There is a reason we are required, in a court of law to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and that is there are many ways to deceive. Omitting some of the truth, for example, can be just as deceptive as lying. Then there are a multitude of ways to exaggerate, twist, or distort the truth, or to otherwise deceive. The one the Bible describes as the enemy of our souls, is very good at such deceptions, he has after all, had thousands of years to practice his skill. He is a liar and the Father of lies. In light of this it might just be possible that he has deceived you, no matter how sharp or quick witted you are. The Bible speaks of him as the one deceives the whole World (Revelation 12:9). Not one of us has all the truth, and at some level we are all deceived. Since his agenda is to kill and to steal and to destroy, he uses deception to fool us up, to divert us from what is good and wholesome and to trip us up. The question then is not if we are deceived, but where! Of course if we knew we were believing a lie, we would not believe it! The deceptions of the Devil are subtle, and we need God's help to identify and change destructive patterns of thought, belief and behaviour.
An example is in order. I have a friend who used to tell me over and over “I am a looser”. I told him that this is a lie. “But is it true”, he told me, and went on to explain why it was true, where he had failed, what he and not done with his life. I would be less than honest if I did not admit that the world might well use the things he was saying to label him as a looser. But there are a host of lies that surround such labels. It has to do with what we value. In the West, these things consist of things like success, the accumulation of stuff, fame and fortune, beauty and intelligence. I am not saying these things are necessarily bad, but when they become the sole focus of our lives, they become idols, or false gods. The lie then that sits behind such labels is that it is the above things that give a person worth. It is these things that (in the World's eyes) define him or her as winner or looser, as cool or as geek. In the worlds' eyes maybe, but not in God's eyes. And not, when we are in our right mind, in our eyes either. What mother values her newborn for what he or she can do for her, or for what they have achieved? The baby is precious because he or she is a daughter or a son. This is the way that God thinks about us too. God affirmed Jesus before He even started ministry (Mark 1:11). I hope I have said enough for us to identify my friends words as false. They are I believe a deception of the Devil.
We need to say more about these things, but first I want to describe how believing these distortions too easily form a vicious cycle that keeps us wounded and stuck. Lets take the lie “I am a looser”. Believing this first and foremost undermines confidence. Many have been told over and over “you will never amount to anything, you are just like your father”. I doubt that those who say such things realize just how devastating they can be. I mean if this lie is believed (belief) then inevitably it will be accompanied by the expectation of failure, and this has to shows up in performance (behaviour). In order to succeed, we need to try new things, and the expectation of failure can cause us to fail to even try, or if we try we don't give it our best shot (after all what is the point, we are going to fail anyway). The result is of course predictable. We fail and the experience reinforces the belief. “See, I am a looser, I can't do anything right”. So then the belief (expectation) leads to the behaviour (attitude), which leads to the experience which reinforces the belief. Its called self fulfilling prophecy!
So far we are still identifying the destructive patterns of thought. As we start to move towards changing them we are given advice from the book of proverbs, which emphasizes over and over the need to get understanding. We will certainly need this if we are to untangle the deceptions of our enemy. So how do we get wisdom (understanding)? The Scriptures promise that we will have more wisdom than even our teachers when we immerse ourselves in, and continue in, His Word (Psalm 119:99; John 8:31). In terms of the specifics there is a wonderful promise in James 1:5. “If anyone lacks wisdom let Him ask of God who gives liberally and it shall be given”. I don't know about you, but I qualify for this promise!
Health and wholeness in the Christian life is not automatic. We need the milk of the Word when we are babes in Christ, but if we are content to live there we will not grow into maturity, for “Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:13,14). The point is that when we first come to Christ, there will be many places where we may not yet be able to recognize good from bad. The passage from Hebrews is telling us that it is only as we exercise our (spiritual) senses (i.e. “by constant use have trained themselves”) that we will begin to see the good and the evil and even the strongholds in our lives. Like the athlete, we need to exercise our spirits vigorously and consistently in the deep things of God, when we do this we will be (being) transformed by the renewing of our minds. Then and only then will we be able to prove what is the good and perfect and acceptable will of God (Romans 12:1,2), and to fulfill our goal to “identify and change destructive patterns of thought, belief and behaviour”
We will need to talk not only about identifying these things, but also changing them. For today however, I want give some more examples of what Kylstras (of Restoring the Foundations) call ungodly beliefs. Here they are:
• My feelings don't count – no one cares how I feel
• I must not let anyone know who I am (I will always be rejected)
• My value is in what I do
• The perfect life has no conflict
• I am ugly
• I can never change
• No one has problems like me
• The best way to respond when someone hurts me is to cut them off
• I will always be lonely
• God loves others more than me
• When things go wrong, it is God punishing me
• I would be happy if I were rich / successful/ more intelligent
Like with my friend who felt he was a looser, some of these things may appear to be true. They are however all distortions of Biblical truth. For example, God thinks you are beautiful no matter what the World may say. Does that impact you, change you? Many of us have this "rubber heart" syndrome, where it just bounces off us. We need to find ways to ensure that these truths sink in, and for them to become who we believe ourselves to be. If we are to become whole, we must begin the process of taking more notice of what God thinks about us, than of the negative things others may think about us (see also switching fathers April 2011). More to come.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Freedom III. The Importance of forgiveness
I have been saying over and over that we cannot be full of God when we are full of other things. Lets apply this to unforgiveness. We cannot be full of God when we are full of anger or bitterness or resentment, or self righteousness for that matter, or when we are being judgmental. unforgiveness opens up doors to all kinds of things that God wants to protect us from (strife and the like are destructive, no matter whose fault it is). When we are full of these things and not willing to let go, He will not provide for us with the fullness of His love, His Spirit, His joy etc., etc.
I think it is important to say a couple of things about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not saying that what he or she did was okay. Forgiveness is not about pretending it did not hurt us when it did. Forgiveness is not giving permission for the person to do it again. The one who benefits most from my forgiveness is me. One person put it this way “Forgiveness is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past”. And lets make no mistake about it when we do not or cannot forgive, we are contaminated by it. It affects our moods and our physical and spiritual health. Unforgiveness is an acid that eats away at our sense of well being, and when it degenerates into bitterness (and even before) is poisons not only us personally, but also those we love (see “Don't get mad, get even and poison … ). Unforgiveness prevents unity and reconciliation, and promotes the very opposite agenda of our Lord and our God (Ephesians 1:9-11).
Jesus has some of His most difficult teaching about unforgiveness. If we will not forgive others, neither will He forgive us (Matthew 6:15). Forgiveness is about giving the other person (sometimes ourselves) a gift that is undeserved. There is no way that we deserve to be forgiven by God. But He is willing to forgive us freely and fully. He takes our sins and casts them into the sea of forgetfulness. He is our model. I do not pretend this is easy, but we need to realize that unforgiveness is like a cancer to our emotional, spiritual and even physical health. Going through the motions here is not enough. How much cancer do you want them to leave in your body if they operate on you for cancer? Sometimes radical surgery is necessary. It is certainly like this with unforgiveness.
Jesus teaching is, as I say, difficult, but as always it is for our provision and protection, and if we are to enter into this, we need to deal with unforgiveness radically. So He tells us that the same measure with which we forgive, is exactly the same measure we are forgiven. You see we cannot demand or want justice for the other guy, but mercy for me. If we demand justice or revenge (which is what unforgiveness is really all about), then we put ourselves under the Law. And we will be judged by the Law. The Scriptures tell us that by the works of the Law will no one be justified (Galatians 2:16). Actually the Law in intended to show us that we need Christ's righteousness, or as Paul puts it “The law is our schoolmaster to bring us to Christ” (Galatians 3:24). When we read the Law, we start to realize just how far short we fall of His Glory. What do you want when you die Justice or Mercy (see Pulled over for speeding.... June 2010)? Remember that in many things we all fail (James 3:2)? We will have to give an account of every idle word (Matthew 12:36).
Let me say it again, none of this is to say that it is easy. A quotation from Marianne Williamson says “At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Like so many other things that He requires of us, He is more than willing to give us help. Most of us find that forgiving someone is a process. It starts with a decision. I choose to forgive. I may need to start a ways back “I am willing to forgive”. When it is really hard we may need to start with “I am willing to be willing”. We have to start where we are “at”, and He understands that . “He knows my frame and He knows we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13). This is where we need to start, but not where we need to end up. We need to continue the process until we can forgive from the heart (Matthew 18:35). The good news is that He helps us when we obey. When we obey He starts the process of healing, and the more we are healed the more able we are to obey, the more we are healed etc., etc. In this way, we enter into His positive cycles of recovery!
I think it is important to say a couple of things about what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not saying that what he or she did was okay. Forgiveness is not about pretending it did not hurt us when it did. Forgiveness is not giving permission for the person to do it again. The one who benefits most from my forgiveness is me. One person put it this way “Forgiveness is the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past”. And lets make no mistake about it when we do not or cannot forgive, we are contaminated by it. It affects our moods and our physical and spiritual health. Unforgiveness is an acid that eats away at our sense of well being, and when it degenerates into bitterness (and even before) is poisons not only us personally, but also those we love (see “Don't get mad, get even and poison … ). Unforgiveness prevents unity and reconciliation, and promotes the very opposite agenda of our Lord and our God (Ephesians 1:9-11).
Jesus has some of His most difficult teaching about unforgiveness. If we will not forgive others, neither will He forgive us (Matthew 6:15). Forgiveness is about giving the other person (sometimes ourselves) a gift that is undeserved. There is no way that we deserve to be forgiven by God. But He is willing to forgive us freely and fully. He takes our sins and casts them into the sea of forgetfulness. He is our model. I do not pretend this is easy, but we need to realize that unforgiveness is like a cancer to our emotional, spiritual and even physical health. Going through the motions here is not enough. How much cancer do you want them to leave in your body if they operate on you for cancer? Sometimes radical surgery is necessary. It is certainly like this with unforgiveness.
Jesus teaching is, as I say, difficult, but as always it is for our provision and protection, and if we are to enter into this, we need to deal with unforgiveness radically. So He tells us that the same measure with which we forgive, is exactly the same measure we are forgiven. You see we cannot demand or want justice for the other guy, but mercy for me. If we demand justice or revenge (which is what unforgiveness is really all about), then we put ourselves under the Law. And we will be judged by the Law. The Scriptures tell us that by the works of the Law will no one be justified (Galatians 2:16). Actually the Law in intended to show us that we need Christ's righteousness, or as Paul puts it “The law is our schoolmaster to bring us to Christ” (Galatians 3:24). When we read the Law, we start to realize just how far short we fall of His Glory. What do you want when you die Justice or Mercy (see Pulled over for speeding.... June 2010)? Remember that in many things we all fail (James 3:2)? We will have to give an account of every idle word (Matthew 12:36).
Let me say it again, none of this is to say that it is easy. A quotation from Marianne Williamson says “At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.” Like so many other things that He requires of us, He is more than willing to give us help. Most of us find that forgiving someone is a process. It starts with a decision. I choose to forgive. I may need to start a ways back “I am willing to forgive”. When it is really hard we may need to start with “I am willing to be willing”. We have to start where we are “at”, and He understands that . “He knows my frame and He knows we are but dust” (Psalm 103:13). This is where we need to start, but not where we need to end up. We need to continue the process until we can forgive from the heart (Matthew 18:35). The good news is that He helps us when we obey. When we obey He starts the process of healing, and the more we are healed the more able we are to obey, the more we are healed etc., etc. In this way, we enter into His positive cycles of recovery!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Corner stone III: Freedom for the captives- becoming oaks of righteousness II
There is Biblical counterpart to last day's secular recovery saying “We will not change, until the pain of being stuck becomes greater than the pain and fear of change”. The Biblical counterpart is “We will not change until we are hurt enough we have to, learn enough we want to, and receive enough to be able to”. Healing and change and freedom are linked realities. We become more and more free when we change to the direction to which He moves us, and we able change as we become more and more healed.
Concerning receiving enough to be able to change, it is in His embrace that we are healed. It is in fellowship with Him that our broken hearts are meanded, as we find our value and meaning in our connection with Him. It is in Him we find out who we truly are, and where we can even start to feel good about ourselves. What we are talking about here, is intimacy with God. This intimacy is key to our healing, recovery and freedom. But there are many things that can keep us from it . Perhaps the biggest block of all is our sin.
I came to know the Lord out of an ungodly lifestyle, and in a lot of pain. I did not immediately connect my pain to my lifestyle (it is easy to blame everybody else), but I was desperate, and I found in His embrace a Love and comfort that allowed me to survive, and ultimately to start to live. I knew some of the things that displeased Him, and with His help made some early significant adjustments. However, when you have spent a lifetime feeding your various appetites, the desire for those things does not immediately die. It was my pain that God used to teach me what was pleasing to Him, the very same things that bring life. When the old desires got strong enough, and I would start to move towards them, He would as it were, open His arms saying “Phil, you can go there if you want to, but I cannot come with you”. As I continued along my chosen path the pain and the confusion and darkness would start to return and I would run back to His arms saying “Whatever it is Lord show me, I cannot live without You”. And He did show me, and I would choose His way over my sin. In this way, I became very teachable. I was learning that our becoming free, becoming oaks of righteousness and being healed are interrelated. I was starting to learn enough to want to change, to really change and stay changed!
I was encouraged to read the Bible regularly. It was His Word that first alerted me to the connection of my pain and my former lifestyle. I read “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; And your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59:1,2). He was using His Word to confirm what He was teaching me, that I could not have my sin and Him too. I must choose. It was not that He could not hear when I chose other than His ways, He would not hear. I was learning that the nature of reality is that the good things are to be found only in following Him. Oh there is pleasure in sin, but it is only for a season (Hebrews 11:25). Moreover our sin does not really satisfy, but rather as time goes by, we need more and more to get less and less high! In this way we are drawn deeper and deeper into destructive addictions.
Starting to see and understand that sin is destructive is part of learning enough to want to change. Jesus tells us that “He who sins is the slave of sin”. The cornerstone of recovery we are dealing with here is about “freedom to the captives”. Jesus tells us “If the Son shall set you free, you will be free indeed”. Freedom and healing and God's willingness to intervene in our lives are linked to our response to Him. The Lord uses His promises to draw us to Himself and to wholeness. One such promise is to be found in 2 Chronicles 7:14:
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
The context of this verse is about the “desolations” in which we find ourselves when we and/or our culture insists on going our own way. The truth of the matter, the nature of reality if you like, is that sin always has negative consequences. If we will allow Him to, God will use our pain to help us to rethink the direction of our lives. The Bible puts it this way “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap" (Galatians 6:7).
The problem is we are so easily deceived, but when we come to our senses and are willing to see that a large part of our pain is because of our poor choices, then we find that God is waiting for us to take us back and to heal us. It is our sins that separate us from Him, but our God is gracious, and when we return to Him, He will abundantly pardon, for He is full of compassion. There are three things the above verse tells us that He will do, He will hear us, He will forgive us and He will heal our land. That is God will change the whole course of History in response to the obedience of those who are “called by My name”. He has promised, but it's not automatic. The promise has conditions that must be fulfilled. In fact in this verse from 2nd Chronicles, there are three. Lets take them one at a time
Firstly “If my people …. will humble themselves and pray....” We are a proud people here in the West! That rugged North American independence, the self made man (or woman) attitude, the “I don't need anyone” syndrome, has left us wounded and isolated and lonely. To admit that we need another or even God is humbling. “Christianity is a crutch” I was told. 'No my friend Christianity is a brand new pair of legs, and at some level we all limp without Him'. I don't pretend that it is not humbling to come to the end of ourselves, but we need to go further and humble ourselves and cry out to Him (“humble ourselves and pray'). It is the start of (or the return to) our relationship with Him. When we cry out to Him like this, we will find Him to be gracious and compassionate and He will abundantly pardon.
Secondly “If my people …. will seek my Face ..” As I said above it is in His embrace that we are healed, that we become more and more free. Christianity is not first and foremost about rules and regulations, it is not about ritual, not about church, it is all about Him. I am not saying that these things are not important, but we do need to realize that religion can keep us from Him. His purpose in sending Jesus was not so that we would become religious – after all it was the religious types that crucified Him. His purpose in sending Jesus to die for our sins is so that He could bridge the yawning gulf that our sin caused between you and I and Him. Seeking His face is about prayer too, but it is more than a grocery list of our requests. He wants to pour out His love into our hearts (Romans 5:5), it is through sitting before Him in prayer that we experience this.
One of the problems of seeking His face, is that He is Holy and pure and we are not. What this can mean is that we feel guilty in His presence, and we can allow that to keep us from Him. This is perhaps, the main reason we need to fulfill the third condition: “If my people … will turn from their wicked ways”. When we come to God because we are in pain and trouble, more often than not, He will point out something in our lives that He wants to deal with. It is these very same things that keep in bondage. These things may even keep us from seeking His face, but the confession and forsaking sin (turning from our wicked way), and healing and being set free are closely related. James tell us “Confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
When we do our part, then He does His. He will hear from heaven. In fact “When we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to not only to forgive us our sin, but to cleans us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9), and He will heal our land starting with us, and we will increasingly walk in true freedom.
Concerning receiving enough to be able to change, it is in His embrace that we are healed. It is in fellowship with Him that our broken hearts are meanded, as we find our value and meaning in our connection with Him. It is in Him we find out who we truly are, and where we can even start to feel good about ourselves. What we are talking about here, is intimacy with God. This intimacy is key to our healing, recovery and freedom. But there are many things that can keep us from it . Perhaps the biggest block of all is our sin.
I came to know the Lord out of an ungodly lifestyle, and in a lot of pain. I did not immediately connect my pain to my lifestyle (it is easy to blame everybody else), but I was desperate, and I found in His embrace a Love and comfort that allowed me to survive, and ultimately to start to live. I knew some of the things that displeased Him, and with His help made some early significant adjustments. However, when you have spent a lifetime feeding your various appetites, the desire for those things does not immediately die. It was my pain that God used to teach me what was pleasing to Him, the very same things that bring life. When the old desires got strong enough, and I would start to move towards them, He would as it were, open His arms saying “Phil, you can go there if you want to, but I cannot come with you”. As I continued along my chosen path the pain and the confusion and darkness would start to return and I would run back to His arms saying “Whatever it is Lord show me, I cannot live without You”. And He did show me, and I would choose His way over my sin. In this way, I became very teachable. I was learning that our becoming free, becoming oaks of righteousness and being healed are interrelated. I was starting to learn enough to want to change, to really change and stay changed!
I was encouraged to read the Bible regularly. It was His Word that first alerted me to the connection of my pain and my former lifestyle. I read “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; And your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear” (Isaiah 59:1,2). He was using His Word to confirm what He was teaching me, that I could not have my sin and Him too. I must choose. It was not that He could not hear when I chose other than His ways, He would not hear. I was learning that the nature of reality is that the good things are to be found only in following Him. Oh there is pleasure in sin, but it is only for a season (Hebrews 11:25). Moreover our sin does not really satisfy, but rather as time goes by, we need more and more to get less and less high! In this way we are drawn deeper and deeper into destructive addictions.
Starting to see and understand that sin is destructive is part of learning enough to want to change. Jesus tells us that “He who sins is the slave of sin”. The cornerstone of recovery we are dealing with here is about “freedom to the captives”. Jesus tells us “If the Son shall set you free, you will be free indeed”. Freedom and healing and God's willingness to intervene in our lives are linked to our response to Him. The Lord uses His promises to draw us to Himself and to wholeness. One such promise is to be found in 2 Chronicles 7:14:
If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
The context of this verse is about the “desolations” in which we find ourselves when we and/or our culture insists on going our own way. The truth of the matter, the nature of reality if you like, is that sin always has negative consequences. If we will allow Him to, God will use our pain to help us to rethink the direction of our lives. The Bible puts it this way “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap" (Galatians 6:7).
The problem is we are so easily deceived, but when we come to our senses and are willing to see that a large part of our pain is because of our poor choices, then we find that God is waiting for us to take us back and to heal us. It is our sins that separate us from Him, but our God is gracious, and when we return to Him, He will abundantly pardon, for He is full of compassion. There are three things the above verse tells us that He will do, He will hear us, He will forgive us and He will heal our land. That is God will change the whole course of History in response to the obedience of those who are “called by My name”. He has promised, but it's not automatic. The promise has conditions that must be fulfilled. In fact in this verse from 2nd Chronicles, there are three. Lets take them one at a time
Firstly “If my people …. will humble themselves and pray....” We are a proud people here in the West! That rugged North American independence, the self made man (or woman) attitude, the “I don't need anyone” syndrome, has left us wounded and isolated and lonely. To admit that we need another or even God is humbling. “Christianity is a crutch” I was told. 'No my friend Christianity is a brand new pair of legs, and at some level we all limp without Him'. I don't pretend that it is not humbling to come to the end of ourselves, but we need to go further and humble ourselves and cry out to Him (“humble ourselves and pray'). It is the start of (or the return to) our relationship with Him. When we cry out to Him like this, we will find Him to be gracious and compassionate and He will abundantly pardon.
Secondly “If my people …. will seek my Face ..” As I said above it is in His embrace that we are healed, that we become more and more free. Christianity is not first and foremost about rules and regulations, it is not about ritual, not about church, it is all about Him. I am not saying that these things are not important, but we do need to realize that religion can keep us from Him. His purpose in sending Jesus was not so that we would become religious – after all it was the religious types that crucified Him. His purpose in sending Jesus to die for our sins is so that He could bridge the yawning gulf that our sin caused between you and I and Him. Seeking His face is about prayer too, but it is more than a grocery list of our requests. He wants to pour out His love into our hearts (Romans 5:5), it is through sitting before Him in prayer that we experience this.
One of the problems of seeking His face, is that He is Holy and pure and we are not. What this can mean is that we feel guilty in His presence, and we can allow that to keep us from Him. This is perhaps, the main reason we need to fulfill the third condition: “If my people … will turn from their wicked ways”. When we come to God because we are in pain and trouble, more often than not, He will point out something in our lives that He wants to deal with. It is these very same things that keep in bondage. These things may even keep us from seeking His face, but the confession and forsaking sin (turning from our wicked way), and healing and being set free are closely related. James tell us “Confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
When we do our part, then He does His. He will hear from heaven. In fact “When we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to not only to forgive us our sin, but to cleans us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9), and He will heal our land starting with us, and we will increasingly walk in true freedom.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Corner stone or recovery III: Freedom for the captives- becoming oaks of righteousness.
There is a secular recovery saying that contains much truth. It is this: “We will not change, until the pain of being stuck becomes greater than the pain and fear of change”. As anyone who has tried to change will tell you, change is difficult. When I reached the sage of my journey where I first started to see my (desperate) need to change, I tried, I really did. In the midst of coming to the realization that I could not do this, I was given a (mental) picture that illuminated for me just how difficult it is to change. The picture was is that of an old fashioned cart with large spoked wooden wheels. The cart was sitting in a cart track where it had cut deep furrows into the mud. In my picture the furrows were deep, showing the wear of much use over many years, and the axle of the cart was at times scraping the central mound.
The thing about the ruts of life, is that once you get into them, the ruts are very likely to determined the way you go. What I saw was that perhaps by exerting almost super human effort, you could manage to push/pull the cart part of way up the side of the rut. The reason it is so hard of course, is because in order to get the cart out of the rut, you essentially have to lift the weight of the cart, and its heavy, weighed down with all the garbage you and I have one way or the other, accumulated in life. By a tremendous continued effort, you could keep the cart at that level, but the moment you relax, the weight of the cart would cause it to tumble back down to the bottom of the rut. Far too often you find yourself right back at square one, or perhaps worse as the weight and the momentum of the cart might actually make the rut deeper, and you could find yourself straddled on the central hump in the road (there were times I did not even seem to be able to move!).
So it is not just the pain and the fear of change that makes it difficult, but the incredible effort it takes to get out of the ruts of life. And then there is the ease with which we so easily fall back into the same old, same old. No wonder we tell ourselves “Its too hard, I can't do this”. It can seems like our “carts” are truly stuck. Have you been there yet? I have! It seems that sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves, before we become willing to turn to God and ask for His help. Too often He is our last resort, when if we were wise He would be our first resort. In my own journey, I became hurt enough and desperate enough to try anything, yes even God. But when I turned to Him, I found Him to be faithful. I found that His grace is sufficient for me. I found that His strength becomes perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). I found that “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27).
The help that we get from God is multifaceted. He wants to heal our broken hearts, He wants to love on us, He wants to restore our self worth (or to give it to us if we never ever had it). He wants to help us in our struggles, He wants to comforts us in our pain. He wants to show us how valued we are in His sight, He wants to replace our shame with dignity, exchange the ashes of our lives with beauty. He wants to restore to us the joy which has withered away. He wants to come along side as our helper, He is even willing to change our desires, and to give us the wherewithal to do the things that are good and right and proper.
He could do most of this without our cooperation of course, but as one person put it “Without God man cannot, without man, God will not”. This has to do with affording us dignity. He will not force Himself upon us, and besides He wants all of us. He is a passionate God and He desires that we be passionate about Him. Nothing less than everything will do. He paid an incredible price so that He could bring us close. While we were yet sinners (in our rebellion) He died to save us from ourselves, from our sin and from eternal separation form all that is evil and bad. In light of this, how can we give Him anything less than our best, than all we are and have? In light of His tender mercies it is only reasonable that we present ourselves to Him as a living sacrifice, so that in His presence we might we transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1,2).
And it is in His presence that everything changes. In His presence we see things as they really are. In His presence we receive healing. In His presence there is fullness of life and fullness of joy. When we drift away, we fall back into the fog of our addictions, our selfishness, our self indulgences, our sin and our hurt and our pain, our confusion our emptiness and our loneliness. We cannot be full of self and full of Him. We cannot be full of anger, or resentment or lust or pride and be full of Him. And we can't even by empty (though we can certainly feel empty). We are all full of something, even if it is only consciousness of our pain!
In fact this is a spiritual application of the physical principle “nature abhors vacuum”. You can't take the air out of a glass (for example) without putting something else into it. When we simply try and stop doing the things that we are doing, either something else will rush in to fill the void, or we will slide back into the same old rut. If we want to get rid of the garbage in our lives, it is not enough to stop doing the bad. We need to be replace the bad with something good. This is all explained in a passage in Matthew (12:43-45) where we are told that when the unclean spirit is cast out and it comes back to find the house clean and swept and empty, he brings with it 7 daemons worse than himself, and the latter sate of the man is worse than the former state. This exactly describes my own experience, my journey. I knew that the life I was living was not good, but was not immediately ready to surrender to Him. I tried to become an oak of righteousness, but it was not a planting of the Lord (Isaiah 61: 3), it was my own effort and it got old and tired very quickly. I then began to slide, slowly at first but quickly much much faster, until I was indeed worse off. I remember the moment of surrender at home alone looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw. “I cannot fight you any more” I told the Lord. “I am not fighting you Phil”, He told me. He took me into His embrace, and almost immediately I had to wonder why I fought Him so hard, it all seemed so right to be there with Him. It was then, and it is now many years later.
I have never regretted my decision to follow Him. He is always faithful, even when I am not. I have learned though that if I want to stay free, I need to stay close to Him. I have learned if and when I fall, to quickly return to Him. He is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse me when I confess my sins (1 John 1:8). I don't pretend it is always easy, but I do know that it is always worth it. He heals, He binds up the broken heart, He fill us with good things, and always leads us the way we should go. And the way we should go is what we knew all along, it is the way of righteousness, the way of goodness. We exchange or bad habits for ones that bring life. When we do it His way, we have help, we have a lot of help. I have learned that His ways are not only good and right and proper, they are smart! I have learned the truth that when the Son sets you free, you are free indeed (John 8:36).
(See also the posts “The freedom that enslaves”, “Slavery that frees” and “If the Son shall set you free, you will be free indeed” August 2010).
The thing about the ruts of life, is that once you get into them, the ruts are very likely to determined the way you go. What I saw was that perhaps by exerting almost super human effort, you could manage to push/pull the cart part of way up the side of the rut. The reason it is so hard of course, is because in order to get the cart out of the rut, you essentially have to lift the weight of the cart, and its heavy, weighed down with all the garbage you and I have one way or the other, accumulated in life. By a tremendous continued effort, you could keep the cart at that level, but the moment you relax, the weight of the cart would cause it to tumble back down to the bottom of the rut. Far too often you find yourself right back at square one, or perhaps worse as the weight and the momentum of the cart might actually make the rut deeper, and you could find yourself straddled on the central hump in the road (there were times I did not even seem to be able to move!).
So it is not just the pain and the fear of change that makes it difficult, but the incredible effort it takes to get out of the ruts of life. And then there is the ease with which we so easily fall back into the same old, same old. No wonder we tell ourselves “Its too hard, I can't do this”. It can seems like our “carts” are truly stuck. Have you been there yet? I have! It seems that sometimes we have to come to the end of ourselves, before we become willing to turn to God and ask for His help. Too often He is our last resort, when if we were wise He would be our first resort. In my own journey, I became hurt enough and desperate enough to try anything, yes even God. But when I turned to Him, I found Him to be faithful. I found that His grace is sufficient for me. I found that His strength becomes perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). I found that “With men it is impossible, but not with God; for with God all things are possible” (Mark 10:27).
The help that we get from God is multifaceted. He wants to heal our broken hearts, He wants to love on us, He wants to restore our self worth (or to give it to us if we never ever had it). He wants to help us in our struggles, He wants to comforts us in our pain. He wants to show us how valued we are in His sight, He wants to replace our shame with dignity, exchange the ashes of our lives with beauty. He wants to restore to us the joy which has withered away. He wants to come along side as our helper, He is even willing to change our desires, and to give us the wherewithal to do the things that are good and right and proper.
He could do most of this without our cooperation of course, but as one person put it “Without God man cannot, without man, God will not”. This has to do with affording us dignity. He will not force Himself upon us, and besides He wants all of us. He is a passionate God and He desires that we be passionate about Him. Nothing less than everything will do. He paid an incredible price so that He could bring us close. While we were yet sinners (in our rebellion) He died to save us from ourselves, from our sin and from eternal separation form all that is evil and bad. In light of this, how can we give Him anything less than our best, than all we are and have? In light of His tender mercies it is only reasonable that we present ourselves to Him as a living sacrifice, so that in His presence we might we transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1,2).
And it is in His presence that everything changes. In His presence we see things as they really are. In His presence we receive healing. In His presence there is fullness of life and fullness of joy. When we drift away, we fall back into the fog of our addictions, our selfishness, our self indulgences, our sin and our hurt and our pain, our confusion our emptiness and our loneliness. We cannot be full of self and full of Him. We cannot be full of anger, or resentment or lust or pride and be full of Him. And we can't even by empty (though we can certainly feel empty). We are all full of something, even if it is only consciousness of our pain!
In fact this is a spiritual application of the physical principle “nature abhors vacuum”. You can't take the air out of a glass (for example) without putting something else into it. When we simply try and stop doing the things that we are doing, either something else will rush in to fill the void, or we will slide back into the same old rut. If we want to get rid of the garbage in our lives, it is not enough to stop doing the bad. We need to be replace the bad with something good. This is all explained in a passage in Matthew (12:43-45) where we are told that when the unclean spirit is cast out and it comes back to find the house clean and swept and empty, he brings with it 7 daemons worse than himself, and the latter sate of the man is worse than the former state. This exactly describes my own experience, my journey. I knew that the life I was living was not good, but was not immediately ready to surrender to Him. I tried to become an oak of righteousness, but it was not a planting of the Lord (Isaiah 61: 3), it was my own effort and it got old and tired very quickly. I then began to slide, slowly at first but quickly much much faster, until I was indeed worse off. I remember the moment of surrender at home alone looking in the mirror and not liking what I saw. “I cannot fight you any more” I told the Lord. “I am not fighting you Phil”, He told me. He took me into His embrace, and almost immediately I had to wonder why I fought Him so hard, it all seemed so right to be there with Him. It was then, and it is now many years later.
I have never regretted my decision to follow Him. He is always faithful, even when I am not. I have learned though that if I want to stay free, I need to stay close to Him. I have learned if and when I fall, to quickly return to Him. He is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse me when I confess my sins (1 John 1:8). I don't pretend it is always easy, but I do know that it is always worth it. He heals, He binds up the broken heart, He fill us with good things, and always leads us the way we should go. And the way we should go is what we knew all along, it is the way of righteousness, the way of goodness. We exchange or bad habits for ones that bring life. When we do it His way, we have help, we have a lot of help. I have learned that His ways are not only good and right and proper, they are smart! I have learned the truth that when the Son sets you free, you are free indeed (John 8:36).
(See also the posts “The freedom that enslaves”, “Slavery that frees” and “If the Son shall set you free, you will be free indeed” August 2010).
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
If your brother sins against you.... Restoring Desolations IV
Speaking the truth in love is not, as I said above, recovery 101. But it is indispensable if we are going to grow. The importance of these things is underlined for me, in the teaching of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17. Jesus commands us to seek peace with our brother, and gives us a process to follow if we cannot settle things between the two of us. Whether we like it or not, or whether we acknowledge it or not, when things that need to be dealt with are not dealt with, they affect the whole of the fellowship.
Perhaps the level of importance of this teaching is seen in the fact that it is the second of just two passages in the gospels, where the word “church” is found on the lips of Jesus. Of course the church was not even in existence at the time. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that it if Jesus gave explicit instructions (while He still could) about how disputes are to be settled in the Church, then these teaching must be important. In fact both teachings are closely tied into His primary purpose in coming (Ephesians 1:9,10). The first occurrence of this word is to be found in Matthew 16:18, where He tells us about the foundation on which He will build His Church. It is the foundation of faith in Jesus Christ himself as the chief cornerstone (see also Ephesians 2:20). The teaching that faith in Christ is foundational has, of course, been widely embraced by the Church. On the other hand this second important teaching, that pertains to maintaining unity, and to the health of the body, has been largely ignored. We should pause to wonder why this should be so!
My own conclusion, is that it is simply too hard. It is in fact even harder than speaking the truth in love (see last day's post). This is because it essentially starts with the speaking the truth in love, but does not end with it. That is it too hard is of course an excuse, not a reason. We need to look at the text.
Matthew 18:15ff “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
I am fond of pointing out that many times there are two different ways to get a Scriptural teaching wrong. Many times there are just two equal and opposite errors, I call them ditches alongside the highway of holiness. But with this foundational teaching, there are a multitude of ways to get it wrong. How can we fail Him? Let me count the ways!
The first is this: 'If your brother sins against you, treat him like a tax collector'. To do this, of course, is to completely short circuit the process. Matthew had been a tax collector himself, and he would know well just what that felt like to be a tax collector in ancient Israel. It would have been even worse than being a tax collector or even a preacher today! In our goal oriented society we cut quickly to the bottom line. But God is far more interested in the process. The process here will reveal the heart, and the heart of the matter is the heart (Proverbs 4:23). The second way to get it wrong is this: 'If your brother sins against you, tell it to the Church'. Its called gossip! Incidentally, one of the ways I can know if I need to go to my brother, is if I am feeling compelled to “tell it to the church”, that is if I need to tell others! When things are not dealt with, they tend to fester, and when they do, they will spill over into the church. There is a spirit behind these things, and it is not the Spirit of Christ! A third way to get it wrong is if the offended one is soon “touchy” and tends to make mountains out of molehills. What is interesting here, is that if this is my weakness, if I am constantly being picky, going to my brother over every little thing, then if in the end I am not willing to be shown my fault, then the process will likely end up with me being the one treated like a tax collector. What I am saying is that the process itself has checks and balances built into it!
A fourth way I can get it wrong, is for me to go to my brother with the wrong attitude, for example if I go with the attitude that “I need to get this brother kicked out of the church”. The primary purpose here is to “win your brother (sister)” (verse 15b). Here again the process will reveal this, and attitudes of judgementalism and unlove will, if dealt with Biblically, will be dealt with as the process unfolds. In our teaching on this passage, we need to point out that getting “one or two others” who I know will take my side, is contrary to intent of the passage, and this too can (and should when necessary) backfire on the one bringing the complaint.
Another way to get this wrong (I have lost count), is to fail to even start, or to start, but not follow through, in the process because in our mind, the offense is not serious enough to kick someone out of the church. There are two problems with this, the first is that it misunderstands the passage as saying it is the offense that is the grounds for treating the person “like a tax collector”. The passage however teaches that the reason for moving through each step of the process is the same for each step. It is not about the severity of the offense, but it is rather "if he will not hear". It is about about the refusal to be reconciled, the refusal to deal with what needs to be dealt with. Unity, and the quality of the fellowship is what is at stake here. The second problem is that it is wrong to prejudge the case before all the facts are in. The offended party may not even be able to fully articulate what is at the heart of the problem. There are many things that are hidden, and only the process can unearth the truth. This is the meaning of the phrase that 'every word may be established.’ One counsellor put it this way “In a dispute we each know about 10% of the truth". The process is intended to carefully “establish every word.” Not everything is as it might at first appear.
A big part of what the witnesses need to do, is to help the warring parties to hear each other. To do this properly requires a lot of skill. They should first and foremost seek to remain neutral until all the facts are known. Both sides need to be heard. It is only when we extend dignity to each other by listening, and by speaking the truth in love, that we will start to see things as they really are. Both sides need to be kept accountable to this principle. We are much more likely to show control in the presence of those who can gently point out the need to do this. We also need to be aware that it is common for the one being accused to use the "best defense is attack" approach. Passive aggressive types can do this with a soft voice, adding insult to injury. The witness should be well aware of these possibilities, and nip them quickly in the bud should they appear. There are many things Satan would like to use to derail the process. We must be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
So then there are a multitude of reasons we give as to why the process of Matthew 18 should not be followed. Another is that well there are just too many complaints to be dealt with, or because “there is no possibility of reconciliation”. All of these reasons are excuses. We are called to be obedient, not to decide to obey or not to depending on our assessment of the success or not, of the outcome.
In our teaching on this passage that is so very very relevant to the spiritual health of our communities, we should, I believe, teach that it is likely that there are faults on both sides. The Scripture tell us "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbour comes and examines him" (Proverbs 18:17). We need to warn the one bringing the complaint, that the process is likely to reveal faults on both sides, and that it can back fire on him. In this way we will not trivialize the process, or use it as a means to get our own way. Our communities are not without those who are contentious. On the other hand, from my observation far too many churches have the unwritten but strongly enforced rules “don't think, don't speak, don't feel, don't act, don't rock the boat”. Too many of our “Christian” fellowships have the tendency to push problems under the rug, giving the impression of unity, but creating long term problems (see last day's post). These things do not make for genuine Christian community, they weaken it, making our fellowship superficial. The World will never see that “We are Christians by our love”, when we cover up differences as though they do not exist.
This last point is, in my observation, a big problem. The default is to become communities of conflict avoiders, denying even that there is anything to deal with. We live in a culture that is at least verbally hostile to the Christian faith, and we have become silent in the face of the tyranny of political correctness. Our defensiveness too easily spills over to the way we deal with each other. It takes courage to speak the truth both inside and outside the church. So we stick to what is safe, to what does not rock the boat, and our fellowships have the appearance, but not the reality of true Christian unity.
I find that those of us who name the name of Christ admit easily that we are sinners, but not that we sin, at least in specific ways. We do not hold each other accountable. It is so much easier to just 'let her slide by' – But our fellowships are impoverished because of it. When we are willing to settle for peace at any cost, we end up regarding those who would speak the truth as trouble makers. When this happens we loose the edge we are intended to have. When we will not even deal with the conflict within, we cease to be the salt and the light we are intended to be. When we will neither speak the truth in love, nor deal with what needs to be dealt with, we short cut the very process He provided for growth (Proverbs 27:17).
There are probably many other blocks, excuses and the like that we use to avoid putting this difficult teaching into practice. But we need to remember that Jesus condemned the Pharisees because with their human wisdom, they rendered the clear commandment of God null and void and of no effect (Mark 7:11-13 AMP). The question we need to ask ourselves is if, when we ignore, excuse or otherwise rationalize away this clear teaching of the Word of God, are not doing the very same thing with our oh so finite human wisdom?
Perhaps the level of importance of this teaching is seen in the fact that it is the second of just two passages in the gospels, where the word “church” is found on the lips of Jesus. Of course the church was not even in existence at the time. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that it if Jesus gave explicit instructions (while He still could) about how disputes are to be settled in the Church, then these teaching must be important. In fact both teachings are closely tied into His primary purpose in coming (Ephesians 1:9,10). The first occurrence of this word is to be found in Matthew 16:18, where He tells us about the foundation on which He will build His Church. It is the foundation of faith in Jesus Christ himself as the chief cornerstone (see also Ephesians 2:20). The teaching that faith in Christ is foundational has, of course, been widely embraced by the Church. On the other hand this second important teaching, that pertains to maintaining unity, and to the health of the body, has been largely ignored. We should pause to wonder why this should be so!
My own conclusion, is that it is simply too hard. It is in fact even harder than speaking the truth in love (see last day's post). This is because it essentially starts with the speaking the truth in love, but does not end with it. That is it too hard is of course an excuse, not a reason. We need to look at the text.
Matthew 18:15ff “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.
I am fond of pointing out that many times there are two different ways to get a Scriptural teaching wrong. Many times there are just two equal and opposite errors, I call them ditches alongside the highway of holiness. But with this foundational teaching, there are a multitude of ways to get it wrong. How can we fail Him? Let me count the ways!
The first is this: 'If your brother sins against you, treat him like a tax collector'. To do this, of course, is to completely short circuit the process. Matthew had been a tax collector himself, and he would know well just what that felt like to be a tax collector in ancient Israel. It would have been even worse than being a tax collector or even a preacher today! In our goal oriented society we cut quickly to the bottom line. But God is far more interested in the process. The process here will reveal the heart, and the heart of the matter is the heart (Proverbs 4:23). The second way to get it wrong is this: 'If your brother sins against you, tell it to the Church'. Its called gossip! Incidentally, one of the ways I can know if I need to go to my brother, is if I am feeling compelled to “tell it to the church”, that is if I need to tell others! When things are not dealt with, they tend to fester, and when they do, they will spill over into the church. There is a spirit behind these things, and it is not the Spirit of Christ! A third way to get it wrong is if the offended one is soon “touchy” and tends to make mountains out of molehills. What is interesting here, is that if this is my weakness, if I am constantly being picky, going to my brother over every little thing, then if in the end I am not willing to be shown my fault, then the process will likely end up with me being the one treated like a tax collector. What I am saying is that the process itself has checks and balances built into it!
A fourth way I can get it wrong, is for me to go to my brother with the wrong attitude, for example if I go with the attitude that “I need to get this brother kicked out of the church”. The primary purpose here is to “win your brother (sister)” (verse 15b). Here again the process will reveal this, and attitudes of judgementalism and unlove will, if dealt with Biblically, will be dealt with as the process unfolds. In our teaching on this passage, we need to point out that getting “one or two others” who I know will take my side, is contrary to intent of the passage, and this too can (and should when necessary) backfire on the one bringing the complaint.
Another way to get this wrong (I have lost count), is to fail to even start, or to start, but not follow through, in the process because in our mind, the offense is not serious enough to kick someone out of the church. There are two problems with this, the first is that it misunderstands the passage as saying it is the offense that is the grounds for treating the person “like a tax collector”. The passage however teaches that the reason for moving through each step of the process is the same for each step. It is not about the severity of the offense, but it is rather "if he will not hear". It is about about the refusal to be reconciled, the refusal to deal with what needs to be dealt with. Unity, and the quality of the fellowship is what is at stake here. The second problem is that it is wrong to prejudge the case before all the facts are in. The offended party may not even be able to fully articulate what is at the heart of the problem. There are many things that are hidden, and only the process can unearth the truth. This is the meaning of the phrase that 'every word may be established.’ One counsellor put it this way “In a dispute we each know about 10% of the truth". The process is intended to carefully “establish every word.” Not everything is as it might at first appear.
A big part of what the witnesses need to do, is to help the warring parties to hear each other. To do this properly requires a lot of skill. They should first and foremost seek to remain neutral until all the facts are known. Both sides need to be heard. It is only when we extend dignity to each other by listening, and by speaking the truth in love, that we will start to see things as they really are. Both sides need to be kept accountable to this principle. We are much more likely to show control in the presence of those who can gently point out the need to do this. We also need to be aware that it is common for the one being accused to use the "best defense is attack" approach. Passive aggressive types can do this with a soft voice, adding insult to injury. The witness should be well aware of these possibilities, and nip them quickly in the bud should they appear. There are many things Satan would like to use to derail the process. We must be as wise as serpents and harmless as doves.
So then there are a multitude of reasons we give as to why the process of Matthew 18 should not be followed. Another is that well there are just too many complaints to be dealt with, or because “there is no possibility of reconciliation”. All of these reasons are excuses. We are called to be obedient, not to decide to obey or not to depending on our assessment of the success or not, of the outcome.
In our teaching on this passage that is so very very relevant to the spiritual health of our communities, we should, I believe, teach that it is likely that there are faults on both sides. The Scripture tell us "The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbour comes and examines him" (Proverbs 18:17). We need to warn the one bringing the complaint, that the process is likely to reveal faults on both sides, and that it can back fire on him. In this way we will not trivialize the process, or use it as a means to get our own way. Our communities are not without those who are contentious. On the other hand, from my observation far too many churches have the unwritten but strongly enforced rules “don't think, don't speak, don't feel, don't act, don't rock the boat”. Too many of our “Christian” fellowships have the tendency to push problems under the rug, giving the impression of unity, but creating long term problems (see last day's post). These things do not make for genuine Christian community, they weaken it, making our fellowship superficial. The World will never see that “We are Christians by our love”, when we cover up differences as though they do not exist.
This last point is, in my observation, a big problem. The default is to become communities of conflict avoiders, denying even that there is anything to deal with. We live in a culture that is at least verbally hostile to the Christian faith, and we have become silent in the face of the tyranny of political correctness. Our defensiveness too easily spills over to the way we deal with each other. It takes courage to speak the truth both inside and outside the church. So we stick to what is safe, to what does not rock the boat, and our fellowships have the appearance, but not the reality of true Christian unity.
I find that those of us who name the name of Christ admit easily that we are sinners, but not that we sin, at least in specific ways. We do not hold each other accountable. It is so much easier to just 'let her slide by' – But our fellowships are impoverished because of it. When we are willing to settle for peace at any cost, we end up regarding those who would speak the truth as trouble makers. When this happens we loose the edge we are intended to have. When we will not even deal with the conflict within, we cease to be the salt and the light we are intended to be. When we will neither speak the truth in love, nor deal with what needs to be dealt with, we short cut the very process He provided for growth (Proverbs 27:17).
There are probably many other blocks, excuses and the like that we use to avoid putting this difficult teaching into practice. But we need to remember that Jesus condemned the Pharisees because with their human wisdom, they rendered the clear commandment of God null and void and of no effect (Mark 7:11-13 AMP). The question we need to ask ourselves is if, when we ignore, excuse or otherwise rationalize away this clear teaching of the Word of God, are not doing the very same thing with our oh so finite human wisdom?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Speaking the truth in love. Restoring desolations ... III.
Today's lesson is not recovery 101, and it may not be where you are in your journey, but at the very lest it is what we need to aim for. It requires more than a little maturity. Paul emphases this in the context of the passage alluded to above. In Ephesians 4:14 he says “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves …". Verse 15 reads “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ”.
Recovery does not take place outside of relationships. It is safe to say that in fact it only takes place within the context of relationships, as we (re-) negotiate our part in making them work. There are two common ways we make null and void the intention of verse 14 (to grow up in Him). The first way is to speak the truth, but not do it in love. Have you ever thought “I want to give him a piece of my mind”. 'No, no brother (sister), you you need every last bit of it' (your mind :) ). So we speak before we get our anger under control, and when we do that, we say too much, speaking things we can never take back. Or we say things in a way that cannot be heard. When we are speaking the truth in love, our primary goal is to make peace (Romans 12:18). Reconciliation should be our goal. It was God's central purpose in sending Christ (Ephesians 1:9,10). We can far too easily get caught up in the acid or bitterness (see January 27,31). This does not foster growth.
The second way to render this teaching null and void, is to say nothing when something needs to be said. Knowing when something needs to be said, requires discernment. Certainly there will be times when it is better to just leave it, or to leave it until an appropriate time. I find that journaling helps. How many letters have I written in this process of journaling, but not sent? The answer is many and in fact, the vast majority! We need to ask the Lord about the what, the when and the if.
Some people are just not ready to hear the truth, in which case we may need to wait for His timing to speak. Or we may still be too angry to be able to say what needs to be said in love. Another problem, especially when we are hurt and/or when we think of ourselves as a victims, is that we can make mountains out of molehills. Part of “growing up in Him” (i.e. maturity) is coming to the place where we know ourselves well enough to know when we are overreacting. Another part of maturity is coming to the place where we start to recognize that we may have been demanding too much from the other person, expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can supply. Far too often we operate out of our woundedness (see does victim status + political power = Justice – November 2010).
On the other hand, this teaching about speaking the truth in love, is very difficult for those of us who are chronic conflict avoiders. We can tell ourselves that it is virtue, to overlook an offense, and there are certainly times when this is true. However when with our silences we are in effect demanding that the other person overlook our offenses, our holding back can feel to them like punishing silences. In such cases holding back may have the appearance of virtue, but it may mask conflict avoidance or an unwillingness to hold the other person accountable, or in fact to be accountable ourselves. Those who attend such organizations as ALANON, learn about this as they discover that they have inadvertently been playing the role of “enablers”.
Sometimes what keeps us from saying what needs to be said is fear. It certainly takes courage to speak the truth in love. But when something really needs to be said, and it is not said, it has strong consequences for our relationships, for our feelings for the other person. What happens is that when things that need to be dealt are left or nursed, they fester building up reservoirs of frustration and resentment and disrespect in the one who remains silent. Feelings of love and positive regard are undermined, and over the long term, will destroys both love and respect completely. These things also rob us of the joys of reconciliation, and of taking our relationships to a deeper level. They rule out understanding and intimacy. They keep us trapped in isolation, and loneliness, and of course it is all their fault!
Part of the problem is that for some of us, we have had no positive experiences in the past of making up, of reconnecting after an argument. If we were raised in a home where nobody ever said sorry, we are not likely to be able to say sorry ourselves. Saying sorry is a pre-requisite for reconciliation, as its the realization that it takes two to tangle. There are always faults on both sides. Even when the other person is grossly at fault, we often need to apologize for our reaction to that fault (judgementalism, unforgiveness etc.). I have found it best to choose to believe that the other person is doing the best they can with the hand they have been dealt. If we approach each other Biblically (being willing to seriously consider that we ourselves are not perfect - Galatians 6:1), then speaking the truth in love gives us both an opportunity to grow. We may defensively erect high towing walls to keep the bad out. But such walls keep the good out too, and they keep the bad in, and they keep us stuck.
There is much teaching on this important subject. There are whole courses on “boundaries” which gives us relevant teaching which can help us to sort out monitor and change the words we use with others and ourselves too. I recommend the works of Cloud and Townsend, and their teaching on boundaries.
Recovery does not take place outside of relationships. It is safe to say that in fact it only takes place within the context of relationships, as we (re-) negotiate our part in making them work. There are two common ways we make null and void the intention of verse 14 (to grow up in Him). The first way is to speak the truth, but not do it in love. Have you ever thought “I want to give him a piece of my mind”. 'No, no brother (sister), you you need every last bit of it' (your mind :) ). So we speak before we get our anger under control, and when we do that, we say too much, speaking things we can never take back. Or we say things in a way that cannot be heard. When we are speaking the truth in love, our primary goal is to make peace (Romans 12:18). Reconciliation should be our goal. It was God's central purpose in sending Christ (Ephesians 1:9,10). We can far too easily get caught up in the acid or bitterness (see January 27,31). This does not foster growth.
The second way to render this teaching null and void, is to say nothing when something needs to be said. Knowing when something needs to be said, requires discernment. Certainly there will be times when it is better to just leave it, or to leave it until an appropriate time. I find that journaling helps. How many letters have I written in this process of journaling, but not sent? The answer is many and in fact, the vast majority! We need to ask the Lord about the what, the when and the if.
Some people are just not ready to hear the truth, in which case we may need to wait for His timing to speak. Or we may still be too angry to be able to say what needs to be said in love. Another problem, especially when we are hurt and/or when we think of ourselves as a victims, is that we can make mountains out of molehills. Part of “growing up in Him” (i.e. maturity) is coming to the place where we know ourselves well enough to know when we are overreacting. Another part of maturity is coming to the place where we start to recognize that we may have been demanding too much from the other person, expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can supply. Far too often we operate out of our woundedness (see does victim status + political power = Justice – November 2010).
On the other hand, this teaching about speaking the truth in love, is very difficult for those of us who are chronic conflict avoiders. We can tell ourselves that it is virtue, to overlook an offense, and there are certainly times when this is true. However when with our silences we are in effect demanding that the other person overlook our offenses, our holding back can feel to them like punishing silences. In such cases holding back may have the appearance of virtue, but it may mask conflict avoidance or an unwillingness to hold the other person accountable, or in fact to be accountable ourselves. Those who attend such organizations as ALANON, learn about this as they discover that they have inadvertently been playing the role of “enablers”.
Sometimes what keeps us from saying what needs to be said is fear. It certainly takes courage to speak the truth in love. But when something really needs to be said, and it is not said, it has strong consequences for our relationships, for our feelings for the other person. What happens is that when things that need to be dealt are left or nursed, they fester building up reservoirs of frustration and resentment and disrespect in the one who remains silent. Feelings of love and positive regard are undermined, and over the long term, will destroys both love and respect completely. These things also rob us of the joys of reconciliation, and of taking our relationships to a deeper level. They rule out understanding and intimacy. They keep us trapped in isolation, and loneliness, and of course it is all their fault!
Part of the problem is that for some of us, we have had no positive experiences in the past of making up, of reconnecting after an argument. If we were raised in a home where nobody ever said sorry, we are not likely to be able to say sorry ourselves. Saying sorry is a pre-requisite for reconciliation, as its the realization that it takes two to tangle. There are always faults on both sides. Even when the other person is grossly at fault, we often need to apologize for our reaction to that fault (judgementalism, unforgiveness etc.). I have found it best to choose to believe that the other person is doing the best they can with the hand they have been dealt. If we approach each other Biblically (being willing to seriously consider that we ourselves are not perfect - Galatians 6:1), then speaking the truth in love gives us both an opportunity to grow. We may defensively erect high towing walls to keep the bad out. But such walls keep the good out too, and they keep the bad in, and they keep us stuck.
There is much teaching on this important subject. There are whole courses on “boundaries” which gives us relevant teaching which can help us to sort out monitor and change the words we use with others and ourselves too. I recommend the works of Cloud and Townsend, and their teaching on boundaries.
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