Its all so clear...., all so confusing (more journey).

 For the first few weeks after my conversion,  my new life was in many ways like a honeymoon. Everything was so fresh and new. I saw things with new eyes, and my new best friend Jesus was so close. My situation had not changed. I was still separated from my daughter in England (see post “You will search for Me and find Me...”), but somehow I was now able to bear it.  I am not saying it was easy, but it had become possible. On top of this my thoughts and understanding about God were so straightforward. “Its all so very clear”, I thought, “I don't see why everybody can't see it”.  But a few weeks later I was thinking “This is so complex, I can't see how anyone can find it”.

It is we who make it complex, and big part of it is our double mindedness.  We want it and we don't want it.  The mind's ability to rationalize knows no bounds, and it leads to confusion. I wanted the new life, but the old life still had a hold on me. I needed to take up my cross daily (daily surrender).   The simple fact of the matter was that when I was in surrender mode and so close to Him, I could bear my pain, but when I was in rebellion, I could not. The depth of my pain made me very teachable. It was as if He had His arms around me, but was willing to release me as I stated to wander away from Him. This was not like any of earthly relationships which tended to be either possessive or dismissive. “You can choose that Phil, but if you do, we cannot be close”.  To the extent I wandered away, the loneliness the emptiness and the pain would return, when I turned back to Him, the pain would  diminish.  I came running back many many times.

Trying to figure it all out it felt as though,  in coming to the  initial surrender, that I had been lead through a very complex maze in my thinking, a maze of unbelief,  of secular thinking, of false presuppositions and the like.  Before He began to draw me to Himself,  I had been very far from Him both in my behaviour and in my thinking.  It seemed in spite of being pulled in two directions, that I had been shown the way through the maze. But it soon became  clear that in order to more fully understand,  I need to go through it again. This time I made a whole bunch of false turns (I seem to learn best when I learn the hard way). Then after each such false turn I would find my way back, but only after I wandered too far from the correct path, usually through the deceitfulness of my desires.  I think that I could find my way only because He helped me,  because of the experience of the tangible comfort of His presence (when I was walking with Him),  and finally because I knew there was a way through it (I had been shown). Knowing the solution exists helps you to find it.  I was learning to love the Lord with all my mind. 

I came to realize that part of the difficulty is smartness related. It seems that the smarter you are,  the more work you need to do to find your way though the mind maze (and so love Him with all your mind). There were those who did not even understand some of the questions I was asking, let alone why they were causing me such grief.

It is also humility related. We need to come to God as a little, child (or we don't ask for help). This can be extremely humbling. A child like humility thought, is the only reasonable posture to take before the one who by a Word flung starts into space.   Can you pray, and sincerely mean “God if You are really there, please show Yourself to me?” It is the place to start if you don't know Him and you want to, or if you want to know Him more.  You do need to be willing to pay the price though (see “You will seek Me..”   and “Unless you hate mother and father …”).   The combination of being too smart for our own good, and too proud and stubborn to realize how little we know, is a powerful combination that can keep us from Him.