame etc., are buried deep in the subconscious. I know people who have been angry their entire life, and don’t even know it. It feels so normal to them because they have never experienced anything else. But you know they are angry because of the punishing silences, passive aggression, sarcasm presented as if in jest, but is deadly serious and cuts to the quick.

Being honest with ourselves and others can be scary, it can leave us feeling naked and vulnerable and unsafe. But unless and until we come out of hiding, both from ourselves and from others, we can have neither true peace nor true intimacy. The reason Adam and Eve tried to hide behind their fig leaves after the fall, was that they were no longer safe. But fig leaves are an inadequate cover, as are the lies we tell ourselves and others. We need a safe place. The safest place, and the one who provides the best cover is God. “If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and the blood of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:7, 9). We also need to find or create safe places among ourselves. It likely starts with finding just one fellow traveler along the road to recovery, who will understand, who will not condemn, and who will hold our confession in the strictest confidence. It is here that we find healing (James 5:16). It seems worth noting, that most people involved in twelve-step programs are safe.

Last day, I suggested the working the steps and twelve-step programs can be very useful in the necessary work of becoming spiritual and “considering ourselves,” in coming out of hiding. Step 8 says “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.” One of the ways to do this, is to make a list of persons who have hurt us, and then to ask ourselves and the Lord “What part did I play in this?” I want to be careful here, because it’s common for people who have suffered abuse to blame themselves, this is wrong! But in most cases, we will likely have contributed to the problem. At the very least, our responses to the hurts received are likely to be wrong. Wrong responses to wrongs done, compound the problems!

Father, I think it was Socrates who said that the unexamined life is not worth living. What I see, is that until we start to take off the fig leaves under which we hide, we can be at peace neither with ourselves, nor with the World. Nor we will even starts to know who we are! It is scary Lord, it takes courage. Nevertheless I ask you this morning to search me, O God, and know my heart; See if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting (Psalm 139:23, 24). Thank You Lord for Your unconditional acceptance, Your forgiveness and Your cleansing. Help us to be and to create safe places as we “consider ourselves” in these ways, and so to be being transformed into Your likeness. In Jesus Name Amen

You who are spiritual… restore… considering yourself (I)

The full quote is “If anyone is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). Last day, in talking about church discipline, I mentioned two errors. The first is not dealing with issues in the fellowship that need to be dealt with. The second is dealing harshly and without mercy. I want to suggest this morning, that anyone who operates in either of these ways has not sufficiently “considered themselves.” And I also want to suggest that likely they really don’t know who they are in Christ. Going back to some of this year’s earlier blogs, I am reminded of the fig leaves Adam and Eve used to cover themselves. They were trying to hide not only from God, but also from each other and from themselves.

There’s a lot of this about! Again, we have looked at the mandate of Jesus to heal broken hearts, to set the captives free and to bring us life in all its fullness (Luke 4:18; John 10:10b). It’s a process to get there, but we won’t ever get there, if we don’t even start the process. And starting the process has a lot to do with dealing with the things in life that need to be dealt with. Dealing with the things that need to be dealt with is, to my way of thinking, the essence of what sanctification is all about. Sanctification is a lot more than just getting rid of our more visible faults. The secular label for this understanding of sanctification, is recovery. And if truth be told, we all need to be in ongoing recovery, ongoing sanctification. If we don’t think this is true, then perhaps we need to ask ourselves if our lives can best be described as being “in all its fullness.” If not, then likely we have allowed the fig leaves we have donned to blind us to our need. It’s called denial!

Twelve-step programs are not the only recovery tool, but especially when the higher power of such programs are identified with Jesus, they are extremely useful. When Jesus is our higher power, we can tap into the principals, promises of the Word of God, and the power of the Holy Spirit. Twelve step programs are not just for alcoholics and drug addicts, but for anyone with hurts, habits and hangups. In other words they are useful for each and every one of us. In terms of this morning’s post, they are useful for “considering yourself.” In particular, the fearless moral inventory, and the admonition to share it with at least one other person (steps 4 and 5), is a good start in helping us to come out of hiding, and to the take off fig leaves in a safe place. It is a good start on the road to becoming spiritual, and a great help in considering ourselves!

Father, perhaps the most essential part in our considering ourselves is to know ourselves, and to walk in the truth that while we are flawed, we are also totally and fully accepted. And You have provided everything that we need to walk in the light as You are in the light. But we do need to guard our hearts, to be neither overconfident not on under confident and like Jesus to grow in wisdom and stature with God and man. We need each other, and we need You Lord. Thank You again this morning Lord that You are committed to complete the work that You have started in us, as we fully cooperate with You. And we give You honour and the glory and praise in Jesus Name Amen

Church discipline. Restoration in gentleness, love and honour

Discipline is not widely practiced in the church in the 21st century, at least not in the West. Where it is (has been) however, it is not and has not, always been practised Biblically. I have heard what to me are horror stories for example, of the way that people have been sent down from Bible school never to be allowed to return. The practice of discipline in the church is however thoroughly Biblical, even if it’s not always practised in a Biblical way. As a young child, and as a brand-new believer I was very sensitive to discipline. In childhood it only took a look for me to change. As a new believer, it only took a sense that I had grieved the Spirit, to send me scurrying back to His embrace. But not every child is like I was, nor every believer as I was as a new believer. And sometimes stronger discipline is necessary.

Since God’s primary goal in sending Jesus into the world was reconciliation (Ephesians 1:10), this goal should be ours too in the administration of any discipline. In particular, expulsion from the church should always be a last resort, and even then be done with a view to facilitate restoration. Paul admonishes the Corinthians to forgive, love and comfort the repentant man expelled from the church for sleeping with his stepmother, “lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow” (2 Corinthians 2:7,8). And approaching such a one in the first place needs to be done in gentleness, humility and respect for the person, even if not for the sin (Galatians 6:1; Philippians 2:3).Our goal should also be, to make our churches the sort of place where people would so want to be there that even the possibility of being temporarily put out of the fellowship of love, would be sufficient to bring change to a stubborn unrepentant heart.

In his book “Culture of Honor,” Danny Silk tells of dealing with an unmarried students at their school who had gotten pregnant during the summer vacation. Using a series of gently probing questions and the illustration that the effect of sin is like spilling a pail of paint all over the place, they brought the students to the full realization of the effects of their sin, and who had "paint" on them. Doing this in honour and without condemnation (Romans 8:1), the couple was thus able to truly repent, and as much as possible make amends first and foremost to their parents, to the leaders of the school, to their fellow students and finally to the first-year students who, at that point, didn’t even know them. They were of course, released for a season from leadership positions. But then when they were eventually restored, they were able to give testimony of God’s goodness and grace and unconditional acceptance.

Father, this is such a beautiful picture of your strength being made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). When we see strength in others, we can admire it, but likely think that we could never be like them. But when we see the beauty of openness, repentance and restoration, we can be encouraged, and not be afraid to come out of hiding. And I pray this morning Father, for all those who have been treated in hurtful ways by the church, whether at fault or not. And Lord, I ask that You foster in Your church such a tangible love that it would cause even the hardest or most fearful heart, to come running back to the love. And help us Lord to do our part to make the church a safe place, and a place where others would truly see Your love by our love, in Jesus Name Amen

The need to fight fair (III) Resources

I suspect that most couples at the time they get married, can hardly imagine that they would encounter marriage difficulties. And because of this in my view premarital counseling should both be mandatory, and at the very least include the the following facts of life (a) that we have an enemy of our souls who is bent on our destruction, and we must not be ignorant of his devices (2 Corinthians 2:11), (b) that in many things we all fail (James 3:2), (c) that we will have (not might have) troubles in the flesh (1 Corinthians 7:28), and (d) that in light of how seriously God regards covenant, we should take our pledge "Until death do us part" to engender in us a determination that divorce is not an option.

Obviously, in a blog of three paragraphs and a prayer, the list of admonitions cannot be exhaustive. I also want to say that a lot of this applies to any conflict, not just the marital conflict. Biblical relational admonitions include the need to love and respect one another (John 13:43, Ephesians 5:33), the need to be tenderhearted and forgiving of one another, to not let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:32, 26), the need to think more highly of the other than of ourselves, to imitate Jesus in not grasping or demanding our rights (Philippians 2:3, 5-7). And to repeat something I said earlier, to realize that the person with whom we are in conflict is not the enemy, and that our conflict should be regarded as an opportunity to come together to the foot of the cross. Other passages include Matthew 5:23,24, James 5:16 and if this fails Matthew 18:15-17. There are also many secular resources which can easily be found by typing “creative conflict” into a search engine. It’s remarkable how Biblically based much of this secular advice is.

I suspect that most of us either fight too much, or not enough. But actually if we don’t engage in loud raucous arguments, we will nevertheless, likely fight in more hidden ways. I’m thinking, for example of withdrawal and punishing silences that often follows conflict avoidance. As I have said, if we don’t deal with what needs to be dealt with, we push the problems under the rug until what’s under the rug is a monster. If one of the partners then wakes up and sees the destruction conflict avoidance is causing, he or she is likely to be seen as the problem. The point is the one seeking to deal with the problems is violating the unspoken, unwritten and usually unconscious, but nevertheless strongly held rules “Don’t think, don’t speak, don’t act, don’t rock the boat.” Since these rules are not acknowledged, the one “rocking the boat” is seen as the troublemaker, the villain, the one not willing to keep the peace. What I am saying, is that where there is conflict avoidance, its destructive nature needs to be revealed and it be the very first issue to be dealt with.

Father, while the thief came to kill steel and to destroy, You sent Your Son to destroy the works of the devil, and to lead us into the abundant life (John 10:10; 1 John 3:8). We need to be constantly reminded of Your perspective Lord, that our struggle is not against each other, but against unseen spiritual forces of wickedness (Ephesians 6:12). Help each and every one of us this morning Lord, to not get distracted, to not be drawn away, but to stay close to the flame. We need Your help Father, I do, and we will give You thanks and praise in Jesus Name Amen

The nature of covenant (III) Resources

If we are to produce godly offspring, we will need to tap into His resources. God never expects of us what He does not resource us to fulfill! In 2 Peter 1:3 we read “His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him.” Note the tenses here. In particular, everything that we need to live a godly life has already been given. We do of course, need to tap into this. We looked earlier at the principles, promises and power that He has made available to us. This morning I want is to look at the resource of “the knowledge of Him” in terms of knowing in the way that we know persons, that is in relationship. In particular, we are invited into the presence of the God of all comfort, the God of all mercy, the God of all hope, peace and joy and the God of all grace (2 Corinthians 1:3; Romans 15:13; 1 Peter 5:10). All these virtues are available to us, they are already given, but do need to be received. We do this by spending time in His presence. We become like who or what we worship.

The essence of Christianity is not rules or regulations or rituals. No, the essence of Christianity is relationship. This is what was broken at the fall, and this is what God has gone to incredible lengths to make it possible to restore. Rules, regulations and rituals have their place of course. But they need to flow out of relationship, not replace it! The 2 Peter reference goes on to tell us that when we have escaped the corruption of the world through, among other things, His exceedingly great and precious promises, we actually become partakers of His divine nature. We become like Him! But, as the passage also makes very clear, this is not independent of our cooperating in allowing the new nature to swallow up the old (verses 4-8).

We need to think about this in terms of the divine romance. God is a jealous God, and as the great lover that He is, He desires that we pursue Him with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength (Mark 12:30). Though we need to be as little children in order to enter into relationship with Him, He wants the relationship to mature, so that He no longer needs to discipline us. He will discipline us if He needs to, and in fact this is a sign of His love (Hebrews 12:6). But He wants to call us up, not call us out. He calls us up into maturity (Matthew 5:24), He calls up to be friends (John 15:15), and, like Abraham did, He calls us up to act in the manner a true friend of God would act.

Father, our greatest resource is You. While You still called Abraham Abram, you told him “I am your exceedingly great reward (Genesis 15:1). As Abram, he was still operating out of an orphan spirit. But by inviting him into friendship with Yourself, You were calling him up to be Abraham, the father of many nations. This is what Abraham means. And You are our exceedingly great reward Lord. We don’t always see it, and we don’t always operate out of it! So this morning Father I am asking You to give us the grace that we need to pursue You with everything that we have. I believe it is only then that we will even start to know that You are indeed our exceedingly great reward. And we will give you the honour and glory in Jesus Name Amen

The nature of covenant (II) Godly offspring

As I said last day, my purpose is not to lay a guilt trip on those of us who have failed marriages. No, rather it is to highlight God’s plans, purposes, redemption and resources in this area, and to bring hope and a determination, as much as possible, to make things work. We do need to see the consequences of failure, especially on the children, but, we also need to see His mercy and forgiveness and His redemptive power. I have seen firsthand the devastating effects of divorce on our children, and I don’t believe I am being hypocritical when I say “Please don’t make the same mistakes that I did.” I know though, that in the midst of the difficulties it is hard to feel anything but the frustration, the pain and a sense of betrayal. But research has clearly shown that children of divorce are left with lifelong trauma. In the midst of our pain, it it is easy to overlook this truth, or suppress it (Romans 1:18).

The secular research mentioned above is confirmed (or perhaps the other way round) in Scripture. In Malachi 2:16 we read that God hates divorce, and He tells us why. “He makes us one flesh so that we may have godly offspring!” This is not automatic, the saying “the Apple does not fall far from the tree,” contains truth. But thank God that’s not automatic either. In the coming days, we will be looking at generational influences. But it should be obvious, that a godly upbringing gives a better start to our offspring, than a dysfunctional family unit. Unfortunately, since the fall we are all at some level dysfunctional. If this offends you, please forgive me, but know that there is Scriptural warrant for this. In particular James tells us that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). Note "many things," and "all fail!"

Godliness has to do with living in, and walking in, the truth (3 John 4). And part of what needs to happen, is that we need to learn to live with the tension of knowing that we are flawed, while at same time knowing that we are fully accepted by God. Knowing, that is, that our sins and iniquities are covered by the blood of Jesus (1 John 1:9). We also need to be in the ongoing process of being transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). If we fail to obtain this balance, we will either we overwhelmed by our faults, or we will minimize and/or deny them. When we do this pride will rise, we will be likely become inflexible and unteachable, and much more likely to pass at least some of these things on to our children and to those we influence.

Father, when I look at little children that come from loving and stable homes, I see how happy they are, how easily they receive loving correction, and then bounce back afterwards. I also see how secure this seems to make them feel. No wonder You tell us that unless we repent and become as a little child, we will not enter the kingdom (Matthew 18:3). We need Your help Lord, I do! Thank You Father that You have already given us the resources we need to do this (2 Peter 1:3). Still we need Your grace and mercy to tap into these resources, and we need You to grant us repentance. Father help us to be determined to settle for nothing less than all that You have for us. And we will give You the praise and the honour and the glory in Jesus Name Amen

The nature of covenant (I) The parable of marriage

When we are instructed to let our yes be yes, and our no be no (Matthew 5:37), we are essentially being told to say what we mean, and mean what we say, and stick to it. And if this needs to be true in our everyday life, how much more should it be true in our covenant agreements, and in particular in the marriage covenant? My purpose in sharing thoughts about covenant, is not to lay a guilt trip on those who have failed in this area, I myself have utterly failed not just once, but twice! No, my purpose is rather to shed light on God’s dreams, purposes and resources in this area. For our part it seems to me, that we give up far too easily, turning a blind eye to the consequences in our headlong rush to to try to get rid of the difficulties and the pain!

I am thankful that the blood of Jesus Christ covers all sin, and that God is actively at work for good even our failures (Romans 8:28 again). But we need to see that the thief, whose primary agenda is to kill steal and destroy, has done a stellar job in wreaking havoc in marriage and in the family. The church has largely conformed to the World in this, and we need to push back. We need to revisit the strong teachings of Scripture to help us to come back to the place where the example of awesome Christian marriages will bring hope to this wicked and hurting World. Such marriage exist, I have seen them. They had, with His help, to push through the difficulties, but with His help all things are possible.

The pledge “until death do us part” reflects the true nature of covenant. In the covenant God made with Abram, Abram cut a heifer, a female goat and a ram in two, and placed each half opposite the other. Then God and Abram essentially walked between the pieces. This signified the agreement that what had happened to the animals would happen to the one breaking the covenant (Genesis 15:8-16). Likewise the covenant God made with man on Sinai, could only be broken only if either mankind died, or God died. And since no one could keep that covenant (Romans 3:23), the only way for us not to suffer eternal death, was for God to die. And that is why out of incredible extravagant love Jesus, in His God nature, died. In this way He could bring in the New and better Covenant. God's dream is that the marriage covenant reflect and be a parable of His desire to be united with us in the New Covenant (Ephesians 5:32). In view of what it cost Him to reconcile us to Himself, is it unreasonable for Him to ask us to do the hard work of reconciliation in our marriages, and so fulfill His dream?

Father, I have said that I believe marriage is one of your primary tools to make us more like Christ. And this is true whether we fail or whether we succeed. But in either case, we do need to fully cooperate with You in Your intended character polishing. It’s not easy Lord, and I thank You for the many divorced Christians that I know who have turned their back on bitterness and allowed You to shine through their brokenness. Thank You Lord that Your plans cannot be thwarted. Thank You for Your mercy, and the grace that enables us to be the men and women You intend us to be. I give You praise and honour and glory again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen

The need to fight fair (II) God has purpose in the struggles

The struggles in the flesh that Paul mentions in Corinthians 7:28 in the context of marriage, or in fact in any significant relationship, are a crossroads. We can fight and war and, if we don’t win, give up. On the other hand, as we were discussing last day, we can allow our struggles to drive us to the foot of the cross. Many Christians know Romans 8:28, "God works all things together for good, for those of us who love Him and are called according to His purposes." This verse is not saying that evil is good, rather that God is in control, and He is actively at work for our good in any kid of difficulty, and in particular in our relationship struggles. Verse 29 tells us that part of the good is that He uses these things to make us more like Jesus, and to make us fruitful for the kingdom. I am convinced, that marriage is one of God’s primary tools to make us more like Christ, and to make us fruitful.

I am further convinced, that becoming like Christ and being fruitful are what most give us purpose and fulfilment in life. It is as I have said however, a crossroads. We get to choose. Will we choose to see things from God’s perspective, to see that the enemy want to use our difficulties in his plan to kill and to steal and to destroy (John 10:10a), in other words to sink us, our relationships and our families? Will we choose to see that the other person is not the enemy, and having made these choices, will we with His help figure out what needs to happen in order to cooperate with God in having His kingdom come, and His will to be done in our relationships. And will we do this whether our mate will journey with us, or not?

The Scriptures do not leave ignorant of how to do these things, each stage however is a battle however. The first is to believe and trust God, in particular to believe Romans 8:28. The second is the battle to cooperate with the Spirit in putting to death the deeds and the desires of the flesh (Romans 8:13; Galatians 5:24?). A third component is the battle to count it all joy in the midst of my trials, temptations and difficulties (James 1:2). In this we follow Jesus who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross despising the shame (Hebrews 12:2?). I have needed to keep coming back again and again to the James passage, and like Jesus to push through the pain to the joy, to see the end from the beginning, and to stand and having done all to stand.

Father, I remember a period of years, not days or weeks or months, but years, when at times I was so overwhelmed with emotional pain, that I was driven again and again to my closet, and to stay there until You lifted me, and I could face the world again. You love us to do this Lord, You loved it when Jacob, knowing that his brother was coming against him with 400 armed men, wrestled all night with the angel. Jacob told him “I will not let you go until you bless me” (Genesis 32:26). We need your help here Lord, we need the faith to believe, we need the tenacity to not give up. We need to trust You enough to submit to the character polishing! I thank You this morning Lord, that You are faithful even when we are not, and that You have promised never to leave us nor forsake us. I have found Your promise to be true, and I give You thanks and praise again this morning Lord in Jesus Name Amen

The need to fight fair (I) An invitation to die!

A book title caught my eye called “An argument free marriage.” It’s not about conflict avoidance, but rather about the need to come together and fight the problems, rather than fighting each other. But most of us are not there yet, and will likely need to go through a period of disharmony or worse! These are the difficulties of which Paul would spare us (1 Corinthians 7:28). But one of the things that I think we need to keep constantly in mind, is that we are in a war to the death with the enemy of our souls (John 10:10a), and that our struggle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). In other words our mate is not the enemy!

I am convinced that what needs to happen in order to have true intimacy, to have the Kingdom come in our marriage, is that we need to come together to the foot of the cross. It is only there I believe, that we gain the correct perspective. At the foot of the cross, where we see unconditional love and mercy flowing “mingled down,” we can start to see our sin, our shame and our dysfunction clearly without it, at the same time, devastating us. It is at the foot of the cross where, since all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, we come to see that there is no difference between us. At the foot of the cross, we can stop the blame game, we can ask the Lord to show us the frequently hidden parts that our individual faults play in our difficulties. In the light of His full acceptance and mercy, we can take responsibility for our faults and, as in the verse I keep quoting from James 5:16, we can confess them one to another and there find the promised healing.

We will not likely find our way there without struggle. When Jesus invites us to take up our cross daily and follow Him (Mark 8:34), He is in effect giving us an invitation to die. The invitation is to die to self, to our selfishness, to looking first after number one, to demanding that all my needs be met by the other persons. This kind of death does not come easily, in fact we can’t do it without a lot of help from Him. We read in Romans 8:13 “If you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Notice it is both (a) by the Spirit, and (b) that it is “you” doing the putting to death. In other words it is about cooperation with God, it's about being a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1). Notice too that when we cooperate in this way “you will live!”

Father, thank You that You have made it possible for us to live a life that pleases You. And that when we come together to the foot of the cross and, with the help of your wonderful Holy Spirit, we apply the principles and promises of Your Word, then we will truly live. We will have peace and grace and mercy, and we will be fruitful. It's not easy Lord, but “Unless a seed fall to the earth and die, it abides alone. But if it dies, it produces much fruit" (John 12:24). We need Your help this morning Lord, I do, to be a living sacrifice, our only reasonable response to Your tender mercies. Thank You Lord that You are far more willing to give help, than we are to ask. And so when we ask, we can be sure that we will receive. Thank You Lord in Jesus Name Amen

Reconciliation, relationships and recovery

“Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7). Many times in recovery, the main focus of what we do is do, is to try to get rid of our addictive behaviours, or to convince another person that we have changed enough, to make the relationship work. To put this another way, especially in Christian circles, it’s all about the appearance of holiness. But God is much more interested in the inner workings of our heart. He is interested in true reconciliation first and foremost with Himself (2 Corinthians 5:18, 19), then with one another (as much as possible within you live at peace with one another Romans 12:18), and then finally He wants us to be reconciled to ourself. Over and over I hear people say that the hardest person to forgive is themselves. So in a real sense relationship reconciliation is at the heart of the gospel, and at the very heart of recovery. It is also at the heart of twelve-step programs.

I have come to describe the first twenty or so years of my Christian life as that of being a dry drunk. I had substantial, though not complete, victory over my difficulties with alcohol, but there was no healing. Though I was reluctant to admit it, I was afraid of being alone. And I cared more about my reputation, about what others thought about me than what God thinks about me. I didn’t phrase it in those terms, I phrased it in trying times of trying to find myself, trying to find my place in the Christian world, trying to find the ministry that would satisfy me. I was essentially a Christian workaholic, addicted to the various forms of ministry in which I was involved. But like any addiction, it was never enough. I knew I needed something more and I thought I knew what it was, but I didn’t have a clue!

I have come to see and realize, that all of these things or symptoms of an orphan spirit. I needed to be seen, I need to stand out and to gain the approval of others, I never felt I belonged to the church family, I was (in spite of the outward appearance) insecure. I was performance oriented. These symptoms seem to be a widespread phenomenon, it is the spirit of the age! The little boy within me was crying out for Daddy! Oh I knew in my head that God the Father loved me, but I thought He was like my earthly father who I knew loved me, but was distant and we had no real relationship. I needed the experience of the extravagant healing love of the Father. I needed to renounce the lies I had believed about Him. This is my testimony “I waited patiently on the Lord, I cried out to Him and He heard my cry, He lifted me out of a desolate pit, and He put a song in my mouth, a song of praise unto my God” (Psalm 40:1-3).

Father, I have come to believe that until we know experientially who we are in You, we will never be whole. When we don’t know who we are in You, we leave ourselves open to the very same temptation that Jesus resisted when Satan came tempting Him saying “If you are the Son of God…” And as he was seeking to cast doubt upon His identity, so he seeks to cast doubt on ours. But Jesus is not ashamed to call us His brothers (Hebrews 2:11), and we are joint heirs with Christ (Romans 8:17). Thank You Father that You have not given us an orphan spirit, but You have given us the spirit of adoption and we cry out to You this morning Abba, Daddy, Father. Help us to receive and rest in this Lord in Jesus Name Amen

The “games” we play (II) Removing the fig leaves

It’s so much easier to see the faults in the other person, rather than in ourselves. And that is why, if we are if we are to have intimacy in a relationship, we need first and foremost to be tenderhearted and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32). But it’s not enough! We need to see the parts we play in our relationship difficulties, and to take responsibility for them. This is the case even if our only fault is wrong responses to the wrong done to us. And more often than not, that is hidden from us! But, not thinking about cases of abuse, it is very, very likely that it’s a lot more than that. In the breakup of the marriage for example, it is common for both parties to blame the other hundred percent. That’s 100% unclaimed blame! But it’s never 100% to zero, never. The problem as I say, is that it’s so much easier to see the other person’s faults. 


A key principle in the Bible’s solution to intimacy and freedom, is that we need to confess our faults one to another, and to pray for one another. When we do this, healing is promised (James 5:16). But in order to do this, we need to see our own faults. When we don’t, seeing only the others other person’s faults, we are much more likely to confess that person’s faults. “You did this,” ‘Well you did that!’ This is not so healing! Prayer plays an important part here. Since we are commanded to pray even for our enemies (Matthew 5:24), we should certainly pray for our partner. And the prayer should rather be “Father help us both to see our faults,” rather than “Show him or her their faults!” I have found journaling, and listening prayer helpful in coming to terms with my faults. But we often need help, a lot of help!

There is no recovery program or process that is a one-size-fits-all kind of deal. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, but what I want to say here, is that there are some interesting and useful aspects to working the steps of a 12 step program. Coming into forgiveness is a part of this, but there is so much more! I am thinking particularly of doing the fearless moral inventory, that is systematically making a list of those who have hurt us, of those we have hurt, and asking ourselves what was my part in it. This process is designed to lead us past the blame game, and to see how our own “games” fuel our relationship difficulties. It would be so much easier if this was part of the marriage preparation course. But most of us will only come to this through crisis. When we do the fellowship that most twelve-step programs bring, give us a safe and encouraging place to help us to come to terms with these things.

Father, when Adam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves, they were hiding not only from You and from each other, they were hiding from themselves. It can be very painful Father to come out of hiding. And this is why the gospel, which assures us of Your extravagant, unconditional healing love and acceptance, is so important. And I ask You this morning Lord, to draw us deep into the experience of intimacy with You and each other as we confess our faults first to You (1 John 1:9) and then to each other. We need Your grace and courage and peace to do this Lord, and we come boldly before the throne of grace this morning to receive these things in Jesus Name Amen

"Games” we play (I)



Has anyone ever tried to manipulate you? And if they have, did they tell you “You do realize of course that I am manipulating you!”   Yeah,   not likely. But why is that?   Well the point is that if you know someone is trying to manipulate you, it will likely not succeed.   But manipulation is just one of many subtle,   and not so subtle,   ways we have of trying to control one another. Likewise if somebody is trying to control you, or you are trying to control someone,   you likely will not want them to know.   I mean it's better if they don't know, because if they know they might resist, or if that is too difficult or costly, they may get resentful or uncooperative in other areas or ways that would be unhelpful.



I was the “leader” of a “gang” of three that formed in my final years of graduate study at the University. My leadership was very much of the world (I was not yet a Christian),   and my way of getting my own way utilized   the gift of the gab, domination and if that didn't work, anger.   I was   big fish in a very small pond, and I tried to take this way of operating into my first marriage. “How did that work for you?” I hear you ask.   Well,   I describe that marriage as akin to tying two tiers by their tails and throwing us into a cage.   Having an oversensitive nature behind my brashness and arrogance, her primary weapons targeted my most vulnerable parts, the wounds incurred in family of origin. Her weapons     included   punishing silences,   long periods of withdrawal and an unwillingness to forgive.     Who could blame her?   Remember not oh Lord,   the sins of my youth.

What is interesting though, if not diabolical, is that at the time neither of us was aware of our own part, that our own faults and manipulative behaviours were making matters far, far worse.   Part of what I am saying here, is that often we are little aware of the “games” we play to try to control and manipulate one another.   And the so called “irreconcilable difference” that are blamed for the breakup of so many marriages is little more than a cover up for not being willing to cooperate with the Lord in what He intends to happen in clearly wildly different, but somehow similar,   scenarios we find ourselves in, in marriage. When (not if) we wake up to discover some of these games in each other, we need first and foremost to obey the command to “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32). Remember we are likely far from innocent too!

Father, some of us find forgiving easier than others, but there is a reason that some of Your strongest teachings surround this subject. First and foremost You tell us clearly that if we do not forgive, neither will You forgive us (Matthew 6:15). We need Your forgiveness, and Your help. Forgiveness does not mean what the other person did was okay, nor that they can do it again. And when we been deeply hurt Lord, it may take a long time for us to forgive from the heart as You command us to do. But if we don’t forgive, then in the end we are the ones who suffer the most. So we need to forgive for ourselves. We also need we need to forgive ourselves, and sometimes this is the hardest thing of all. In any case Lord please help us to continue to choose to forgive until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And we will give You the honour and glory and praise in Jesus Name Amen

Lies, lies and lies (III) Lies we tell ourselves

It was a huge eye-opener for me to discover how deeply I had allowed myself to be deceived. I had come through a broken marriage that could best be described as tying two tigers together by the tail, and throwing us into a cage. Being convinced that she was 100% at fault, I had murder in my heart. What is scary to me looking back, is that I am not at all sure that I would not have gone through with it, if I thought I could have gotten away with it. Then, as part of being convicted of sin and righteousness and judgement (John 16:8), the Lord showed me that I was very far from innocent, and I was devastated. When I then read in the Scriptures “The heart is deceitful above all and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9) I came to understand, not for the last time that the Bible knows me, it knows us!

Secular psychology knows this phenomenon of self-deception, and calls it rationalization and denial. The Bible got there first of course, thousands of years ago. And it works like this, we suppress the truth in unrighteousness (Romans 1:18). This was illustrated well for me years ago, by a young woman I was having coffee with. She told me “I don’t think adultery is wrong.” I think she was hitting on me! Her hand did not quite come up quickly enough to hide her “guilty as charged smile” when I looked her in the eye and told her gently “That’s because you want to do it.” I mean, if you want to commit adultery, and you don’t want to think of yourself as a rascal, then you need to suppress the truth that adultery is wrong.

I have gotten into trouble sharing with Christians, my insight into the above Jeremiah reference. This is the case even though when I do so, I am also admitting my guilt. What I am saying is that it is my observation that many, many Christians have no idea how easy it is for them to be deceived. Let me suggest you ask yourself two questions. The first is this “Do you believe like I do, that the Bible is the Word of God?” And if you do, then do you know deep down that your heart is deceitful above all and desperately wicked? Because if you don’t, and you know Jeremiah 17:9 to be true, then you are in fact greatly deceived!

Father, it seems to me that this diagnosis of the state of the unregenerate heart is part of the offence of the cross (Galatians 5:11). There is a secular recovery saying that if we are not in at least five different twelve-step programs, then we are in denial. While I believe this is quite an exaggeration, I have come to believe that we are likely all in denial at some level. And as I said last day, we will not likely be able to live in the reality of the darkness within, without knowing that we are loved and fully accepted by You. We also need to find places Lord where it safe to confess our faults one to another, and to pray for one another. It is only here that we find healing (James 5:16). So I ask You first and foremost this morning Lord, that You take us deeper into the experiential knowledge of Your love and acceptance. And then to help us both create and to find, safe places where we can put this Biblical principle and promise from James into practice, in Jesus Name Amen

You desire truth in the inward parts (Psalm 51:6)

There seem to be two traps that we can fall into, that are relevant to the this morning’s Scripture. The first is to be so discouraged with the wickedness of our hearts, that we despair. The second it is to be totally convinced that we are good, and do indeed have truth in our innermost beings. In the first case we are likely to beat ourselves up with destructive negative self talk. In the second we are likely to fail to see our desperate need to be rescued from the wrath that is to come (Matthew 3:7). Part of having truth in the inward parts, is holding in tension the truth on the one hand, that all my self righteousness is like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). And on the other, that I am loved by Almighty God, I am of infinite value to Him, and that when I fully surrender, He cloths me in His righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). Also He has fully provided all I need to please Him (2 Peter 1:3), and standing in His righteousness, I am able to feel good about myself!

It seems to me that David had gone from one extreme to the other. Being close to God and feeling that he could not fall, he did not take care lest he fall (1 Corinthians 10:12). Psalm 51 then, is David praying back to God what the Lord had told him concerning his guilt and shame. David declares “I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me” (verse 5). The sin of his adultery with Bathsheba and, trying to cover it up, the subsequent murder of her husband, was no momentary slip. It flowed out of his previously unacknowledged sin nature. It flowed out of what he had always been. Likewise, it is not sinful actions that makes us a sinner, rather it that our sinful actions flow out of an un-regenerate nature.

Until we know and acknowledge the darkness that resides in each and every one of us, we will not live in reality, we will not live in the truth. And until we know this truth we will likely look down on, and judge others, even judging them harshly. Please don’t do this, because when we do, we accumulate the same measure of judgement for ourselves (Matthew 7:2). But, and I speak for myself here, we will not likely be able to live in the reality of the darkness within, without a simultaneous experience both of the assurance of our acceptance by God, and of the beauty of His ongoing work in us. So David cries out for God to create a clean heart within him, he asks that he not be cast away from the experience of His presence, and he asks for the restoration of his joy (verses 10-12).

Father, to think in the natural for a minute, it is amazing to see that You speak of David is a man after your own heart (acts 13:22). It is also amazing to see that You really mean it when you say “I have cast your sins into the deepest see, and I will remember them no more (Micah 7:19; Isaiah 43:25). And I declare with Micah this morning who asks rhetorically “Who is a God like you pardoning our offences and delighting in mercy” (verse 18). Truly Lord, there is not like You, and I want to thank You this morning that You did not leave me in my sin, but pursued me with an everlasting love. Thank You Lord that You quiet me with that love, and that You rejoice over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). Thank You Lord, thank You Lord, thank You Lord in Jesus Name Amen

Lies, lies and lies (II) Lies we tell each other

Apart from type of scenario where we are redirecting Nazis away from the Jews we are hiding, we need to take not telling lies, very seriously. The Lord does, for “lying lips are an abomination to the Lord” (Proverbs 12:22). I suspect that 99.9% of all lies are based on self-interest, on making ourselves look better than we are, or trying to cheat somebody out of something. Telling lies is destructive of relationships, of trust. It separates us from each other, and it brings confusion. It is the very opposite of the openness, transparency and innocence that Adam and Eve experienced in the garden. It’s doing the Devils work, for he is the father of lies (John 8:44), and all lies ultimately have him as their source. It’s hypocritical to pray kingdom of God come, and then to tell lies. It is sin, and like all sin, it separates us not only from each other, it separates us from God (Isaiah 59:2).

There are many ways to distort the truth. There is a reason that in a court of law we swear to tell not only the truth, but the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The middle part it is necessary, because omitting part of the truth, can so distort the truth that it does not resemble the truth at all. If the police ask you if you were at the scene of an accident, and you tell them “I was in Florida that week,” but you were only in Florida for part of the week, and you were in fact at the scene of the accident, you have essentially told a lie. In fact by not speaking up and we need to, we can tell lies without even opening our mouths. We can also tell lies by preventing the truth coming out (hiding like Adam and Eve in the garden), and it’s all an abomination to the Lord!

I include myself when I say, that I believe that we have all practiced deception at some level, at some time or other. But the Lord requires that we practice truth even in the inward parts (Psalm 51:6). We will look at that in more detail tomorrow. In the meantime, Paul warning against the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming, admonishes us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4: 14, 15). This is far easier said than done, and bringing the truth to light can be costly. We read that men loved darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil (john 3:19). But if we are to walk in the light with each other, if we are to have fellowship with each other, then we need to walk in the light as He is in the light. And when we do this, the blood of Jesus Christ keeps on cleansing us from all sin (1 John 1:7).

Father, one of the pictures that I have of the kingdom of God coming on earth as it is in heaven, is of Adam and Eve in the garden before the fall. And there, there was not even a trace of deception. And if we are to cooperate with You in bringing the kingdom down-to-earth, it needs to be reflected in our walking in the truth. Thank You Lord that You have provided the way to make this possible. In fact, as we lose our lives in You, we truly find life, and health, and peace, and hope, and joy. In other words we find Your true life (Matthew 10:39). And I give You all the honour and glory and praise again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen

Lies, lies and lies (I) Lies we have believed

The thief, the evil One, comes for no other reason than to kill, steal and destroy. He is the father of lies, often accomplishes these things through spawning his lies. In fact there is a trinity of lies, lies we have believed, the lies we tell each other, and the lies we tell ourselves. It’s relatively easy to see these things in others, not so easy to see them in ourselves. And though knowing the truth does not automatically set us free (see the conditions of the promise) we will not be set free without the truth (John 10:10a; 8:31,32, 44). This morning I want to look at the lies we have believed, and it seems to me that there’s a stronghold here! In particular there are lies that we believed about God, lies we believe about others and lies we believe about ourselves.

Perhaps the most pernicious and common lie is about God is about God the Father. I mean Jesus is okay, Holy Spirit is okay, but you have to watch out for God the Father because He’s out to get you. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you want to know what the Father is like, all you have to do is to look at Jesus. In terms of character, Jesus and the Father are indistinguishable (John 14:9). Lies we believe about the Father, and about ourselves are interrelated. For example if we believe the Father is out to get us, then we will not likely believe we have infinite value. The value something has, is what someone is willing to pay for it. And the Father was willing to send the son at incredible cost to Himself to pay for my redemption and yours (John 3:16).

These kind of lies also spill over into the lies we believe about others. If we believe that we are junk, then it will be hard not to believe others are also junk. And we will likely judge them, even judging them harshly. But it is what God thinks about you and me that is truly true. I am not a loser, I am not a mistake, and neither are you. Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). And God sees why we do the things that we do, He sees the hurt and the pain. He sees the little boy or the little girl within crying out for daddy, but looking for love and acceptance in all the wrong places. That is why we need to return to the shepherd of our souls (1 Peter 2:25), that is why we need to immerse ourselves, and to abide in, His word. Only then, will we be progressively coming to know the truth, and the truth will progressively set us free (John 8: 31, 32).

Father, I thank you for the many Christ based and Biblically based recovery programs, together with the insights a secular psychology. These things help accelerate the healing process and brings into truth, but none of them is perfect Lord, and we need Your discernment to know what is true. Most of all Lord, we need to know in a much deeper way the truth that we are loved by Almighty God, that we are valuable to You, that You can be trusted, that You have our best interest at heart, and that You truly are working all things together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose (Romans 8:28). Continue to draw us to Yourself Father, increase our faith, and give us a spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of You (Ephesians 1:17) and each other in Your precious Name Amen

Do you want to be made whole? (IV) Inner healing

Perhaps one of the most neglected areas of teaching in the church, has to do with what is available in the atonement in terms of mental, emotional and spiritual healing, in terms of healing of the soul. In an incredible Old Testament prophecy of what would be available (Isaiah 53), we read “All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way; And the LORD has laid on Him the iniquity of us all” (verse 6). What I want to say first, is that since we reap what we sow (Galatians 6:7), then going our own way has consequences not only for ourselves, but also for those we love . In spite of the accusations that God does nothing, there is One in the world (Holy Spirit), who is actually, at some level, restraining evil. So if we see what we see with that restraint still in place, imagine what it will be like when He is taken out (2 Thessalonians 2:6-12).

In fact as predicted (2 Timothy 3:1-7), even with the Restrainer in place, society is getting sicker and sicker, and reaping what is being sown. That’s the bad news, the good news is that Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil; He came to heal the brokenhearted; to set the captives free; to initiate the divine exchange taking our sin and giving us His righteousness; giving beauty for ashes; the oil of joy for mourning; a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness (Luke 4:18; Isaiah 61: 1-4; 1 John 3:8). And all this it is available in the atonement, since “the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.” In other words in the cross Jesus not only made physical healing available, He made soulish healing available too.

There’s a reason that the market is flooded with self-help books, and that is that at least some part of society has come to the conclusion that we need to take responsibility for becoming whole. And a lot of it (though by no means all of it) is solid, and gives good advice. But as I said earlier, principles are not enough, and part of this is that many times we know what to do but don’t have the wherewithal to do it. The good news here, is that when we fully surrender to Him, He works in us both in our desires, and in the wherewithal to do what is good (Philippians 2:12, 13). His help however, is only available when we fully return to the Shepherd and guardian of our souls (Psalm 23:1; 1 Peter 2:25).

Father, it only struck me this morning, that the above quote from 1 Peter itself quotes the already quoted verse “All we like sheep have gone astray” (Isaiah 53:6). And I want to thank You this morning Lord for all that You have made available in the work of our Lord Jesus on the cross. It is indeed available, but like physical healing it’s not automatic. Part of this, is that we are in a war to the death with the enemy of our souls. But as I meditate upon these things this morning Father, something rises up within me, a determination that with Your help, no matter what the cost, no matter what the difficulty, I will contend for and pursue, everything that was paid for at Calvary. In Jesus Name Amen

Do you want to be made whole? (III) Responding with faith

The writer to the Hebrews speaks of those who when they heard the word it did not profit them, because it was not mixed with faith (Hebrews 4:2). In fact I have seen many miraculous physical healings, I have even received some in my own body. Nevertheless each new situation seems to present a new challenge, and I’m not sure I will ever get to the place where I never need to respond with “I believe, help my unbelief” ( Mark 9:24). I have recently been diagnosed with the wet form of macular degeneration in my left eye. I have sought prayer for this several times, and there seems to be some improvement, but it’s very subjective. By "coincidence” we were independently discussing healing this week, and I was challenged by a sister in the Lord’s testimony, of the healing of her migraine headaches.

In fact she had received a revelation of her birthright concerning healing. Having read the Scripture “He sent forth His Word and healed them” (Psalm 107:20), she asked Him for a Word. He reminded her of a familiar one “By his stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5). The stripes of course referred to the welts left by scourging (Mark 15:15), and the the point is that provision is made for our healing in the atonement. It’s not automatic, Paul for example, did not receive healing from his “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). But in my sister's case, the Lord had quickened His word, He had sent it forth, and she received it by faith. The Lord took the migraine from her, but she was tested. In fact, it came back, but she took authority over it and it diminished. It came back a third time and she took authority over it again. And after that it has not returned!

It is something of a mystery to know why not everybody gets healed. Notwithstanding the fact that our prayers need to be mixed with faith, it is outrageous to learn that some who have not been healed have been blamed for their lack of faith by the ones praying for them. I would rather blame the lack of faith on the one praying. Jesus never rebuked those seeking healing for their lack of faith, He did however rebuke the disciples when their prayers had not resulted in healing (Mark 9:19). We are told that Paul did not receive his healing “lest he should be exalted above measure by the abundance of the revelations” (2 Corinthians 12:7). In the same passage however, the Lord promises that His grace is sufficient for us whether we are healed or not, and also that His strength is perfected in us, in and through our weaknesses (verse 9).

Father, if we never pray for anybody certainly nobody will get healed. But if we pray for many some at least will get healed. And Lord, as I seek to press into Your promises I pray once again “I believe help my unbelief.” Thank You Lord that Your grace is indeed sufficient, that You have promised to supply all of my needs according to Your riches in glory. I know by faith that You do all things well. Thank You for the measure of healing that You have given, and I praise and bless You again this morning, in Jesus Name Amen

Do you want to be made whole? (II) The need for tenacity

I am firmly convinced that 99.99% of us live at levels far, far below those at which we are intended to live, and at which we could live, if we were determined to answer “Yes” to the question at the head of this post. My heroes in this life tend to be those who, not so much in spite of the circumstances they found themselves in, but rather because of them, rose with His help above it all. I’m thinking of people like Joni Eareckson Tada, or Nick Vujicic. I’m thinking of Joseph in the Bible, betrayed by his brothers, thrown into a pit, sold into slavery, falsely accused of rape and thrown into prison etc, etc. But at each stage, he overcame, even finding favour in the sight of his keepers. I think I likely speak for them, when I say that they could do not to do this without Him, but with Him all things are possible.

Two friends of mine had strokes. One of them expected the doctors and the physiotherapists to do just about everything for him in his recovery. There was very little improvement! The other friend has tenacity (stick-to-itiveness), and she presses in with everything she has. She has surprised the doctors over and over in her slow, but steady recovery. At the point of writing, they are in the process of building up her legs muscles so she can stand. But it’s not just in physical ailments where we need to tenacity, it is in every area of difficulties of life. Jesus told us that He came that we might have life in all its fullness (John 10:10b). And I for one am determined not to settle for anything less than this. I am encouraged by the cloud of witnesses, I choose to lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, I choose to run with endurance the race that is set before me, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith (Hebrews 1, 2).

The weight and the sin, my sin, and other's sin. I have come to realize, that its not what happens, or what we have done, or what’s done to us that is important, it’s how we respond to these things. We can respond with faith, or not, but because what is not of faith is sin (Romans 14:23), if we don’t, then that in and of itself is sin and that will not lead to the abundant life. Actually knowing it's sin is good news, because if I know it’s sin, then I can repent of it, and be forgiven and cleansed (1 John 1:9). But I can’t do any of this without Him, I need to look to Jesus for help. He is the one who initiates my faith, He is the author. He is the the finisher of my faith, the one who will keep right on working in me until that day (Philippians 1:6).

Father, I thank You for the gift of faith, I thank You Lord that life and health and peace is found in You. I thank You that we have not been left to struggle alone. I thank You that when we are tired of being tenacious, when we are weary and heavy laden, that we can come to You, and You will give us rest for our souls. I thank You that You promised never to leave us nor forsake us. And I thank You that in partnership with You we can rise above it all, and enter into the abundant life. In fact that is why You came and so I give You praise and thanks again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen