What elephant? Generational sins (Part 7)

Most of us can see the flaws in others far more clearly than we can see them in ourselves. Add to this our tendency to blame rather than accept responsibility for our part in all that goes wrong, and it is easy to see why so many of us are still in denial. And it seems to me that each and every one of us is in denial at some level (yes me too). I have often thought that if the Lord showed us everything that is wrong at the same time, we would (I would) die. Thankfully, He is too merciful to do that, and what I have experienced is that He does not reveal more than with His help, I can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). But if we are to keep moving forward we will need to fully cooperate with Him.

The secular way of doing things and the Biblical way, things have much in common (though of course the Bible got there first). Family systems therapy employs what is called the genogram. It is a kind of family tree that records family difficulties and distress. So for example it records incidents of divorce, alcoholism, suicide, codependency issues etc., etc. The idea is to detect patterns of behaviour so that we can predict what might happen, and then intervene in some way. The idea behind the fearless moral inventory and making amends in the Biblically inspired 12 step programs, is similar. In these steps we discover the often hidden patterns by systematically working through who we need to forgive, and to whom we need to make amends. This also helps us to see that we are at some level still deep in denial!

When the higher power in a 12 step program is Jesus, it opens up many advantages. For example we have the sure principles of the Word of God as well as the promises we find there. Plus we also have access to the Power of the Holy Spirit. Part of this power, when we fully surrender, is that He gives both the desire and the wherewithal to do what needs to be done (Philippians 2:12,13). It needs to be fearless, because this process is hard, and many give up at this stage. We should not do this alone. The fellowship of fellow strugglers is huge and we have an amazing promise, that if we confess our faults to one another, and pray for one another, then we will be healed (James 5:16) Hallelujah!

Father, it is important for us to keep praying “Search me oh God, and see if there be any wicked way within me” (Psalm 139:24). But I also need to be obedient to deal with what You show me. Thank you Lord, that You always have my best interest at heart, and that You have promised to work all things together for my good because I love you and am called according to Your purposes. Thank You that when I surrender completely to You, then You change my desires into Your awesome desires for my life, and You give me the wherewithal to do what pleases You. I thank You again this morning Lord for this, and for many other things, in Jesus Name Amen

The elephant in the room (Part 2) Generational sins (Part 6)

Some elephants in the room are bigger than others, and some have been there so long and are so much part of the furniture, that we are no longer aware that we are tiptoeing around them. The Lord gave me a picture years ago, of how painful and disruptive a process dealing with these “elephants” can be. The potato patch in the garden had been left idle for four years. I had the use of a rotary tiller for four hours, and had intended to do a 20 x 20 plot. But the grass was so matted I finished up only doing a 10 x 10 area. And even after that, it needed a lot of spadework. The Lord then gave me a mental picture of a huge tree stump with a chain linking it to a huge carthorse. There were also several men digging around the stump all trying to extract it.

I felt the Lord saying to me that if it was difficult to till the ground after only four years, imagine how difficult it would be if it was left generation after generation. To mix the metaphors a little, it’s a little bit like pulling a tooth without anesthetic. I understood that if someone starts to deal with the issues, then they are likely to be violating the unspoken but strongly held family rules such as “Don’t think, don’t speak, don’t feel, don’t act, don’t rock the boat.” But to continue the dentist analogy, if the problem is not dealt with it gets worse, and though dealing with the issues is painful for a while, the long-term effects are beneficial.

Since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and since the sins of the fathers are visited on the children when the issues are not dealt with (Exodus 20:5,6), then it is highly likely, that you and I have inherited family dysfunction at some level even if we do not recognize it (it’s all part of denial!). I only recently realized, that the men in the carthorse picture represent the fact that we cannot do this alone. When our actions cause others pain, even with the best of intentions, we are likely with the kickback to second-guess ourselves. We need support in order to push through. And this is why recovery programs that involve the fellowship of fellow strugglers tend to have higher success rates learn those who attempted recovery alone.

Father, I see this last point in spades in the prison ministry. I see inmates who really want to change, want to give up the drugs etc., etc. But their existing support group outside usually consists of those who are still using. And more often than not, we are seeing them come back time after time. It is not just with inmates of course, and I am asking You this morning Lord to help anyone who is beginning to see the need to deal with the problems in their life, that You give them the courage and the support they need to start the process of making the necessary changes. Help us Lord, like You did, to push through the pain to the promised joy (Hebrews 12:1,2). Thank You Lord for the support that You give, and while I certainly need others, more importantly I cannot do this without You. I would not have survived! In Jesus Name Amen

Generational sins (Part 5) The elephant in the room (Part 1)

There seems to be a widespread the public perception, that twelve-step programs are only necessary/useful for those dealing with substance abuse. But this is not the case. What I am seeing over and over, is that people who come into such programs to help “those people,” finish up realizing that they are one of those people themselves! What is happening here, is that as they go through the steps, it starts to become evident that they too have an elephant in the room. You know, an issue that at some level everybody is aware of, but for whatever reason is neither talked about nor dealt with. What I am saying is that as we work the steps we start to come out of denial, the very first of the twelve steps!

There are a number of reasons why we don’t talk about/deal with the elephant in the room. Perhaps one of them is that it’s always difficult, and that we may have no idea how to handle it. Another reason may be that we may simply want to keep the peace, such as it is! Programs like Al-Anon, which are also 12-step based, can help us to come to terms with the fact that our own behaviour may be hindering rather than helping the situation. it is not only twelve-step programs that can help of course, and all recovery programs have strengths and weaknesses. That’s because they are run by people, and nobody is perfect!. Certainly some programs are more suitable than others for dealing with our own particular elephant. But what is interesting to me, is that programs that work all seemed to have common elements, and that all of them at some level have Biblical warrant!

Common elements of Christ based recovery programs include coming out of denial, finding Hope that God can help us solve our problems, and then fully committing our lives to follow Him. At this point, there is a need to dig deeper and, in the language of twelve-step programs, to take a fearless moral inventory. This is about figuring out my part, what is my responsibility and what is not. It’s about making amends for the wrong I have done, and extending forgiveness for the wrongs done to me. We need support at this stage, I don’t think we can do this effectively alone. There is a reason that we are told to confess our faults one to another and to pray for one another, it is that this is the sure route to healing (James 5:16). It does need to be done in a safe place however, and this is where having Christ is our higher Power comes into full advantage. What I mean, is that we when we are all willing to come together to the foot of the cross in mutual submission, then we begin to see there is no difference (Romans 3:23), and this gives us the very best hope to find solutions and peace with each other!

Father, it is very clear to me that recovery is a life long process. In fact I have found that there are a number of elephants in the room. It seems that when we have dealt with the most obvious one, and continue the process of recovery, we discover smaller elephants that were invisible because of the enormity of the first one. I think we have misunderstood sanctification Lord as simply becoming holy. But more and more I am convinced that Christ centred, Biblically-based recovery programs are vehicles that You want to use to bring us into the abundant life that You have promised. I want all that You have for me Father, and I ask You again this morning Lord to do whatever it takes to keep me moving forward, and I will give You all the honour, glory and praise in Jesus name amen

Sins of the fathers visited upon the children .. but .. showing mercy .. to those who love and obey (Exodus 20:5,6 part 4)

I hear many say, who make no profession to love and obey God, “But I don’t hate God!” Actually, my observation is that many who say they don’t even believe in God hate Him!. But here, as we have been saying, the word picture is of the spousal relationship, and the words used are not about feelings, but actions. So in effect, if one spouse ignores and refuses to be in relationship with the other, the actions are indistinguishable from hate, the very opposite of love. So it is in our relationship (or lack thereof) with God.

The word “but” is important here. “But” changes everything. I bought a winning lottery ticket, but I lost it! Here, the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Him, but steadfast love and mercy to thousands who (a) love Him come and (b) obey Him (Exodus 20:5,6). So if you want your children and your children’s children, and your children’s children’s children to not fall into the traps you yourself fell into, then turning to Him, choosing to love and obey Him is the way to go!

I am currently involved in ministry in the woman’s prison in Clarenville. Many of the women interred there are separated from their children, and the pain of it is palpable. As we talk about the choices we make in life and their consequences, many of the ladies are having moments of clarity. This is akin to the prodigal son coming into his right mind (Luke 15:17). The point is, that most of us when our kids are ill, would gladly take their place if it were possible. What I’m saying, is that when we are in our right mind, we are highly motivated to do the right thing for our children. The Lord knowing this, has formed reality accordingly. He knows that when we start to see the consequences on our children of not dealing with our baggage, most of us will become highly motivated to change. But we do have to see, we do have to become willing to see!

Father, how well You know us! You know that if we are not willing to change for our own sake, we are more likely to be willing to change our children’s sake. But dealing with our baggage is so difficult many of us are still in denial about it. It’s difficult Lord, because if we come out of denial, then we will actually have to deal with what needs to be dealt with. It's hard Lord and it is painful! We need your help, I need your help. Open our eyes this morning Lord, continue to open mine. Thank You Lord that this is a prayer You delight to answer in Jesus Name Amen

I visit the sins of the fathers upon the children ….. (Exodus 20:5 part 3)

As both a father and a son, I have become increasingly aware over the years, of the baggage that was passed down to me, and the baggage I passed down to my own children. I didn’t want to pass it on, I didn’t mean to, but it happened! Coming to terms with the negative stuff I received, and the negative stuff I passed on, is part of coming out of denial, but it is also part of what motivates me to bring everything I am and have to the Lord to be forgiven and cleansed, and for Him to redeem what needs to be redeemed. I want to talk more about the redemption part in the days to come, but this morning it’s about our need to come to terms both with what we have received and what we therefore are likely to pass on, or have already passed on, and what the Lord therefore wants to redeem.

I once made the mistake of telling a domineering woman that she was manipulative. There was the devil to pay. Interestingly enough, one of the things that she said was “I won’t put up with that at home, and I won’t put up with it with you!” I don’t think she intended to admit that she had been accused of being manipulative at home. I have no doubt she was, but her angry response both with me and at home, was likely enforcing one of the unspoken but strongly held family rules “You don’t criticize mother (or father)!” This kind of family rule is quite common and strongly reenforced, as this lady did, without words. But you are not allowed to know it's a rule, and you’re not allowed to know that you are not allowed to know! It’s crazy making!

This is perhaps a little overly simplistic, but in this type of scenario you are likely to either not see through it at all, or you see it all too well and break out of it into judgement and/or blame, blame, blame. How many of us have sworn “I will never be like my dad (mum),” only to find out years later that in the things we so despise we are exactly like them? So to use extreme examples, abused children tend to be come abusers, and children of alcoholics become alcoholics. It is not an unbreakable rule of life. Thank God it’s not! It is however the default, and can occur in and all sorts of variations. For example, children of parents who are too strict, can become too permissive, and then their children and become too strict etc., etc. The good news is that God has provided a way, with our cooperation, to interrupt and redeem these cycles. Stay tuned!

Father, thank You for making it clear that it is Your intention to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to the fathers (Malachi 4:6). And the closer I get to You Lord, the more my heart seems to yearn for the reconciliation of relationships in my life that are in need of reconciliation. It’s no wonder really, because it Your heart. It hurts Lord, but then I know that it hurts You too, and it leads me to pray, and that draws me closer to You the God of all comfort. Thank You again this morning Lord for Your extravagant healing love in Jesus Name Amen

I am a jealous God ….. (Exodus 20:5 part 2)

In case you are thinking that God being jealous is a purely Old Testament concept, I want to quote James 4:4 and 5. After warning friendship with the world is enmity with God, he says “Do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?” The picture both here and in the Exodus passage, is of God as the spouse to His people. God’ s jealousy is, as He is pure, and reflects His life giving love and passion for each one of us in relationship. In fact life, both eternal and in all its fulness, is found relationship with Him (John 17:3).

Concerning His love, He loves us with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 30:3), and He dances over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17). His steadfast love and faithfulness even in the face of multiple backslidings and betrayal, is pictured in the book of Hosea. Hosea is told to marry a prostitute, who is unfaithful multiple times. Yet Hosea welcomes her back and pays the price for her deliverance. It is a picture of our redemption, and the price and the pain involved in securing it. Such love, such passion deserves an unconditional and undivided response. In fact the only a reasonable response to such extravagant healing love, is as Paul tells us, to present ourselves as living sacrifices (Romans 12:1 NKJV).

I said above, that God’s jealousy is pure. It is not capricious like human jealousy (given to sudden and unaccountable changes of mood or behaviour). And His strong emotions and desires have our very best interests at heart. He is not some Scrooge on the sky looking down in yelling “Cut that out,” whenever He sees someone having fun. And when He says “No,” it is for our provision and protection. He wants relationship, and like all healthy relationships, there needs to be boundaries. In fact any commandment He gives is to keep us safe, and to help us to move towards a life of satisfaction and fulfillment. He is jealous for our safety, for our protection and for us to secure all that He has for us. It is a Godly jealousy, and I for one welcome it!

Father, it was your passion, Your love for us that caused You to send Your one and only Son Jesus, so that anyone who puts their trust in You should not perish but have everlasting life! This expression of Your jealousy is pure and humbling, and I want to thank You for it this morning in Jesus Name Amen

I am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children (Part 1)

I think that it was in my mid-50s, that I first began to correctly understand this verse from Exodus 20:5. The context is the expanded version of first of the 10 Commandments “You shall have no other gods before Me” (verse 3). Other translations have “I punish the children for the father’s sins” (i.e. NIV). The Hebrew is ambiguous, and both translations are logically possible. However this alternative translation would contradict Ezekiel 18:20 which says “The child will not be punished for the parent's sins, and the parent will not be punished for the child's sins” (NLT). So then "visiting" is to be preferred to "punish." But what does this “visiting,” mean?

Let me start by saying that mum and dad likely represent our first view of God. I konw that for the longest time while I knew that God loved me, He was nevertheless distant, and didn’t seem to have time for me. But this was exactly the way I felt about my father. I remember one man remarking that it took him 40 years to wipe the face of his father off the face of God. And part of what this morning’s verse is saying, is that if we hold on to these inadequate views of Him, it is nothing less than idolatry. God is jealous, zealous for us to have the correct view of who He is (see next day)!

In the prison ministry in which I am involved, I hear stories over and over of abusive fathers. And if your abusive father represents your view of God, then no wonder you reject Him. But such views are false views, and need to be corrected. Jesus told us that if we want to know what the Father is like, all we have to do is to look at Him (John 14:7-9). And we see that He is merciful, gracious and full of compassion in the story of the woman taken in adultery (John 8:1-11). He does not condemn her, but tells her “Go and sin no more.” He wants to deal the very same with us. In fact "There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). It is a verse I have need over and over, especially when I have failed him!

Father, forgive us, forgive me, for believing warped and twisted false view of who You are. Thank You that I now know that You are not distant, not at all. But it is my sin, even sin that I’m not aware of, that at times keeps me from a deeper relationship with You. Thank You that as I continue to walk in the light, and as You expose what hinders, then the blood of Your Son Jesus Christ keeps on cleansing me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:7). And I am then able to draw near to You. And when I do, then You draw near to me (James 4:8). And I give You all the honour and glory and praise again this morning, in Jesus Name Amen