There is a lovely story that I think is highly relevant to this search for community that is real. It is found in John chapter eight, the woman caught in the very act of adultery. Old Testament law prescribed that she be stoned to death, and they brought her to Him in order to test Him. I think she was set up, I mean where was the man? Last time I checked it takes two. But I digress.
Jesus is amazing. He tells them “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, and they leave from the oldest to the youngest. When they had left He asked her “Where are those who would condemn you”. She answers that there are none. Jesus tells her “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”.
There are many things to say about this wonderful incident, but the point I want to make here is that in the presence of Jesus, the Pharisees (hypocrites) either leave or are changed. When He is there in His fullness hypocrites are just not comfortable. I am afraid that this says a lot about how present He is in many of our Churches. As in the days of old (in the Temple), there are things that will cause Him to withdraw, or at the very least diminish, His presence among us. We can after all quench His Spirit, and it behoves us to learn what those things are, and to change them.
He has promised that when two or three meet together in His name, He is there in the midst. But He will not come in his fullness where He is not truly welcome. Meeting in His name, like asking in prayer in His name, is not intended to be a casual thing. It is much much more than going through the motions, mouthing the words. We cannot play church and expect Him to show up tangible ways. For example, we sing Hymns and Worship choruses, but do we truly worship Him? When was the last time you or I were, with the Hymn writer “lost in wonder love and praise”? Many of us are unrestrained in our worship of hockey, baseball or movie stars, but how unrestrained are we in our worship of the Lord? And who is worth more? That is not to say that everyone must express their worship of God in an unrestrained way in the here and now. But I can tell you this, our worship in heaven will not be restrained. You only have to read the book of Revelation! And you think hockey is exciting!
His Word tells us that He inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3 KJV), and that the Father seeks those who will worship Him in Spirit and in truth (John 4:23). And there is the rub. We cannot continue to wear masks and/or refuse to deal with our sin, and still expect Him to show up in any real and tangible way! We do not have to be perfect, but like the woman in the story, we must, if we want to stay in His presence, be willing to deal with, and turn from, our sin. Jesus makes it clear that the despised, the tax collectors and sinners of His day, would enter the Kingdom before the Pharisees. Is it any different with the Pharisees of our day? I think not! After all, Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever. He came to call sinners to repentance, and we find Him in the fellowship of the forgiven, not in the fellowship of the (self) righteous. Being forgiven is where it starts, but not where it ends.
As a young, innocent and even naive teenage, I used to dream of being smothered by the kisses of a certain gorgeous young thing, as I lay back saying “you may proceed (to love me)”. In my innocence and naivety while I was (in my dream) the recipient of her kisses, it did not occur to me that she might want my kisses too (I did say naive and innocent – it was a different age). I came to realize how repugnant this would have been for her, me being a limp lover, for her about as exciting as kissing a wet sponge. The point I am making is that God does not want limp lovers either. We are to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. This is how He loves us. Look at what He paid to buy us back from slavery to sin. He wants to pour out His love in tangible ways, and He will more than match and delight us with His presence when we start to love, serve and worship Him as He deserves. When we do this, we start to discover with Abraham, that He is our exceedingly great reward (Genesis 15:1). Why else would more and more people all over this wicked and hurting world die for their faith rather than give it up (see http://www.persecution.com/).
We need to ask ourselves, “Is what I have (what we have as a Church) worth dying for? It has been said that if we don't have something in our lives worth dying for, we do not have anything worth living for. Have you ever asked “Is this all there is?” Am I satisfied to live a life of quiet desperation that is said to be the lot of most of us? Jesus said “I am come that you might have life in all its fullness”. The World tells us we are deluded. Either they are right, or there is so very much more than most us have. There is more, there is always more. I have had glimpses of what it can be, but I know with a certainty I cannot explain, that we have barely scratched the surface, even in such glimpses.
I pray, and I invite you to pray “Lord take away my sin, my shame, my pride, my apathy, and my willingness to live with mediocrity. Give me a passion for Yourself that is worthy of who You are, and what You have done” (Revelation 5:12). When we enter into this we find a place that is truly safe, because together we find our refuge and our strength and our safety in Him. No one can pluck us out of His hand.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Finding a safe place, a place to be real, a place to heal.
I said in the last post that I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships. But what is safe, can be in the eye of the beholder. For some, a safe place is one in which we are allowed to hide who we are, where nobody asks awkward questions. In such places openness is frowned upon as drawing attention to oneself. And lets face it, there are certainly those who flaunt their sin and rebellion. This is not what I am talking about. But where is the line that separates genuine humility and openness from flaunting exhibitionism, and what is it that makes a person a flaunting exhibitionist in the first place? These are important questions. Statistics indicate that many, if not most, prostitutes have histories of sexual abuse. Perhaps their shamelessness is simply a way of dealing with overwhelming and debilitating shame. Perhaps the shamelessness of the Pharisee (October 4th post) is also a way of dealing with the same thing? Well yes, he hides it well, but don't we all wear masks at some level?
At a crucial time in my journey, yet another book was put into my hand. Actually it was a phrase from a book I was flipping through. The phrase (due to John Bradshaw) is this “If in a relationship one is open and the other covered, then both finish up violating each other”. I understood well how the open one is violated. Perhaps you do too, when in your attempt to be open and honest you were rejected and judged, and your confessions came back to you as accusations.
What I did not understand though, until I thought and prayed about it, is how the covered one is violated. As usual the insight came through the Bible. You see before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. After the fall they hid (Genesis 3). Before they made poor choices nakedness (openness and transparency) was normal and natural. Suddenly it became necessary to hide. In a world where people make poor choices, we somehow or other have to deal with hidden agendas, manipulation, control, judgmentalism, rejection and the like. I started to see that openness invites (or even demands) openness. But if we are frightened to death of being discovered, the “invitation” to be open can be received as an unwelcome pressure. It is a little bit like Adam trying to peek behind Eve's fig leaves. It feels a bit like the spiritual equivalent of sexual harassment. No wonder we hide. How could it be otherwise? I started to see why my openness was being regarded as shamelessness. Well attack is the best form of defence right? But I am called to an openness which (some may find hard to believe) that even I find scarey at times. Why would He do that, call people to openness? Well the Bible has the answer to that too.
There is one verse that kind of sums it all up for me. It says “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed” (James 5: 16). It has to start somewhere. As I said earlier, when we are open and honest and transparent with one another, we discover that we are much more alike than we realize. I have been saying it a lot recently “in many things we all fail”, note "many things” not just a few, and no exceptions, not me, not you. When we confess to God, we are forgiven. When we find a safe place where there is unconditional acceptance, where we will not be judged when we confess to one another, then we are healed. This is a big part of the success of 12 step programs.
I have discovered though that confession, if it is not a two way street (i.e. one to another), is not safe. Actually if we do not confess our faults one to another we are likely to confess one another's faults (accusation), and this is not quite so healing (British understatement). Of course there will be times, even in genuine community, when there will be a need to go to the other person in humility and “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). When we fail to do either of the above, it is more than likely that we will tell others outside the relationship. That spreads the dirt, involves others in the problem, and invites them to take sides. Perhaps the two greatest destroyers of community are first of all gossip (and lets face it, gossip is all about telling the other brother), and second of all, the breaking of confidentiality. No community is safe where these two sins are allowed to go unchecked.
But what if there was a place where you were loved and accepted unconditionally, where your faults and weakness and shame were met with understanding and genuine sympathy, where people came along side you when you were hurting, even when it was your own fault? What if there was a place where every positive step was met with encouragement, where people helped you get up when you were down, where your confession was met not only with others saying they had the same problem, but that they were glad you shared because it helped them to get things off their chest? What if you discovered that a place like this is a place of healing and of encouragement to be all that you can be? What if you discovered that in such a place people liked you exactly as you are, warts and all?
Some would tell me “You are dreaming Phil, places like that do not exist”. But actually they do. When it is working properly (and in places it does), AA is such a place, as is ALANON. The Church is supposed to be like this. It is admittedly rare in North America (at least from what I have seen), but it does exist. In fact it is an essential part of what true Christian community is all about. We read about it in the early chapters of Acts. It is meant to provoke us to find it, or help create it when we don't. The Good Book tells us how, with God's help to make it happen, to find healing in openness and transparency. If, as I say, we cannot find it, then we need to create it. In last day's post I shared a primary goal in this latter stage of my life. I am more and more convinced that this can only be fully realized in the sort of community I am beginning to describe here. So finding/creating such a community is a major component of my goals in these last days. To what extent am I being successful? Well that is not for me to say. What is for me to say, is that I am determined, that I will with God's help either find it/create it, or die trying. More to come.
At a crucial time in my journey, yet another book was put into my hand. Actually it was a phrase from a book I was flipping through. The phrase (due to John Bradshaw) is this “If in a relationship one is open and the other covered, then both finish up violating each other”. I understood well how the open one is violated. Perhaps you do too, when in your attempt to be open and honest you were rejected and judged, and your confessions came back to you as accusations.
What I did not understand though, until I thought and prayed about it, is how the covered one is violated. As usual the insight came through the Bible. You see before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. After the fall they hid (Genesis 3). Before they made poor choices nakedness (openness and transparency) was normal and natural. Suddenly it became necessary to hide. In a world where people make poor choices, we somehow or other have to deal with hidden agendas, manipulation, control, judgmentalism, rejection and the like. I started to see that openness invites (or even demands) openness. But if we are frightened to death of being discovered, the “invitation” to be open can be received as an unwelcome pressure. It is a little bit like Adam trying to peek behind Eve's fig leaves. It feels a bit like the spiritual equivalent of sexual harassment. No wonder we hide. How could it be otherwise? I started to see why my openness was being regarded as shamelessness. Well attack is the best form of defence right? But I am called to an openness which (some may find hard to believe) that even I find scarey at times. Why would He do that, call people to openness? Well the Bible has the answer to that too.
There is one verse that kind of sums it all up for me. It says “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed” (James 5: 16). It has to start somewhere. As I said earlier, when we are open and honest and transparent with one another, we discover that we are much more alike than we realize. I have been saying it a lot recently “in many things we all fail”, note "many things” not just a few, and no exceptions, not me, not you. When we confess to God, we are forgiven. When we find a safe place where there is unconditional acceptance, where we will not be judged when we confess to one another, then we are healed. This is a big part of the success of 12 step programs.
I have discovered though that confession, if it is not a two way street (i.e. one to another), is not safe. Actually if we do not confess our faults one to another we are likely to confess one another's faults (accusation), and this is not quite so healing (British understatement). Of course there will be times, even in genuine community, when there will be a need to go to the other person in humility and “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). When we fail to do either of the above, it is more than likely that we will tell others outside the relationship. That spreads the dirt, involves others in the problem, and invites them to take sides. Perhaps the two greatest destroyers of community are first of all gossip (and lets face it, gossip is all about telling the other brother), and second of all, the breaking of confidentiality. No community is safe where these two sins are allowed to go unchecked.
But what if there was a place where you were loved and accepted unconditionally, where your faults and weakness and shame were met with understanding and genuine sympathy, where people came along side you when you were hurting, even when it was your own fault? What if there was a place where every positive step was met with encouragement, where people helped you get up when you were down, where your confession was met not only with others saying they had the same problem, but that they were glad you shared because it helped them to get things off their chest? What if you discovered that a place like this is a place of healing and of encouragement to be all that you can be? What if you discovered that in such a place people liked you exactly as you are, warts and all?
Some would tell me “You are dreaming Phil, places like that do not exist”. But actually they do. When it is working properly (and in places it does), AA is such a place, as is ALANON. The Church is supposed to be like this. It is admittedly rare in North America (at least from what I have seen), but it does exist. In fact it is an essential part of what true Christian community is all about. We read about it in the early chapters of Acts. It is meant to provoke us to find it, or help create it when we don't. The Good Book tells us how, with God's help to make it happen, to find healing in openness and transparency. If, as I say, we cannot find it, then we need to create it. In last day's post I shared a primary goal in this latter stage of my life. I am more and more convinced that this can only be fully realized in the sort of community I am beginning to describe here. So finding/creating such a community is a major component of my goals in these last days. To what extent am I being successful? Well that is not for me to say. What is for me to say, is that I am determined, that I will with God's help either find it/create it, or die trying. More to come.
Friday, October 8, 2010
If you don't pay attention to reality, it will bite you in the rear end.
The story is told of the little boy who admiring his daddy's wisdom asked him how he got to be so wise. “Experience” his father replied. This was followed by the inquiry as to where he got the experience, to which his father replied “I made a lot of mistakes”. There is a least one place where I could easily be that father. I certainly made a lot of mistakes. Did I learn from the school of hard knocks? I like to think that I did. But I have observed that while we all make mistakes, and we all suffer from the mistakes we make, we don't all seem to learn from them. Some of us are our own worst enemies.
The people who go through broken marriages, for example, seem to fall into one of two categories:- those who learn nothing from the experience, and those who change radically. I have seen this over and over. It is common, especially in the beginning, for both sides to lay 100% of the blame the other party. I am sure it happens a lot outside of broken marriages too, but it may not be so open for all to see. The problem though, is that if we don't take our share of the responsibility, we are likely to make the same mistakes over and over, and what is worse, our children are in danger (knowingly or unknowingly) of following our example (see “I will never be like my father, never”).
Psychology has noted that more often than not, the neglected become the neglectors, and the abused become the abusers. Less startling perhaps is that if we did not respect our parents we are not likely to respect our spouse, and our children are not likely to respect us. If we rebelled and did not repent, we set in motion an influence, a pressure that operates negatively in the lives of our children to follow suit (see August post “The Sins of the Fathers ...”). This business of blaming others for everything, of not not taking our share of the responsibility for our responses and for our own problems and difficulties, is widespread. Sure there are faults on the other side, and sure they need to accept their part of the blame, but things will not change with me, until I am willing to take ownership of my difficulties. It is not only the alcoholic who needs to make fearless moral inventories of his or her life (step 4 of 12 step programs). I am the only one I can change. Many have tried to change others, it does not work, trust me!
There are always both good and bad things that get passed down from our parents and grand parents. Sometimes we don't see the good, and sometimes we don't see the bad. Sometimes we are not allowed to see the bad (see last day's post). Even when we see it, we very often don't take sufficient notice of it to prevent it being passed onto the next generation. In such (and many other cases) if we do not take sufficient account of reality, it will come back to haunt us.
A primary goal for me, in the latter part of my life, is to fully engage in the ongoing process of embracing the good, and stopping my own and my inherited dysfunctions in their tracks. And, as much as they will listen, to show others the path, the ongoing growing/healing process that produces positive fruit in life. It started with my learning from the school of hard knocks that when I do not pay attention to reality, it comes and bites me in the rear end. I came to realize that God has fashioned reality as a tool to bring us back to Himself (see “A cursed earth ...”). On the other hand experience has also taught me that following His way, His Wisdom, His Word and His Spirit brings life and wholeness. One way or the other, we leave a heritage to our children and to those with whom we have influence. I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships, and love joy peace and humility in life. I have not by any means arrived, but I have been bitten in the rear end too many times not to pay attention to the lessons that life is trying to teach me. There is a recovery saying that makes a lot of sense to me. It is this “We will not change until the fear and pain of not changing becomes more than the pain and fear of change”. Life – reality – the laws and principles God put in place in the universe – these things are speaking to us, teaching us to turn and to repent, to come home to the lover and guardian of our souls, to the one who will guide us into all truth freedom and abundance of life. The question is are we listening, or are we like Adam and Eve still placing all the blame on others for the persistent gnawing in our hind quarters. We need to examine ourselves, our own part in it all. This is God's way, and following God's ways is not only good and right and proper, it is wise!
The people who go through broken marriages, for example, seem to fall into one of two categories:- those who learn nothing from the experience, and those who change radically. I have seen this over and over. It is common, especially in the beginning, for both sides to lay 100% of the blame the other party. I am sure it happens a lot outside of broken marriages too, but it may not be so open for all to see. The problem though, is that if we don't take our share of the responsibility, we are likely to make the same mistakes over and over, and what is worse, our children are in danger (knowingly or unknowingly) of following our example (see “I will never be like my father, never”).
Psychology has noted that more often than not, the neglected become the neglectors, and the abused become the abusers. Less startling perhaps is that if we did not respect our parents we are not likely to respect our spouse, and our children are not likely to respect us. If we rebelled and did not repent, we set in motion an influence, a pressure that operates negatively in the lives of our children to follow suit (see August post “The Sins of the Fathers ...”). This business of blaming others for everything, of not not taking our share of the responsibility for our responses and for our own problems and difficulties, is widespread. Sure there are faults on the other side, and sure they need to accept their part of the blame, but things will not change with me, until I am willing to take ownership of my difficulties. It is not only the alcoholic who needs to make fearless moral inventories of his or her life (step 4 of 12 step programs). I am the only one I can change. Many have tried to change others, it does not work, trust me!
There are always both good and bad things that get passed down from our parents and grand parents. Sometimes we don't see the good, and sometimes we don't see the bad. Sometimes we are not allowed to see the bad (see last day's post). Even when we see it, we very often don't take sufficient notice of it to prevent it being passed onto the next generation. In such (and many other cases) if we do not take sufficient account of reality, it will come back to haunt us.
A primary goal for me, in the latter part of my life, is to fully engage in the ongoing process of embracing the good, and stopping my own and my inherited dysfunctions in their tracks. And, as much as they will listen, to show others the path, the ongoing growing/healing process that produces positive fruit in life. It started with my learning from the school of hard knocks that when I do not pay attention to reality, it comes and bites me in the rear end. I came to realize that God has fashioned reality as a tool to bring us back to Himself (see “A cursed earth ...”). On the other hand experience has also taught me that following His way, His Wisdom, His Word and His Spirit brings life and wholeness. One way or the other, we leave a heritage to our children and to those with whom we have influence. I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships, and love joy peace and humility in life. I have not by any means arrived, but I have been bitten in the rear end too many times not to pay attention to the lessons that life is trying to teach me. There is a recovery saying that makes a lot of sense to me. It is this “We will not change until the fear and pain of not changing becomes more than the pain and fear of change”. Life – reality – the laws and principles God put in place in the universe – these things are speaking to us, teaching us to turn and to repent, to come home to the lover and guardian of our souls, to the one who will guide us into all truth freedom and abundance of life. The question is are we listening, or are we like Adam and Eve still placing all the blame on others for the persistent gnawing in our hind quarters. We need to examine ourselves, our own part in it all. This is God's way, and following God's ways is not only good and right and proper, it is wise!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Most parents teach their children that what they teach them is the truth even when it is a lie ..
Most parents (teachers/professors/authority figures/politicians/people) tell their children (hearers), that what they tell them is the truth, even when it is a lie, and they are not allowed to know that it is a lie, and they are not allowed to know they are not allowed to know (I call it proof by intimidation).
Not all professors require you to mindlessly mimic their opinion on the exam, but far too many do. And the fact that they have the power to withhold your A, puts incredible pressure on you to conform. These things work “best” where one party has some level of power over the other one (as for example in parent child relationships). The phenomenon I am talking about is so widespread, that most of us wander round in kind of a semi- hypnotic trance. If you wake up, you had better be careful who you tell, because those who love you the most are likely to punish you the most, because they bless them are asleep.
Let me quickly say something that (hopefully) will avoid my being misunderstood here. It is fashionable to blame our parents for everything. But fashions do not always tell the whole story. No parent is perfect, but then neither are their offspring. Your parents parents were not perfect either, and your parents likely inherited a lot of garbage they were not equipped to handle (see "The sins of the Fathers ..." ). If your parents are typical, and their parents are typical, they did their very best. When we are hurting, we don't usually see this. But we all have to deal with the effects on us, of the sins and ignorance of others. Our parents did and we do. We need to play the hand we are dealt. As adults we are not helpless victims. We all need to take responsibility for our reactions to the sins of others and for our own sins. There is much to say about this. What I want to say here, is that playing the blame game and the victim game keeps us stuck, no matter how justified we are (or feel). I am not suggesting this is easy. We need help, we need a lot of help. It starts by our admitting that we need it. The deeper the hurt the more help we need. Life has a way of messing us up. Councilors can help, but there are times when the hurt is so deep that only God can sort it out (see “Psychology without faith is lame”).
It helps if we are willing to see our own part in all of this. We also need to make sure that we do not pass this on to others (see “I will never be like my Father, never" July 2010). It can start like this, we all want others to think highly of us, and we all hide things. When we do this, knowingly or unknowingly our presenting face is a mask, it does not reflect reality. Of course, we do not admit that what we are presenting is not realty, and it is crazy making. Deception involves much much more than telling outright lies. This is why in court we swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Omitting aspects of the truth can be just as deceptive as telling an outright lie. The story of Adam and Eve in Genesis tells us that before they chose to sin (the fall), they were naked and without shame. After the fall they hid. They hid from God, from each other and from themselves. After the fall instead of honesty, openness and transparency (nakedness without shame) they covered themselves. We hide because we don't feel safe, and we hide because we don't want others to see our sin and our shame. Adam and Eve blamed each other (See 'you don't believe in Adam and eve do you? - June 2010), and just like the ripple effect on a pond, the consequences went on and on and on. It was no longer safe to be open and honest, they were covered in shame, and shame hides.
It is a downward spiral, it sucks us into its trap and imprisons us. We hide because of the fear of being exposed. We think “If people really know what I am like, they will reject me”. One of the things that happens in genuine Christian community (as opposed to those communities that just play church, and continue to wear masks), is that we discover how much alike we are, how many of our problems are universal. In a safe place like this, we also learn not to judge, because when the blinkers are off, we see that we are in no position to judge. We are all sinners saved by Grace. It can be very humbling, but is it the place of reality, and hence of healing (James 5:16). Such places do exist outside of genuine Christian community, but it is safest when we are willing to meet together in the shadow of the cross of Christ, in gratitude for what He has done for us. Unfortunately such places are rare, both inside and outside the church
Outside of this kind of community the fear of rejection and the fear of being judged, pushes us deeper and deeper into hiding. We need to hide the fact that we are not being open and honest. So we cover our omissions with more deception. We do this so convincingly at times that we even cover it from ourselves. You see there are two kinds of shamelessness. There is the shamelessness of the prostitute (which at least is honest), and then there is the shamelessness of the Pharisee (the religious leaders of Jesus' time). The shamelessness of the Pharisee is a self righteousness that is blind to its own faults. This shamelessness says “I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I am perfect”, and looks down on others not as “perfect” as himself. But the reality is that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). So then when we hide in this way, we are living a lie, and in order to maintain this lie, we need to tell (ourselves and others) more lies. What this does is to set up a shame fear control stronghold in our lives. We don't allow people to know that we are living a lie, and we don't allow them to know that we don't allow them to know.
Not all professors require you to mindlessly mimic their opinion on the exam, but far too many do. And the fact that they have the power to withhold your A, puts incredible pressure on you to conform. These things work “best” where one party has some level of power over the other one (as for example in parent child relationships). The phenomenon I am talking about is so widespread, that most of us wander round in kind of a semi- hypnotic trance. If you wake up, you had better be careful who you tell, because those who love you the most are likely to punish you the most, because they bless them are asleep.
Let me quickly say something that (hopefully) will avoid my being misunderstood here. It is fashionable to blame our parents for everything. But fashions do not always tell the whole story. No parent is perfect, but then neither are their offspring. Your parents parents were not perfect either, and your parents likely inherited a lot of garbage they were not equipped to handle (see "The sins of the Fathers ..." ). If your parents are typical, and their parents are typical, they did their very best. When we are hurting, we don't usually see this. But we all have to deal with the effects on us, of the sins and ignorance of others. Our parents did and we do. We need to play the hand we are dealt. As adults we are not helpless victims. We all need to take responsibility for our reactions to the sins of others and for our own sins. There is much to say about this. What I want to say here, is that playing the blame game and the victim game keeps us stuck, no matter how justified we are (or feel). I am not suggesting this is easy. We need help, we need a lot of help. It starts by our admitting that we need it. The deeper the hurt the more help we need. Life has a way of messing us up. Councilors can help, but there are times when the hurt is so deep that only God can sort it out (see “Psychology without faith is lame”).
It helps if we are willing to see our own part in all of this. We also need to make sure that we do not pass this on to others (see “I will never be like my Father, never" July 2010). It can start like this, we all want others to think highly of us, and we all hide things. When we do this, knowingly or unknowingly our presenting face is a mask, it does not reflect reality. Of course, we do not admit that what we are presenting is not realty, and it is crazy making. Deception involves much much more than telling outright lies. This is why in court we swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Omitting aspects of the truth can be just as deceptive as telling an outright lie. The story of Adam and Eve in Genesis tells us that before they chose to sin (the fall), they were naked and without shame. After the fall they hid. They hid from God, from each other and from themselves. After the fall instead of honesty, openness and transparency (nakedness without shame) they covered themselves. We hide because we don't feel safe, and we hide because we don't want others to see our sin and our shame. Adam and Eve blamed each other (See 'you don't believe in Adam and eve do you? - June 2010), and just like the ripple effect on a pond, the consequences went on and on and on. It was no longer safe to be open and honest, they were covered in shame, and shame hides.
It is a downward spiral, it sucks us into its trap and imprisons us. We hide because of the fear of being exposed. We think “If people really know what I am like, they will reject me”. One of the things that happens in genuine Christian community (as opposed to those communities that just play church, and continue to wear masks), is that we discover how much alike we are, how many of our problems are universal. In a safe place like this, we also learn not to judge, because when the blinkers are off, we see that we are in no position to judge. We are all sinners saved by Grace. It can be very humbling, but is it the place of reality, and hence of healing (James 5:16). Such places do exist outside of genuine Christian community, but it is safest when we are willing to meet together in the shadow of the cross of Christ, in gratitude for what He has done for us. Unfortunately such places are rare, both inside and outside the church
Outside of this kind of community the fear of rejection and the fear of being judged, pushes us deeper and deeper into hiding. We need to hide the fact that we are not being open and honest. So we cover our omissions with more deception. We do this so convincingly at times that we even cover it from ourselves. You see there are two kinds of shamelessness. There is the shamelessness of the prostitute (which at least is honest), and then there is the shamelessness of the Pharisee (the religious leaders of Jesus' time). The shamelessness of the Pharisee is a self righteousness that is blind to its own faults. This shamelessness says “I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I am perfect”, and looks down on others not as “perfect” as himself. But the reality is that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). So then when we hide in this way, we are living a lie, and in order to maintain this lie, we need to tell (ourselves and others) more lies. What this does is to set up a shame fear control stronghold in our lives. We don't allow people to know that we are living a lie, and we don't allow them to know that we don't allow them to know.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A thousand reasons to do it, a thousand reasons not to
There is a saying, that if a man wants to do something (clearly the ladies are excluded :) ), he will find a thousand reasons to do it. If on the other hand, he does not want to do something, he will find a thousand reasons not to do it. I have seen it over and over. Actually what I have seen is that if a man really wants to do something though there be a thousand reasons not to do it, if he finds even one reason to ignore the thousand, he is off to the races. He will then look for nine hundred ninety nine reasons to justify his actions, and he will find them (even if he has to tell himself a bunch of lies), and he will surround himself with those who (for whatever reason) agree with him. It is everywhere. It is in me, and it is in you, if only potentially.
Psychology explains all this in terms of denial and rationalization. Thousands of years earlier the Bible gave greater insight when it explained that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).
I have come to the place where I am fully convinced that each and every one of us, given the right (or perhaps the wrong) circumstances, is capable of the most heinous of sins/crimes. There was a time when I had murder in my heart, justifiable murder (at least in the perspective of the time). I didn't follow through though (just in case you were wondering). But why? Perhaps it was simply that I was not convinced that I would get away with it. Who knows accurately his or her own motives?
Woody Allen, in an explanation of his affair with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter is reported to have said "The heart wants what the heart wants". The point of the quote though is that it reflects very much the philosophy of out culture. Allan's explanation seems to imply that we are at the mercy of what the heart wants. But what if the heart wants incest, or rape? The heart may want what it wants, but should the heart always have what it wants?
A friend of mine once told me that he felt a marriage would be successful only if the parties were lucky enough not to meet someone they liked better outside of the marriage. But as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Whatever happened to faithfulness, to integrity? Whatever happened to commitment?
Our choices have consequences. In the break up of a marriage, for example, the children suffer deeply. Research is just beginning to show that the break up of a marriage scars the children for life. Try googling “Life long trauma of adult children of divorce”. There is growing evidence that this trauma is only slightly lessened (if at all) when the divorce takes place after the children are grown. One person described the effect of divorce on the children as tearing the children in two. You see no matter how careful we try to be, our self justification puts pressure on the children to take sides. I mean if your mum and dad are fighting, who do you want to win?
Certainly divorce has a profound effect on the sense of stability and security of the children. It has to do with seeing what was thought to be permanent, sound secure and unmovable, collapse. It sets a powerful negative example of how to deal with problems, of how even relationships are to be evaluated by usefulness in this throw away, and increasingly sick society in which we live. In any case statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to divorce than those whose parents work through their difficulties. It is even worse when the parents are Christian, since the children are likely to say “even God could not help mum and dad”. No wonder God hates divorce.
But the divorce rates are just one symptom of how sick our society has become. It is not just the environment that is showing signs of the abuse that is heaped upon it. Consider for example, our increasing self-centeredness, our propensity to take rather than give, to hate rather than love, to demand rather than negotiate, to tear down rather than encourage, to blame rather than own up, to build walls rather than bridges, to avenge rather than forgive, to see our side, but not the other person's. These things and more, are pushing us more and more into self absorption, isolation, loneliness and pain. Part of the solution, is to “take fearless inventory” of where we are “at” (step 4 of 12 step programs), to admit our side in all (and more) of what is written above, to turn from it and to return to the guardian and overseer of our souls. When we do this He will abundantly pardon, and when we start to follow Him in radical (and costly) obedience, we will discover He is the Comforter and the Healer, the lover and restorer of our souls, and the fountain of love and joy and peace. It is His promise.
Psychology explains all this in terms of denial and rationalization. Thousands of years earlier the Bible gave greater insight when it explained that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).
I have come to the place where I am fully convinced that each and every one of us, given the right (or perhaps the wrong) circumstances, is capable of the most heinous of sins/crimes. There was a time when I had murder in my heart, justifiable murder (at least in the perspective of the time). I didn't follow through though (just in case you were wondering). But why? Perhaps it was simply that I was not convinced that I would get away with it. Who knows accurately his or her own motives?
Woody Allen, in an explanation of his affair with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter is reported to have said "The heart wants what the heart wants". The point of the quote though is that it reflects very much the philosophy of out culture. Allan's explanation seems to imply that we are at the mercy of what the heart wants. But what if the heart wants incest, or rape? The heart may want what it wants, but should the heart always have what it wants?
A friend of mine once told me that he felt a marriage would be successful only if the parties were lucky enough not to meet someone they liked better outside of the marriage. But as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Whatever happened to faithfulness, to integrity? Whatever happened to commitment?
Our choices have consequences. In the break up of a marriage, for example, the children suffer deeply. Research is just beginning to show that the break up of a marriage scars the children for life. Try googling “Life long trauma of adult children of divorce”. There is growing evidence that this trauma is only slightly lessened (if at all) when the divorce takes place after the children are grown. One person described the effect of divorce on the children as tearing the children in two. You see no matter how careful we try to be, our self justification puts pressure on the children to take sides. I mean if your mum and dad are fighting, who do you want to win?
Certainly divorce has a profound effect on the sense of stability and security of the children. It has to do with seeing what was thought to be permanent, sound secure and unmovable, collapse. It sets a powerful negative example of how to deal with problems, of how even relationships are to be evaluated by usefulness in this throw away, and increasingly sick society in which we live. In any case statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to divorce than those whose parents work through their difficulties. It is even worse when the parents are Christian, since the children are likely to say “even God could not help mum and dad”. No wonder God hates divorce.
But the divorce rates are just one symptom of how sick our society has become. It is not just the environment that is showing signs of the abuse that is heaped upon it. Consider for example, our increasing self-centeredness, our propensity to take rather than give, to hate rather than love, to demand rather than negotiate, to tear down rather than encourage, to blame rather than own up, to build walls rather than bridges, to avenge rather than forgive, to see our side, but not the other person's. These things and more, are pushing us more and more into self absorption, isolation, loneliness and pain. Part of the solution, is to “take fearless inventory” of where we are “at” (step 4 of 12 step programs), to admit our side in all (and more) of what is written above, to turn from it and to return to the guardian and overseer of our souls. When we do this He will abundantly pardon, and when we start to follow Him in radical (and costly) obedience, we will discover He is the Comforter and the Healer, the lover and restorer of our souls, and the fountain of love and joy and peace. It is His promise.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
If you were born in India, you would be Hindu
Are you saying that if I were born in a garage I would be a car?
Don't misunderstand me, I do not by any means dismiss the influence of culture/family on all sorts of things, including religion. This argument though, which I came across on youtube in a response by Richard Dawkins to a question, is really a quite pathetic attempt to dismiss by contempt rather than by a reasoned and logical argument. If his argument were valid then why is he not a Christian? Well I suspect he would answer that he is a thinker (with the implication that all who are religious are not).
I have seen this type of arrogance before from academics. One man was so sure of the impossibility of the Christians position, that he suggested to me that Christians have different brain chemistry than non- Christians. In his mind, this explained what he thought of as our stupidity. But even if he was right about there being a difference in brain chemistry, it would not prove that he was right and we were wrong about God.
To dismiss all religious people as unthinking idiots as this “argument” does, is to discount many of the greatest thinkers of all time. Einstein, though not a Christian certainly believed in God. It was he who said “Science without religion is lame”. Almost certainly what lies behind what he was saying is that the existence of a creator God best explains the facts that there is something there, and that there is order. Modern Science was born in the Christian West out of the assumption that if it was all created by an intelligent being, then it would make sense to systematically study it. And Newton and many other great Scientists were and are Christian. Even Darwin in his later years was a Christian.
Certainly it is not fashionable to be a Christian, but truth is determined neither by fashion, nor by democratic vote. And most people I meet in this day and age have never examined the claims of Christ and Christianity with their adult minds (see coming post Liar, Lunatic or Lord). To come back to the title of this post (and incidentally to the second part of the Einstein quote above), I want to admit that there are many who are religious who simply follow without engaging their minds. But non-religious people are not exempt from mindlessly following the culture. How about you? Have you examined the claims of Christ with your adult mind?
Don't misunderstand me, I do not by any means dismiss the influence of culture/family on all sorts of things, including religion. This argument though, which I came across on youtube in a response by Richard Dawkins to a question, is really a quite pathetic attempt to dismiss by contempt rather than by a reasoned and logical argument. If his argument were valid then why is he not a Christian? Well I suspect he would answer that he is a thinker (with the implication that all who are religious are not).
I have seen this type of arrogance before from academics. One man was so sure of the impossibility of the Christians position, that he suggested to me that Christians have different brain chemistry than non- Christians. In his mind, this explained what he thought of as our stupidity. But even if he was right about there being a difference in brain chemistry, it would not prove that he was right and we were wrong about God.
To dismiss all religious people as unthinking idiots as this “argument” does, is to discount many of the greatest thinkers of all time. Einstein, though not a Christian certainly believed in God. It was he who said “Science without religion is lame”. Almost certainly what lies behind what he was saying is that the existence of a creator God best explains the facts that there is something there, and that there is order. Modern Science was born in the Christian West out of the assumption that if it was all created by an intelligent being, then it would make sense to systematically study it. And Newton and many other great Scientists were and are Christian. Even Darwin in his later years was a Christian.
Certainly it is not fashionable to be a Christian, but truth is determined neither by fashion, nor by democratic vote. And most people I meet in this day and age have never examined the claims of Christ and Christianity with their adult minds (see coming post Liar, Lunatic or Lord). To come back to the title of this post (and incidentally to the second part of the Einstein quote above), I want to admit that there are many who are religious who simply follow without engaging their minds. But non-religious people are not exempt from mindlessly following the culture. How about you? Have you examined the claims of Christ with your adult mind?
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
God, Wonderful and Terrible - Good and Bad news
I said in the last post that there is another side to the wonder of God that we see in creation. If we are born into a safe and loving environment, it may take time to see this, especially if we live far from wars and the savagery of man and of nature. However sooner (more often than not) or later, we come fact to face with the problem of the existence of pain and of evil in the world. It is a problem (in that it is hard to explain) for both the Christian and the non-Christian. I can never seem to quite make up my mind just how much to “blame” God for it all. I mean in creating free will, He certainly created the possibility of evil (a mankind who was prevented from choosing evil could not logically choose to love in any meaningful way). And what about earthquakes and other “acts of God”. Well at least the insurance companies know who to blame! I am not so sure, since as the Scriptures tell us the “Prince of the power of the air” has an agenda to kill and to steal and to destroy (John 10:10). He seems to be doing a good job!
But is it certainly God who knocked Paul off his horse when he thought he was serving him but was not. Paul later talks about knowing the terror of the Lord (II Corinthians 5:11). I suspect that this is an oblique reference to that event. The Scriptures also talk about God “Awesome and Terrible” (Deuteronomy 10:17 – KJV, AMP), that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom, and that unregenerate man is His enemy. It is true that He tells this last piece of bad news in the context of simultaneously telling the good news, for “if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life” (Romans 5:10). So Christ died for your sins and mine while we were still His enemies. “... perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”. God is fearsome and terrible, but God is good and has provided the (only, unique) way of escape.
So there are two pictures here of God, and both are true. “Behold” Paul tells us “The goodness and severity severity of God”. On the one hand He is severe to those who turn their back on Him. On that day, we are told, those who have not accepted His pardon will cry out in terror for the rocks to fall on them. On the other hand, He is good to those who continue in His goodness. God is Love and God is good, but God is also a Holy God and God is a consuming fire. The good news is that we can choose to be on His side. But if we choose not to.....
People tell me they don't have a clue about what the Book of Revelation is all about. While I am not by any means an expert on this, I do have a clue. It is, after all, the “back of The Book”, and as at the back of any book, it tells how it all ends. God and good win, evil and the devil and his angels loose. They and all who follow them (default) are cast into the lake of fire, and God executes justice and revenge on His enemies. Those who have received His pardon, go on to the place where there is no more death, no more tears, no more pain, no more torment. The rest of us are cast into the lake of fire, of everlasting burnings.
The default, the way we all start off, is that we are His enemies. We have all sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. But Jesus invites us into His Kingdom. “Behold” He tells us, “I stand at the door and knock, If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20). You don't dine with your enemies (it is a picture of fellowship). If you open the door and invite Him in, He becomes your friend, your saviour and your redeemer. If you harden your heart and choose not to listen to His voice and His invitation, you become deaf and remain His enemy. If we refuse His gift of forgiveness, His free Pardon, what are we left with?
I mentioned above that Paul knew the terror of the Lord. The full quotation is “Knowing the terror of the Lord we persuade men”. And in the same context “the love of Christ constrains us” and “ we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God.
I too implore you dear reader to be reconciled to God. There are many I pray will read what I have written. There are many with whom I have longed to be able to share the things that I write today, not as a guilt trip, but because I honestly fear for you. As I said in an earlier post, there are times when (knowing as least something of the terror of the Lord, and loving you deary) the burden of not being allowed to speak is intolerable (see 'Hell? Are you trying to scare me into heaven?'). Please forgive me for the times and the places where my life has failed to reflect the truth of what I say today. I am painfully aware that even as a Christian, I fail in many things (James 3:2). I am “hearing” more protests, more objections. I will answer some of them in the days to come.
But is it certainly God who knocked Paul off his horse when he thought he was serving him but was not. Paul later talks about knowing the terror of the Lord (II Corinthians 5:11). I suspect that this is an oblique reference to that event. The Scriptures also talk about God “Awesome and Terrible” (Deuteronomy 10:17 – KJV, AMP), that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom, and that unregenerate man is His enemy. It is true that He tells this last piece of bad news in the context of simultaneously telling the good news, for “if when we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life” (Romans 5:10). So Christ died for your sins and mine while we were still His enemies. “... perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us”. God is fearsome and terrible, but God is good and has provided the (only, unique) way of escape.
So there are two pictures here of God, and both are true. “Behold” Paul tells us “The goodness and severity severity of God”. On the one hand He is severe to those who turn their back on Him. On that day, we are told, those who have not accepted His pardon will cry out in terror for the rocks to fall on them. On the other hand, He is good to those who continue in His goodness. God is Love and God is good, but God is also a Holy God and God is a consuming fire. The good news is that we can choose to be on His side. But if we choose not to.....
People tell me they don't have a clue about what the Book of Revelation is all about. While I am not by any means an expert on this, I do have a clue. It is, after all, the “back of The Book”, and as at the back of any book, it tells how it all ends. God and good win, evil and the devil and his angels loose. They and all who follow them (default) are cast into the lake of fire, and God executes justice and revenge on His enemies. Those who have received His pardon, go on to the place where there is no more death, no more tears, no more pain, no more torment. The rest of us are cast into the lake of fire, of everlasting burnings.
The default, the way we all start off, is that we are His enemies. We have all sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. But Jesus invites us into His Kingdom. “Behold” He tells us, “I stand at the door and knock, If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me” (Revelation 3:20). You don't dine with your enemies (it is a picture of fellowship). If you open the door and invite Him in, He becomes your friend, your saviour and your redeemer. If you harden your heart and choose not to listen to His voice and His invitation, you become deaf and remain His enemy. If we refuse His gift of forgiveness, His free Pardon, what are we left with?
I mentioned above that Paul knew the terror of the Lord. The full quotation is “Knowing the terror of the Lord we persuade men”. And in the same context “the love of Christ constrains us” and “ we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were pleading through us: we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God.
I too implore you dear reader to be reconciled to God. There are many I pray will read what I have written. There are many with whom I have longed to be able to share the things that I write today, not as a guilt trip, but because I honestly fear for you. As I said in an earlier post, there are times when (knowing as least something of the terror of the Lord, and loving you deary) the burden of not being allowed to speak is intolerable (see 'Hell? Are you trying to scare me into heaven?'). Please forgive me for the times and the places where my life has failed to reflect the truth of what I say today. I am painfully aware that even as a Christian, I fail in many things (James 3:2). I am “hearing” more protests, more objections. I will answer some of them in the days to come.
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