Quiet desperation and unwilling/unable to change

There is a recovery saying that goes like this “We will not change until the pain of being stuck becomes greater than the pain and fear of change.” The saying came up at a recent Celebrate Recovery meeting (a Biblical 12 step program – I joined recently). We were discovering how very much alike we all are, even though we may struggle with different things. In particular we discovered how resistant to change we all are!

Some see Psychology and faith as incompatible, but my observations is that where Psychology works, it either reflects or illuminates Biblical principles. In this particular case, it illustrates/illuminates the principle that we reap what we sow (there are consequences and/or benefits to what we do). Of course on the negative side, we are affected by the bad things others do to us, but we are also messed up by the things we do, and even by the wrong responses to the wrong done.

A lot of us are in denial -about this, and the first of the 12 steps is to come out of denial. Interesting teaching here in the acrostic D-E-N-A-I-L. Firstly denial Disables our feelings since it also involves suppressing our emotions. Then is saps our Energy, it Negates our growth, it Isolates us from God, it Alienates us from our significant relationships, and finally it Lengthens the pain.

Certainly, coming out of denial and dealing with the issues is also painful, but in my experience the short term pain leads to long term gain. And the advantage of the Biblical approach, is that it points you to the true source of power plus the desire to do what needs to be done. In particular, when we fully cooperate with God – He actively works to change wrong desires and to give us the wherewithal to do what needs to be done, or to stop doing what is destructive (this is Philippians 2:12,13). It starts with trusting the One who is utterly trustworthy, then continuing in His Word. Then we will be progressively both willing and able to come into the true freedom He provides. He did this, and is doing it for me (not arrived yet though, so please be patient with me!).

Does God grade on the curve?

I heard the siren and pulled over. - “You were speeding sir”. - 'Yes'. - “What?” - 'Yes I was speeding'. - “Go on, get out of here”. Apparently the officer was not used to people owning up! When I got back in the car, I told my buddy “That is what I want when I die”. 'What?' he asked. “Mercy, not justice!”

Many people say that they expect God to weigh their good deeds with the bad, that is to grade on the curve. Quite apart form the fact that God probably expects a good deal more than this, it doesn't really make any sense. Suppose I had tried to argue with the officer – but officer there have been hundreds of days that I was not speeding, and I help little old ladies across the road whenever I see them (even if they don't need my help :) ). Do you think it would work? Seriously now? So why do we expect this to work with God?

One of the problems I find in my own life is that I do not even live up to my own expectations, and surely to know to do good and not to do it is also wrong. Jesus tells that when we see the hungry (on TV or not) and do not feed them, He deals with this the same as us seeing Him hungry and not feeding Him. The Scripture tells us that in many things we all fail. The closer I get to God the more I am aware of this. But though I am not complete, I am accepted, and it's all by His Grace and Mercy. Grace is not getting what you deserve (especially for the bad). And it was made possible by the substitutionary death of Christ on the cross. Justice, in the other hand is about getting what we do deserve (for both the good and bad!). What do you want when you die Mercy and Grace, or Justice. Mercy and Grace are a gift, but we do need to receive them.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it ...

This is one of those sayings of Jesus that seems at first to make no sense at all, but rather to be complete and total nonsense. It is totally at odds with the conventional wisdom that if I don't look after number one, nobody will. And if we are alone in the World, if God does not exist or He does, but is not actively at work for good for those who love Him, then it is indeed nonsense.

We have probably all heard the saying “Life sucks and then you die.” Indeed if this life is all there is, then it is not fair, there is very little justice, and in the end any justice that there is, is usually the result of a very long fight! I read recently that in the States the “majority of homicides now go unsolved at dozens of big-city police departments,” and that the overall statistics leave over 35% of all homicides unsolved. Talk about getting away with murder. Perhaps it's no wonder so many end up taking the Law into their own hands. It is of course a recipe for anarchy. It's the same when we try to control everyone and everything around us. But what is a body to do?

The problem is not new. Thousands of years ago the Psalmist was complaining to God that the ungodly always seemed to be at ease and getting away with things. So what, he complained, was the use in living a pure life with integrity. His foot had almost slipped (He had almost given up), until he got back into fellowship with God where the long term view became clear, and in particular where he could see their end in the hereafter. It is this long term view that so often enables the believer to “let go, and let God.”

If there is no God there is no justice, but there is a God, and in the final analysis He will do what He promises to do and that is to right every wrong, as well as wiping away every tear. This being the case, it makes sense to leave the hard things to Him. The beauty of knowing the truth that He is and that He will do what He promised, is that I no longer need to play God. I do not have to fix everything that is “broke.” I do not have to extract revenge for every real and perceived injustice done to me. I am not saying we should door mats, but in the past I held onto things long after my holding on was doing anything but make things worse and make me miserable into the bargain. I have learned that there is a time to get out of the way and let God deal with the circumstance or the other buddy or the whatever. In the process I am finding a lot more peace and a lot more joy. By hanging on I lost my life, but by letting go I found it again. I am so glad it is all true! Jesus is a wise dude!

You are the only one you can change! Mmm!

There is much wisdom in this secular saying. How many of us have tried to change others, our spouse, our children, those in our sphere of influence. And when it is not working how often do we redouble our efforts becoming manipulative or bullying, with fits of anger or with sullen punishing silences? We may bully them into submission in this way, but we do not really change them, and all of this takes a toll on relationships, breeding resentment, fear, anger and the like. It is not the stuff of intimacy or warm fuzzy feelings! I will come back to this below, but what I want to say here is that there is indeed wisdom in the advice that suggests we let go, stop trying to manipulate others into doing and being what we think is best for them and for us!

On the other hand, there is a way that we can and do change others. We can, it seems, very easily change people for the worse. As I just pointed out our bullying can increase the resentment and the fear. But most of us want to change others for the better (or at least to make life easier for ourselves!). Another difficulty with the saying concerns our ability to even change ourselves. The first step in any of the 12 step programs has to do with admitting to ourselves and others areas where we are definitely not in control, our addictions for example, or our hurts, habits and hang ups.

I am not saying that we cannot change, what I am saying is that most of us (those not in denial) need help to change even ourselves. Secular self help can give insight into how we got into the messes we get ourselves into, and it can help us to see where we need to change, but it does little to facilitate such change. In secular self help it's all up to us, and this is where secular self help comes up short, and where, when we let Him, we can receive much help from God. I am very much aware for my own part how even my desires need to change, because I often want things I know are not good for me. But how do you change your wants? Well, the Scriptures promise us that when we fully submit to and cooperate with Him, in ongoing relationship with Him and His Word, then He is actively at work in us both to change our desires and to give us the wherewithal to do what is good and right and proper (Philippians 2:12,13). This is part of the good news of the gospel.

The other aspect of faith that helps with this saying concerns the truth of the gospel. Within the ongoing relationship with God we come to know more and more that it is all true. We come increasingly to know the truth and the truth increasingly sets us free (John 8:32). Even the secular version requires faith. The problem with the secular version is “faith in what?” In one self help book I read “We can trust that life is a gentle teacher.” Really? My experience of life has more to do with the school of hard knocks! On the other hand, within the faith community as we get to know and trust the God of all truth we put our trust in Him and in His promises. For example we trust that, even though we may not immediately see how this works we do see, with the eyes of faith, that He is actively at work for good, even in the evil that befall us (Romans 8:28).

The truth is even more powerful, because when we let go and stop trying to manipulate the other person to change (often in a way that may not be helpful) then we free God up to work in the other person. That is part of the Romans promise. To put this negatively You are the only one, ultimately, who can get in God's way of working in that persons life. As with children when one child tries to take over from the parent, the parent finishes up dealing with the interference rather than the problem that provoked it all. So let go and let God change both them and you.

The poison of guilt, shame and resentment

I shared a poster on facebook recently that said “Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent free in your head.” I can relate to that, because there was a time when my undealt with anger resulted in resentful thoughts going round, and round, and round in my head. It's poison, and the ones it poisons most is firstly myself, and then those I love.

But it is not just bitterness and resentment that is poison. All of them are. It is helpful to distinguish between guilt and shame. Guilt says “I have done something wrong,” shame says “There is something wrong with me.” We can suppress and/or deny our guilt, but it eats away at us anyway. If it's not affecting us, why do we get angry when someone takes a stand against the sort of thing we have done, undermining our rationalization? Shame, when we embrace it undermines us, it keeps us hidden in relationships, often even with ourselves, certainly from others. It sabotages intimacy and friendship which too often become superficial. Then we wonder why we are lonely.

The cure for resentment and bitterness is to forgive. There is a lot to forgive, but it helps me to know that there are many things that others need to forgive me for. The cure for guilt is to be forgiven, and there is only One whose forgiveness really matters, the One who paid the price for all our wrong doing. The cure for shame, is to know that I am loved, that I am significant that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. You may not feel that way about me, but that no longer matters, because the One who forgave me thinks I am the bees knees, and I am learning to rest in that. It's the only way to fly!

I am only as sick as my secrets

They say everybody has a skeletons or two in the closet. You know, the secrets we hope nobody will ever discover. Well some skeletons are smellier than others, and the smellier they are, the more defensive we are likely to be, the more covered, the more fearful about the possibility of discovery.

With all the recent Senate scandals in the news, there seems to be an emphasis on transparency. I am thinking about certain politicians coming out and admitting “Well yes I smoked pot once or twice in my youth.” I don't know how believable the “once or twice” is, or how recent the youth (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!), but there is something about confession that is indeed good for the soul.

It is a Biblical principle actually “Confess your faults one to another, that you may be healed.” We have not done this well either inside or outside the Church. Well it's hard, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and let's face it people can be very judgmental. I have been called to a level of openness that quite frankly is scarey. More than once I have had the experience of a confession coming back to me as accusation. It is not a lot of fun! The Biblical admonition though, if done properly, would preclude this. It is “to one another,” not to a priest, not to the World in general (as in airing one's dirty laundry in public), but to one another. That is to someone who will in turn confess to you. This way it is held in confidentiality. So we need to find people (one, a small group, a fellowship) who are safe, non-judgmental, encouraging, affirming and who will come along side to help us get up and out of the pits we too easily fall into. It's called humility.

It is good to get these things off our chest, it is healing, and no more so within a genuine Christian faith where the assurance that “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,” plays a powerful role in the healing process. What a feeling to be forgiven, to be able to start over with a clean conscience – justified (just as if I had never sinned), free. When we keep up the high and towering walls to safeguard our secrets, we keep the bad in as well as the bad out, and we also keep the good out too. We are only as sick as our secrets.

In the beginning, nothing created everything that is out of nothing!

There are basically three philosophical possibilities for origins. Firstly there is the possibility that the universe always existed. In spite of the fact that this contradicts the theory of relativity, many Scientists held this view even as recently as the 1960's (it was called the steady state theory). Even Einstein believed this until the red shift observed in the spectrum of light emitted from distant stars confirmed the expanding universe. As far as I know nobody holds this view today.

The second possibility is that something outside the Universe and independent of it (God, god, gods, the force etc.) created everything that is out of nothing. The third possibility is the naturalistic explanation, the view that the observable universe is all there is. The claim by those who hold this third view is that this is the most logical of the three positions. But is it?

There are many who affirm that evolution has given us a perfectly valid explanation of it all. Now I am not writing today to debate evolution (but see “Not invested in the truth or falsity of evolution” November 2012), however it is simply not true that evolution explains it all. Even if you hold that the evolution of all things evolved from a single cell, you still have to ask where the single cell came from. In an interview Richard Dawkins, the well known evangelical (in his zeal) proponent of this view, was asked what evidence he had for his belief that only natural explanations of the universe are valid. He had to admit that he had none. So he and others who hold this view hold it by faith. And in terms of origins, their faith statement boils down to “In the beginning, nothing created everything that is out of nothing!” Is this really more logical than the theistic view?