One of the episodes of the Simpsons that for some reason sticks with me, is the one where Bart claims “I didn't do it”, when it was perfectly obvious that he did. He became famous for this one liner, went on TV etc. It was thought to be “cute.” It's not so cute when we do this as adults, but I suspect that at some level we all have done it, and continue to do it. Let me ask you this “Can you think of something in your past of which you are ashamed, something you do not want anyone to know?” I would be surprised if the answer was “no”. Admitting it, is another thing!
One community that I was a part of for a time, had this thing about being mature. It was a crock actually, a way of keeping people from dealing with what needed to be dealt with. It works like this, you accuse someone of being hyper sensitive when you have hurt their feelings, and then imply that if they were more mature, they would be able to overlook it. In the meantime it allows you to ride rough shot over the other persons genuine needs and desires. Its called control. Whatever else this is, it is not maturity, and it is does not foster Christian community! In fact it is one of the things that prevents it.
There is often a deep woundedness that lies behind this kind of control. More than likely it is covering a stronghold of shame, fear and control. Such strongholds start with the shame (the painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace). They continue with fear “what would people think if they knew?” And the fear progresses to control “I must prevent them from knowing about this, I must be very guarded”. Such control spills over into a way of dealing with life.
The best way to make sure that no-one finds out, is to erect walls and keep people at a distance. This way they will never find out. The problem with walls though, is that while they may at some level keep the bad out, they also keep the bad in and the good out. When a wound is not cleansed it festers, and this is what happens with our shame. It festers and increase, deepening our sense of shame. The whole cycle starts over, and becomes more and more entrenched. It leaves us lonely and isolated, and in some cases driven.
How to escape the cycle? We need to find safe places where we can be real and open and honest. Unfortunately even church can be shame based, that is driven by the need to appear whole and mature even when we are not. You would not claim you could play the piano if you could not! It would be too easy to be shown to be false. But if we did, in order to avoid being caught out, we might avoid anyone who owned a piano. We do the same sort of thing when we are trapped in a shame fear control cycle. Such strongholds cannot co-exist in the long run, with genuine Christian fellowship. If a shame based person (one described above) is part of a fellowship then one of three things will happen. Either the whole fellowship will become (or remain) shame based, or the shame based person will leave. The third option is that the fellowship will be deep enough to love the shame based person unconditionally and that person will eventually feel safe enough to open up and find healing in the process.
Unfortunately places such as I have just described are rare. The default is for us to “pretend we can play the piano when we cannot”. And this false maturity results and has resulted in multitudes of people out there, being deeply hurt by Church. Those of us who understand and are willing to be vulnerable need to create safe places. It is not easy, not the least of which is because we are likely to be shamed in the process (it is part of the control, driven by fear). But it is Christlike, He too was a wounded healer (Isaiah 53:5). It is the only way forward, and it is, and will in the end be seen to be, worth it!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
She did pee-pees on the pot Grandpa, and she's only 23!
I got a call from my daughter with the good news. Isn't that great? And she's is only 23. Isn’t' that amazing? By the way, it's twenty three months, not years. Yes, I am messing with you!
Is it a coincidence that within the same 24 hour period, I was reminded of the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things”? A friend of mine says that coincidences are little miracles that God does not get the credit for. Of course the fellow with the pitch fork can engineer coincidences too!
What is my point? It would be sad if the toilet training of our children was not accomplished until their twenties. It is also sad when we carry many of the ways we learned to cope as children, into adulthood. They say things happen in threes, and still within same 24 hour period of the above “coincidence”, it was brought to my attention just how much I still have to learn that at some level is “elementary my dear Watson”. I was sharing with a friend about a hard won life lesson, and he in all his wisdom and maturity told me “duh!” It was so obvious to him, but for me it was a lesson painfully learned, and his “duh” had shades of 'how could you have fallen for that, stupid?' attached to it. A moment of insensitivity perhaps ('don't quit your day job to go into counseling'), but as I say it brought home how often we (I don't believe it's just me), operate as adults out of the scars and ways we learned to cope, as children.
And more often than not, we don't see it. And more often than not, the Lord will bring it to our attention through relationship difficulties. Take it as a given we don't want to see it. The problem seem to be that if we admit that there is a problem, then we will (should at any rate) have to deal with it. And it's so much easier to blame the other person. And there will always be things about the other person that we can focus on, and so avoid having to deal with our own garbage!
There is a recovery saying that rings bells with me. It is this “We will not change until the pain of staying the same gets greater than the pain and fear of changing”. How many people come out of a broken marriage, for example, and because they have not dealt with their stuff, make exactly the same mistake in the second and even subsequent marriages. But we all do this at one level or another. Do you believe the Bible? It says in James 3:2 “In many things we all fail”. Yes it is one of my favourite quotes. But let me ask you this 'Do you know experientially that this verse is true of you?' We tend to fall into two categories, those who are painfully aware of it, and those who don't have a clue. But even those of us who are painfully aware of their faults, usually are thinking of but a single fault (an addiction for example). The verse says 'many things'. In particular, though addictions take on a life of their own, they usually start as symptom of things (plural) not dealt with (as for example a way of dulling our pain). They tell me that insanity is the result of not dealing properly with our pain. I am beginning to suspect that all dysfunction has its beginning in the same source.
We pick up so much of this from our environment. When we are children, we just don't have the skills to do anything else. But when we are adults, we need to learn to start dealing with our stuff. When we don't, we will try to pretend that we have, that we are mature, and we will need to hide and wear masks. We become isolated because if we let people near, they might just discover who we really are and reject us.
There is too little teaching on these things in the church, so that too many of us stay babes in Christ. It is through knowledge that the righteous are delivered (Proverbs 11:9). I have found in some ways that I have more in common with the non-Christian who is in recovery, than I have with the Christian who is not. The differences between Christians and non-Christians in recovery seem to be two. Firstly we Christians have an authoritative source (the Bible). In particular, there are many secular sources that in light from the Bible are simply wrong. The excesses of secular teaching on catharsis for example. Secondly we have the resources of heaven at our disposal. We do not need to rely on just our own abilities and strength and wisdom. For various reasons (lack of knowledge for example) Christians do not always take advantage of the help that is available. And even if we know, we may not ask and we do not have, because we do not ask (James 4:2). And we will not ask while we are still in denial.
Is it a coincidence that within the same 24 hour period, I was reminded of the verse from 1 Corinthians 13:11 “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things”? A friend of mine says that coincidences are little miracles that God does not get the credit for. Of course the fellow with the pitch fork can engineer coincidences too!
What is my point? It would be sad if the toilet training of our children was not accomplished until their twenties. It is also sad when we carry many of the ways we learned to cope as children, into adulthood. They say things happen in threes, and still within same 24 hour period of the above “coincidence”, it was brought to my attention just how much I still have to learn that at some level is “elementary my dear Watson”. I was sharing with a friend about a hard won life lesson, and he in all his wisdom and maturity told me “duh!” It was so obvious to him, but for me it was a lesson painfully learned, and his “duh” had shades of 'how could you have fallen for that, stupid?' attached to it. A moment of insensitivity perhaps ('don't quit your day job to go into counseling'), but as I say it brought home how often we (I don't believe it's just me), operate as adults out of the scars and ways we learned to cope, as children.
And more often than not, we don't see it. And more often than not, the Lord will bring it to our attention through relationship difficulties. Take it as a given we don't want to see it. The problem seem to be that if we admit that there is a problem, then we will (should at any rate) have to deal with it. And it's so much easier to blame the other person. And there will always be things about the other person that we can focus on, and so avoid having to deal with our own garbage!
There is a recovery saying that rings bells with me. It is this “We will not change until the pain of staying the same gets greater than the pain and fear of changing”. How many people come out of a broken marriage, for example, and because they have not dealt with their stuff, make exactly the same mistake in the second and even subsequent marriages. But we all do this at one level or another. Do you believe the Bible? It says in James 3:2 “In many things we all fail”. Yes it is one of my favourite quotes. But let me ask you this 'Do you know experientially that this verse is true of you?' We tend to fall into two categories, those who are painfully aware of it, and those who don't have a clue. But even those of us who are painfully aware of their faults, usually are thinking of but a single fault (an addiction for example). The verse says 'many things'. In particular, though addictions take on a life of their own, they usually start as symptom of things (plural) not dealt with (as for example a way of dulling our pain). They tell me that insanity is the result of not dealing properly with our pain. I am beginning to suspect that all dysfunction has its beginning in the same source.
We pick up so much of this from our environment. When we are children, we just don't have the skills to do anything else. But when we are adults, we need to learn to start dealing with our stuff. When we don't, we will try to pretend that we have, that we are mature, and we will need to hide and wear masks. We become isolated because if we let people near, they might just discover who we really are and reject us.
There is too little teaching on these things in the church, so that too many of us stay babes in Christ. It is through knowledge that the righteous are delivered (Proverbs 11:9). I have found in some ways that I have more in common with the non-Christian who is in recovery, than I have with the Christian who is not. The differences between Christians and non-Christians in recovery seem to be two. Firstly we Christians have an authoritative source (the Bible). In particular, there are many secular sources that in light from the Bible are simply wrong. The excesses of secular teaching on catharsis for example. Secondly we have the resources of heaven at our disposal. We do not need to rely on just our own abilities and strength and wisdom. For various reasons (lack of knowledge for example) Christians do not always take advantage of the help that is available. And even if we know, we may not ask and we do not have, because we do not ask (James 4:2). And we will not ask while we are still in denial.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Arrogance/False humility, two ditches along the highway of holiness.
There are two ditches along the “highway of holiness,” one on either side. The ditches vary according to the particular stretch we are currently traveling. In our discussion in the Faculty Bible study the other day, we talked about the false humility/arrogance ditches in the context of the verse “It is more necessary for you that I remain in the body” from Philippians 1:24. For Paul “to live is Christ and to die is gain” (verse 21), but as verse 25 emphasizes, Paul was convinced that the Philippians needed him in the here and now (or the there and then?). We asked if in saying this, Paul was demonstrating a lack of humility. The related question was “Is my continuing life in the here and now, significant for others?”. The questions got us talking (if not exactly agreeing). Dialogue is good!
So what comes below is a combination of what was said, and some of my own thoughts since (it's my bog, so I am allowed :) !). So would it be lack of humility for me to say “Guys, I know that you need me, so I am confident that God is not about to take me home”? I want to suggest that it would depend on how I said it, and the attitude that lies behind it. The University is not entirely lacking in arrogance! In 1 Corinthians 8:1 (AMP) we are told “mere knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud),” on the other hand love edifies! We all know of adult spoiled brats that have far too high an opinion of themselves, and God forbid that I should be one of them! But there is an equal and opposite error that many seem to fall into, and I believe that it comes from not knowing who we are in Christ.
It is said our theology should not be the same as our hymnology. I am thinking of two hymns: John Newton’s “Amazing Grace” where he tells us that God “saved a wretch like me.” Or, Isaac Watts’ hymn “Alas! and did my saviour bleed “for such a worm as I.” Let me ask would you apply these terms to your Christian brother or sister? “You do know my brother don't you, that you are a wretch and a worm”? If you would not say such things because they would be inappropriate (and I hope that is your response), then I want to suggest that to say such things about yourself is also inappropriate! And if you say such things about yourself watch out, you are speaking about someone who is the apple of God's eye! If you would not set your brother at nought (treat him as zero - Romans 14:10 JKV), why would you consider yourself as a zero or less? Does this build you up? It has the appearance of humility, but I want to suggest that it is in fact false humility.
We can certainly have too high an opinion of ourselves, but we can also have too low an opinion. I am a child of the living God. I am Royalty (Revelation 5:10). Now for sure I can be snotty Royalty, and I can act in a way that is not consistent with my standing, but that is not how I am supposed to be. When we know who we are, and do not let it go to our heads we can walk in the authority we have been given. We have been given spiritual weapons (2 Cor 10:4ff), and armour (Ephesians 6:10ff) and authority (Mtt 28:18ff), and too many of us do not walk in these things.
In my own life I always seem to battle with unbelief at some level or other. However following some reading and listening and prayer I have been telling myself “My prayers are powerful”. Well where does this come from? In James 5:16 it says “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”. So am I righteous? Certainly I do not have a righteousness of my own, but I do have the imputed righteousness of Christ (Philippians 3:9). And as long as I am not holding onto my sin, I can claim the verse in James as a promise. So I am telling myself that my prayers are powerful, and I will say it until I really believe it, and then I will say it because I believe it! What is interesting is that since I have been doing this, I have seen many more prayers answered! I am significant if my prayers make a difference, and they do “my prayers are powerful”. We are significant, I am significant and you are significant too. We do need to stay firmly on the highway of holiness, that is not falling into the being puffed up ditch, but neither being cow toed to the lies of the enemy who will undermine our faith and confidence in God and our calling if we let him (the false humility ditch).
Do others need my believing prayer? You bet they do! “He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or imagine”. All that comes between me and that, is my unbelief, which He tells me is sin (Hebrews 3:12). And even that is good news, because once I realize it is sin, I can confess and forsake it and be forgiven and move on to “the high calling in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14). When we learn with right humility and confidence to be who we are in Christ, we will make a difference. But on top of this, we have work to do. God ordained something specific for you, and for me. But we will not find what that is if we continue to tell ourselves that we have no significance. He “prepared beforehand (works) we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). If He prepared these works individually for us, then they have to be significant. Our significant God would do nothing less.
So what comes below is a combination of what was said, and some of my own thoughts since (it's my bog, so I am allowed :) !). So would it be lack of humility for me to say “Guys, I know that you need me, so I am confident that God is not about to take me home”? I want to suggest that it would depend on how I said it, and the attitude that lies behind it. The University is not entirely lacking in arrogance! In 1 Corinthians 8:1 (AMP) we are told “mere knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud),” on the other hand love edifies! We all know of adult spoiled brats that have far too high an opinion of themselves, and God forbid that I should be one of them! But there is an equal and opposite error that many seem to fall into, and I believe that it comes from not knowing who we are in Christ.
It is said our theology should not be the same as our hymnology. I am thinking of two hymns: John Newton’s “Amazing Grace” where he tells us that God “saved a wretch like me.” Or, Isaac Watts’ hymn “Alas! and did my saviour bleed “for such a worm as I.” Let me ask would you apply these terms to your Christian brother or sister? “You do know my brother don't you, that you are a wretch and a worm”? If you would not say such things because they would be inappropriate (and I hope that is your response), then I want to suggest that to say such things about yourself is also inappropriate! And if you say such things about yourself watch out, you are speaking about someone who is the apple of God's eye! If you would not set your brother at nought (treat him as zero - Romans 14:10 JKV), why would you consider yourself as a zero or less? Does this build you up? It has the appearance of humility, but I want to suggest that it is in fact false humility.
We can certainly have too high an opinion of ourselves, but we can also have too low an opinion. I am a child of the living God. I am Royalty (Revelation 5:10). Now for sure I can be snotty Royalty, and I can act in a way that is not consistent with my standing, but that is not how I am supposed to be. When we know who we are, and do not let it go to our heads we can walk in the authority we have been given. We have been given spiritual weapons (2 Cor 10:4ff), and armour (Ephesians 6:10ff) and authority (Mtt 28:18ff), and too many of us do not walk in these things.
In my own life I always seem to battle with unbelief at some level or other. However following some reading and listening and prayer I have been telling myself “My prayers are powerful”. Well where does this come from? In James 5:16 it says “The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective”. So am I righteous? Certainly I do not have a righteousness of my own, but I do have the imputed righteousness of Christ (Philippians 3:9). And as long as I am not holding onto my sin, I can claim the verse in James as a promise. So I am telling myself that my prayers are powerful, and I will say it until I really believe it, and then I will say it because I believe it! What is interesting is that since I have been doing this, I have seen many more prayers answered! I am significant if my prayers make a difference, and they do “my prayers are powerful”. We are significant, I am significant and you are significant too. We do need to stay firmly on the highway of holiness, that is not falling into the being puffed up ditch, but neither being cow toed to the lies of the enemy who will undermine our faith and confidence in God and our calling if we let him (the false humility ditch).
Do others need my believing prayer? You bet they do! “He is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or imagine”. All that comes between me and that, is my unbelief, which He tells me is sin (Hebrews 3:12). And even that is good news, because once I realize it is sin, I can confess and forsake it and be forgiven and move on to “the high calling in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14). When we learn with right humility and confidence to be who we are in Christ, we will make a difference. But on top of this, we have work to do. God ordained something specific for you, and for me. But we will not find what that is if we continue to tell ourselves that we have no significance. He “prepared beforehand (works) we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:10). If He prepared these works individually for us, then they have to be significant. Our significant God would do nothing less.
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