God’s blueprint for marriage II: Leaving our parents (Genesis 2:24)

Leaving our parents in a healthy way is a life long process (yes even after we are married). There are (at least) two things we need to hold together to accomplish this. We need to acknowledge and deal with the fact that “the sins of the fathers are visited on" us children ... ” while at the same time we need to honour “father and mother that it may go well with” us  (Exodus 20:5, 12 NKJV). The  “sins visited” has to do with the the fact that the negative behaviours (the baggage) of our ancestors and culture, tend to transfer seamlessly onto us. It's not a forgone conclusion, but for example, the tendency for children of alcoholics to be alcoholics is statistically very likely. Following the sexually immoral behaviour of recent generations, is another example.  There are consequences to copying these inherited sins, and if we are to love our children, we will want to deal as much as possible with our baggage so as not to pass it down.  It starts with loving God and obeying His commandments (Exodus 20:6; and e.g. Ephesians 5:3)!

 We can leave our parents physically, but still have unhealthy attachments holding unforgiveness and resentment, for example,  and in the process dishonouring them.  This does not, as in some cultures, that you continue to obey them as adults. In any case whose  do you obey,  his or hers?  In a healthy relationship we listen to advice, but are free to reject it. But this begs the question as to when giving and receiving advice is appropriate (it's a healthy boundaries issue)! In fact there are many issues here, and a single post can do little more than point out some of them,  and recommend some resources!  

There are at least two reasons that is it difficult to leave in a fully healthy way. Firstly we don't know what we don't know, and what we don't know far exceeds what we do! Secondly is the difficulty of speaking the truth, even when spoken in love (Ephesians 4:15). We may not be allowed to speak the truth,  and we may be punished by those we love, if we try.  Conventional wisdom suggests that in marriage mother or father issues get projected onto the children. These issues,  if left unresolved, will eventually result in you having the very same relationship with your spouse,  that you had with your parent. And as I say, you may not even know what they are. Since we tend to repeat the familiar many these things often get transferred seamlessly into our marriages, including the poison of bitterness and resentment (Hebrews 12:15); codependence (unhealthy attachments,  including enmeshment);  interfering in-laws  (see “Boundaries, when to say yes,  when to say no”  by Cloud and Townsend; “Unacknowledged baggage” (a book by the Franks – revealing many unacknowledged issues); enabling (covering up negative behaviours that shelter a person from the consequences of their actions – Galatians 6:7);   operating out of an orphan spirit (issues of the inner child - 1 John 3:2) etc., etc.

Father, the commandment to honour our parents comes with a promise, “that it may go well with” us. But we also need, at the same time,  to acknowledged and deal with the inherited baggage.  It's a process and  something of a balancing act, and we are unlikely to get it perfectly right. And it's never too late to start.  We cannot do this well without Your  help, so I'm asking for it this morning Lord,  in Jesus Name Amen

God’s blueprint for marriage: Leave, cleave, one flesh

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”  (Genesis 2:24). Since Adam and Eve had no parents, this verse in paradise before the fall may, at first sight,  seem strangely out of place.  But it anticipates the fall,  and invites us to look deeply into these things as we seek to do our part in bringing the Kingdom to earth into our marriages and other significant relationships.  A little simplistically here,  we need to see leaving our parents as much more than leaving physically. In particular if we do not deal with our father and mother issues, we will bring them into our marriages, we will not cleave (join and be joined) well, and the physical side of marriage will also be affected.

I have noticed that at the breakup of significant relationships including marriage, you either learn a great deal, or you learn essentially nothing. And if I learn nothing, I will take my biggest problem (me) into the next relationship. I will make the same mistakes,  and likely have the same outcome. In the next few posts I will be unpacking what I am calling God's blueprint for marriage, the work that needs to be done in “iron sharpening iron”  interactions (Proverbs 27:17) both before and after the ceremony. In summary it is “leave,  cleave,  one flesh,” and it is a life long process of transformation.

When Jesus came He give us stricter divorce laws than under the Old Covenant, but it's not only about divorce.  He tells us, for example,  that if we look at a woman lustfully, we have already committed adultery with her in our heart (Matthew 5:28). And what does this say about pornography, and the pseudo,  hyper sexuality of our culture? The problem is that nobody can even keep the standards of the Old Testament, let alone these stricter ones (i.e. Romans 3:23; Galatians 2:21).  And if we couldn't keep the “easier” rules,  how on earth can we keep the more exacting standard?  Well here's a hint, it's not by trying harder. It comes through the radical death of the self life,  and then embracing, from the heart, the life and power that comes through cooperation Holy Spirit as He lives the life of the Kingdom in us and through us (Romans 6:11, 17; Galatians 2:20; Acts 1:8).  It's an ongoing process of transformation from glory to glory (Romans 12:2; 2 Corinthians 3:18).

But what would compel us to this radical death and resurrection? In a word “pain!” C.S. Lewis suggests that God whispers to us in our pleasure, but shouts to us in our pain. In other words pain, particularly from the breakup of relationships, is designed to bring us back (or more fully) into relationship with the Pastor of our souls (1 Peter 2:25).  I do not pretend this is an easy pain free path. Many times the truth is incredibly difficult to bear (John 16:12)! But  growth pains are not like the pain of the consequences of bad choices. This pain may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

Father,  in many things we all fail (James 3:2), but failures are crossroads, and the path to life is made possible by Your forgiveness and resurrection power. Give us grace Lord to engage in the process,  as we progressively learn to die to self in order that Your life may be more fully manifest through us in Jesus Name Amen

Divorce and relationship difficulties in the Kingdom

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”  (Genesis 2:24). In His radically strict teaching on divorce,  Jesus quotes this verse from Genesis and then adds “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man put asunder” (Matthew 19:6). Under the Old Covenant (Exodus 20:1-17), divorce had been permitted (Deuteronomy 24:1-4), Jesus is saying that was never God's intention. He goes on to say that it was allowed, because of the hardness of heart (19:8). Possible exceptions to this stricter rule include adultery, and the unbelieving spouse leaving the marriage (19:9; 1 Corinthians 7:10-16).

Hardness of heart is very much alive in the Church, where divorce and remarriage statistics closely match those of the world. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin, but Jesus is calling believers to a higher standard, not just in marriage relationships, but in our relationships in general. I am firmly convinced that marriage is God's primary tool to make us more like Christ (Romans 8:28, 29), and this is true even for those of us (yes me) who have failed. But there are lessons to be learned from any relationship that is going, or has gone, wrong. They are crossroads on our journey. For Adam and Eve it was the blame game (Genesis 3:12, 13). There is however a better way (1 Corinthians 12:31ff).

One of the things we hear often, is that love had died. But for the believer who believes in resurrection, this need not be the end (see Philippians 3:10, 11 AMP). Peter Scazzero in his 'Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Course' says “We all face many “deaths” within our lives.  Our culture routinely interprets these losses and griefs as alien invasions and interruptions to our “normal” lives. The choice is whether these deaths will be terminal,  or will open us up to new possibilities and depths of transformation in Christ. Loss is a place where self-knowledge and powerful transformation can happen if we have the courage to participate fully in the process.”

There are many resources out there to help us when we encounter the crossroads of which I speak. Twelve-step-programs are useful, not just for addicts. The heart of the steps help us to deal with the inner life,  taking responsibility for our side of the street, dealing with bitterness and resentment,  forgiving and making amends. They work best when the higher power is Jesus (Google Celebrate Recovery). One of the strengths of these  programs is the fellowship with others on the same journey. No program is perfect and, as with all of these resources, what you get out of it is directly proportional to what you put into it.

This bring me to the marriage covenant (promises). If we are to take “for better or worse” seriously, we need to have a realistic assessment of our fallen nature. Jordon Peterson says that we need covenant because “You're trouble, and I'm trouble!”  If you don't know that before marriage you will find it out quickly afterwards, at least about your spouse! Someone I know told me “I didn't realize how selfish I was until I got married.” Coming out of denial here, is an essential part of taking care of “my side of the street.”  It is the exact opposite of the blame game (James 5:16).

Lord, there can be no resurrection life without the death of the self life (Romans 8:13). We need Your help Lord, thank You for Your blueprint for marriage (next day) in Jesus Name Amen
 

Marriage and Mystery

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Paul quotes this verse in Ephesians 5:31, adding “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.” Concerning mystery, theologians put it this way, many things are hidden in the Old Testament but are revealed in the New. They are also called types and shadows. Adam for example is a type of Christ (Romans 5:14), other things are “a shadow of things to come, but the substance is of Christ” (Colossians 2:17).

Mystery is foolishness to our over rationalized Western mind. But as Jesus said, the Father has hidden hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children (Matthew 11:25). And we need to become as little children to enter the kingdom, and then we begin to understand Matthew 18:2). In terms of the mystery of the church, the Greek word is ekklesia, literally the called out ones. We don't go to church as we often say, for we (believers) are the church. The ekklesia is also called His body (Ephesians 1:22, 23). And just as Eve is bone of Adam's bone and flesh of Adam's flesh (Genesis 2:23), so we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones (Ephesians 5:30). Also, just as Eve was birthed out of Adam's side, so the church is birthed from the water and the blood that flowed from Christ's side (John 19:34). Water of course speaks of cleansing, and points to the baptism of repentance (Acts 9:4). Blood speaks of redemption (being made right with God) through His blood (Revelation 5:9).

Furthermore, just as Eve was Adam's bride, so the church is Christ's bride. In fact Paul tells the Corinthians “I betrothed you to one husband (engagement in modern language), to Christ, so that I might present you to Him as a pure virgin” (2 Corinthians 11:2). In terms of purity “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5:25-27). That we have a part to play in this purity is brought out in Revelation 19:7 where we read “for the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.” The Lamb of course is Jesus (John 1:29).

Father, in the words of the prayerbook we have erred and strayed from Your ways like lost sheep. We are Cinderella with amnesia! Your Word tells us the time has come for judgment to begin with the church; and if it begins with us, what will be the end of those who do not obey the gospel of God (1 Peter 4:17)? In the words of an old hymn “Jesus I’ve forgotten the words that you have spoken, promises that burned within my heart, have now grown dim. With a doubting heart, I follow the paths of earthly wisdom forgive me for my unbelief, renew the fire again. Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.” So I come before You this morning Lord, and I repent on behalf of Your church and of myself. Forgive us Lord and cleanse us as you have promised (1 John 1:9). Create in us clean hearts, O God, and renew steadfast spirits within us (Psalm 51:10) in Jesus Name Amen

World views, presuppositions and logic

I have often been asked how I, a mathematician, could possibly believe in God.  The presupposition behind the question (assumptions that are usually unacknowledged), seems to be that Science (or logic) has disproved God.  In fact, it is part of the propaganda of the world.  And while it is true that some have thrown away the mind in order to believe, such people have failed to obey the commandment to love God with all their mind (Mark 12:30). Actually I do want to say,  that the smarter you are,  the more work you will need to do if you are going to obey this commandment, but then isn't all genuine love work?

In mathematics we call presuppositions axioms.  One of the fundamental axioms of high school geometry is that parallel lines never meet. It is intuitively obvious of course, but we cannot prove it.  When we believe something is true, but can't prove it, it becomes one of our presuppositions. The parallel line axiom and the theorems deduced from it all work in life. They make sense and are used all over the place. In other words this axiom (presupposition)  reflects what we know about reality.  But there is a branch of mathematics called projective geometry.  It throws out the parallel axiom, seeking to know what theorems can be proved without it. Do the resulting theorem reflect reality? Well that's a different question.   

The fact is, that we all have a world view, that is a set of presuppositions out of which we try to make sense of the World.  Of course some world views are better worked out than others. But no world view, like axioms in mathematics,  can be proved.  Naturalism is atheistic in its assumptions (Google the definition), and to say that Naturalism had disproved God is a circular argument of the type “The moon is made of green cheese,  because the moon is made of green cheese.”   The circularity however, is not immediately obvious, because in the supposed conclusion that God does not exist, is hidden a very long way away from the presuppositions.

If we all knew what our presuppositions were when we debate,  we might  have a lot less conflict.  We seem so logical to ourselves, but most cannot say clearly upon what their logic is based. I did not always have the Biblical the world view that I now hold. I came to it at times gradually,  at other times not so much, because I kept bumping up against reality.  The Biblical principle that bad choices have bad consequences (Galatians 6:7) is just one example. Because of the consequence of my bad decisions, I knew I needed to change,  and I tried, but failed miserably. Then I read of Paul that   the good things he wanted to do,  he did not do and the bad things he didn't want to do, were the very things he did (Romans 7:18). You might not know that’s true of you till you really try, not just for a week say, but for a year! And it came to me over and over “This book, the Bible, know me!”  The book I am writing “Genius and Treasures in Genesis”  is designed give weight to my contention that the Bible has the best view of reality!

A Commandment to obey: Love the Lord with all your heart,  mind,  soul and strength (Mark 12:30)

A Promise to claim and to test: You will search for me and find me when you search for me with all of your heart (Jeremiah 29:13).

A helper comparable to him III: The dance of intimacy

“Now the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] suitable and complementary for him” (Genesis 2:18 AMP).

The 'men are from Mars and women from Venus' paradigm emphasizes the differences between men and women. Differences are often described as “irreconcilable,” and are used as a reason (or excuse),  for marriage breakups.  There are three words that come to mind from this morning's verse,  they are comparable, compatible and complement. Complementary relationships are the idea of completing one another.  Where one is weak, for example, the other is strong and vice versa.  But how come differences are so often a cause of separation?

Concerning similarities, a line from a Bob Dylan song, comes to mind “It ain't no use a-talking to me. It's just the same as a-talking to you!” What's the point? Well if we were completely  compatible at every point,  life would be pretty boring! On the other hand, if we have no compatibility at all,  we would likely not even connect. Again what's the point?  Well the point is that comparable in paradise consisted of both compatibility and complementarity, and that similarities and differences are an essential part of a healthy relationship.   

One of the things that needs to happen then, is that we get rid of the mindset that considers that successful relationships are all about  compatibility. On the other hand there's an aspect of compatibility without which things can become very difficult. I'm thinking of the admonition that believers should not marry unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14). If, for whatever reason this comes too late, the next best option is for the believer to stay,  and win the unbeliever to Christ (1 Corinthians 7:12-14). Coming back to our differences,  there is an interesting book entitled “Argument free marriage.” The authors suggest we should work towards it being two people against a problem, rather than two people against each other.  The difficulty of course,  is that it is in close relationships that our faults become obvious to the other. Someone I know told me that she did not realize how selfish she was until she got married (this to me is evidence of good communication).  But if we are going to move towards paradise, our selfishness need to die (Romans 8:13).

Differences when handled in a Kingdom way, produce harmony, if they are not handled this way, they produce discord. As mentioned before,  confessing our faults to one another is our part in brining the Kingdom to earth in relationships.  It likely starts with our sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron, but when, with His help,  we persists, He does His part in bringing healing  (James 5:16; Proverbs 27:17).  It's still not likely to progress in a straight line in ever increasing intimacy, it's more like a dance.

Father, Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing (Ecclesiastes 3:5). I see this as the dance.  Learning to speak the truth in love with each other,  giving  each other space,  and learning to forgive and to make up,  are all part of the  dance (Ephesians 4:15, 32).  No one is saying it's easy Lord,  and we need Your grace, Your help. We also need a lot of wisdom and humility, and I am asking for it this morning for me Lord,  in Jesus Name Amen