I appeal to you for my son Onesimus,

.... who became my son while I was in chains (Philemon 10). Paul's heart is clearly visible in this short epistle to Philemon,  where he appeals to him for the emancipation of his runaway slave Onesimus (verses 15,16).   The Bible does not condemn slavery, but as with the emancipation of women,  the seeds that motivate the necessary changes are clear (i.e. Galatians 3:28). Accordingly with respect to slavery,  it was largely Christian influence that overthrew it (Google William Wilberforce for example).  In his apostolic authority Paul could have commanded Philemon (verse 8). He prefers appeal, but subtly makes it clear he expects compliance (verse 21). Thus the epistle provides examples of both godly leadership, and of how to conduct difficult conversations in love.

Perhaps what is most evident,  is that in both of the above things it is more about relationship than it is about rules.  Paul starts off by assuring Philemon of his love for him,  and the assurance that he is in his prayers. Seeing Philemon's godly character, he also tells of his thankfulness for Philemon's love and faith toward the Lord Jesus and all the saints, and in particular, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed (verses 1-7). Secondly Paul does not beat about the bush in what he is wanting to say. He states clearly that he wants Philemon to receive   Onesimus as beloved brother,  not as a slave.  He suggests perhaps it was God's purpose that he departed for a while in order that Philemon might receive Onesimus forever as a brother (verses 15, 16).   As a brother they would be together forever in eternity.

In terms of an outline of the book that I heard,  we have “see” and “say” above. And next, is “serve.” Paul recognizng that Philemon has suffered loss, seeks to take that loss upon himself offering to pay not only for the loss, but also for any wrong.  It is interesting though that Paul reminds Philemon that he owes Paul his  “very self” (verses 18, 19). Finally in terms of the outline we have “stay.” Paul speaks of a future visit,  assuring Philemon the ongoing relationship independent of his compliance (verse 22). This is so very important, far too often when we don't get what we want, we withdraw. It's called control, it's my way or the highway. And we need to see how using relationship as a negotiating tool is so very, very destructive of relationships.  It is the very opposite of love. It's why covenant in marriage is so important. “I'm not going anywhere, we need to work this out!” Please note, I am not saying we need to put up with abuse!


Father, most of us don't do difficult conversations well. In many things we all fail (James 3:2). Forgive us Lord, forgive me,  when we fail in this area, and help us to know how to make amends when we need to. Help us to see the good points in the other person,  not just the bad. Help us to say clearly and gently what needs to be said. Give us servant hearts,  and at all costs let us not use withdrawal and punishing silences to get our way. If we need to rebuke Lord,  help us do it in such way that the person is left not only willing to change,  but is not even sure he or she was rebuked. Once again forgive us Lord, and we will give You the praise in Jesus Name Amen