A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing

There are times in life when we need to take time out. The context of the quote of the title of this post from Ecclesiastes 3:5, is that there is a time for all things. In the midst of the battles of life, we too easily finish up reacting to reacting to reacting, and when we do this escalation is the norm. Having a time out can be what councilors call an intervention. It needs to be handled carefully and Biblically.

As we will see below, part of what this means is that it is not intended to be unilateral. Unilateral withdrawals can be nothing less than a continuation of the war. We can use silences to punish, and when we do it consistently it is a form of abuse. I remember one occasion inadvertently getting in on a conversation I had no desire to be a part of. We were looking our the window at this lady's husband pottering in the garden. “He is angry with me today”, she told me, “But tomorrow he will come crawling”. It was not clear to me who had started the silences, but it was clear that this lady knew that all she had to do was to wait, and he would cave – absolute surrender. I could be wrong, but she said it a way that it felt like revenge. As I have said elsewhere, the one who loves the least, has the most power! What I am saying, is that silence can be a weapon, and this can be so hurtful to the one being punished that it can be the thing that provoked the anger in the first place.

There is a teaching of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5, that is relevant here. Paul is talking about the marriage relationship. He says “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer...” If ever there was a need for prayer, it is when we are at on going loggerheads with each other. Of course the need to devote ourselves to prayer can come when we are walking in harmony too, but this teaching is applicable to both circumstances. There are three important instructions here, that need to be followed. The first is that it needs to be by mutual consent. We need to agree together. Either party can take the initiative of course. If you know yourself well enough to know that if time out is not taken, then you will likely say something that you will later regret, then perhaps you need to take the initiative. The second thing to note is that is it “for a time”. I cannot stress this enough, you need to agree on a length of time. This should not be vague. You can of course agree to extend it (again for a mutually agreed time). If you are following the teaching (if you are fasting) it will not be for too long. So how long do you want to fast? Well how desperate is your situation? Thirdly the verse is telling us what we need to do in our time out. This is just as important as the other two points, it is for prayer and fasting, and I will say more below. This is not the time to launch into a long teaching about fasting, but I do need to say something.

One online dictionary defines fasting as “voluntarily not eating food for varying lengths of time. Fasting is used as a medical therapy for many conditions. It is also a spiritual practice.” Listen to this “Fasting can be used for nearly every chronic condition, including allergies, anxiety ..., depression .... heart disease ....., mental illness...... It is frequently prescribed as a detoxification treatment ......”

I have said elsewhere that the Lord designed the physical to be parables of the spiritual. So does the phrase “chronic condition” apply to your relationship? If it does there is going to be a need for spiritual detoxification, and the vehicle the Lord is offering is a mixture of the physical (fasting) and the spiritual (prayer).

Most people can fast for forty days without food and without danger (Luke 4:2 – remember Luke was a Physician), but this length of time should probably not be for those who are fasting for the first time. Remember it has to be by mutual agreement. How much time out do you both think you need? Will you need to do this a number of times? There is likely no quick fix for your problem! So that is the fasting part. What about prayer? We need to think of prayer in this context as much more than a grocery list of things we want to happen. In particular to prayer Biblically is to connect with God in intimacy and to allow Him into our lives and into our problems. He is the solution to every need, and He will solve our problems as we surrender to Him and His ways.

This series of posts is all about coming to the foot of the cross and staying there. In the light of this what are we talking about when we use the phrase “spiritual detoxification”? Well it is certainly going to include things like dealing with and getting rid of anger and revenge and forgiveness, self righteousness and pride and stubbornness and blame and hardness of heart. But we also need to “eat healthy”, so it also involves putting on “tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” (Colossians 3:12-15). Remember, in many things we all fail (James 3:2). But at the foot of the cross there is “Mercy and Grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). And here we see that “there is not difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The cross is a great leveller, and as we allow Him to fill us full of Himself (and the things mentioned above) there is healing and the desire to be reconciled. The point is as we realize how we fail Him over and over, and as we see His ongoing mercy extended to us, we want to extent that same mercy to others.

One last word for today. When we are at loggerheads with each other, we are likely to have out of control emotions. There is a Biblical way to deal with them, and this will form the content of next day's post. The gist of is however is that with David, we need to “Pour out our complaint to the Lord” (Psalm 142:2). More to come.