“The woman You gave” … Playing the blame game.

Sooner or later we need (whether we do it is another question) to start to ask “How did I get myself into this mess?” Human nature seems to be such that in seeking to answer this question, we will likely look for someone to blame. We come by this honestly (even when it is dishonest!). When God asked Adam in the garden if he had eaten the forbidden fruit, the first words out of his mouth were “The woman you gave ...” In other words, it's the woman's fault, and actually God it's your fault too, You are the one who gave her to me!

It's not hard to find someone to blame, I mean nobody is perfect, least of all me. But have you noticed (especially in others) we all seem to have this tendency to minimize our own faults and maximize the other buddies? We see this in Adam too. In stead of taking responsibility for his own decisions, he laid the blame full on the Mrs. I mean she started it right? The problem with the blame game though, is that it does not lead to fullness of life. It can leave us unhappy, bitter and cranky, and far too often we finish up with a shipwrecked relationship. Well he/she does not understand me, he/she is selfish, he/she only thinks of number 1, is always doing things to deliberately annoy me. It's enough to make you into a recluse!

In many ways I just described me, at least me before I encountered the Lord. At the break up of my first marriage I blamed her 100% for the difficulties, it was only later that I started to discover that I was (and am) far from innocent. It seems to be very common in a relationship break up for both sides to lay 100% of the blame on the other one. Part of the problem is that we don't know ourselves very well. I have come to suspect that the one I would have the most difficulty with is a carbon copy of myself walking down the road in the opposite direction. In other words I have found it a real challenge when I come across my own faults in an other. I noticed this first in others. Shortly after conversion, I encountered this young woman who came our meetings. She talked and talked and talked non stop. Taking her home one time she was going on and on about another person in the group. “I can't stand him,” she said. When I asked what it was about him that she disliked here response was “Well you can't get a word in edgeways!” It was a perfect of example of a Biblical saying which talks about our judging in others, the very thing we do ourselves.

It is so much easier to see the other person's faults. What is not so easy is to see them in ourselves. We will be examining (checking out) a saying of Jesus about the truth setting us free. The Scripture also talks about speaking the truth in love. My experience is that no matter how gently, how much love and affection I have for the other one, most people seem to find it almost impossible to hear the truth. We seem to fall into two equal and opposite errors, we speak the truth but not in love, or we conflict avoid keeping quiet pushing the “little foxes” under the rug until what is under the rug is a monster. So often though, when we speak the truth even in love, we enter into a tunnel of conflict, and more often than not we exit post haste the same direction we went in! What I am saying is that our ability to give and receive the truth is something of a lost art. But healthy relationships cannot exist without vulnerability, honesty and humility.

In my first marriage I fought too much, in my second not enough. Fighting can be constructive or destructive. Learning to control our anger is important. Seeing each other's point of view is so very very necessary. Learning to listen is paramount. The best place for us to come in our relationship difficulties is to the foot of the Cross of Christ. You see when we compare ourselves with each other we are not wise, but when we compare ourselves with Jesus, we have more of a realistic picture of who we are, and what we should be. As they drove cruel spikes into His hands and feet He prayed “Father forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.” I have a ways to go. How about you? At the foot of the cross, I see I have not arrived, but at the foot of the cross I see that there is full acceptance and forgiveness. At the foot of the cross we are leveled, "for all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God". Knowing how much we need to be forgiven helps us to see how much we need to forgive. At the foot of the cross we start the process of becoming more like Him. At the foot of the cross we, and our relationships, start to become whole.