Marriage: The role of family


And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,“Our sister, may you become the mother of thousands of ten thousands; and may your descendants possess the gates of those who hate them” (Genesis 24:60). It was all decided,  Rebekah was to be married to Isaac and she would leave the family and go to him. Her mother was, as mothers often are, reluctant to let her go (verse 55), but Rebekah had made the decision,  and now they blessed her. The prayer was that she would be fruitful and, in a area where war was the norm,  that her clan would be the victorious one. If there was to be war the prayer was that they would not be the vanquished!

Matthew Henry comments “When our relations are entering into a new condition, we ought by prayer to commend them to the blessing and grace of God.”  In marriage we are commanded first to leave our mother and father (Genesis 2:24).  In other words, the new relationship is to be  primary. On the other hand,  though Rebekah was leaving, she would still be “our sister.” Benson comments that what that meant was they were still willing to perform all the duties of family for her.  With incomplete leaving in-laws can hinder a marriage, but with healthy family relationships they can help and much support in times of need. If we are to get through the troubles that come with marriage  (1 Corinthians 7:28), we need all the help we can get, and none of the  hindrances, thank you very much!

In terms of hindrances, in-laws who make it clear from the beginning that they don't like the spouse hinder greatly. We are as much as possible within us to live at peace with others (Romans 12:18). Taking sides, taking up the offence of a son or daughter is also very destructive.   And it can perpetuate a quarrel long after the couple has settled the dispute. Interference can be a cause of much strife.  Pressuring the couple to spend holiday celebrations with them rather than the other family is also not good, and these things need to be negotiated carefully.  

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Family is important in this too, but in this day and age like with Rebekah,  family is not always close,  and  not every family is safe.  We are however created to need community.  The family of believers can be an important  addition to it all. The Bible proclaims “how good and how pleasant it is when we dwell together on unity” (Psalm 133:1).  Unity is not about all being the same, we are all different, and as the Bible says,  in many things we all fail (James 3:2). For me the important thing is that we deal with the issues in a respectful, humble and timely way.

Father, thank You for our earthly family, and for the family of believers.  As with the characters in the Bible, not one of us is perfect, and unity is more than a challenge at times. There are many problems,  and we need grace,  understanding and patience to deal with each other.  Many times we also need Your mercy. Thank You Lord that You have promised to give these things when we ask (Hebrews 4:16). For these and many other things we give you praise in Jesus Name Amen

Marriage in different cultures

After it became clear that Rebekah was the wife the Lord had  for Isaac, her brother and father  give permission for the servant to take her and go. The servant is eager to leave the very next morning, but her mother wanted her for a few more days.  Rebekah is asked her opinion, she is willing to go,  and the matter is settled  (Genesis 24:29-58).

A casual reading of this passage might lead one to think that the only choice Rebekah had,  was that of the timing. But the servant had asked to be released from his vow if “she is not willing to come” (verse 8). What is different from our culture,  is that the father had the ultimate decision to allow it or not. We have perhaps gone to the other extreme,  and regard it as none of the parents business.  I know of a situation where a young couple rushed into marriage rather than endure a period of separation. He told me afterwards all that needed to have happened,  was for the the father of the bride to ask the man “Do you love her enough to wait?” They had concluded that if they resisted she would have got pregnant, but they had not counted on him. And he told me the question would have avoided the subsequent disaster, for he would have waited, and he knows the relationship would have fallen apart during the separation. If a relationship is not strong enough to endure a years separation say, what does that say about the ability of the relationship to endure the trials of marriage? Remember Jordon Peterson's “You're trouble,  and so am I!” To quote Paul “those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this” (1 Corinthians 7:28).  

Another area that is so very different from ours, is that Rebekah was a virgin (verse 16).  But this was the norm in Biblical times. In fact if a man seduced a virgin,  he was required to marry her,  to pay the dowry,  and not be permitted to divorce her (Deuteronomy 22:28, 29). If we believers want to do things the Lord's way, we need to come back to the commanded purity. If it is too late, as it is or was for many of us,  we need to come to a second virginity, namely abstinence outside of marriage.  And since “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28), this abstinence needs to include from pornography.

There are always reasons for God's “no.” Love in our culture has just one word,  and it is hard to distinguish it from lust. The Greek has three words. Overly simplistically there is agape – unconditional love demonstrated by the Lord on the cross. A second word is phileo – friendship love. Then there is eros, erotic or sexual love. The point is that if we engage in eros before friendship love, is established, then when the magic wears off as it will inevitably without friendship, there is noting to fall back on.

Father, I thank You for the picture You gave of salvation as the new birth (John 3:3).  It is all about being able to start over,  no matter how much we have blown it. Thank You for forgiveness, thank You for redemption,  thank You that  You make all things beautiful in Your time when we fully  embrace Your Grace to help us (Ecclesiastes 3:11; Hebrews 4:16) in Jesus Name Amen

The deal sealed for Isaac's wife: Eager to do his master's will

The Lord had clearly show Abraham's servant that Rebekah was the one for Isaac, and she went to fetched her brother Laban. We will meet him later but his character is already seen, for it is when he saw the gifted nose ring and bracelet he welcomes the servant in the name of the Lord. The servant refuses to eat until he knows if his errand is successful. He tells of Isaac,  born to Abraham in his old age,  and that Isaac has been given all that Abraham has. He is clearly very rich, for  Abraham had sent the servant with ten camels. He tells of the oath Abraham had mad him swear,  and that he would be free of it if she was not willing to come with him. He tells of his prayer at the well,  and how the Lord had answered it showing Rebekah to be the one. Laban and their father Bethuel discern it is of the Lord.  The servant bows himself to the earth and worships the Lord. He then lavishes gifts on Rebekah and her family (Genesis 24:29-52).

When reading Biblical stories, one of the questions I  like to ask if there's an example to follow.  Here the faithful servant is under and oath to accomplish a task,  he is eager to complete it, and he worships when he sees it's successful. So the first question I am asking myself here is “Does the Lord see me as faithful?” Scripture tells us that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). And I am caused to remember that after a period of victory over an addiction, that I had blown it again. I  repented and the Lord had quickly restored our fellowship together, bless Him!  When we confess He is faithful to forgive (1 John 1:9). Some time later He told me “You are faithful Phil,” and I said “but what about ...” His reply was “I don't remember that.” I understood Him to be referring to “I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more” (Jeremiah 31:34). There's no God like my God!

The servant was under an obligation to do his master's will.  Likewise we are not our own, we are bought with a price  (1 Corinthians 7:23). Paul could say  “the Love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that ...He died for all, and that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again” (2 Corinthians 5:14, 15).  The examples  of Scripture can, if we let them, inspire us to live lives that glorify God. In fact we are admonished,  that in whatever we do, to do it all to the Glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). But the example of other believers can also “provoke us to love and good works” (Hebrews 10:24 JVJ).

Father, we are quite good at provoking one another, but it's not always to love and good works!  And we come to You again this morning Lord in repentance,  asking for,  and receiving forgiveness and cleansing.  Abraham's servant was eager to do his master's will, how much more should we,  who have been purchased with the precious blood of Jesus,  be eager to please Him who loved us and gave Himself for us.  Help us to also be eager to worship You, for You are worthy.  Stir up our hearts again this morning Lord, to be those who bring You glory in Jesus Name Amen

Finding a wife for Isaac. Part 3: Guidance

Abraham's servant was told to find Isaac's wife from his family (Genesis 24:4).  “He will send His angel before you” (verse 7). Now in the right location, He waited at the well outside the city of Nahor,   praying that if the woman who came to the well was the right one,     that when he asked her for a drink she would not only give it to him,  but would also water his camels without being asked. Almost immediately the woman  Rebekah comes and does  exactly what he had asked the Lord for her to do. Receiving this confirmation  the servant gives her a golden earring and golden bracelets. As further confirmation,  she tells him she is  the daughter of Abraham's nephew Bethuel. The servant is then invited him to  with the family, and he blesses the Lord saying “As for me, being on the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master’s brethren” (verses 10-27).

Clearly the angel of the Lord had guided the servant. It was no coincidence that Rebekah was the first woman to arrive at the well, that she did as the servant had requested God that she would do and that, as Abraham had required,  she was indeed part of his family. A friend of mine says coincidences are little miracles that God does not get the credit for. It's a cute saying,  but the enemy can cause coincidences too. For that reason, it is important to note that the servant was “being on the way.” We are talking here of faith and obedience. When we step out in obedience we need to have more faith that God can guide us than the Devil has to deceive us.  The servant's prayer was not unreasonable, a positive answer would say something about her character (see last day's post), and he was not asking for the earth to swallow her up if she was the wrong one!

When asking the Lord for guidance the Bible is a primary source, but there are some things for which there is no specific verse. There is no text that told the servant Rebekah is the one. On the other hand,  in terms of marriage for the believer,  the Bible tells us clearly “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39).  After that which believer, which job, which house etc., requires something more.

 Isaiah 30:21 essential says  that being on the way, i.e when you walk in the way “you will hear a voice behind you saying this is the way walk in it.” In other words it's confirmation. The servant is following his masters directions, and we would do well,  in making important decisions,  to follow the council of  other believers. Danny Silk (Bethel Church, Redding,  California) has a premarital conciliating course that's available on DVD. He tells that after taking it some decide to go ahead, some to wait and some, now sensing disaster,  decide not to marry at all. The point is that it is in the process of  doing these things (walking in the way), the the confirmation is received.  

Father, for me seeking You in prayer, asking for wisdom (James 1:5), talking to those whose opinions I respect, these are all ingredients in making important decisions. But I also need Your peace,  and time after time as I have engaged in  the process I have heard You words of confirmation. For this and many other things I give You thanks and praise again this morning in Jesus Name Amen

Finding Isaac a wife to fulfill the promise Part 2: Character

Abraham, in sending his servant to find a bride for Isaac tells him God will send an angel to guide him, and that if the woman is not willing to come,  he is released from the oath Abraham caused him to swear. The servant leaves, arrives at Nahor  making his camels  kneel by the well at the time when women go out to draw water. He asks the Lord “Let it be that the young woman to whom I say, “Please let down your pitcher that I may drink,’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’—let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. By this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master” (Genesis 24:8-14).

In asking for a sign the servant is not answering one way of the other, the question of is there just one person whom we are supposed to marry. Matthew Henry puts it this way, in asking for a sign it is “a prayer that God would provide a good wife for his young master. It  was a good prayer indicating she should be industrious, humble, cheerful,  and hospitable. Whatever the culture, common sense  tells us, these are the proper qualifications for a wife and mother; for one who is to be a companion to her husband, the manager of domestic concerns, and trusted to form the minds of children.”

Whatever our opinion of the roles of men and women in today's culture,  it is very likely disaster to marry into incompatibility in this area. I say this, because such incompatibility is likely to be the cause of endless strife! Our culture by and large despises stay at home mums. But in my opinion,  there is great value in putting such  a very high value on the nurture of our children. It may not be for you, but why dis someone whose opinion differs from yours in this or any other regard?  Whatever happened to “different strokes for different folks?” Are we to be tolerant only of those with whom we agree?

Our culture puts a lot of value on the externals, on power, money, beauty, intelligence etc. “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).  Peter tells us  “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine cloths,  rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God (1 Peter 3:3, 4). For us men, our role model is Jesus,  meek but not mild (Matthew 5:5).  Meekness is not weakness, it is strength under control (see also Galatians 5:22, 23).  Jesus was not mild, it was not a mild man who controlled His anger by taking time to braid a whip of chords before driving the money changers out of the temple (John 2:15; see also 11 March).

Father, I confess that many of us have allowed the outward appearance, even sexual attraction to dominate our decisions about mates.  For many of us Lord, todays thoughts are too late. But thank You that You are a God who redeems.  For those for whom it's not too late, or who are starting out again after disaster, help us to not compromise our values in choosing a mate. And help us to wait, and to be guided by You  in Jesus Name Amen

Finding Isaac a wife to fulfill the promise

He who finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22).

Isaac  was 37 when Sarah died, and  Abraham tells his trusted servant to go “to my country and to my family, and take a wife for my son Isaac” (Genesis 24:2, 4). Arranged marriages are common in some parts of the world even today. It is worth noting, that not every example in the Bible is something to follow. I mean Judas went out and hung himself (Matthew 27:5)! What I am saying is to not build a theology alone on examples of what happened in Scripture. Some used scripture to justify slavery in America! But it was his Christian convictions that caused William Wilberforce to spend his entire life fighting for the abolition of slavery in Britain.  In terms of arranged marriage, the Bible is silent on it, it neither condemns not condones it. And I know of arranged marriages that are very happy.   

Abraham was old and the trusted servant was the one who ruled over all that Abraham had. If in the meantime Abraham died,  it was probably up to the servant to find a wife for Isaac. Abraham makes him swear that he will not take a wife from among the Canaanites among whom he dwelt.  Abraham no doubt was wanting Isaac to marry into the godly line. Perhaps he was remembering Lot's wife (see 22 March). In any case Abraham,  thinking of the promise to his descendants (verse 7),  is bing cautious with choosing a wife for Isaac.  

As an application of  “not from the Canaanites,”  Paul tells New Testament believers that marriage for the believer should  be “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39; 2 Corinthians 6:14; see also 23 March).  In our culture marriage is thought to be more and more redundant, and the Biblical standard of no sex outside marriage archaic (Galatians 5:19). But as I have said before when God says “no,” it is for our provision and protection.  Marriage and the divorce laws were there for the protection of the children, and the relaxing of both sexual values and those laws have produced a fatherlessness with all its attendant personal, emotional and societal dysfunction.   

The Biblical way is to leave father and mother physically,  emotionally and financially, then to covenant with the spouse and then,  and only then, to engage in the one flesh physical union (Genesis 2:24). An incomplete  leaving of parents too often results in in-laws becoming outlaws, that is causing trouble!. In the words of Jordon Peterson covenant is necessary because “You are trouble, and I'm trouble.” We might not want to admit that, but we don't know what we don't know! And I am convinced that marriage is God's primary tool to make us like Christ.  It is the  iron sharpening iron process rubbing the rough spots off each other in character polishing (Proverbs 27:17). Among the many valid reason for waiting for marriage to have sex, is that sex before marriage weakens the glue (the bonding) in our one flesh relationships.

Father, most of us have failed utterly in these things, but thank God there is forgiveness with You, so that You may be feared (Psalm. 130:4).  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. I know You tell us these things because You love us Lord,  and want the very best for us, but we find them  hard at times. Give us grace Lord to honour and obey You,  and we'll give You the glory in Jesus Name Amen

Sarah dies, Abraham barters for a burial site

Sarah died in Hebron at 127.   Abraham tells the sons of Heth that  he is a sojourner among them,  and asks for a place to bury her. Saying that he is a prince of God,  they offer any of their burial places, but Abraham calls for Ethron who owns a field with a cave  at the end. He wants to buy the cave. Ethron offers both the cave and the field for free. Abraham insists on paying, Ethron names the price and Abraham pays it.  Thus the field and the cave were deeded to Abraham,  and Sarah is buried in the cave  (Genesis 23:1-20).

The  exchange between Abraham and Ethron is public,  and serves in what would today be conducted before lawyers. The commentators agree that while the exchange is conducted in the utmost politeness, the apparent generosity is only that, apparent.  There is no such thing as a free lunch.  Knowing that Abraham was very wealthy, Ethron would have expected lavish gifts in return, probably more than the fair value for the purchase. Also Abraham only wants to buy the cave, and in a shrewd move Ethron offers both the cave and the field for free.  It is a game, Abraham can now no longer enter into true negotiation with the traditional give and take. He must take the first figure Ethron mentions for fear of insulting him in light of the  “generous offer” to gift it.

It's important to be exposed to other cultures, and other ways of doing things. As a landlord at time renting to international students, I often find them wanting to negotiate the price. I tell them ours is not a bartering culture, and that's a pity, because the very process of the exchange builds relationships. On the other hand the “my way or the highway” approach of the West, can actually sabotage them.  

The West is not without negotiation period, for example buying a house, or  a garage sale (how much do you want for your garage?). But it's not true negotiation, and has to end within one, or two offers at the most.  In some cultures the bargaining can go on for days!  Many items on the want ads are fixed and rigid. People  don't seem to realize that you start higher than your bottom line. That way both parties feel they have a bargain, it's win, win!  Bartering can spill over into the wider culture. A wall hanging in Swahili  reads “The secret of peace in marriage is negotiation.” We don't seem to know how to do this in the West! Too often it is indeed “my way or the highway!” The Biblical way is as iron sharpening iron in loving,  humble,  respectful dialog (Proverbs 27:17; Ephesians 5:33; Galatians 6:1). It needs to be two people against a problem rather than two people against each other!

A sojourner is a person who resides temporarily somewhere. Abraham waited for the New Jerusalem whose foundations and builder is God (Hebrews 11:10). We're in the same boat, and if we really got a hold of this, we would live differently!

Father, this world is not our home, and we need to live in the world but not be of the world. Help us to live counter culturally,  valuing the Judaeo-Christain heritage that we have inherited. Help us to embrace the good and work towards changing the bad. Revolution is not change! We need to be wise as serpents and as harmless as dove and we need Your help in Jesus Name Amen