The poison of guilt, shame and resentment

I shared a poster on facebook recently that said “Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head.” I can relate to that, because there was a time when my undealt with anger resulted in resentful thoughts going round, and round, and round in my head. It's poison, and the ones it poisons most is firstly myself, and then those I love.

But it is not just bitterness and resentment that is poison. All of them are. It is helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I have done something wrong,” shame says “There is something wrong with me.” We can suppress and/or deny our guilt, but it eats away at us anyway. If it's not affecting us, why do we get angry when someone takes a stand against the sort of thing we have done, undermining our rationalization? Shame, when we embrace it undermines us, it keeps us hidden in relationships, often even with ourselves, certainly from others. It sabotages intimacy and friendship which too often become superficial. Then we wonder why we are lonely.

The cure for resentment and bitterness is to forgive. There is a lot to forgive, but it helps me to know that there are many things that others need to forgive me for. The cure for guilt is to be forgiven, and there is only One whose forgiveness really matters, the One who paid the price for all our wrong doing. The cure for shame, is to know that I am loved, that I am significant that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You may not feel that way about me, but that no longer matters, because the One who forgave me thinks I am the bees knees, and I am learning to rest in that. It's the only way to fly!

I am only as sick as my secrets

They say everybody has a skeletons or two in the closet. You know, the secrets we hope nobody will ever discover. Well some skeletons are smellier than others, and the smellier they are, the more defensive we are likely to be, the more covered, the more fearful about the possibility of discovery.

With all the recent Senate scandals in the news, there seems to be an emphasis on transparency. I am thinking about certain politicians coming out and admitting “Well yes I smoked pot once or twice in my youth.” I don't know how believable the “once or twice” is, or how recent the youth (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!), but there is something about confession that is indeed good for the soul.

It is a Biblical principle actually “Confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed.” We have not done this well either inside or outside the Church. Well it's hard, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and let's face it people can be very judgmental. I have been called to a level of openness that quite frankly is scarey. More than once I have had the experience of a confession coming back to me as accusation. It is not a lot of fun! The Biblical admonition though, if done properly, would preclude this. It is “to one another,” not to a priest, not to the World in general (as in airing one's dirty laundry in public), but to one another. That is to someone who will in turn confess to you. This way it is held in confidentiality. So we need to find people (one, a small group, a fellowship) who are safe, non-judgmental, encouraging, affirming and who will come along side to help us get up and out of the pits we too easily fall into. It's called humility.

It is good to get these things off our chest, it is healing, and no more so within a genuine Christian faith where the assurance that “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,” plays a powerful role in the healing process. What a feeling to be forgiven, to be able to start over with a clean conscience – justified (just as if I had never sinned), free. When we keep up the high and towering walls to safeguard our secrets, we keep the bad in as well as the bad out, and we also keep the good out too. We are only as sick as our secrets.

In the beginning, nothing created everything that is out of nothing!

There are basically three philosophical possibilities for origins. Firstly there is the possibility that the universe always existed. In spite of the fact that this contradicts the theory of relativity, many Scientists held this view even as recently as the 1960's (it was called the steady state theory). Even Einstein believed this until the red shift observed in the spectrum of light emitted from distant stars confirmed the expanding universe. As far as I know nobody holds this view today.

The second possibility is that something outside the Universe and independent of it (God, god, gods, the force etc.) created everything that is out of nothing. The third possibility is the naturalistic explanation, the view that the observable universe is all there is. The claim by those who hold this third view is that this is the most logical of the three positions. But is it?

There are many who affirm that evolution has given us a perfectly valid explanation of it all. Now I am not writing today to debate evolution (but see “Not invested in the truth or falsity of evolution” November 2012), however it is simply not true that evolution explains it all. Even if you hold that the evolution of all things evolved from a single cell, you still have to ask where the single cell came from. In an interview Richard Dawkins, the well known evangelical (in his zeal) proponent of this view, was asked what evidence he had for his belief that only natural explanations of the universe are valid. He had to admit that he had none. So he and others who hold this view hold it by faith. And in terms of origins, their faith statement boils down to “In the beginning, nothing created everything that is out of nothing!” Is this really more logical than the theistic view?

“inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.”

For many people it is Jesus “yes,” and the Church “no.” I understand this well. I have been hurt more by those who claim to know Him than those who don't. I supposed I expected more, but I don't intent to let it put me off Him! But here's a question, what would you do if you saw Jesus hungry and naked (that is part of what the quote from Matthew 25 is about)?

I don't want to downplay our very real needs or our very real difficulties, but compared with much of the world, we in the West are all filthy stinking rich. According to UNICEF over 22,000 children die every day due to poverty. That is over one child every 4 seconds. So how many died while you were reading this? And how much suffering results from just one such death? It is easy to be overwhelmed, it is easy think I can do nothing. This post was prompted by pictures face book friends posted, and I suggested “Opportunity International” as an effective way to help some. Even if we only help one, the mother of that child will be eternally grateful. Jesus also said “... inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’ I cannot do nothing, how about you?

Happy are the poor in spirit

It's a few years ago now that I resigned my self appointed task as keeper of the Universe. Well it was not really the whole universe, but I had been feeling responsible for a lot more than I now feel for things outside of my control. I also stopped worrying as much about what people thought of me, and I started to define success in very different terms than I had earlier.

The above quotation from the sermon on the mount is a huge stumbling block for our culture, where self reliance and individualism rule, where career, financial success, and making it big is what it's all about. We are told that “Only the weak need religion.” For me it's more like a brand new pair of legs.

The (often self imposed) pressure we feel to be successful, to need nobody, to be beautiful, intelligent, rich, powerful causes us to hide who we really are. It results in our living outside of reality, because nobody can be all these things. We are often afraid to let others know who we really are because we believe if others really knew the truth about us they would reject us. What is it they say “Most men live lives of quiet desperation”? But we don't all admit it even when we do!

There are a couple of equal and opposite errors to avoid here. On the one hand there is the unhealthy dependency that signifies a lack of maturity, an unwillingness to take responsibility for our thoughts actions and attitudes, a dependency that leans too heavily on others placing the blame on them whenever things go wrong. It is a strong indication that we have not yet grown up.

But there is an opposite error, and one that many fall into. Let me start by asking who is the more mature, one who cannot surrender some of his or her independence or one who can? What I am saying is that independence is not the greatest form of maturity, what is more mature is interdependence, that is a willingness to admit that I have not arrived, that I have needs others can help me with.

Now I am a Mathematician. I have often said that it is harder to be arrogant when you are a Mathematician (it's not impossible, but you have to work a little harder!). The point is that no matter how much you know, it is perfectly obvious that (in the words of Newton) you are doing nothing more than splashing about on the shore of the vast ocean of knowledge. To put it another way, in Mathematics you cannot ask a question without showing your ignorance. So I ask my peers lots of questions. But I know more than I would, because I get at least some of those questions answered.

Now I do need to do what I can do, but I will not learn as much if I am unwilling to admit my ignorance. And it is here that we find the balance and avoid both of these equal and opposite errors. So in Mathematics so in life. If we are unwilling to admit or even see that in many places we are weak, and in many things we all fail, then we will not be living in reality and we will not seek the help that we all need!

It's the first step in recovery “I admitted that I am powerless over .....” And we are either in recovery, or we are in denial. I prefer another river (different from “de Nile” - groan – I know – I am of course talking about Ezekiel's river - Ezekiel 47).

To do what we already know is right

While it is true that many Christians get caught up in legalism (rigid adherence to often times man made rules) the opposite error screws us up just as much. If we are honest with ourselves, not one of us lives up to what we already know is right. I know I don't. That is why I need forgiveness and why, as I often put it, I need my Anglican fix (confession and absolution, and I never feel so free and so clean as when after I have blown it, I go and confess to Him and ask His help to do better – this is the very opposite of a guilt trip!).

We live in a culture that has lost it's way, that no longer knows what is right and wrong. We can know, but it's not about figuring it out intellectually. It starts with working from where we are at, it starts with being consistent with what we already believe is right and what is wrong. When we go against our own conscience we sear it (the image is of being seared with a red hot iron – after a while there is no feeling!). We have all done it, given in to what we knew was wrong and then suppressed the guilt. But guilt is not dealt with by sitting on it, it is dealt with by being forgiven. When we sit on it, it becomes easier the next time to do the same thing, and then after a while we change our minds about it being wrong. We can even get belligerent at those who hold the view we formerly held!

I have shared this illustration before but it stuck with me. The girl in the caff who told me “I don't think adultery is wrong.” I suspect she was hitting on me, but I looked her in the eye and told her “That's because you want to do it.” Her hand came up not quite quickly enough to hide her “guilty as charged smile.” The point is that we are so very very good at justifying what we do. So that our morality is tied more to what we do, than to what we (initially) believe. And what we do changes what we believe (no one wants to be a villain in his or her own eyes!).

The way forward is to start by doing the things we already know are right, and by being open to admit it when we are wrong. It's all summed up in a saying of Jesus “Anyone who chooses to do the will of God will find out whether my teaching comes from God or whether I speak on my own.” Doing is believing!

Redemption - a different kind of bail

I was in prison recently (no no only visiting - with the alpha program). In leading worship in one of the listed songs “There is a redeemer, ” I had to wonder if the men all knew what it meant. I explained it this way “When you have blown it and have to face the penalty, a redeemer is one who bails you out permanently.” When we break the law of the land we may need to serve a prison term, and bail here on earth does not save us from the penalty, it only gets us out until we come to trial. Before the bar of God the offense is forgiven and He casts my sin into the deepest sea and posts a “no fishing” sign. This “no fishing” is especially for me, no more guilt trips thank you! What I love about God is that moments after my confession I can climb up on His lap and He receives me as if I never sinned!

The redeemer we are talking about is of course Jesus Christ, and He made redemption possible through His death on the cross (He paid a debt He did not owe, I owed a debt I could not pay!). Here on earth there is the matter of getting caught. On the other hand He sees everything, but the way to get away with the many things of which we are all guilty, is to repent and seek His forgiveness. Being forgiven does not mean we will not have to face the consequences of our mistakes and wrong doing. We do reap what we sow. It is good news though to know that with Him we can always start over with a clean sheet. That is a big part of what the new birth is really all about, a chance to start over. This is good news indeed, and you only find this with God. Our fellows here below find it a tad harder to forgive. When people ask me how I am doing I often say “The Lord loves me, it's the rest of the world I'm having trouble with!” We (I) need to be more like Him in the forgive and forget department! The World would be a better place!