Independence, interdependence, codependence


Our society tends to regard independence as the highest form of maturity. Yet there is something higher than independence, it's that form of interdependence defined as the willingness to surrender some aspects of our independence for the good of the relationship. Clearly the level at which we are prepared to yield our independence, depends on the type of relationship.  However, too much independence can sabotage a relationship, especially in marriage! Proverbs warn “Whoever isolates himself pursues selfish ends” (18:1). Selfishness leaves little room for intimacy. On the other hand surrendering too much independence (or never having attained it) is also toxic. It's called codependence.  A codependent person is someone whose thinking and behaviour revolves around others. These relationships can become enmeshed, each feeding off the other person's emotions, such as when a mother takes on her teenage daughter’s anxiety and depression!

Clearly, the best expression and balance of this, needs to be found in the marriage relationship (Ephesians 5:21ff). And although Jesus was never married He does have something to teach us about this.  Four incidents in His Jesus are helpful here. The first is when Mary and Joseph had unwittingly left Him in Jerusalem. He was at the Temple about His Father's business.  They thought He was with the returning caravan.  At twelve,  Jesus is starting the journey from dependence, to independence. They gave him a mild rebuke,  He returned with them to Nazareth and was submissive to them (Luke 2:41-51).  Children are to obey and honour their parents. It comes with a promise that it may go well with them (Ephesians 6:1-3). He is growing in wisdom and stature (verse 52).

In the second story, they had run out of wine at a wedding that Jesus and his mother were attending. It would have been quite a disgrace! Jesus' mother  prevails on Him to do something about it, but He tells her “My time has not yet come!” Nevertheless,  He performs a miracle, changing water into wine (John 2:1-11). As a 30 something adult,  He continues to honour His mother, yielding some of his independence.  The next story is a counterbalances this. It was later when His mother and brothers came to take hold of Him, thinking He was out of His mind. Jesus was no longer a child, and no longer subject to them. Nevertheless He continues to honour his mother by gently putting up an appropriate boundary and disassociating himself from their intent (Mark 3:20-35). Having healthy boundaries is about knowing when and how to take a stand,  and when to yield.  They are about knowing who we are, and thus having the confidence to know what to do, and to do it well.

The final incident was as He was being crucified on the cross. From the cross He tasked the disciple John, with taking care of His mother, taking her into his home. He was no longer able to do so personally, but still in the midst of His pain He still fulfills His responsibility (John 19:26, 27).

Lord Jesus, it has been said that You are perfect theology, and indeed You show us the perfect balance between interdependence (leaving)  and honouring Your mother. As a child You were subject them, as an adult You gave us beautiful example of yielding part of Your independence.  Yet you were also able to put up appropriate boundaries. Finally Lord You did not neglect Your responsibility to provide for Your mother, even in the midst of unbelievable pain. We worship You this morning Lord in Your precious Name Amen