Finding a safe place, a place to be real, a place to heal.

I said in the last post that I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships. But what is safe, can be in the eye of the beholder.  For some, a safe place is one in which we are allowed to hide who we are, where nobody asks awkward questions. In such places  openness is frowned upon as drawing attention to oneself. And lets face it, there are certainly those who flaunt their sin and rebellion. This is not what I am talking about.  But where is the line that separates genuine humility and openness from flaunting exhibitionism, and what is it that makes a person a flaunting exhibitionist in the first place?   These are important questions.   Statistics indicate that many,  if not most,  prostitutes have histories of sexual abuse. Perhaps their shamelessness is simply a way of dealing with overwhelming and debilitating shame.  Perhaps the shamelessness of the Pharisee (October 4th post) is also a way of dealing with the same thing?  Well yes, he hides it well, but don't we all wear masks at some level?

At a crucial time in my journey, yet another book was put into my hand.  Actually it was a phrase from a book I was flipping through. The phrase  (due to John  Bradshaw) is this “If in a relationship one is open and the other covered, then both finish up violating each other”.   I understood well how the open one is violated. Perhaps you do too, when in your attempt to be open and honest you were rejected and judged, and your confessions came back to you as accusations.  

What I did not understand though, until I thought and prayed about it,  is how the covered one is violated. As usual the insight came through the Bible.  You see before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed.  After the fall they hid (Genesis 3).  Before they made poor choices nakedness (openness and transparency) was normal and natural.  Suddenly it became necessary to hide. In a world where people make poor choices,  we somehow or other have to deal with hidden agendas, manipulation, control, judgmentalism, rejection and the like.   I started to see that openness invites  (or even demands) openness.  But if we are frightened to death of being discovered, the “invitation” to be open can be received as an unwelcome pressure. It is a little bit like Adam trying to peek behind Eve's fig leaves. It feels a bit like the spiritual equivalent of sexual harassment.   No wonder we hide. How could it be otherwise?  I started to see why my openness was being regarded as shamelessness. Well attack is the best form of defence right? But I am called to an openness which (some may find hard to believe)  that even I find scarey at times.  Why would He do that, call people to openness?  Well the Bible has the answer to that too.

There is one verse that kind of sums  it all up for me. It says “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed” (James 5: 16).   It has to start somewhere. As I said earlier, when we are open and honest and transparent with one another, we discover that we are much more alike than we realize. I have been saying it a lot recently “in many things we all fail”, note "many things” not just a few, and no exceptions, not me, not you.  When we confess to God, we are forgiven. When we find a safe place where there is unconditional acceptance, where we will not be judged when we confess to one another, then we are healed. This is a big part of the success of 12 step programs. 

I have discovered though that confession, if it is not a two way street (i.e. one to another),  is not safe.  Actually if we do not confess our faults  one to another we are likely to confess one another's faults (accusation), and this is not quite so healing (British understatement).  Of course there will be times, even in genuine community, when there will be a need to go to the other person in humility and “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).  When we fail to do either of the above, it is more than likely that we will tell others outside the relationship. That spreads the dirt,  involves others in the problem, and invites them to take sides. Perhaps the two greatest destroyers of community are first of all gossip (and lets face it,  gossip is all about telling the other brother), and second of all, the breaking of confidentiality.  No community is safe where these two sins are allowed to go unchecked. 


But what if there was a place where you were loved and accepted unconditionally, where your  faults and weakness and shame were met with understanding and genuine sympathy, where people came along side you when you were hurting, even when it was your own fault?  What if there was a place where every positive step was met with encouragement, where people helped you get up when you  were down,  where your confession was met not only with others saying they had the same problem, but that they were glad you shared because it helped them to get things off their chest? What if you discovered that a place like this is a place of healing and of encouragement to be all that you can be? What if you discovered that in such a place people liked you exactly as you are,  warts and all?

Some would tell me “You are dreaming Phil, places like that do not exist”. But actually they do. When it is working properly (and in places it does),  AA is such a place, as is ALANON.  The Church is supposed to be like this. It is admittedly rare in North America (at least from what I have seen),  but it does exist.  In fact it is an essential part of what  true Christian community is all about. We read about it in the early chapters of Acts. It is meant to provoke us to find it,  or help create it when we don't.  The Good Book tells us how, with God's help to make it happen,  to find healing in openness and transparency.  If, as I say,  we cannot find it, then we need to create it.  In last day's post I shared a primary goal in this latter stage of my life.  I am more and more convinced that this can only be fully realized in the sort of community I am beginning to describe here. So finding/creating  such a community is a major component of  my goals in these last days. To what extent am I being successful? Well that is not for me to say. What is for me to say, is that I am determined, that I will with God's help either find it/create it, or die trying.  More to come.