Incomplete but accepted

If you think about it, most of us are out of balance. We are either too fat or too thin, too dumb or too smart for our own good, too rich or too poor (most of us feel we are in the latter category), but in either case never satisfied. We fight too much or too little, living in constant anger or in conflict avoidance. We have too much religion living by rules, rules and more rules, or we have too little, doing whatever our hearts desire (but with a whole bunch of unwanted consequences)! We love ourselves too much, thinking only of ourselves, or we love ourselves too little constantly beating ourselves up for our shortcomings and faults. We have too many regrets or none at all, we are too introspective or avoid self examination at all cost! We never admit it when we are wrong, or we are constantly apologizing for even the smallest thing!

We would do well to become more like little children. I don't mean childish. I mean more like little children in the way that they both forgive easily, and accept forgiveness, and then go on happily as if nothing has happened. I am talking about children who are parented well, whose parents exhibit these same qualities. Many of us were not parented this way, but then likely our parents were not parented this way either. But the child within longs for it, even when we are adults.

Perhaps it's no coincidence that we are told that in order to enter the Kingdom, we must become like little children. In the secure, safe environment of the loving parent the child can flourish and live in the balance of knowing they are incomplete but also knowing they are fully accepted. Though there are rules, it's not about rules, it's about the relationship. This is of course the ideal, in too many homes it is more about the rules than the relationship, in other homes there's neither rules nor relationship and in neither case is there safety, peace and security. Neither do the children of such homes grow up balanced.

I was not balanced either, and I am not saying that I have arrived now, but having entered into relationship with the perfect parent through the work of His Son, I am learning to rest in the assurance of His unconditional acceptance which allows me to be realistic about my imperfections, while at the same time not being overcome by them. I am finding peace in the middle ground so that I am not presumptions (i.e I can do what I like because God will forgive me that's His job!), and living in the ongoing cleansing provided by the blood, I am not constantly overwhelmed by guilt and shame! Forgiven and by His grace able to forgive, I am my heavenly Daddy's favourite child. You can be too. Not quite sure how that works but hey, I don't need to, I just need to feel it and accept it!

In order to become whole, the victim has to become a better person than the abuser!

I want to suggest that in order to become whole, the victim needs to forgive one who does not deserve it, he (or she) needs to not retaliate when provoked, he or she needs to remain calm and gracious in the face of hate and anger, to show mercy when all he or she has been shown is vengeance and malice and disrespect. But this is not maturity 101, these are difficult things to do and be, they exhibit characteristics that are at some level unnatural. They are however the characteristic and behaviours that bring a quality of life that is otherwise unavailable. How many do you know who are bitter and who also have joy? How many do you know who hold grudges and who also have peace, and hope and serenity?

The behaviours and characteristics described above flow out of Kingdom principles as taught, for example, by Christ. He told us “love your enemies, and do good to those who hate you,” and He told us He came that we might have life in all it's fulness. The principles and the promises are linked. You can be non-religious and live by Kingdom principle and they will still work! They say Nelsen Mandela was not religious (at least our beloved CBC does). However in a very practical way, he loved his enemies, and he not only thrived, he inspired and brought much healing to a divided nation. Yes you can be non-religious and live by Kingdom principles, and you can also be religious and not live by Kingdom principles. You might know some of these. The Pharisee is alive and well and living on planet earth! Well surviving anyway!

These things are, as I say, difficult. But it is easier for the Christian who has truly surrendered everything (or is in the process thereof – it is a process!). The reason is that in surrender he (or she) has access to resources the unbeliever does not have. Having made peace with God (through Christ) we have access to the Grace of God that enables us in all of these things. This is Romans chapter 5. In this Chapter, Paul also describes the process of overcoming through this enabling Grace. And overcoming is what in the end it is all about, overcoming through the very practical help (Grace) that God gives to those who fully cooperate with Him in the process of our becoming more like Him.

After we have made peace with God through Christ then next thing starts with a stop. We (yes me too) need to stop fighting the people and circumstances that God allows as part of His refining process. I am not suggesting we need to be door mats, but in my own experience I had to come to the place where I realized that I am the only one I can change, and only then with His help. The surrender of which I speak concerns letting go of lots of things. As the serenity prayer puts it “God grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Having prayed this, we then need to trust His promise that He will actively work out all things together for our good. With His help we can all be in the process of becoming better (in the way I described – not in a self righteous way) than those who often continue to hurt us. The enabling He provides also comes with hope and peace and joy and love. It's worth it all. I speak as one in process.

We are not what happened to us

I was reminded of this saying when visiting a dear friend recently. He was not part of the conversation, but the illustration of this principle in one who lived this out to the full (Nelsen Mandela) did not escape me. His life illustrates so clearly that we do not need to be for ever trapped and continually wounded by the bad things that have happened to us in the past. To come out of his three decades of unjust imprisonment, and show the kind of grace he did to those who so unjustly treated him, reminds me so much of the one to whom I owe my allegiance, Jesus of Nazareth, whose birth we will shortly celebrate (at least I will).

Most of us bear the scars of difficult happenstances, of bad things others have done to us, and of the consequences of our own poor choices. Anger, bitterness and self pity so often trap us in the past, and rob us of any kind of wholesome future. I don't know about you, but I want more than a life of quiet desperation. But is it hard sometimes to forgive, hard to put obsessive thoughts behind us, difficult to get past the pain of betrayals real and imagined, too easy to place blame and absolve ourselves of any wrong, to nurse the injustices and plot to get even. Been there, done that and bought the t-shirt!

It does not help when others tell us “get over it.” They have not walked in our moccasins! Nevertheless getting over it is what needs to happen. What helped me to get over my own daemons was the discovery that I could have an ongoing relationship with the source of all love and peace and joy and hope. In finding intimacy with Him, I found healing and the wherewithal to continue, as I gave all my pain and anger and bitterness to the One who endured so much more than I ever will. In relationship with Him, I found release from the past, and so very much more. I even got to like myself. That was a big plus (when I stopped beating myself up!).

I am not saying I have arrived, I have not. I still struggle at times with all sorts of things, including my own selfishness. In fact in getting close to Him, I see that more and more clearly. But I would not have survived without Him. Some would call this a crutch, but to me it is more like a brand new pair of legs, and if we are honest, most of us are (or were) limping! Some of us are what happened to us, but we do not need to be!

I want to do what I want to do, but not the consequences please!

“Dear Lord please change reality so that the things that I want to do, do not have the consequences they do. Please take away my pain without my having to deal with my issues, please let me be able to get drunk without doing anything too foolish, and without a hangover. Please let me be mean to others and they loving to me. Please change the school of hard knocks to the school of soft strokes. Amen.

P.S. On second thoughts Lord, perhaps you should leave things as they are - not sure I would have learned anything!”

It was good for me to be afflicted, so that I might learn your decrees

This reaction of the Psalmist, to see the good in his suffering, was not my immediate reaction to the pain of my messed up life. Like most people I cried out “Why me,” and looked for someone else to blame. The ones closest at hand, not being perfect, supplied sufficient ammunition for me to easily rationalize my own innocence.

But when we cry out “Why me,” we are likely crying out to God, same as when, in the rude awakenings of life, the words “Oh my God” escape from our lips. In lesser times it is likely swearing, but not in the really hard times. At least it was this way for me. When the pain got deep enough and lasted long enough, I came to the place I was desperate enough to cry out “God if you are there please help me!” When we really mean it, He shows Himself. He did for me, and He promises to do that for anyone who will search for Him with all of their heart. Note the searching is to be with all of the heart, not with all of the the mind. When we do this we find Him, not because we we are clever, in fact our cleverness coupled with our pride can be a real hinderance. No we find Him when we search with all of our hearts, because He, in His Mercy, shows Himself.

This is the testimony of how I found Him. But really He was searching for me. He used the pain of my own and other's choices to bring me to the place where I was willing to change whatever I needed to change in order to find peace, hope and joy. In doing this I found Him, the source of all these things. I am not talking about finding religion, I am not talking about a set of lifeless and unmotivated rules imposed from above, I am talking about finding a loving relationship with the creator that only He could make possible. A relationship between a prideful, selfish, self centred individual such as me, with a Holy righteous and loving God. It was of course the cross that made the reconciliation possible.

Now many years later in the quiet time I spend with Him every day, I came across the title of this post in the Psalms. It stood out to me, because it now makes perfect sense. I am of course sorry for all the hurt I caused others with my stubborn selfishness. Nevertheless I am now grateful for the affliction that came upon me as consequences of my own and others choices. I am grateful, because it lead me to start to know (I have not yet arrived) the safety and the wisdom of His Decrees, and the peace and joy of fellowship with Him, whom to know is the essence of life itself.

Quiet desperation and unwilling/unable to change

There is a recovery saying that goes like this “We will not change until the pain of being stuck becomes greater than the pain and fear of change.” The saying came up at a recent Celebrate Recovery meeting (a Biblical 12 step program – I joined recently). We were discovering how very much alike we all are, even though we may struggle with different things. In particular we discovered how resistant to change we all are!

Some see Psychology and faith as incompatible, but my observations is that where Psychology works, it either reflects or illuminates Biblical principles. In this particular case, it illustrates/illuminates the principle that we reap what we sow (there are consequences and/or benefits to what we do). Of course on the negative side, we are affected by the bad things others do to us, but we are also messed up by the things we do, and even by the wrong responses to the wrong done.

A lot of us are in denial -about this, and the first of the 12 steps is to come out of denial. Interesting teaching here in the acrostic D-E-N-A-I-L. Firstly denial Disables our feelings since it also involves suppressing our emotions. Then is saps our Energy, it Negates our growth, it Isolates us from God, it Alienates us from our significant relationships, and finally it Lengthens the pain.

Certainly, coming out of denial and dealing with the issues is also painful, but in my experience the short term pain leads to long term gain. And the advantage of the Biblical approach, is that it points you to the true source of power plus the desire to do what needs to be done. In particular, when we fully cooperate with God – He actively works to change wrong desires and to give us the wherewithal to do what needs to be done, or to stop doing what is destructive (this is Philippians 2:12,13). It starts with trusting the One who is utterly trustworthy, then continuing in His Word. Then we will be progressively both willing and able to come into the true freedom He provides. He did this, and is doing it for me (not arrived yet though, so please be patient with me!).

Does God grade on the curve?

I heard the siren and pulled over. - “You were speeding sir”. - 'Yes'. - “What?” - 'Yes I was speeding'. - “Go on, get out of here”. Apparently the officer was not used to people owning up! When I got back in the car, I told my buddy “That is what I want when I die”. 'What?' he asked. “Mercy, not justice!”

Many people say that they expect God to weigh their good deeds with the bad, that is to grade on the curve. Quite apart form the fact that God probably expects a good deal more than this, it doesn't really make any sense. Suppose I had tried to argue with the officer – but officer there have been hundreds of days that I was not speeding, and I help little old ladies across the road whenever I see them (even if they don't need my help :) ). Do you think it would work? Seriously now? So why do we expect this to work with God?

One of the problems I find in my own life is that I do not even live up to my own expectations, and surely to know to do good and not to do it is also wrong. Jesus tells that when we see the hungry (on TV or not) and do not feed them, He deals with this the same as us seeing Him hungry and not feeding Him. The Scripture tells us that in many things we all fail. The closer I get to God the more I am aware of this. But though I am not complete, I am accepted, and it's all by His Grace and Mercy. Grace is not getting what you deserve (especially for the bad). And it was made possible by the substitutionary death of Christ on the cross. Justice, in the other hand is about getting what we do deserve (for both the good and bad!). What do you want when you die Mercy and Grace, or Justice. Mercy and Grace are a gift, but we do need to receive them.