You are the only one you can change! Mmm!

There is much wisdom in this secular saying. How many of us have tried to change others, our spouse, our children, those in our sphere of influence. And when it is not working how often do we redouble our efforts becoming manipulative or bullying, with fits of anger or with sullen punishing silences? We may bully them into submission in this way, but we do not really change them, and all of this takes a toll on relationships, breeding resentment, fear, anger and the like. It is not the stuff of intimacy or warm fuzzy feelings! I will come back to this below, but what I want to say here is that there is indeed wisdom in the advice that suggests we let go, stop trying to manipulate others into doing and being what we think is best for them and for us!

On the other hand, there is a way that we can and do change others. We can, it seems, very easily change people for the worse. As I just pointed out our bullying can increase the resentment and the fear. But most of us want to change others for the better (or at least to make life easier for ourselves!). Another difficulty with the saying concerns our ability to even change ourselves. The first step in any of the 12 step programs has to do with admitting to ourselves and others areas where we are definitely not in control, our addictions for example, or our hurts, habits and hang ups.

I am not saying that we cannot change, what I am saying is that most of us (those not in denial) need help to change even ourselves. Secular self help can give insight into how we got into the messes we get ourselves into, and it can help us to see where we need to change, but it does little to facilitate such change. In secular self help it's all up to us, and this is where secular self help comes up short, and where, when we let Him, we can receive much help from God. I am very much aware for my own part how even my desires need to change, because I often want things I know are not good for me. But how do you change your wants? Well, the Scriptures promise us that when we fully submit to and cooperate with Him, in ongoing relationship with Him and His Word, then He is actively at work in us both to change our desires and to give us the wherewithal to do what is good and right and proper (Philippians 2:12,13). This is part of the good news of the gospel.

The other aspect of faith that helps with this saying concerns the truth of the gospel. Within the ongoing relationship with God we come to know more and more that it is all true. We come increasingly to know the truth and the truth increasingly sets us free (John 8:32). Even the secular version requires faith. The problem with the secular version is “faith in what?” In one self help book I read “We can trust that life is a gentle teacher.” Really? My experience of life has more to do with the school of hard knocks! On the other hand, within the faith community as we get to know and trust the God of all truth we put our trust in Him and in His promises. For example we trust that, even though we may not immediately see how this works we do see, with the eyes of faith, that He is actively at work for good, even in the evil that befall us (Romans 8:28).

The truth is even more powerful, because when we let go and stop trying to manipulate the other person to change (often in a way that may not be helpful) then we free God up to work in the other person. That is part of the Romans promise. To put this negatively You are the only one, ultimately, who can get in God's way of working in that persons life. As with children when one child tries to take over from the parent, the parent finishes up dealing with the interference rather than the problem that provoked it all. So let go and let God change both them and you.