The context of the Psalm we are looking at (142), is of David fleeing from King Saul who was seeking his life. David is alone and hiding in a cave. Perhaps it was dark, dank and dreary, no place you would choose to be. In verse 4 David speaks of being alone and isolated “I have no refuge, no one cares for my soul.” But between verses 4 and 5 something has happened, for in verse 5 he tells the Lord “You are my refuge, You are my portion”. Things change when we come to the Lord in our desperation, giving it all to Him and waiting on Him. It did for David, and it can for us too.
Some are reluctant to bring strong feelings to the Lord, but He can handle our anger and frustration. He is not surprised by our out of control emotions. He would that we came to Him angry even with Him, rather than stay away. And we all get angry with God at times, even if is makes no sense. Many who deny that God exists are simply angry with Him (it's just a variation of the silent treatment!). One friend refuses to admit he is angry with God because “its not logical”! We need to be honest with God, and we need to be honest with ourselves. These things are at the heart of any functional relationship. David knew that God requires “truth in the inward parts” (Psalm 51:6).
There are times when the Psalmist is brutally honest, and this gives us permission to be honest too. In the Psalms, we see real responses to real injustices, and to the trials, temptations and difficulties of life. There are times when the Psalmist feels abandoned by God, but still he comes to Him. In Psalm 13 for example David cries out “How long, Oh Lord? will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?” We can paraphrase this is "God you don't love me and you don't care". Its not true of course, but that it what it felt like! Some of the Psalms express thoughts and desires that are clearly inappropriate, as they come from an honest but bitter heart. In Psalm 137:9 we read “Happy and blessed shall he be who takes and dashes your little ones against the rock!” Of course this is not something to copy for “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:9 -see also Hebrews 12:15). The point I am making though is that we can be real with God. We know that bitterness is poison (Hebrews 12:15), but many times the pain and the injustices are so great that we need His help to get out from under it. We get that help as we come to Him, not by staying away. If we let Him, he will bring us back to the way we should go.
So then we can come to God sad, mad or bad. He is big enough to handle it. And when we come to Him, we come to one who is bigger and wiser and more powerful that we are. He has the answer we need (not necessarily the answer we want, but certainly the one we need!). He also has the ability to give us the wherewithal to do what needs to be done. When we come to God seeking His input and stay there wrestling things though with Him, then we will receive from Him what we need to get unstuck. There are two things here, we need to come, and we need to stay until faith returns and we are changed. The Psalms are a wonderful vehicle to help us in this regard.
In terms of simply coming, it is wise to stop before we even start, and ask Him both to help us and to meet us in our reading. Too often I just start reading, and I can do this without even acknowledging that He is there. It is relationship He is after and it is in intimate relationship that we will be healed.
In terms of not hurrying, like the rest of Scripture, the Palms should be thought of as concentrated Truth that needs to be “unzipped”. We should not expect to be able to speed read the Scriptures. It is far too easy to miss what is happening “between the lines”. Many of the Psalms are written as poetry, and need to be understood that way. In particular, as discussed above, the changes that took place between verses 4 and 5 (and 7) of Psalm 142 likely took some time. Neither God nor the Scriptures promise instant solutions or immediate relief. In fact it is His plan to use the trials of life to strengthen us, and put steel and integrity into our character. Peter puts it this way “Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you” (1 Peter 4:12). He also tells us that “the God of all grace...., after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast” (1 Peter 5:10 NIV).
When we “dwell in the secret place of the Most High” (Psalm 91:1) a transformation begins to take place. For one thing, we see things differently, and we receive His comfort, strength and love, and He speaks His truth into our hearts. David did not record exactly what happened in his interaction with God, or how or what He spoke to him. But we do have his response. Over and over in the beginning of this or that Psalm he comes in desperate, but he exits declaring for example “The righteous shall surround me (no longer alone and isolated), For You shall deal bountifully with me.” (Psalm 142:7 NKJV– words in brackets mine). David is expressing his faith and assurance that God will do as He has always done, and David is resting in His goodness (verse 7 NIV).
God loves us to take a hold of Him in prayer. The Scriptures show us over and over how the saints of old did this. The words of Jacob in his hour of need come to mind as in fear for his life and for those he loves, he wrestles with the Lord. He tells Him “I will not let you go until you bless me” (Genesis 32:26). This is the very opposite of the instant solutions our society has come to expect/demand. Jacob was wresting the whole night. Indeed David tells us that it is in meditating on His Word “day and night” that we become like a tree planted by the waters (Psalm 1). Jesus tells us something very similar when He says that if we continue in His Word, we will know the truth and the truth will set us free (John 8:31 ff).
Note that the emphasis is on “staying” as we read words like dwell, abide and continue. His benefits are not for those who are not willing to do anything other than rush in and out of His presence. He is after relationship, we should be too, because it is in His presence, in intimacy with Him, in the secret place, where we find grace and peace and strength. In fact this is where we find that He is everything that we need. And we are changed. As I have said before, we even get to like ourselves. It starts with me pouring out my complaint, but it ends with life and health and peace even before the circumstances change.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
I pour out my complaint to the Lord
In this Psalm from which the title of the post comes (Psalm 142), David talks about being alone with nowhere to go (no refuge). He feels like nobody cares for Him (verse 4). He is persecuted and brought very low by those who are stronger than he (verse 6). He has been ensnared (verse 3) and he feels like he is in prison (verse 7). He is feeling completely overwhelmed (verse 3). Can anybody relate?
One of the things we humans seem to be very good at is getting stuck, at least it is if you are anything like me. There have been times in my life when “stuck” is an understatement, as when the bottom has fallen out of my world. Before I became a Christian my response was to be sad, mad and bad. The first thing to change when I became a Christian was that I was less bad (certainly not perfect). At lest I like to think that there was less taking out my anger and frustration on others. What took a lot longer to change was the obsessive thought patterns (sad and mad). Thoughts about injustices done, feelings of betrayal and the desire to “give them a piece of my mind” would go round and round and round with seemingly no relief. “Overwhelmed” fits the bill for sure, as do the phrases 'unable to function normally' and 'stuck in the treadmill of my thoughts'. The need to get such thoughts out is paramount, but we need to do this carefully if it is not to be destructive.
The notion of catharsis (from the Greek 'cleansing') has been adopted by modern psychotherapy to “describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions”. The primary thought is about anger, and the patient is told let it all out. There is a certainly a time and a place for doing this, but while “'Blowing off steam' may reduce physiological stress in the short term, but this reduction may act as a reward mechanism, reinforcing the behaviour and promoting future outbursts” (phrases in quotations from Wikipedia). In a relationship where both sides are angry, it can lead to saying and doing things that end up severing of the relationship. I am not one who advocates “no fighting” in a relationship. Conflict avoidance has its own dangers as suppressing disagreement over and over is just as likely to lead to the end of a relationship as is out of control anger. When you push things under the rug, and push things under the rug, you end up with a monster there! No, if a relationship is to be anything more than superficial, we will need to fight, but we need to learn to fight fair, and we need to know when to break off and when to resume. But going to each other when we are overwhelmed or stewing might not be the best idea. As we were saying last day there are times when we may need “time out” from our relationships. But what do we do with the stuff that goes round and round and round in our hearts and minds.
The scriptures tells us that if our brother sins against us, we need to go to him (Matthew 18:15 ff). The intent is bring reconciliation, but there are times when we are just too angry, or that for whatever reason that avenue is blocked. The tendency then (or even before) is to go to some other brother and “let it all out”. There are two potential problems here. The first is that it immediately involves others in our differences. And this can make reconciliation more difficult because your friend or relative may be offended at the person you are mad with. He or she may hold a grudge long after you have forgiven. The second (and related point) is that we will likely not choose someone who is objective, – we will likely want someone to agree with us. But a true friend will speak the truth (in love) even if we do not want to hear it. There is no better friend than the Lord.
David poured out his complaint to the Lord. It was poured out, it was not a trickle. For me there have been times when my complaint was against the Lord Himself. “How could You let such and such a thing happen?” The Lord is big enough to absorb our complaints and anger. He would rather we came to Him pouring it all out, rather than stay away mad at Him. When we come, when as in David's case it was the bad done to him by others, we find comfort and strength and peace and hope and love.
These things work best when we already have an intimate relationship with the Lord. But they can also be the very means of coming into (or deepening) relationship with Him. He has promised that when we turn to Him, He will work even through the evil for our good. Note carefully this is not in spite of the evil, He is clever enough and powerful enough to use the evil itself for our good (Romans 8:28). And part of this is our drawing closer to Him in whose presence there is life (real life). Another part is our growth as we learn to stop fighting the people and circumstances that He has allowed to come into our lives to refine us. We need to trust Him even in these things. We do need to surrender. He has promised that if we trust Him with all of our hears, acknowledging how limited is our own understanding, then He will direct and guide us and in His time straighten out the crooked paths (Proverbs 3:5,6 – various versions).
One of the things we humans seem to be very good at is getting stuck, at least it is if you are anything like me. There have been times in my life when “stuck” is an understatement, as when the bottom has fallen out of my world. Before I became a Christian my response was to be sad, mad and bad. The first thing to change when I became a Christian was that I was less bad (certainly not perfect). At lest I like to think that there was less taking out my anger and frustration on others. What took a lot longer to change was the obsessive thought patterns (sad and mad). Thoughts about injustices done, feelings of betrayal and the desire to “give them a piece of my mind” would go round and round and round with seemingly no relief. “Overwhelmed” fits the bill for sure, as do the phrases 'unable to function normally' and 'stuck in the treadmill of my thoughts'. The need to get such thoughts out is paramount, but we need to do this carefully if it is not to be destructive.
The notion of catharsis (from the Greek 'cleansing') has been adopted by modern psychotherapy to “describe the act of expressing, or more accurately, experiencing the deep emotions”. The primary thought is about anger, and the patient is told let it all out. There is a certainly a time and a place for doing this, but while “'Blowing off steam' may reduce physiological stress in the short term, but this reduction may act as a reward mechanism, reinforcing the behaviour and promoting future outbursts” (phrases in quotations from Wikipedia). In a relationship where both sides are angry, it can lead to saying and doing things that end up severing of the relationship. I am not one who advocates “no fighting” in a relationship. Conflict avoidance has its own dangers as suppressing disagreement over and over is just as likely to lead to the end of a relationship as is out of control anger. When you push things under the rug, and push things under the rug, you end up with a monster there! No, if a relationship is to be anything more than superficial, we will need to fight, but we need to learn to fight fair, and we need to know when to break off and when to resume. But going to each other when we are overwhelmed or stewing might not be the best idea. As we were saying last day there are times when we may need “time out” from our relationships. But what do we do with the stuff that goes round and round and round in our hearts and minds.
The scriptures tells us that if our brother sins against us, we need to go to him (Matthew 18:15 ff). The intent is bring reconciliation, but there are times when we are just too angry, or that for whatever reason that avenue is blocked. The tendency then (or even before) is to go to some other brother and “let it all out”. There are two potential problems here. The first is that it immediately involves others in our differences. And this can make reconciliation more difficult because your friend or relative may be offended at the person you are mad with. He or she may hold a grudge long after you have forgiven. The second (and related point) is that we will likely not choose someone who is objective, – we will likely want someone to agree with us. But a true friend will speak the truth (in love) even if we do not want to hear it. There is no better friend than the Lord.
David poured out his complaint to the Lord. It was poured out, it was not a trickle. For me there have been times when my complaint was against the Lord Himself. “How could You let such and such a thing happen?” The Lord is big enough to absorb our complaints and anger. He would rather we came to Him pouring it all out, rather than stay away mad at Him. When we come, when as in David's case it was the bad done to him by others, we find comfort and strength and peace and hope and love.
These things work best when we already have an intimate relationship with the Lord. But they can also be the very means of coming into (or deepening) relationship with Him. He has promised that when we turn to Him, He will work even through the evil for our good. Note carefully this is not in spite of the evil, He is clever enough and powerful enough to use the evil itself for our good (Romans 8:28). And part of this is our drawing closer to Him in whose presence there is life (real life). Another part is our growth as we learn to stop fighting the people and circumstances that He has allowed to come into our lives to refine us. We need to trust Him even in these things. We do need to surrender. He has promised that if we trust Him with all of our hears, acknowledging how limited is our own understanding, then He will direct and guide us and in His time straighten out the crooked paths (Proverbs 3:5,6 – various versions).
Thursday, August 4, 2011
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing
There are times in life when we need to take time out. The context of the quote of the title of this post from Ecclesiastes 3:5, is that there is a time for all things. In the midst of the battles of life, we too easily finish up reacting to reacting to reacting, and when we do this escalation is the norm. Having a time out can be what councilors call an intervention. It needs to be handled carefully and Biblically.
As we will see below, part of what this means is that it is not intended to be unilateral. Unilateral withdrawals can be nothing less than a continuation of the war. We can use silences to punish, and when we do it consistently it is a form of abuse. I remember one occasion inadvertently getting in on a conversation I had no desire to be a part of. We were looking our the window at this lady's husband pottering in the garden. “He is angry with me today”, she told me, “But tomorrow he will come crawling”. It was not clear to me who had started the silences, but it was clear that this lady knew that all she had to do was to wait, and he would cave – absolute surrender. I could be wrong, but she said it a way that it felt like revenge. As I have said elsewhere, the one who loves the least, has the most power! What I am saying, is that silence can be a weapon, and this can be so hurtful to the one being punished that it can be the thing that provoked the anger in the first place.
There is a teaching of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5, that is relevant here. Paul is talking about the marriage relationship. He says “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer...” If ever there was a need for prayer, it is when we are at on going loggerheads with each other. Of course the need to devote ourselves to prayer can come when we are walking in harmony too, but this teaching is applicable to both circumstances. There are three important instructions here, that need to be followed. The first is that it needs to be by mutual consent. We need to agree together. Either party can take the initiative of course. If you know yourself well enough to know that if time out is not taken, then you will likely say something that you will later regret, then perhaps you need to take the initiative. The second thing to note is that is it “for a time”. I cannot stress this enough, you need to agree on a length of time. This should not be vague. You can of course agree to extend it (again for a mutually agreed time). If you are following the teaching (if you are fasting) it will not be for too long. So how long do you want to fast? Well how desperate is your situation? Thirdly the verse is telling us what we need to do in our time out. This is just as important as the other two points, it is for prayer and fasting, and I will say more below. This is not the time to launch into a long teaching about fasting, but I do need to say something.
One online dictionary defines fasting as “voluntarily not eating food for varying lengths of time. Fasting is used as a medical therapy for many conditions. It is also a spiritual practice.” Listen to this “Fasting can be used for nearly every chronic condition, including allergies, anxiety ..., depression .... heart disease ....., mental illness...... It is frequently prescribed as a detoxification treatment ......”
I have said elsewhere that the Lord designed the physical to be parables of the spiritual. So does the phrase “chronic condition” apply to your relationship? If it does there is going to be a need for spiritual detoxification, and the vehicle the Lord is offering is a mixture of the physical (fasting) and the spiritual (prayer).
Most people can fast for forty days without food and without danger (Luke 4:2 – remember Luke was a Physician), but this length of time should probably not be for those who are fasting for the first time. Remember it has to be by mutual agreement. How much time out do you both think you need? Will you need to do this a number of times? There is likely no quick fix for your problem! So that is the fasting part. What about prayer? We need to think of prayer in this context as much more than a grocery list of things we want to happen. In particular to prayer Biblically is to connect with God in intimacy and to allow Him into our lives and into our problems. He is the solution to every need, and He will solve our problems as we surrender to Him and His ways.
This series of posts is all about coming to the foot of the cross and staying there. In the light of this what are we talking about when we use the phrase “spiritual detoxification”? Well it is certainly going to include things like dealing with and getting rid of anger and revenge and forgiveness, self righteousness and pride and stubbornness and blame and hardness of heart. But we also need to “eat healthy”, so it also involves putting on “tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” (Colossians 3:12-15). Remember, in many things we all fail (James 3:2). But at the foot of the cross there is “Mercy and Grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). And here we see that “there is not difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The cross is a great leveller, and as we allow Him to fill us full of Himself (and the things mentioned above) there is healing and the desire to be reconciled. The point is as we realize how we fail Him over and over, and as we see His ongoing mercy extended to us, we want to extent that same mercy to others.
One last word for today. When we are at loggerheads with each other, we are likely to have out of control emotions. There is a Biblical way to deal with them, and this will form the content of next day's post. The gist of is however is that with David, we need to “Pour out our complaint to the Lord” (Psalm 142:2). More to come.
As we will see below, part of what this means is that it is not intended to be unilateral. Unilateral withdrawals can be nothing less than a continuation of the war. We can use silences to punish, and when we do it consistently it is a form of abuse. I remember one occasion inadvertently getting in on a conversation I had no desire to be a part of. We were looking our the window at this lady's husband pottering in the garden. “He is angry with me today”, she told me, “But tomorrow he will come crawling”. It was not clear to me who had started the silences, but it was clear that this lady knew that all she had to do was to wait, and he would cave – absolute surrender. I could be wrong, but she said it a way that it felt like revenge. As I have said elsewhere, the one who loves the least, has the most power! What I am saying, is that silence can be a weapon, and this can be so hurtful to the one being punished that it can be the thing that provoked the anger in the first place.
There is a teaching of Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5, that is relevant here. Paul is talking about the marriage relationship. He says “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer...” If ever there was a need for prayer, it is when we are at on going loggerheads with each other. Of course the need to devote ourselves to prayer can come when we are walking in harmony too, but this teaching is applicable to both circumstances. There are three important instructions here, that need to be followed. The first is that it needs to be by mutual consent. We need to agree together. Either party can take the initiative of course. If you know yourself well enough to know that if time out is not taken, then you will likely say something that you will later regret, then perhaps you need to take the initiative. The second thing to note is that is it “for a time”. I cannot stress this enough, you need to agree on a length of time. This should not be vague. You can of course agree to extend it (again for a mutually agreed time). If you are following the teaching (if you are fasting) it will not be for too long. So how long do you want to fast? Well how desperate is your situation? Thirdly the verse is telling us what we need to do in our time out. This is just as important as the other two points, it is for prayer and fasting, and I will say more below. This is not the time to launch into a long teaching about fasting, but I do need to say something.
One online dictionary defines fasting as “voluntarily not eating food for varying lengths of time. Fasting is used as a medical therapy for many conditions. It is also a spiritual practice.” Listen to this “Fasting can be used for nearly every chronic condition, including allergies, anxiety ..., depression .... heart disease ....., mental illness...... It is frequently prescribed as a detoxification treatment ......”
I have said elsewhere that the Lord designed the physical to be parables of the spiritual. So does the phrase “chronic condition” apply to your relationship? If it does there is going to be a need for spiritual detoxification, and the vehicle the Lord is offering is a mixture of the physical (fasting) and the spiritual (prayer).
Most people can fast for forty days without food and without danger (Luke 4:2 – remember Luke was a Physician), but this length of time should probably not be for those who are fasting for the first time. Remember it has to be by mutual agreement. How much time out do you both think you need? Will you need to do this a number of times? There is likely no quick fix for your problem! So that is the fasting part. What about prayer? We need to think of prayer in this context as much more than a grocery list of things we want to happen. In particular to prayer Biblically is to connect with God in intimacy and to allow Him into our lives and into our problems. He is the solution to every need, and He will solve our problems as we surrender to Him and His ways.
This series of posts is all about coming to the foot of the cross and staying there. In the light of this what are we talking about when we use the phrase “spiritual detoxification”? Well it is certainly going to include things like dealing with and getting rid of anger and revenge and forgiveness, self righteousness and pride and stubbornness and blame and hardness of heart. But we also need to “eat healthy”, so it also involves putting on “tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, long suffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful” (Colossians 3:12-15). Remember, in many things we all fail (James 3:2). But at the foot of the cross there is “Mercy and Grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16). And here we see that “there is not difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God” (Romans 3:23). The cross is a great leveller, and as we allow Him to fill us full of Himself (and the things mentioned above) there is healing and the desire to be reconciled. The point is as we realize how we fail Him over and over, and as we see His ongoing mercy extended to us, we want to extent that same mercy to others.
One last word for today. When we are at loggerheads with each other, we are likely to have out of control emotions. There is a Biblical way to deal with them, and this will form the content of next day's post. The gist of is however is that with David, we need to “Pour out our complaint to the Lord” (Psalm 142:2). More to come.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Living at the foot of the cross
If coming to the foot of the cross is difficult, staying there is even more so. It is however where we find fulfillment, peace, hope and joy (joy as opposed to happiness – more later). In fact this is the very reason Jesus calls us there in our quotation from last day. “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 9:23).
This verse is an invitation in some sense to die, and who would want to do that? Being willing to do that starts with seeing something in Jesus that we can find nowhere else. Why would we “desire to follow” Him? Well Jesus is pretty cool, He is amazing. He is the only one who ever practiced what He preached. “Love your enemies, ” and as they drive cruel spikes through His hands and His feet He prays “Father forgive them ...” He has appropriate words for the hypocrites, He tells it like it is speaking the truth in love, as He pours out His love even to those who reject Him (Luke 13:34). He is smart, He is kind, He is humble, He heals the sick and the broken hearted, He accepts the rejected, gives help in time of need, and invites us to share His sufferings.
Most of us find things about Jesus that are attractive, but we are less enthusiastic about the suffering, about the dying daily bit (1 Corinthians 15:31). Most of us would love to have the kind of influence that Jesus had, for deep within us is the longing to make a deep and lasting positive impact. And as we become willing to see, we know instinctively that it is in following Him, and we understand when He tells us there is a cost that we need count before we do (take up our cross daily). The cost is the rub, but it is the only way to make a deep and lasting impact, the only way to produce fruit that will remain (John 15:16). This life is not all that there is. What we do down here in the here and now impacts not only the here and now, but all eternity. We will have to give an account even of every idle word (Matthew 12:36).
I am reminded of a missionary I knew who came out of Jamaica. He tells the story of an interview he had years ago back home with a firm that exported bananas. In the interview he was asked what his life goals were, and he told of his missionary longings. They thanked him for his honesty, and then told him “We want someone who will give his life to bananas”. He told of seeing this on his tombstone “He gave his life to bananas”! This was not the legacy he was looking for!
What do you want on your tombstone? At the end of your life will you wish you had spent more time in front of the TV, or had given yourself more fully to pornography, or to the pursuit of wealth, or had had more sexual partners (with the attending broken hearts) or had been drunk more often etc., etc., etc? The things that God values are not necessarily the things we value. He values a mother who stays home because she feels that there is no more important job than raising her children, He values honestly and integrity and a willingness to go against the tide. He values those who will stand for Him in a world that is going to hell in an hand basket, those who are ready to give an answer of the hope that is within, with meekness and fear. He values those who, to the best of their ability, speak the truth in love. He values those who take up their cross daily and follow Jesus. Such people will have an impact far beyond what can be seen, such people will see and understand on that day that is was worth it all. He or she who gives even as little as a cup of cold water in the name of Jesus, will not loose their reward (Mark 9:41).
There is a cost “let him deny himself and take up his cross”. There was a cost to Jesus. We see this supremely in the garden just hours before His crucifixion “If it be possible let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but Yours” (Matthew 26:39). This kind of sacrifice only makes sense in the light (perspective) of eternity, for “if in this life only we have hope, we are to be pitied ...” (1 Corinthians 15:19).
We are told about the perspective Jesus had in Hebrews 12:2 where it says of Him “who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross despising the shame”. Part of what this is saying is that the pain and disappointments and trials and temptations of life are a barrier, the other side of which is joy. But we do need to push through the barrier, to endure, with His help to stand up under it all. The first part of the verse in the last quote tells us how to do this “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith”. We need to keep our eyes on Him, living in intimacy with Him, embracing His perspective. We need to count the cost, then set our hearts and minds to follow no matter what. This is our part. When we do this, He will meet us and He will keep that which we have committed unto Him against that day (2 Timothy 1:12). Note the balance here we commit, He keeps. The Lord always supplies, when we seek to walk in obedience, the very wherewithal to do His will (Philippians 2:13). And when we do this we “prove that His will is good and perfect and acceptable” (Romans 12:2).
This verse is an invitation in some sense to die, and who would want to do that? Being willing to do that starts with seeing something in Jesus that we can find nowhere else. Why would we “desire to follow” Him? Well Jesus is pretty cool, He is amazing. He is the only one who ever practiced what He preached. “Love your enemies, ” and as they drive cruel spikes through His hands and His feet He prays “Father forgive them ...” He has appropriate words for the hypocrites, He tells it like it is speaking the truth in love, as He pours out His love even to those who reject Him (Luke 13:34). He is smart, He is kind, He is humble, He heals the sick and the broken hearted, He accepts the rejected, gives help in time of need, and invites us to share His sufferings.
Most of us find things about Jesus that are attractive, but we are less enthusiastic about the suffering, about the dying daily bit (1 Corinthians 15:31). Most of us would love to have the kind of influence that Jesus had, for deep within us is the longing to make a deep and lasting positive impact. And as we become willing to see, we know instinctively that it is in following Him, and we understand when He tells us there is a cost that we need count before we do (take up our cross daily). The cost is the rub, but it is the only way to make a deep and lasting impact, the only way to produce fruit that will remain (John 15:16). This life is not all that there is. What we do down here in the here and now impacts not only the here and now, but all eternity. We will have to give an account even of every idle word (Matthew 12:36).
I am reminded of a missionary I knew who came out of Jamaica. He tells the story of an interview he had years ago back home with a firm that exported bananas. In the interview he was asked what his life goals were, and he told of his missionary longings. They thanked him for his honesty, and then told him “We want someone who will give his life to bananas”. He told of seeing this on his tombstone “He gave his life to bananas”! This was not the legacy he was looking for!
What do you want on your tombstone? At the end of your life will you wish you had spent more time in front of the TV, or had given yourself more fully to pornography, or to the pursuit of wealth, or had had more sexual partners (with the attending broken hearts) or had been drunk more often etc., etc., etc? The things that God values are not necessarily the things we value. He values a mother who stays home because she feels that there is no more important job than raising her children, He values honestly and integrity and a willingness to go against the tide. He values those who will stand for Him in a world that is going to hell in an hand basket, those who are ready to give an answer of the hope that is within, with meekness and fear. He values those who, to the best of their ability, speak the truth in love. He values those who take up their cross daily and follow Jesus. Such people will have an impact far beyond what can be seen, such people will see and understand on that day that is was worth it all. He or she who gives even as little as a cup of cold water in the name of Jesus, will not loose their reward (Mark 9:41).
There is a cost “let him deny himself and take up his cross”. There was a cost to Jesus. We see this supremely in the garden just hours before His crucifixion “If it be possible let this cup pass from me, nevertheless not my will but Yours” (Matthew 26:39). This kind of sacrifice only makes sense in the light (perspective) of eternity, for “if in this life only we have hope, we are to be pitied ...” (1 Corinthians 15:19).
We are told about the perspective Jesus had in Hebrews 12:2 where it says of Him “who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross despising the shame”. Part of what this is saying is that the pain and disappointments and trials and temptations of life are a barrier, the other side of which is joy. But we do need to push through the barrier, to endure, with His help to stand up under it all. The first part of the verse in the last quote tells us how to do this “looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith”. We need to keep our eyes on Him, living in intimacy with Him, embracing His perspective. We need to count the cost, then set our hearts and minds to follow no matter what. This is our part. When we do this, He will meet us and He will keep that which we have committed unto Him against that day (2 Timothy 1:12). Note the balance here we commit, He keeps. The Lord always supplies, when we seek to walk in obedience, the very wherewithal to do His will (Philippians 2:13). And when we do this we “prove that His will is good and perfect and acceptable” (Romans 12:2).
Friday, July 22, 2011
When the honeymoon is over (married or not). Positioning for restoration.
I was reminded recently by a couple I know, that I had given her away (in proxy for her father, who was on the other side of the World). “Oh”, I joked “Its all my fault!” Well this is what Adam said to God when he was confronted with his sin. Adam's opening response was “the woman You gave me … ” - in other words its the woman's fault, and its Your fault too God, for giving her to me!
I told last day of one who told me “I did not realize how selfish I am until I got married”. And I know this couple well enough to know that it really is two sided. This couple is moving in the right direction for life long fulfillment in their relationship (James 5:16).
I read somewhere that there is no place other than marriage which is guaranteed to produce more anger. We are all aware of the phrase “the honeymoon is over” and we do not need to be told what it means. When a relationship is new and exciting we have such high hopes for it, or to put it anther way, we have such high expectations. We may not say this to ourselves in words, but our hope/expectation many times is that 'this one is going to meet all my needs'. And for a while they do, until “the honeymoon is over”. Then what will we do, will we throw this relationship away too?
In the process of discovering who we are, we may need to go through the school of hard knocks in our relationship choices, in particular when they fail. Perhaps the most important thing is that we learn from these experiences. I have said elsewhere that those who go through broken relationships tend to fall into two categories, those who learn a great deal from the break up, and those who learn nothing, remaining stuck in blame and bitterness and anger!
The second group may think they have learned something (i.e. Women are %$#%%..., or men are %%#$#….). What I am talking about is learning how much we ourselves have contributed to the problem and becoming willing to do something about it. Except when one of the parties is God, there are always faults on both sides. In particular no matter who started it, we all have wrong responses to wrong responses. When there are problems, we both need to take responsibility for what has gone wrong, and to play our part in doing what needs to be done to make it work.
There is lots of advice out there about what to do. Let's look at one particular secular insight. The one I am thinking of is the idea that surrounds the buzz phrase “love deficit,” where we talk about having “empty love tanks”. If we are both demanding more that the other one is willing/able to give because of our love deficits (wounds, hurts etc.), how are we ever going to make things work? And the longer these things go the more wounding it becomes!
The solution advocated by the behavioural model, is to work at performing loving acts for each other. And who would say that this is wrong? After all we are commanded to love one another in word and deed. On the other hand, if you have been there, you will know that many times this is an uphill battle, especially when the wounds and the hurt and the sense of betrayal goes deep. What do you do when love has died, what can anyone do? Well, we need to turn to the God of resurrection.
What we need to do in this and in many other situations is to tap into the resources of heaven. In the case we are discussing, we need God to fill up our love deficits, and to resurrect love. God is after all the origin of all love, for “we love because He first loved us” (1 John4:19 NIV). What this is saying is that our ability to love at all comes from God as a response to His love for us. So the ability to have love rekindled is found in His embrace. With some situations this is the only thing that will save the relationship, in particular when it has gone on for too long, and/or there is too much hurt, too much damage and no more energy, or even desire.
We do have a part to play (our help is three pronged – Bible help, self help and God's help), but in the end when we are in relationship with God, it does not all depend on us. In Christ there is always hope. When with man it is impossible then “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). We can of course both be Christians and fail to tap into God's resources. It has to do with being filled with the fullness of God (which we are in fact commanded to be). There is an illustration that I find helpful.
Imagine this triangle with God at the top (you would have to know that I am a mathematician), and you and your partner at the other two corners. The sides represent our relationships. The bottom side represents your relationship with your partner the other two sides your individual relationships with God. This is not a fixed triangle, the corners can (and do) move. As we draw closer to God, moving up the “arms” of the triangle, we automatically move closer to each other. As as we draw apart from each other, we usually also move further away from God. We also move apart from each if one of the parties moves closer to God, but the other one does not. This is one of the reason we are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).
The point though, is that God is Love, and as we move closer to Him, He moves closer to us and pours His love into our hearts (James 4:8, Romans 5:5). Ideally we are to let His love flow through us into each other, and into this wicked and hurting World. When we are full of His strength and love and Grace and mercy and hope and peace, we have something the World does not have, and we are enabled to live the life He calls us to live.
Sounds good, it even sounds easy right? Not! It is the solution, but its not easy. You see we cannot be full of God (or love or peace or joy or hope or anything else) and at the same time be full of self, or hate or bitterness or revenge or pride, or self righteousness or be demanding our rights at the expense of the other. The Scripture describes these things as the “flesh” or as the NIV translates that word the “sinful nature”. What I am saying is that “self” pushes all these things out. But even coming to the place where we can acknowledge that we are full of self is difficult.
This brings us full circle back to what we were talking about earlier that is to come to the knife edge between debilitating guilt and indifference (or blindness, or presumption) to our sin. In this place we know we need help and become humble enough to ask for, and hence receive, it. In this place we are positioned to receive His enabling grace to help in such times of need (Hebrews 4:16). The theological word for this is repentance. It is about coming to the end of ourselves, acknowledging and turning from our sin and receive His forgiveness and Grace and mercy, His hope and joy and peace etc. In this place, there is the awareness that in many things we all fail, and this allows us to deal more gently and empathetical with each other, knowing we are both the same, that there is no real difference between us (Romans 3:23).
And our salvation, our rescue has to do with learning to live in this place. This is the secret to walking in the Spirit, in fact to living the Christian life. It starts with our agreement with God of our predicament, and our acceptance of His solution (the good news or Gospel).
There is a lot of resistance to doing this, both in the world and in our own selves. There is a sort of catch 22 here, because we can't receive the good news if we don't know the bad news, and we can't receive the bad news because we don't know the good news that we can be rescued. So the default is to continue jus with what we have “me and only me,” and none of the resources of God.
Lets unpack this a little. It seems to work like this: we resist the good news because we don't see the need, or we may not even know about it, or it may not have not been presented it in a way we were able to hear. Or it may seem just too good to be true. It may not even make any sense to us, and we may have been hardened against it by guilt trips that have been laid on us, or by the hypocrisy of some who call themselves Christian. On the other hand many times we are in denial about the bad news, which is that without Him we are totally lost. We may be in denial about the bad news because we want all our own way, or on the other hand, because it is Pandora's box. We know at least subconsciously that the problems are so deep they are unfixable. If you doubt this ask yourself if you like yourself, and if not why not? One of the good things about walking with God is that you do get to get to like yourself.
And the bad new is indeed bad. There are a lot of inconvenient truths out there and in here (in our “self life”). And they are indeed unfixable by us, but not by God. To say it again “With God all things are possible”. Life's difficulties are crossroads, in each of them we are invited to draw close to Him and in cooperation with Him bring in the Kingdom which always brings His solution. But He will not do it without our cooperation.
The second part of the title of today's post is “Positioning for restoration. So what and where it this place. To give an analogy, it is like to come to the place where like a child in a fully functional family, we can receive correction without being crushed. Part of the problem here, is that most of us are too wounded, or too proud or too self centered to admit or even see that in many things we all need to be corrected (James 3:2). Or we are too insecure, have had too much rejection in our lives to be able to hear about our faults. And part of this is because we cannot distinguish between the other persons rejection of our behaviour and rejection of our very selves. And part of this is more often than not, the person criticizing us does not make that distinction themselves. Then there is the way it it done. We spoke earlier about speaking the truth in love. But when things get bad the truth may well have been spoken, but not in love, but rather in anger and frustration or even hate.
Nevertheless, God has given us to each other warts (besetting faults) and all. Without exception, we come to each other as raw unpolished diamonds with (often) very rough edges. There is a war going on for our souls. The Evil one, wants to use these raw edges to destroy us. The Lord wants to use them to polish us into the beautiful individual diamonds He purposed before the foundations of the World that we should be (Proverbs 27:17).
To describe this place of being positioned for restoration in Biblical terms, is to say that we need to to meet Him and each other at the foot of the cross. It is in the shadow and the perspective of the cross where we see and understand all that He has done for us. It is here where we see that there is indeed no difference between us, for indeed all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). It is here, in the light of His sacrifice, and of all the pain He was willing to suffer for you and I, that our own relationship pain is put into perspective; where we stop demanding our rights, and start to follow His example of respectful loving giving. It is here where we start to become willing to see, and take responsibility for, our own part in it all. Indeed it is probably only here, under His tender love and care and unconditional acceptance, that we receive enough from Him that we become secure enough to start to see where we have failed, where we have been selfish and self centered; where we take our eyes off “me” and where with the hymn writer we sing of being “ransomed, healed, restored forgiven” and we declare “who like me His praise should sing”.
At the foot of the cross, we start to see just how much we have needed to be forgiven, and to return over and over to Him for restoration and healing and love and joy and forgiveness and acceptance. When we come to this place and stay there, it becomes unthinkable that we should not in return forgive our partners and be willing to be fully restored to each other. It is here that we see that He has indeed “broken down the dividing walls between us” (Ephesians 2:4), and it is here where we start to cooperate with Him in His primary purpose that in the fullness of time He would unite all things in Him (Ephesians 1:10).
Jesus told us “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 9:23). When we do this we are indeed being positioned for restoration. Are you willing to follow Him in this way, am I? It is the only way to fly! We need His help. More to come.
I told last day of one who told me “I did not realize how selfish I am until I got married”. And I know this couple well enough to know that it really is two sided. This couple is moving in the right direction for life long fulfillment in their relationship (James 5:16).
I read somewhere that there is no place other than marriage which is guaranteed to produce more anger. We are all aware of the phrase “the honeymoon is over” and we do not need to be told what it means. When a relationship is new and exciting we have such high hopes for it, or to put it anther way, we have such high expectations. We may not say this to ourselves in words, but our hope/expectation many times is that 'this one is going to meet all my needs'. And for a while they do, until “the honeymoon is over”. Then what will we do, will we throw this relationship away too?
In the process of discovering who we are, we may need to go through the school of hard knocks in our relationship choices, in particular when they fail. Perhaps the most important thing is that we learn from these experiences. I have said elsewhere that those who go through broken relationships tend to fall into two categories, those who learn a great deal from the break up, and those who learn nothing, remaining stuck in blame and bitterness and anger!
The second group may think they have learned something (i.e. Women are %$#%%..., or men are %%#$#….). What I am talking about is learning how much we ourselves have contributed to the problem and becoming willing to do something about it. Except when one of the parties is God, there are always faults on both sides. In particular no matter who started it, we all have wrong responses to wrong responses. When there are problems, we both need to take responsibility for what has gone wrong, and to play our part in doing what needs to be done to make it work.
There is lots of advice out there about what to do. Let's look at one particular secular insight. The one I am thinking of is the idea that surrounds the buzz phrase “love deficit,” where we talk about having “empty love tanks”. If we are both demanding more that the other one is willing/able to give because of our love deficits (wounds, hurts etc.), how are we ever going to make things work? And the longer these things go the more wounding it becomes!
The solution advocated by the behavioural model, is to work at performing loving acts for each other. And who would say that this is wrong? After all we are commanded to love one another in word and deed. On the other hand, if you have been there, you will know that many times this is an uphill battle, especially when the wounds and the hurt and the sense of betrayal goes deep. What do you do when love has died, what can anyone do? Well, we need to turn to the God of resurrection.
What we need to do in this and in many other situations is to tap into the resources of heaven. In the case we are discussing, we need God to fill up our love deficits, and to resurrect love. God is after all the origin of all love, for “we love because He first loved us” (1 John4:19 NIV). What this is saying is that our ability to love at all comes from God as a response to His love for us. So the ability to have love rekindled is found in His embrace. With some situations this is the only thing that will save the relationship, in particular when it has gone on for too long, and/or there is too much hurt, too much damage and no more energy, or even desire.
We do have a part to play (our help is three pronged – Bible help, self help and God's help), but in the end when we are in relationship with God, it does not all depend on us. In Christ there is always hope. When with man it is impossible then “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). We can of course both be Christians and fail to tap into God's resources. It has to do with being filled with the fullness of God (which we are in fact commanded to be). There is an illustration that I find helpful.
Imagine this triangle with God at the top (you would have to know that I am a mathematician), and you and your partner at the other two corners. The sides represent our relationships. The bottom side represents your relationship with your partner the other two sides your individual relationships with God. This is not a fixed triangle, the corners can (and do) move. As we draw closer to God, moving up the “arms” of the triangle, we automatically move closer to each other. As as we draw apart from each other, we usually also move further away from God. We also move apart from each if one of the parties moves closer to God, but the other one does not. This is one of the reason we are told not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).
The point though, is that God is Love, and as we move closer to Him, He moves closer to us and pours His love into our hearts (James 4:8, Romans 5:5). Ideally we are to let His love flow through us into each other, and into this wicked and hurting World. When we are full of His strength and love and Grace and mercy and hope and peace, we have something the World does not have, and we are enabled to live the life He calls us to live.
Sounds good, it even sounds easy right? Not! It is the solution, but its not easy. You see we cannot be full of God (or love or peace or joy or hope or anything else) and at the same time be full of self, or hate or bitterness or revenge or pride, or self righteousness or be demanding our rights at the expense of the other. The Scripture describes these things as the “flesh” or as the NIV translates that word the “sinful nature”. What I am saying is that “self” pushes all these things out. But even coming to the place where we can acknowledge that we are full of self is difficult.
This brings us full circle back to what we were talking about earlier that is to come to the knife edge between debilitating guilt and indifference (or blindness, or presumption) to our sin. In this place we know we need help and become humble enough to ask for, and hence receive, it. In this place we are positioned to receive His enabling grace to help in such times of need (Hebrews 4:16). The theological word for this is repentance. It is about coming to the end of ourselves, acknowledging and turning from our sin and receive His forgiveness and Grace and mercy, His hope and joy and peace etc. In this place, there is the awareness that in many things we all fail, and this allows us to deal more gently and empathetical with each other, knowing we are both the same, that there is no real difference between us (Romans 3:23).
And our salvation, our rescue has to do with learning to live in this place. This is the secret to walking in the Spirit, in fact to living the Christian life. It starts with our agreement with God of our predicament, and our acceptance of His solution (the good news or Gospel).
There is a lot of resistance to doing this, both in the world and in our own selves. There is a sort of catch 22 here, because we can't receive the good news if we don't know the bad news, and we can't receive the bad news because we don't know the good news that we can be rescued. So the default is to continue jus with what we have “me and only me,” and none of the resources of God.
Lets unpack this a little. It seems to work like this: we resist the good news because we don't see the need, or we may not even know about it, or it may not have not been presented it in a way we were able to hear. Or it may seem just too good to be true. It may not even make any sense to us, and we may have been hardened against it by guilt trips that have been laid on us, or by the hypocrisy of some who call themselves Christian. On the other hand many times we are in denial about the bad news, which is that without Him we are totally lost. We may be in denial about the bad news because we want all our own way, or on the other hand, because it is Pandora's box. We know at least subconsciously that the problems are so deep they are unfixable. If you doubt this ask yourself if you like yourself, and if not why not? One of the good things about walking with God is that you do get to get to like yourself.
And the bad new is indeed bad. There are a lot of inconvenient truths out there and in here (in our “self life”). And they are indeed unfixable by us, but not by God. To say it again “With God all things are possible”. Life's difficulties are crossroads, in each of them we are invited to draw close to Him and in cooperation with Him bring in the Kingdom which always brings His solution. But He will not do it without our cooperation.
The second part of the title of today's post is “Positioning for restoration. So what and where it this place. To give an analogy, it is like to come to the place where like a child in a fully functional family, we can receive correction without being crushed. Part of the problem here, is that most of us are too wounded, or too proud or too self centered to admit or even see that in many things we all need to be corrected (James 3:2). Or we are too insecure, have had too much rejection in our lives to be able to hear about our faults. And part of this is because we cannot distinguish between the other persons rejection of our behaviour and rejection of our very selves. And part of this is more often than not, the person criticizing us does not make that distinction themselves. Then there is the way it it done. We spoke earlier about speaking the truth in love. But when things get bad the truth may well have been spoken, but not in love, but rather in anger and frustration or even hate.
Nevertheless, God has given us to each other warts (besetting faults) and all. Without exception, we come to each other as raw unpolished diamonds with (often) very rough edges. There is a war going on for our souls. The Evil one, wants to use these raw edges to destroy us. The Lord wants to use them to polish us into the beautiful individual diamonds He purposed before the foundations of the World that we should be (Proverbs 27:17).
To describe this place of being positioned for restoration in Biblical terms, is to say that we need to to meet Him and each other at the foot of the cross. It is in the shadow and the perspective of the cross where we see and understand all that He has done for us. It is here where we see that there is indeed no difference between us, for indeed all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). It is here, in the light of His sacrifice, and of all the pain He was willing to suffer for you and I, that our own relationship pain is put into perspective; where we stop demanding our rights, and start to follow His example of respectful loving giving. It is here where we start to become willing to see, and take responsibility for, our own part in it all. Indeed it is probably only here, under His tender love and care and unconditional acceptance, that we receive enough from Him that we become secure enough to start to see where we have failed, where we have been selfish and self centered; where we take our eyes off “me” and where with the hymn writer we sing of being “ransomed, healed, restored forgiven” and we declare “who like me His praise should sing”.
At the foot of the cross, we start to see just how much we have needed to be forgiven, and to return over and over to Him for restoration and healing and love and joy and forgiveness and acceptance. When we come to this place and stay there, it becomes unthinkable that we should not in return forgive our partners and be willing to be fully restored to each other. It is here that we see that He has indeed “broken down the dividing walls between us” (Ephesians 2:4), and it is here where we start to cooperate with Him in His primary purpose that in the fullness of time He would unite all things in Him (Ephesians 1:10).
Jesus told us “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 9:23). When we do this we are indeed being positioned for restoration. Are you willing to follow Him in this way, am I? It is the only way to fly! We need His help. More to come.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
How much do you love your children?
The other day I was at the beach here in Newfoundland, at a place where there is a brook that, through a pond, empties out into the sea. At that place there is a shallow, but strong current. A young boy got caught up in it. I was watching, and before I even started to realize he was in danger and not merely playing, his mother came hurtling past me and jumped fully clothed into the water to rescue him.
She was in no real danger herself, but I had the impression it would not have made any difference, she would have jumped in anyway. Such is a mother's love for her child. How about you, how much would you be willing to risk to save your child? When our kids are ill, most of us would gladly exchange our health for our child's illness. We hate to see our children suffering. So how much do you love your children? Here is the challenge: Are you willing to be made whole? Let me say it slightly differently, are you willing to do the hard work of recovery in your personal life and in your relationships (see “Do you want to be made whole” 27th July 2010)? Because if you are not, you can be sure that you will be leaving your children with all the problems you have and then some.
There is a poem by Philip Larkin, that I will change slightly:
They mess you up, your mum and dad,
they may not mean to, but they do,
they load you down with all their sins
and add some others just for you.
He goes on to explain that of course they were messed up too. I have come to the realization that, though we will never be perfect, what we can do is to leave our children with the example of dealing with our stuff. When we do not deal with our issues, stuffing them under the carpet, what finishes up under the carpet is a monster. And if we cannot deal with the issues when they are small enough to push under the rug, how will we deal with the monster we have created by putting off dealing with them? Remember the default is for our children to fall into the same patterns. In order not to, they need to be more mature than we are. Where will they learn this?
And when we deal with our stuff we will have more influence with our children. We will be able to share (hopefully with gentleness and humility) the experience of breakthrough. When they see this, and they will eventually, they will be much more likely to deal with their stuff, and hence come to breakthrough themselves. But how can we expect them to deal with their stuff when we have not been willing to deal with ours?
I have seen it over and over, parents who truly love their children, but are not willing to go for marriage counseling, not willing to change, stuck in blaming the other, deaf to each others pain. We do love our children, but in the midst of all of this it is far too easy to close our eyes to the impact our life choices, and in particular our relationship choices, have on our children. Modern research is showing that adult children of divorce (or the equivalent) suffer from life long trauma because of it. We don't want to see it, because if we do, then we just might have to do something about it.
There is a relevant warning, in the midst of the 10 commandments (Exodus 20:5), “The sins of the fathers (and mothers) are visited (impact severely and devastatingly) upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me (demonstrating this by disobeying the commandments I have given)”. The words in brackets are mine. The next verse tells how to reverse this trend (see 15th August 2010). But the point I want to make here, is that the Lord knows that if and when we start to fully understand the extent to which our poor choices negatively impact our children, then we will be a lot more motivated to do something about our “stuff”. Paul in Colossians 1:9 prays that the Colossians would be “filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding”. The point is that most of us, if we saw things as they really are, would be willing to move heaven and earth to change what needs to be changed. And such change is always towards wholeness and righteousness, and walking in love and Biblical integrity. To repeat a phrase I use often, these things are not only good and right and proper, they are smart, and they are loving.
We give up far too easily on relationships. We change churches at the drop of a hat, as we do “significant others”. And a very big part of the problem is that we are not willing to deal with our stuff. Most times we don't even see it. It is called denial. We see the other person's baggage, but many times not our own. When we do not deal with our stuff, our relationship interactions inevitably develop in dysfunctional ways. The Scripture commands two things in this context, love and respect (see Ephesians 5:25-32). I often hear “But I don't love him (her) anymore”. But the Scripture tells us to “love one another” (1 John 4:7). Are you tempted to ask me “Are you deaf, I just told you, I don't love him”? Well no I am not deaf, I am simply telling that when the feelings of love have gone, the commandment to love kicks in. We are told “let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). The love with which we are commanded to love is not simply a command to feel love! When we commit to love, the feelings will eventually follow (return).
What are the alternatives, and what are we teaching our children when we give up on our relationships? Are we not by example teaching “If a relationship is not working, trash it”? The divorce rates of adult children of divorce are much higher than that of the general population. Don't take my word for it check it out!
And what are we teaching them about attitudes? The second of the two commands I mentioned above is to respect one another to “esteem others better than ourselves” (Philippians 2:3). They say attitudes are caught rather than taught. What about our attitudes to our significant other? If you do not respect your spouse, how will your daughter or son respect his or her's. Yes they do have a choice, but the default (most of the time) is that such attitudes are caught and repeated.
When things get really bad, most of us need help. More likely than not, most times without even realizing it, we have trained each other to deal with each other, in the ways that we do. We do it through conflict avoidance, manipulative anger or punishing silences. We do it through control, because we don't know of any other way to do it. We get stuck in reaction to reaction to reaction. We need to let God (often with the help of a counselor) back into our relationships. When a relationship is not working, we will need to renegotiate it. It works best when both of us are willing to do it. We can start by confessing to each other, that we have not loved as we should, we have bad attitudes and have held each other in disrespect. Many times in a relationship break down, a radical disrespect can be found in one or the other partners. What the one who exhibits such disrespect does not usually realize, is that their attitude plays a significant role in keeping the other one stuck.
I know of no better place to see this than the movie “When a man loves a woman” with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. Meg plays the role of the alcoholic wife, who eventually goes to detox. She tells him, “If you ever leave me I will die”. When she comes out of detox, she throws him our of the house. Watch the movie and observe his attitude, and you will see what I am talking about. Let me say this. The faults are never one sided, never! We don't see it of course, Andy Garcia did not in the movie!
So do you love your children? Do you love them enough to do the hard work of making your relationships work, of renegotiating the relationship according to Biblical norms? I don't pretend that it is easy. You might find out that you are not as innocent in terms of blame as you imagine yourself to be. One person told me recently “I did not realize how selfish I am until I got married”. There is much hope for that marriage. This doing the necessary hard work in relationships is not common, but you can be sure of one thing, the emotional health of our children (future children) is as stake. We will never be perfect, but we what we can do, is leave them with the example of entering into recovery. It is the perhaps the most significant thing we can do, it is perhaps the best way to love them.
The good thing with God by the way, is that it is never too late to start. While we yet have breath, it is not too late to claim His promises, in particular that He will “visit” the blessings of His steadfast love and mercy on the children's children's children of those who turn to Him and obey His commandments (Exodus 20:6). This promise is, perhaps even especially, for those of us who have failed. More explicitly He will, when we turn to Him, start the process of restoration. He will restore the “years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). What is left when a plague of locus has gone through, looks like total destruction, but He is still able to restore. With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible! He is waiting for us to turn and to obey.
She was in no real danger herself, but I had the impression it would not have made any difference, she would have jumped in anyway. Such is a mother's love for her child. How about you, how much would you be willing to risk to save your child? When our kids are ill, most of us would gladly exchange our health for our child's illness. We hate to see our children suffering. So how much do you love your children? Here is the challenge: Are you willing to be made whole? Let me say it slightly differently, are you willing to do the hard work of recovery in your personal life and in your relationships (see “Do you want to be made whole” 27th July 2010)? Because if you are not, you can be sure that you will be leaving your children with all the problems you have and then some.
There is a poem by Philip Larkin, that I will change slightly:
They mess you up, your mum and dad,
they may not mean to, but they do,
they load you down with all their sins
and add some others just for you.
He goes on to explain that of course they were messed up too. I have come to the realization that, though we will never be perfect, what we can do is to leave our children with the example of dealing with our stuff. When we do not deal with our issues, stuffing them under the carpet, what finishes up under the carpet is a monster. And if we cannot deal with the issues when they are small enough to push under the rug, how will we deal with the monster we have created by putting off dealing with them? Remember the default is for our children to fall into the same patterns. In order not to, they need to be more mature than we are. Where will they learn this?
And when we deal with our stuff we will have more influence with our children. We will be able to share (hopefully with gentleness and humility) the experience of breakthrough. When they see this, and they will eventually, they will be much more likely to deal with their stuff, and hence come to breakthrough themselves. But how can we expect them to deal with their stuff when we have not been willing to deal with ours?
I have seen it over and over, parents who truly love their children, but are not willing to go for marriage counseling, not willing to change, stuck in blaming the other, deaf to each others pain. We do love our children, but in the midst of all of this it is far too easy to close our eyes to the impact our life choices, and in particular our relationship choices, have on our children. Modern research is showing that adult children of divorce (or the equivalent) suffer from life long trauma because of it. We don't want to see it, because if we do, then we just might have to do something about it.
There is a relevant warning, in the midst of the 10 commandments (Exodus 20:5), “The sins of the fathers (and mothers) are visited (impact severely and devastatingly) upon the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me (demonstrating this by disobeying the commandments I have given)”. The words in brackets are mine. The next verse tells how to reverse this trend (see 15th August 2010). But the point I want to make here, is that the Lord knows that if and when we start to fully understand the extent to which our poor choices negatively impact our children, then we will be a lot more motivated to do something about our “stuff”. Paul in Colossians 1:9 prays that the Colossians would be “filled with the knowledge of His will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding”. The point is that most of us, if we saw things as they really are, would be willing to move heaven and earth to change what needs to be changed. And such change is always towards wholeness and righteousness, and walking in love and Biblical integrity. To repeat a phrase I use often, these things are not only good and right and proper, they are smart, and they are loving.
We give up far too easily on relationships. We change churches at the drop of a hat, as we do “significant others”. And a very big part of the problem is that we are not willing to deal with our stuff. Most times we don't even see it. It is called denial. We see the other person's baggage, but many times not our own. When we do not deal with our stuff, our relationship interactions inevitably develop in dysfunctional ways. The Scripture commands two things in this context, love and respect (see Ephesians 5:25-32). I often hear “But I don't love him (her) anymore”. But the Scripture tells us to “love one another” (1 John 4:7). Are you tempted to ask me “Are you deaf, I just told you, I don't love him”? Well no I am not deaf, I am simply telling that when the feelings of love have gone, the commandment to love kicks in. We are told “let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). The love with which we are commanded to love is not simply a command to feel love! When we commit to love, the feelings will eventually follow (return).
What are the alternatives, and what are we teaching our children when we give up on our relationships? Are we not by example teaching “If a relationship is not working, trash it”? The divorce rates of adult children of divorce are much higher than that of the general population. Don't take my word for it check it out!
And what are we teaching them about attitudes? The second of the two commands I mentioned above is to respect one another to “esteem others better than ourselves” (Philippians 2:3). They say attitudes are caught rather than taught. What about our attitudes to our significant other? If you do not respect your spouse, how will your daughter or son respect his or her's. Yes they do have a choice, but the default (most of the time) is that such attitudes are caught and repeated.
When things get really bad, most of us need help. More likely than not, most times without even realizing it, we have trained each other to deal with each other, in the ways that we do. We do it through conflict avoidance, manipulative anger or punishing silences. We do it through control, because we don't know of any other way to do it. We get stuck in reaction to reaction to reaction. We need to let God (often with the help of a counselor) back into our relationships. When a relationship is not working, we will need to renegotiate it. It works best when both of us are willing to do it. We can start by confessing to each other, that we have not loved as we should, we have bad attitudes and have held each other in disrespect. Many times in a relationship break down, a radical disrespect can be found in one or the other partners. What the one who exhibits such disrespect does not usually realize, is that their attitude plays a significant role in keeping the other one stuck.
I know of no better place to see this than the movie “When a man loves a woman” with Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia. Meg plays the role of the alcoholic wife, who eventually goes to detox. She tells him, “If you ever leave me I will die”. When she comes out of detox, she throws him our of the house. Watch the movie and observe his attitude, and you will see what I am talking about. Let me say this. The faults are never one sided, never! We don't see it of course, Andy Garcia did not in the movie!
So do you love your children? Do you love them enough to do the hard work of making your relationships work, of renegotiating the relationship according to Biblical norms? I don't pretend that it is easy. You might find out that you are not as innocent in terms of blame as you imagine yourself to be. One person told me recently “I did not realize how selfish I am until I got married”. There is much hope for that marriage. This doing the necessary hard work in relationships is not common, but you can be sure of one thing, the emotional health of our children (future children) is as stake. We will never be perfect, but we what we can do, is leave them with the example of entering into recovery. It is the perhaps the most significant thing we can do, it is perhaps the best way to love them.
The good thing with God by the way, is that it is never too late to start. While we yet have breath, it is not too late to claim His promises, in particular that He will “visit” the blessings of His steadfast love and mercy on the children's children's children of those who turn to Him and obey His commandments (Exodus 20:6). This promise is, perhaps even especially, for those of us who have failed. More explicitly He will, when we turn to Him, start the process of restoration. He will restore the “years the locusts have eaten” (Joel 2:25). What is left when a plague of locus has gone through, looks like total destruction, but He is still able to restore. With man it is impossible, but with God all things are possible! He is waiting for us to turn and to obey.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Is the scientific method valid?
Is the question “Is the Scientific method valid?” a silly question? It may not be as silly as it looks. I ask you to bear with me, for a moment. I do have a point to make. Most of us would answer the inside question “Of course the scientific method is valid!” Well how do we know? Well everyone accepts it. Well yes, but at one time it was widely accepted that the earth was flat, and that the sun revolved around the earth. Did that make it true? Well no, but that's different. Well how is it different? Today we know better! Okay so will we know better tomorrow that the scientific method is wrong?
Let's take another tact. Some would suggest that the scientific method is correct because it works. But are we saying that using the Scientific method nobody has ever made a mistake? Well no, but when mistakes are made it is because the scientific method was not used properly. But how do you know in advance if it is always the method that is used incorrectly or if the method itself is wrong. To prove this scientifically, we would need to set up a repeatable scientific experiment to see if, whenever a mistake was made, we could always find a mistake in the procedure rather than in the method. First of all good luck in designing such an experiment, but secondly how would we know that that experiment itself was not flawed? In other words how could that experiment validate itself? The point I am making is not there there is no validity in the Scientific method, but merely that the Scientific method cannot be used to validate itself. This would be a circular argument. To put it another way, if we accept that the scientific method is valid, we do so by faith.
So do I believe that the Scientific method is valid? Well yes within the limited range of questions the scientific method is equipped to answer, I believe that the scientific method is valid. Let me say more!
Firstly there are many things the scientific method is not equipped to answer. Such questions include, for example “Does the wife love me” (see I know too much Science to believe in God” June 2010), or “Does God exist”. Secondly my belief that the Scientific method is valid is of course a position of faith. I cannot prove it. It is however reasonable to me, because of other beliefs that I have. I believe that “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth”. Because God is creative and intelligent, it makes sense to systematically examine what He created. This in fact was the presupposition that lead to the existence of modern science in the first place. So modern science was born in the Christian West, not in the polytheistic east. This is precisely because an intelligent God was believe to have created an intelligible creation. Why else would it make sense to systematically investigate creation? If it all came about by chance, why would it be governed by discernible laws? Would you expect meaningful literature to come from an explosion at the print factory? Why would you even bother looking?
Let's take another tact. Some would suggest that the scientific method is correct because it works. But are we saying that using the Scientific method nobody has ever made a mistake? Well no, but when mistakes are made it is because the scientific method was not used properly. But how do you know in advance if it is always the method that is used incorrectly or if the method itself is wrong. To prove this scientifically, we would need to set up a repeatable scientific experiment to see if, whenever a mistake was made, we could always find a mistake in the procedure rather than in the method. First of all good luck in designing such an experiment, but secondly how would we know that that experiment itself was not flawed? In other words how could that experiment validate itself? The point I am making is not there there is no validity in the Scientific method, but merely that the Scientific method cannot be used to validate itself. This would be a circular argument. To put it another way, if we accept that the scientific method is valid, we do so by faith.
So do I believe that the Scientific method is valid? Well yes within the limited range of questions the scientific method is equipped to answer, I believe that the scientific method is valid. Let me say more!
Firstly there are many things the scientific method is not equipped to answer. Such questions include, for example “Does the wife love me” (see I know too much Science to believe in God” June 2010), or “Does God exist”. Secondly my belief that the Scientific method is valid is of course a position of faith. I cannot prove it. It is however reasonable to me, because of other beliefs that I have. I believe that “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth”. Because God is creative and intelligent, it makes sense to systematically examine what He created. This in fact was the presupposition that lead to the existence of modern science in the first place. So modern science was born in the Christian West, not in the polytheistic east. This is precisely because an intelligent God was believe to have created an intelligible creation. Why else would it make sense to systematically investigate creation? If it all came about by chance, why would it be governed by discernible laws? Would you expect meaningful literature to come from an explosion at the print factory? Why would you even bother looking?
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