God’s blueprint for marriage II: Leaving our parents (Genesis 2:24)

Leaving our parents in a healthy way is a life long process (yes even after we are married). There are (at least) two things we need to hold together to accomplish this. We need to acknowledge and deal with the fact that “the sins of the fathers are visited on" us children ... ” while at the same time we need to honour “father and mother that it may go well with” us  (Exodus 20:5, 12 NKJV). The  “sins visited” has to do with the the fact that the negative behaviours (the baggage) of our ancestors and culture, tend to transfer seamlessly onto us. It's not a forgone conclusion, but for example, the tendency for children of alcoholics to be alcoholics is statistically very likely. Following the sexually immoral behaviour of recent generations, is another example.  There are consequences to copying these inherited sins, and if we are to love our children, we will want to deal as much as possible with our baggage so as not to pass it down.  It starts with loving God and obeying His commandments (Exodus 20:6; and e.g. Ephesians 5:3)!

 We can leave our parents physically, but still have unhealthy attachments holding unforgiveness and resentment, for example,  and in the process dishonouring them.  This does not, as in some cultures, that you continue to obey them as adults. In any case whose  do you obey,  his or hers?  In a healthy relationship we listen to advice, but are free to reject it. But this begs the question as to when giving and receiving advice is appropriate (it's a healthy boundaries issue)! In fact there are many issues here, and a single post can do little more than point out some of them,  and recommend some resources!  

There are at least two reasons that is it difficult to leave in a fully healthy way. Firstly we don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know far exceeds what we do! Secondly is the difficulty of speaking the truth, even when spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15). We may not be allowed to speak the truth,  and we may be punished by those we love, if we try.  Conventional wisdom suggests that in marriage mother or father issues get projected onto the children. These issues,  if left unresolved, will eventually result in you having the very same relationship with your spouse,  that you had with your parent. And as I say, you may not even know what they are. Since we tend to repeat the familiar many these things often get transferred seamlessly into our marriages, including the poison of bitterness and resentment (Hebrews 12:15); codependence (unhealthy attachments,  including enmeshment);  interfering in-laws  (see “Boundaries, when to say yes,  when to say no”  by Cloud and Townsend; “Unacknowledged baggage” (a book by the Franks – revealing many unacknowledged issues); enabling (covering up negative behaviours that shelter a person from the consequences of their actions – Galatians 6:7);   operating out of an orphan spirit (issues of the inner child - 1 John 3:2) etc., etc.

Father, the commandment to honour our parents comes with a promise, “that it may go well with” us. But we also need, at the same time,  to acknowledged and deal with the inherited baggage.  It's a process and  something of a balancing act, and we are unlikely to get it perfectly right. And it's never too late to start.  We cannot do this well without Your  help, so I'm asking for it this morning Lord,  in Jesus Name Amen