Shame's prison: I was naked, I was afraid, I hid

In their handbook “Restoring the Foundations,” Chester and Betsy Kylstra describe shame's prison as a vicious cycle as follows: Shame says “I am a mistake, I am flawed,  I am bad,  I am ashamed,  I am defective” (I am naked). Fear says “What if they find out? They will not like me! They will reject me!” (I was afraid). Control says “Therefore I will control everything,  so they won’t find out what I’m really like, and I won't get hurt or suffer pain” (I hide myself). Control then cycles back to shame.  Shame flourishes and grows in isolation, we are only as sick as our secrets, it's a prison of our own making.

Shame will not go away on it's own.  And someone trapped in this  vicious cycle is likely to seek out places where they don't ask too many questions. Shame based systems are formed. There are shame based families,  and even shame based churches. These vicious cycles can be broken, but not easily, and it takes great courage. It usually starts by an individual gradually coming out of hiding in a safe place. This can be a therapist, a counsellor or a friend. It seems to work best in the fellowship of those who are also coming out of hiding, in particular in twelve-step-programs. There is safety in the anonymity and confidentiality to be found there, and those with the same problem are unlikely to judge or reject you.

Twelve-step-program are genius level,  and in fact Biblically inspired.  They work best when my higher power, the god of my understanding (step 3),  is the God of the Bible.  When He is our higher power,  have available to us  all the principles and promises of the Word, and the power of the One who brought order out of chaos (the Holy Spirit - Genesis 1:2).

Step 5 is  we “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  And whether we want to admit it or not, we all fail in many things. We don't even live up to our on standards, let alone God's (James 3:2; Romans 7:18). Adam  blamed Eve (3:12), showing he was not ready to even start this step.   He was not ready to admit his wrong either to God or to himself, and of course admitting,  saying sorry and asking for forgiveness can also be miles apart! But the restoration of any relationship start with  these things. Bringing the Kingdom to relationships, requires the same openness and vulnerability Adam and Eve had before the fall (Genesis 2:25).  It's what we need to aim for in the closet of all relationships,  namely marriage. It's a process. It won't happen over night, and not until we are willing to confess our faults one to another. This is the very opposite of blame, and it's the path to healing  (James 5:16).

Lord Jesus we can't enter into fullness of life without You.  But one of the reasons You came,  was to heal the broken hearted,  and to set prisoners free, especially from prisons of our own making (Luke 4:18). Thank you for Your promise that if we continue in Your Word,  obeying it, putting it into practise,  and  trusting You for the outcome,  then we will know the truth,  and the truth will progressively set us free (John 8:31, 32). Help us to find (or create) safe places Lord,  and then give us the courage to come out of hiding, in Your precious Name Amen