Godly sorrow, repentance and joy, or worldly sorrow and death.

I was saying last day that there are three ways of dealings with our guilt, but only one is effective (to be forgiven). There is book I own but have never fully read. In a sense I don't need to because the title says it all “Repentance, the joy filled life.” It kind of works like this: If you can think of a happily married couple who have learned to fight fair (not too much, not too little, and always with respect). Then one day they face the biggest challenge of their marriage, and for several days are at loggerheads not knowing even if the marriage will survive. Then on the sixth day, they both have a breakthrough where they suddenly both see point of view of the other person, see that they were both wrong, and in the seeing are sorry for their part in it all. They weep in each other's arms and truly mean that they will try harder. All this leads to reconciliation and joy. Nobody likes fighting (well most don't), but when you fight fair and are able to admit your faults, making up is wonderful, it brings such joy!

So where am I going with this? It seems to me that this kind of making up is the closest we can come on earth to give us a picture of the joy that reconciliation of the sinner with God brings to both God and the sinner. The full text of the verse in the title of the post is “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Corinthians 7:10). The picture of the sorrow of the married couple just before making up is perhaps the closest we can come to on earth to the “godly sorrow that leads to repentance.” And (again with the couple) when this is two sided, there are indeed no regrets. The renewed fellowship is a cause for rejoicing, and the mended relationship is something that both sides want to maintain and to grow. Without this mutual submission and confession, there is too often a kind of death, firstly of the relationship but secondly the acrimony of separation and divorce with its pain is a kind of living death.

We can learn a lot from the best relationships on earth, about what our relationship with God can be like! Of course God does not need to repent (say sorry to us), but it is as I say the closest we can come to illustrating it by earthly relationships. And in fact there is Scriptural warrant for using marriage as an illustration in this way. In Ephesians 5:25-32, in his instructions to married couples Paul compares the marriage relationship to that of Christ and the Church, and describes it as a great mystery. Furthermore, the Christian is described (individually and corporately) as the bride of Christ (i.e. Revelation 19:7, 21:9; 22:17). What I am saying is that the Lord Himself has it in mind that the best marriages be a picture of what our relationship with Him can be, and is intended to be, like. And then some!

So then let's take the analogy further. If they are wise, our ideal couple after having experienced the joy of reconciliation, will learn to keep short accounts with each other. That is with this positive experience behind them, they will no longer immediately blame each other the next time things go wrong. Rather they will be willing to openly and honestly ask in a heart felt way “is this me,” and “where am I to blame?” In an actual couple I know the female of the species told me not that long ago “I did not realize, until I got married, how selfish I am.” There is much hope for a long and happy marriage for this couple (for I happen to know that it's not just she who has this willingness to be shown they are wrong).

And is this willingness to be shown to be wrong oppressive? Is it a good thing or a bad one? With this real life couple I am describing it is good. In fact it is a delight to watch them grow in and through just simply living all of this out. It would not be good if one of them was not willing to be shown when and where they are wrong, or having been shown where they are wrong, were not willing to work on putting right the wrong done, or not willing to change in the future. It could also be oppressive if one took advantage of the other, or held grudges or sought revenge rather than reconciliation and peace. But as I say, it is not like this with the couple I am describing, and it is very freeing for both of them. As the relationship continues to grow they have a growing confidence that what is spoken will be spoken in love (or when it is not, that an apology will be forthcoming). They are also confident they will be heard, and that what is heard will be carefully (and prayerfully) considered to see if what is being said is true. They are also ready and willing to change where their actions or attitudes or expressions brought the other one pain. They are willing to do this because of the joy of intimacy and the pain of being at loggerheads (the carrots and the sticks of relationships). They allow the process of living, communicating and (when necessary) fighting (fair) – to enhance the relationship, and it does. When difficulties come they work through them. And difficulties do and will always come, as this or that circumstance reveals yet one more thing that has not been dealt with (or not dealt with sufficiently). The process is a refining process (Proverbs 27:17), where they are learning be kind and compassionate with each other, and gentle and considerate and respectful, not snaky and not with belittling put downs. In this way they are becoming more and more confident that over time things will indeed be dealt with, and confident that there will always be a successful and even joyful, conclusion to any and all conflict. It is (again as I say) delightful to watch.

There are five components that I see that drive the beauty of such relationships, and that I believe can help us to move deeper into the type of intimacy I am describing both with God and each other. I will describe them first in terms of our earthly relationships. The first component is communication. It is a major problem in many relationships as we conflict avoid, putting certain topics off limit, and/or shutting them down when they become difficult, or feel threatening or make us angry. However when these things are worked through in the way described above, they become the glue of a deeper bonding. The second component that I see is the willingness to be be shown our faults, and being shown admit them, willing to make the appropriate changes. These things are essential to intimacy. The command to confess our faults one to another and to pray for one another comes with a promise – that we will be healed (James 5:16). It is the exact opposite of what so often seems to happen at the break up of a marriage where each one confesses the other one's faults, laying 100% of the blame on the other party.

The third essential component is a willingness to be open vulnerable and transparent with each other. In a truly successful marriage (as opposed to one that simply survives) there can be no secrets, no hidden skeletons in the closet. Such things drive us towards shame, fear and control. It seems to work like this, shame and fear of discovery leads us to put up walls of control to keep the shame and the secrets secure. Of course you would need to know that your partner is safe, before you open yourself up in the way I am suggesting. All of this requires the fourth ingredient that is the trust that builds up over time when energy and effort and both parties work at the relationship. In particular, because trust is earned, it might take some time to achieve. And taking the time to discovering if one's partner is safe (and.or to train each other in this way), is a very good reason not to rush into marriage. This too is hard in our instant society! Finally there is the passion for intimacy with each other. Nobody wants a limp lover!

So much for earthly relationships. There are both similarities and differences with our relationship with God. I want to start off by saying clearly that just as the mutual submission, love respect and transparency of the best earthly relationships is not oppressive, so neither, when we come to Him in the teachability of a little child, is our relationship with God. As with the ideal couple it is incredibly freeing (John 8:31), and this in my own experience of Him! On the other hand, perhaps the most significant difference is that we know that His side is always loving and always true. But let's look at how the five components mentioned above, work out in terms of our relationship with Him. Firstly then communication, it is intended to be two way. Prayer of course is our way of speaking with God, but we are also intended to hear from Him. The first and perhaps clearest way that He speaks to us is in and through His Word. He also speaks to us in and through others, but most wonderful of all, there is the still small voice of God (1 Kings 19:12,13). Jesus tells us clearly “my sheep know my voice” (John 10:47). Being His sheep has to do with following Him. There is much to say about these things (see for example “You hear from God? And fairies too right?” September 2010).

Secondly is the willingness to be be shown and to admit our faults, and to do something about them. As with earthly relationships our willingness to allow God to lead us into all truth is essential to intimacy with Him. Also as in earthly relationships, the idea is not to be weighed down with guilt. On the contrary it has to do with walking humbly in the assurance that though we are incomplete we are nevertheless loved, accepted, and encouraged to grow. The third essential component is a willingness to be transparent with God, He has given everything to make relationship possible at incredible cost to Himself. Surely the least we can do is to be honest with Him, with ourselves and to keep short accounts with Him. As Adam and Eve found out in the garden, you can't hide from Him anyway, and there is coming a day when all will be exposed (Mark 4:22). Surly it is better to get things out into the open at least with Him, that way they can be dealt with, and anything that needs to be forgiven, forgiven. Next comes the fourth component, the fact that all of this requires time and energy and effort for trust to build. God is of course entirely trustworthy, but we may not feel this as there are many things that happen in life that we neither like nor understand. It can take time to learn to stop fighting the people and circumstances that God allows in our lives to refine us. Finally there is the passion for God. He is not impressed by apathy (Revelation 3:15-19). The Great Commandment is that we should love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). He wants us to be as long term passionate about Him, as He is about us. He loves us with an everlasting love, and He sent His Son to make it all possible. He is worth it all, He is!

I hear someone saying “If it's all so wonderful Phil, what is the sorrow part of the post all about?” Well, it's about how we enter in, and keep moving ahead when we fail. As with the illustration of the couple the deeper intimacy comes only after the struggle brought about simply by living, so often only in encountering the pain and the sorrow of living in this fallen world, do we see our part in it all, and our need to change. The sorrows of life are indeed a kind of living death, and we stay in that death when we refuse to come to Him for restoration comfort and rest (Matthew 11:00; 2 Corinthians 1:3,4). The godly sorrow that brings life and joy comes through repentance, turning, and finding forgiveness for our own part in it all. And we choose. What do you want, godly sorrow, repentance and joy, or worldly sorrow and death? As for me, I choose life!