I know too much Science to believe in God.
There was a challenge in my letter to the Muse (September 30th 2010). I said “It is not that Christianity has been debated and found wanting, but that it is derided, dismissed and ridiculed without debate, and that in an institution that purports to be interested in truth”. Mr. David Speed's response to my letter (October 14th) illustrates my point in living colour (or I should say real 3D). In particular, while carefully avoiding the core issue, he used profanity and contempt to try to belittle me. Well I suppose you have to resort to that sort of thing, if you don't want to deal with truth.
“What is truth?” I hear someone ask. Well I can tell you this much, this question, Mr. Speed's tactics, the constant ridicule and belittling of religious points of view in sitcoms, as well as the type of drivel I hear as in the title of this letter, these things are little more than propaganda that, avoiding debate at all costs, reflect without critique, the current spirit of Western man (the ladies are of course excluded :). There are reasons we are in the mess we are in. But that's a whole new issue. To come to the “truth” that lies behind the quotation in my title, it is easy enough to refute. “No, actually, you do not know enough Science to make a statement like that”. Let me unpack this, if I am allowed!
The point is that just like the question “what is love?”, the question of the existence of God falls outside of the scope of what Science can answer. Scientific knowledge proceeds by performing repeatable experiments that verify or not, the hypothesis we set up. What repeatable experiment can you perform to prove God's non- existence? Most of the so called conclusions of Science which are said to deny His existence, are matters of interpretation of the data which flow out of the (often hidden) presuppositions that are imposed upon the said data.
By the way Scientific knowledge is just one of several ways we know what we know. Most of us are convinced of the truth that love exists, even that we are loved (when we are), but it defies Scientific proof. Let's see. Null hypothesis: The wife loves me. Experiment: Enter newly cleaned kitchen with muddy boots. If the wife really loves me she will tolerate my behaviour. Experimental data: 99 times out of 100 the wife got mad, sometimes really mad. Conclusion: Reject the null hypothesis!
This propaganda that I am talking about has duped many. There is of course a certain strength in numbers. But don't forget the story about the Emperor who had no cloths. I realize that you may think that I am duped too. If you do, we will only come to know who is right as we engage in debate that mutually listens and respects one another's point of view. Will you do that? Well why should you? After all most of the time ridicule and derision wins the day, and it has the advantage that you don't have to think about the issues, at least not deeply!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
True community, a safe place to be real III
In last few posts I have been talking about a fellowship where there is openness, honesty and unconditional acceptance of one another. I describe this as genuine community. Certainly genuine community exists outside of Christ, (just as happy marriages exist among those who do not name his name). Nevertheless I believe that only in genuine Christian community, can fullness of community be found and sustained. To start with, whether you want to acknowledged it or not, the principles that lie behind, and foster true community, are Biblical principles (see for example James 5:16). They do, as I say work both inside and outside of the Christian context. However, they work supremely in the Christian context when we are willing to come together, in a common faith in Christ, to the foot of the Cross. For the one who trusts in Christ, there are two important things to believe about the Cross, that are central to genuine Christian community. They are firstly its necessity, and secondly its provision. The understanding that it was necessary is a great leveller, and when we truly understand it as the cost of the provision for our acceptance, we respond with a gratitude and humility that overflows to others.
The fact of the matter however, is that we have difficulty in understanding/believing these things. Part of the reason for this is that we seem to need/want to believe that we are basically good. Even those who tear themselves down seem to get offended when you agree with them. I mean is not the definition of a sinner, one who is worse than me? So we compare ourselves with the s.o.b. down the road, and come off smelling like roses. In light of this, to be told that my sin is so bad that it was necessary for Christ to die in order to pay for my sin, can be a tad offensive. And who wants to be told that there is essentially no difference between you and someone you may despise.
A big part of the problem is that our standards are so low, but Christ is the poster boy, the standard against which we will be judged if we rely on our goodness to qualify us for heaven. And we all fall short of the glory of God, of the glory of Christ. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are His ways higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9). You may have the biggest house in your city, but seen from outer space it will be indistinguishable from your neighbour's. In any case, as I argue in my June 30th post, without His interventions, the slightest imperfection will exclude us from the presence of perfection (heaven). If this is not where you are at, these words will not convince you, but when you believe Christ, and come to see that His sacrifice on the Cross was necessary for you and for me, it becomes the greatest of all levellers. As the Scriptures put it “there is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23).
This “ground zero”, this level playing field is essential to true community. When we know that we all have the same problem, and are open and honest enough to admit it, there is simply no place for self righteousness and judgemental attitudes. They are simply excluded. In such an atmosphere mutual acceptance is natural, and it does indeed become a place of healing. In such places opening up to each other, rather than resulting in rejection and shame, becomes a place of empathy bonding and healing. So then in the right context, the context of a safe place, openness and transparency become vehicles to foster and give birth to true community. When we know that we are all the same, it becomes safe to confess our faults one to another, and when we do, we experience His promise to be healed (James 5:16).
This coming to the foot of the cross is good for the humility but hard on our pride. Because of this, and the feeling or fear of condemnation, we might well be tempted to avoid it. But the paradox is this, avoiding the feeling of condemnation at foot of the cross could well be the very thing that in the end condemns us. The verses following the well known John 3:16 tells us “God did not send His Son into the World to condemn the World, but that the World might be saved through Him”, and “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”
It is all about coming to the light, or avoiding the light, seeking truth or avoiding truth. It is the truth that sets you free. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad? The bad news is that my sin is so bad that Christ's death on the Cross is the only thing that could release me from its penalty. The good news is that God loved you and me enough to do it. It was necessary, and it is sufficient. It was needed for our salvation, but it is also enough for our salvation. It is enough to ensure all that we need for life in the here and now and in the hereafter. In the shadow of the cross, I can allow myself to understanding the bad news, because it simultaneous shows me the good news. The bad news, that the Jesus going to the Cross was necessary to cover my sin, is overshadowed by the good news that His sacrifice there is the root and ground of His unconditional acceptance of me once I confess my need.
Once we start to see this, then we also start to see that our safe place is to found first and foremost in the safety of His hand. From here neither height nor dept nor anything else in all creation is able to separate us from His love (Romans 8). From here non one can pluck us out of His hand. And when this sinks in, when we truly receive His unconditional acceptance, we ourselves become a safe place. This is because His unconditional acceptance of us, naturally overflows to our unconditional acceptance of others. And when we enter into this together, we find/create a place that is truly safe. We love because He first loved us, we accept each other unconditionally because He first unconditional accepted us. And when we come and stay at the foot of the cross, true community becomes not only possible but natural. “When we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ keeps on cleansing us from all sin” (I John 1:7).
The fact of the matter however, is that we have difficulty in understanding/believing these things. Part of the reason for this is that we seem to need/want to believe that we are basically good. Even those who tear themselves down seem to get offended when you agree with them. I mean is not the definition of a sinner, one who is worse than me? So we compare ourselves with the s.o.b. down the road, and come off smelling like roses. In light of this, to be told that my sin is so bad that it was necessary for Christ to die in order to pay for my sin, can be a tad offensive. And who wants to be told that there is essentially no difference between you and someone you may despise.
A big part of the problem is that our standards are so low, but Christ is the poster boy, the standard against which we will be judged if we rely on our goodness to qualify us for heaven. And we all fall short of the glory of God, of the glory of Christ. As the heavens are higher than the earth so are His ways higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9). You may have the biggest house in your city, but seen from outer space it will be indistinguishable from your neighbour's. In any case, as I argue in my June 30th post, without His interventions, the slightest imperfection will exclude us from the presence of perfection (heaven). If this is not where you are at, these words will not convince you, but when you believe Christ, and come to see that His sacrifice on the Cross was necessary for you and for me, it becomes the greatest of all levellers. As the Scriptures put it “there is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of His glory (Romans 3:23).
This “ground zero”, this level playing field is essential to true community. When we know that we all have the same problem, and are open and honest enough to admit it, there is simply no place for self righteousness and judgemental attitudes. They are simply excluded. In such an atmosphere mutual acceptance is natural, and it does indeed become a place of healing. In such places opening up to each other, rather than resulting in rejection and shame, becomes a place of empathy bonding and healing. So then in the right context, the context of a safe place, openness and transparency become vehicles to foster and give birth to true community. When we know that we are all the same, it becomes safe to confess our faults one to another, and when we do, we experience His promise to be healed (James 5:16).
This coming to the foot of the cross is good for the humility but hard on our pride. Because of this, and the feeling or fear of condemnation, we might well be tempted to avoid it. But the paradox is this, avoiding the feeling of condemnation at foot of the cross could well be the very thing that in the end condemns us. The verses following the well known John 3:16 tells us “God did not send His Son into the World to condemn the World, but that the World might be saved through Him”, and “He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”
It is all about coming to the light, or avoiding the light, seeking truth or avoiding truth. It is the truth that sets you free. Which do you want first, the good news or the bad? The bad news is that my sin is so bad that Christ's death on the Cross is the only thing that could release me from its penalty. The good news is that God loved you and me enough to do it. It was necessary, and it is sufficient. It was needed for our salvation, but it is also enough for our salvation. It is enough to ensure all that we need for life in the here and now and in the hereafter. In the shadow of the cross, I can allow myself to understanding the bad news, because it simultaneous shows me the good news. The bad news, that the Jesus going to the Cross was necessary to cover my sin, is overshadowed by the good news that His sacrifice there is the root and ground of His unconditional acceptance of me once I confess my need.
Once we start to see this, then we also start to see that our safe place is to found first and foremost in the safety of His hand. From here neither height nor dept nor anything else in all creation is able to separate us from His love (Romans 8). From here non one can pluck us out of His hand. And when this sinks in, when we truly receive His unconditional acceptance, we ourselves become a safe place. This is because His unconditional acceptance of us, naturally overflows to our unconditional acceptance of others. And when we enter into this together, we find/create a place that is truly safe. We love because He first loved us, we accept each other unconditionally because He first unconditional accepted us. And when we come and stay at the foot of the cross, true community becomes not only possible but natural. “When we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ keeps on cleansing us from all sin” (I John 1:7).
Friday, October 15, 2010
A safe place to be real II
There is a lovely story that I think is highly relevant to this search for community that is real. It is found in John chapter eight, the woman caught in the very act of adultery. Old Testament law prescribed that she be stoned to death, and they brought her to Him in order to test Him. I think she was set up, I mean where was the man? Last time I checked it takes two. But I digress.
Jesus is amazing. He tells them “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, and they leave from the oldest to the youngest. When they had left He asked her “Where are those who would condemn you”. She answers that there are none. Jesus tells her “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”.
There are many things to say about this wonderful incident, but the point I want to make here is that in the presence of Jesus, the Pharisees (hypocrites) either leave or are changed. When He is there in His fullness hypocrites are just not comfortable. I am afraid that this says a lot about how present He is in many of our Churches. As in the days of old (in the Temple), there are things that will cause Him to withdraw, or at the very least diminish, His presence among us. We can after all quench His Spirit, and it behoves us to learn what those things are, and to change them.
He has promised that when two or three meet together in His name, He is there in the midst. But He will not come in his fullness where He is not truly welcome. Meeting in His name, like asking in prayer in His name, is not intended to be a casual thing. It is much much more than going through the motions, mouthing the words. We cannot play church and expect Him to show up tangible ways. For example, we sing Hymns and Worship choruses, but do we truly worship Him? When was the last time you or I were, with the Hymn writer “lost in wonder love and praise”? Many of us are unrestrained in our worship of hockey, baseball or movie stars, but how unrestrained are we in our worship of the Lord? And who is worth more? That is not to say that everyone must express their worship of God in an unrestrained way in the here and now. But I can tell you this, our worship in heaven will not be restrained. You only have to read the book of Revelation! And you think hockey is exciting!
His Word tells us that He inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3 KJV), and that the Father seeks those who will worship Him in Spirit and in truth (John 4:23). And there is the rub. We cannot continue to wear masks and/or refuse to deal with our sin, and still expect Him to show up in any real and tangible way! We do not have to be perfect, but like the woman in the story, we must, if we want to stay in His presence, be willing to deal with, and turn from, our sin. Jesus makes it clear that the despised, the tax collectors and sinners of His day, would enter the Kingdom before the Pharisees. Is it any different with the Pharisees of our day? I think not! After all, Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever. He came to call sinners to repentance, and we find Him in the fellowship of the forgiven, not in the fellowship of the (self) righteous. Being forgiven is where it starts, but not where it ends.
As a young, innocent and even naive teenage, I used to dream of being smothered by the kisses of a certain gorgeous young thing, as I lay back saying “you may proceed (to love me)”. In my innocence and naivety while I was (in my dream) the recipient of her kisses, it did not occur to me that she might want my kisses too (I did say naive and innocent – it was a different age). I came to realize how repugnant this would have been for her, me being a limp lover, for her about as exciting as kissing a wet sponge. The point I am making is that God does not want limp lovers either. We are to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. This is how He loves us. Look at what He paid to buy us back from slavery to sin. He wants to pour out His love in tangible ways, and He will more than match and delight us with His presence when we start to love, serve and worship Him as He deserves. When we do this, we start to discover with Abraham, that He is our exceedingly great reward (Genesis 15:1). Why else would more and more people all over this wicked and hurting world die for their faith rather than give it up (see http://www.persecution.com/).
We need to ask ourselves, “Is what I have (what we have as a Church) worth dying for? It has been said that if we don't have something in our lives worth dying for, we do not have anything worth living for. Have you ever asked “Is this all there is?” Am I satisfied to live a life of quiet desperation that is said to be the lot of most of us? Jesus said “I am come that you might have life in all its fullness”. The World tells us we are deluded. Either they are right, or there is so very much more than most us have. There is more, there is always more. I have had glimpses of what it can be, but I know with a certainty I cannot explain, that we have barely scratched the surface, even in such glimpses.
I pray, and I invite you to pray “Lord take away my sin, my shame, my pride, my apathy, and my willingness to live with mediocrity. Give me a passion for Yourself that is worthy of who You are, and what You have done” (Revelation 5:12). When we enter into this we find a place that is truly safe, because together we find our refuge and our strength and our safety in Him. No one can pluck us out of His hand.
Jesus is amazing. He tells them “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”, and they leave from the oldest to the youngest. When they had left He asked her “Where are those who would condemn you”. She answers that there are none. Jesus tells her “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more”.
There are many things to say about this wonderful incident, but the point I want to make here is that in the presence of Jesus, the Pharisees (hypocrites) either leave or are changed. When He is there in His fullness hypocrites are just not comfortable. I am afraid that this says a lot about how present He is in many of our Churches. As in the days of old (in the Temple), there are things that will cause Him to withdraw, or at the very least diminish, His presence among us. We can after all quench His Spirit, and it behoves us to learn what those things are, and to change them.
He has promised that when two or three meet together in His name, He is there in the midst. But He will not come in his fullness where He is not truly welcome. Meeting in His name, like asking in prayer in His name, is not intended to be a casual thing. It is much much more than going through the motions, mouthing the words. We cannot play church and expect Him to show up tangible ways. For example, we sing Hymns and Worship choruses, but do we truly worship Him? When was the last time you or I were, with the Hymn writer “lost in wonder love and praise”? Many of us are unrestrained in our worship of hockey, baseball or movie stars, but how unrestrained are we in our worship of the Lord? And who is worth more? That is not to say that everyone must express their worship of God in an unrestrained way in the here and now. But I can tell you this, our worship in heaven will not be restrained. You only have to read the book of Revelation! And you think hockey is exciting!
His Word tells us that He inhabits the praises of His people (Psalm 22:3 KJV), and that the Father seeks those who will worship Him in Spirit and in truth (John 4:23). And there is the rub. We cannot continue to wear masks and/or refuse to deal with our sin, and still expect Him to show up in any real and tangible way! We do not have to be perfect, but like the woman in the story, we must, if we want to stay in His presence, be willing to deal with, and turn from, our sin. Jesus makes it clear that the despised, the tax collectors and sinners of His day, would enter the Kingdom before the Pharisees. Is it any different with the Pharisees of our day? I think not! After all, Jesus is the same yesterday today and forever. He came to call sinners to repentance, and we find Him in the fellowship of the forgiven, not in the fellowship of the (self) righteous. Being forgiven is where it starts, but not where it ends.
As a young, innocent and even naive teenage, I used to dream of being smothered by the kisses of a certain gorgeous young thing, as I lay back saying “you may proceed (to love me)”. In my innocence and naivety while I was (in my dream) the recipient of her kisses, it did not occur to me that she might want my kisses too (I did say naive and innocent – it was a different age). I came to realize how repugnant this would have been for her, me being a limp lover, for her about as exciting as kissing a wet sponge. The point I am making is that God does not want limp lovers either. We are to love Him with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. This is how He loves us. Look at what He paid to buy us back from slavery to sin. He wants to pour out His love in tangible ways, and He will more than match and delight us with His presence when we start to love, serve and worship Him as He deserves. When we do this, we start to discover with Abraham, that He is our exceedingly great reward (Genesis 15:1). Why else would more and more people all over this wicked and hurting world die for their faith rather than give it up (see http://www.persecution.com/).
We need to ask ourselves, “Is what I have (what we have as a Church) worth dying for? It has been said that if we don't have something in our lives worth dying for, we do not have anything worth living for. Have you ever asked “Is this all there is?” Am I satisfied to live a life of quiet desperation that is said to be the lot of most of us? Jesus said “I am come that you might have life in all its fullness”. The World tells us we are deluded. Either they are right, or there is so very much more than most us have. There is more, there is always more. I have had glimpses of what it can be, but I know with a certainty I cannot explain, that we have barely scratched the surface, even in such glimpses.
I pray, and I invite you to pray “Lord take away my sin, my shame, my pride, my apathy, and my willingness to live with mediocrity. Give me a passion for Yourself that is worthy of who You are, and what You have done” (Revelation 5:12). When we enter into this we find a place that is truly safe, because together we find our refuge and our strength and our safety in Him. No one can pluck us out of His hand.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Finding a safe place, a place to be real, a place to heal.
I said in the last post that I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships. But what is safe, can be in the eye of the beholder. For some, a safe place is one in which we are allowed to hide who we are, where nobody asks awkward questions. In such places openness is frowned upon as drawing attention to oneself. And lets face it, there are certainly those who flaunt their sin and rebellion. This is not what I am talking about. But where is the line that separates genuine humility and openness from flaunting exhibitionism, and what is it that makes a person a flaunting exhibitionist in the first place? These are important questions. Statistics indicate that many, if not most, prostitutes have histories of sexual abuse. Perhaps their shamelessness is simply a way of dealing with overwhelming and debilitating shame. Perhaps the shamelessness of the Pharisee (October 4th post) is also a way of dealing with the same thing? Well yes, he hides it well, but don't we all wear masks at some level?
At a crucial time in my journey, yet another book was put into my hand. Actually it was a phrase from a book I was flipping through. The phrase (due to John Bradshaw) is this “If in a relationship one is open and the other covered, then both finish up violating each other”. I understood well how the open one is violated. Perhaps you do too, when in your attempt to be open and honest you were rejected and judged, and your confessions came back to you as accusations.
What I did not understand though, until I thought and prayed about it, is how the covered one is violated. As usual the insight came through the Bible. You see before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. After the fall they hid (Genesis 3). Before they made poor choices nakedness (openness and transparency) was normal and natural. Suddenly it became necessary to hide. In a world where people make poor choices, we somehow or other have to deal with hidden agendas, manipulation, control, judgmentalism, rejection and the like. I started to see that openness invites (or even demands) openness. But if we are frightened to death of being discovered, the “invitation” to be open can be received as an unwelcome pressure. It is a little bit like Adam trying to peek behind Eve's fig leaves. It feels a bit like the spiritual equivalent of sexual harassment. No wonder we hide. How could it be otherwise? I started to see why my openness was being regarded as shamelessness. Well attack is the best form of defence right? But I am called to an openness which (some may find hard to believe) that even I find scarey at times. Why would He do that, call people to openness? Well the Bible has the answer to that too.
There is one verse that kind of sums it all up for me. It says “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed” (James 5: 16). It has to start somewhere. As I said earlier, when we are open and honest and transparent with one another, we discover that we are much more alike than we realize. I have been saying it a lot recently “in many things we all fail”, note "many things” not just a few, and no exceptions, not me, not you. When we confess to God, we are forgiven. When we find a safe place where there is unconditional acceptance, where we will not be judged when we confess to one another, then we are healed. This is a big part of the success of 12 step programs.
I have discovered though that confession, if it is not a two way street (i.e. one to another), is not safe. Actually if we do not confess our faults one to another we are likely to confess one another's faults (accusation), and this is not quite so healing (British understatement). Of course there will be times, even in genuine community, when there will be a need to go to the other person in humility and “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). When we fail to do either of the above, it is more than likely that we will tell others outside the relationship. That spreads the dirt, involves others in the problem, and invites them to take sides. Perhaps the two greatest destroyers of community are first of all gossip (and lets face it, gossip is all about telling the other brother), and second of all, the breaking of confidentiality. No community is safe where these two sins are allowed to go unchecked.
But what if there was a place where you were loved and accepted unconditionally, where your faults and weakness and shame were met with understanding and genuine sympathy, where people came along side you when you were hurting, even when it was your own fault? What if there was a place where every positive step was met with encouragement, where people helped you get up when you were down, where your confession was met not only with others saying they had the same problem, but that they were glad you shared because it helped them to get things off their chest? What if you discovered that a place like this is a place of healing and of encouragement to be all that you can be? What if you discovered that in such a place people liked you exactly as you are, warts and all?
Some would tell me “You are dreaming Phil, places like that do not exist”. But actually they do. When it is working properly (and in places it does), AA is such a place, as is ALANON. The Church is supposed to be like this. It is admittedly rare in North America (at least from what I have seen), but it does exist. In fact it is an essential part of what true Christian community is all about. We read about it in the early chapters of Acts. It is meant to provoke us to find it, or help create it when we don't. The Good Book tells us how, with God's help to make it happen, to find healing in openness and transparency. If, as I say, we cannot find it, then we need to create it. In last day's post I shared a primary goal in this latter stage of my life. I am more and more convinced that this can only be fully realized in the sort of community I am beginning to describe here. So finding/creating such a community is a major component of my goals in these last days. To what extent am I being successful? Well that is not for me to say. What is for me to say, is that I am determined, that I will with God's help either find it/create it, or die trying. More to come.
At a crucial time in my journey, yet another book was put into my hand. Actually it was a phrase from a book I was flipping through. The phrase (due to John Bradshaw) is this “If in a relationship one is open and the other covered, then both finish up violating each other”. I understood well how the open one is violated. Perhaps you do too, when in your attempt to be open and honest you were rejected and judged, and your confessions came back to you as accusations.
What I did not understand though, until I thought and prayed about it, is how the covered one is violated. As usual the insight came through the Bible. You see before the fall Adam and Eve were naked and they were not ashamed. After the fall they hid (Genesis 3). Before they made poor choices nakedness (openness and transparency) was normal and natural. Suddenly it became necessary to hide. In a world where people make poor choices, we somehow or other have to deal with hidden agendas, manipulation, control, judgmentalism, rejection and the like. I started to see that openness invites (or even demands) openness. But if we are frightened to death of being discovered, the “invitation” to be open can be received as an unwelcome pressure. It is a little bit like Adam trying to peek behind Eve's fig leaves. It feels a bit like the spiritual equivalent of sexual harassment. No wonder we hide. How could it be otherwise? I started to see why my openness was being regarded as shamelessness. Well attack is the best form of defence right? But I am called to an openness which (some may find hard to believe) that even I find scarey at times. Why would He do that, call people to openness? Well the Bible has the answer to that too.
There is one verse that kind of sums it all up for me. It says “Confess your faults one to another that you may be healed” (James 5: 16). It has to start somewhere. As I said earlier, when we are open and honest and transparent with one another, we discover that we are much more alike than we realize. I have been saying it a lot recently “in many things we all fail”, note "many things” not just a few, and no exceptions, not me, not you. When we confess to God, we are forgiven. When we find a safe place where there is unconditional acceptance, where we will not be judged when we confess to one another, then we are healed. This is a big part of the success of 12 step programs.
I have discovered though that confession, if it is not a two way street (i.e. one to another), is not safe. Actually if we do not confess our faults one to another we are likely to confess one another's faults (accusation), and this is not quite so healing (British understatement). Of course there will be times, even in genuine community, when there will be a need to go to the other person in humility and “in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). When we fail to do either of the above, it is more than likely that we will tell others outside the relationship. That spreads the dirt, involves others in the problem, and invites them to take sides. Perhaps the two greatest destroyers of community are first of all gossip (and lets face it, gossip is all about telling the other brother), and second of all, the breaking of confidentiality. No community is safe where these two sins are allowed to go unchecked.
But what if there was a place where you were loved and accepted unconditionally, where your faults and weakness and shame were met with understanding and genuine sympathy, where people came along side you when you were hurting, even when it was your own fault? What if there was a place where every positive step was met with encouragement, where people helped you get up when you were down, where your confession was met not only with others saying they had the same problem, but that they were glad you shared because it helped them to get things off their chest? What if you discovered that a place like this is a place of healing and of encouragement to be all that you can be? What if you discovered that in such a place people liked you exactly as you are, warts and all?
Some would tell me “You are dreaming Phil, places like that do not exist”. But actually they do. When it is working properly (and in places it does), AA is such a place, as is ALANON. The Church is supposed to be like this. It is admittedly rare in North America (at least from what I have seen), but it does exist. In fact it is an essential part of what true Christian community is all about. We read about it in the early chapters of Acts. It is meant to provoke us to find it, or help create it when we don't. The Good Book tells us how, with God's help to make it happen, to find healing in openness and transparency. If, as I say, we cannot find it, then we need to create it. In last day's post I shared a primary goal in this latter stage of my life. I am more and more convinced that this can only be fully realized in the sort of community I am beginning to describe here. So finding/creating such a community is a major component of my goals in these last days. To what extent am I being successful? Well that is not for me to say. What is for me to say, is that I am determined, that I will with God's help either find it/create it, or die trying. More to come.
Friday, October 8, 2010
If you don't pay attention to reality, it will bite you in the rear end.
The story is told of the little boy who admiring his daddy's wisdom asked him how he got to be so wise. “Experience” his father replied. This was followed by the inquiry as to where he got the experience, to which his father replied “I made a lot of mistakes”. There is a least one place where I could easily be that father. I certainly made a lot of mistakes. Did I learn from the school of hard knocks? I like to think that I did. But I have observed that while we all make mistakes, and we all suffer from the mistakes we make, we don't all seem to learn from them. Some of us are our own worst enemies.
The people who go through broken marriages, for example, seem to fall into one of two categories:- those who learn nothing from the experience, and those who change radically. I have seen this over and over. It is common, especially in the beginning, for both sides to lay 100% of the blame the other party. I am sure it happens a lot outside of broken marriages too, but it may not be so open for all to see. The problem though, is that if we don't take our share of the responsibility, we are likely to make the same mistakes over and over, and what is worse, our children are in danger (knowingly or unknowingly) of following our example (see “I will never be like my father, never”).
Psychology has noted that more often than not, the neglected become the neglectors, and the abused become the abusers. Less startling perhaps is that if we did not respect our parents we are not likely to respect our spouse, and our children are not likely to respect us. If we rebelled and did not repent, we set in motion an influence, a pressure that operates negatively in the lives of our children to follow suit (see August post “The Sins of the Fathers ...”). This business of blaming others for everything, of not not taking our share of the responsibility for our responses and for our own problems and difficulties, is widespread. Sure there are faults on the other side, and sure they need to accept their part of the blame, but things will not change with me, until I am willing to take ownership of my difficulties. It is not only the alcoholic who needs to make fearless moral inventories of his or her life (step 4 of 12 step programs). I am the only one I can change. Many have tried to change others, it does not work, trust me!
There are always both good and bad things that get passed down from our parents and grand parents. Sometimes we don't see the good, and sometimes we don't see the bad. Sometimes we are not allowed to see the bad (see last day's post). Even when we see it, we very often don't take sufficient notice of it to prevent it being passed onto the next generation. In such (and many other cases) if we do not take sufficient account of reality, it will come back to haunt us.
A primary goal for me, in the latter part of my life, is to fully engage in the ongoing process of embracing the good, and stopping my own and my inherited dysfunctions in their tracks. And, as much as they will listen, to show others the path, the ongoing growing/healing process that produces positive fruit in life. It started with my learning from the school of hard knocks that when I do not pay attention to reality, it comes and bites me in the rear end. I came to realize that God has fashioned reality as a tool to bring us back to Himself (see “A cursed earth ...”). On the other hand experience has also taught me that following His way, His Wisdom, His Word and His Spirit brings life and wholeness. One way or the other, we leave a heritage to our children and to those with whom we have influence. I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships, and love joy peace and humility in life. I have not by any means arrived, but I have been bitten in the rear end too many times not to pay attention to the lessons that life is trying to teach me. There is a recovery saying that makes a lot of sense to me. It is this “We will not change until the fear and pain of not changing becomes more than the pain and fear of change”. Life – reality – the laws and principles God put in place in the universe – these things are speaking to us, teaching us to turn and to repent, to come home to the lover and guardian of our souls, to the one who will guide us into all truth freedom and abundance of life. The question is are we listening, or are we like Adam and Eve still placing all the blame on others for the persistent gnawing in our hind quarters. We need to examine ourselves, our own part in it all. This is God's way, and following God's ways is not only good and right and proper, it is wise!
The people who go through broken marriages, for example, seem to fall into one of two categories:- those who learn nothing from the experience, and those who change radically. I have seen this over and over. It is common, especially in the beginning, for both sides to lay 100% of the blame the other party. I am sure it happens a lot outside of broken marriages too, but it may not be so open for all to see. The problem though, is that if we don't take our share of the responsibility, we are likely to make the same mistakes over and over, and what is worse, our children are in danger (knowingly or unknowingly) of following our example (see “I will never be like my father, never”).
Psychology has noted that more often than not, the neglected become the neglectors, and the abused become the abusers. Less startling perhaps is that if we did not respect our parents we are not likely to respect our spouse, and our children are not likely to respect us. If we rebelled and did not repent, we set in motion an influence, a pressure that operates negatively in the lives of our children to follow suit (see August post “The Sins of the Fathers ...”). This business of blaming others for everything, of not not taking our share of the responsibility for our responses and for our own problems and difficulties, is widespread. Sure there are faults on the other side, and sure they need to accept their part of the blame, but things will not change with me, until I am willing to take ownership of my difficulties. It is not only the alcoholic who needs to make fearless moral inventories of his or her life (step 4 of 12 step programs). I am the only one I can change. Many have tried to change others, it does not work, trust me!
There are always both good and bad things that get passed down from our parents and grand parents. Sometimes we don't see the good, and sometimes we don't see the bad. Sometimes we are not allowed to see the bad (see last day's post). Even when we see it, we very often don't take sufficient notice of it to prevent it being passed onto the next generation. In such (and many other cases) if we do not take sufficient account of reality, it will come back to haunt us.
A primary goal for me, in the latter part of my life, is to fully engage in the ongoing process of embracing the good, and stopping my own and my inherited dysfunctions in their tracks. And, as much as they will listen, to show others the path, the ongoing growing/healing process that produces positive fruit in life. It started with my learning from the school of hard knocks that when I do not pay attention to reality, it comes and bites me in the rear end. I came to realize that God has fashioned reality as a tool to bring us back to Himself (see “A cursed earth ...”). On the other hand experience has also taught me that following His way, His Wisdom, His Word and His Spirit brings life and wholeness. One way or the other, we leave a heritage to our children and to those with whom we have influence. I want to model openness and transparency (i.e. reality) in safe relationships, and love joy peace and humility in life. I have not by any means arrived, but I have been bitten in the rear end too many times not to pay attention to the lessons that life is trying to teach me. There is a recovery saying that makes a lot of sense to me. It is this “We will not change until the fear and pain of not changing becomes more than the pain and fear of change”. Life – reality – the laws and principles God put in place in the universe – these things are speaking to us, teaching us to turn and to repent, to come home to the lover and guardian of our souls, to the one who will guide us into all truth freedom and abundance of life. The question is are we listening, or are we like Adam and Eve still placing all the blame on others for the persistent gnawing in our hind quarters. We need to examine ourselves, our own part in it all. This is God's way, and following God's ways is not only good and right and proper, it is wise!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Most parents teach their children that what they teach them is the truth even when it is a lie ..
Most parents (teachers/professors/authority figures/politicians/people) tell their children (hearers), that what they tell them is the truth, even when it is a lie, and they are not allowed to know that it is a lie, and they are not allowed to know they are not allowed to know (I call it proof by intimidation).
Not all professors require you to mindlessly mimic their opinion on the exam, but far too many do. And the fact that they have the power to withhold your A, puts incredible pressure on you to conform. These things work “best” where one party has some level of power over the other one (as for example in parent child relationships). The phenomenon I am talking about is so widespread, that most of us wander round in kind of a semi- hypnotic trance. If you wake up, you had better be careful who you tell, because those who love you the most are likely to punish you the most, because they bless them are asleep.
Let me quickly say something that (hopefully) will avoid my being misunderstood here. It is fashionable to blame our parents for everything. But fashions do not always tell the whole story. No parent is perfect, but then neither are their offspring. Your parents parents were not perfect either, and your parents likely inherited a lot of garbage they were not equipped to handle (see "The sins of the Fathers ..." ). If your parents are typical, and their parents are typical, they did their very best. When we are hurting, we don't usually see this. But we all have to deal with the effects on us, of the sins and ignorance of others. Our parents did and we do. We need to play the hand we are dealt. As adults we are not helpless victims. We all need to take responsibility for our reactions to the sins of others and for our own sins. There is much to say about this. What I want to say here, is that playing the blame game and the victim game keeps us stuck, no matter how justified we are (or feel). I am not suggesting this is easy. We need help, we need a lot of help. It starts by our admitting that we need it. The deeper the hurt the more help we need. Life has a way of messing us up. Councilors can help, but there are times when the hurt is so deep that only God can sort it out (see “Psychology without faith is lame”).
It helps if we are willing to see our own part in all of this. We also need to make sure that we do not pass this on to others (see “I will never be like my Father, never" July 2010). It can start like this, we all want others to think highly of us, and we all hide things. When we do this, knowingly or unknowingly our presenting face is a mask, it does not reflect reality. Of course, we do not admit that what we are presenting is not realty, and it is crazy making. Deception involves much much more than telling outright lies. This is why in court we swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Omitting aspects of the truth can be just as deceptive as telling an outright lie. The story of Adam and Eve in Genesis tells us that before they chose to sin (the fall), they were naked and without shame. After the fall they hid. They hid from God, from each other and from themselves. After the fall instead of honesty, openness and transparency (nakedness without shame) they covered themselves. We hide because we don't feel safe, and we hide because we don't want others to see our sin and our shame. Adam and Eve blamed each other (See 'you don't believe in Adam and eve do you? - June 2010), and just like the ripple effect on a pond, the consequences went on and on and on. It was no longer safe to be open and honest, they were covered in shame, and shame hides.
It is a downward spiral, it sucks us into its trap and imprisons us. We hide because of the fear of being exposed. We think “If people really know what I am like, they will reject me”. One of the things that happens in genuine Christian community (as opposed to those communities that just play church, and continue to wear masks), is that we discover how much alike we are, how many of our problems are universal. In a safe place like this, we also learn not to judge, because when the blinkers are off, we see that we are in no position to judge. We are all sinners saved by Grace. It can be very humbling, but is it the place of reality, and hence of healing (James 5:16). Such places do exist outside of genuine Christian community, but it is safest when we are willing to meet together in the shadow of the cross of Christ, in gratitude for what He has done for us. Unfortunately such places are rare, both inside and outside the church
Outside of this kind of community the fear of rejection and the fear of being judged, pushes us deeper and deeper into hiding. We need to hide the fact that we are not being open and honest. So we cover our omissions with more deception. We do this so convincingly at times that we even cover it from ourselves. You see there are two kinds of shamelessness. There is the shamelessness of the prostitute (which at least is honest), and then there is the shamelessness of the Pharisee (the religious leaders of Jesus' time). The shamelessness of the Pharisee is a self righteousness that is blind to its own faults. This shamelessness says “I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I am perfect”, and looks down on others not as “perfect” as himself. But the reality is that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). So then when we hide in this way, we are living a lie, and in order to maintain this lie, we need to tell (ourselves and others) more lies. What this does is to set up a shame fear control stronghold in our lives. We don't allow people to know that we are living a lie, and we don't allow them to know that we don't allow them to know.
Not all professors require you to mindlessly mimic their opinion on the exam, but far too many do. And the fact that they have the power to withhold your A, puts incredible pressure on you to conform. These things work “best” where one party has some level of power over the other one (as for example in parent child relationships). The phenomenon I am talking about is so widespread, that most of us wander round in kind of a semi- hypnotic trance. If you wake up, you had better be careful who you tell, because those who love you the most are likely to punish you the most, because they bless them are asleep.
Let me quickly say something that (hopefully) will avoid my being misunderstood here. It is fashionable to blame our parents for everything. But fashions do not always tell the whole story. No parent is perfect, but then neither are their offspring. Your parents parents were not perfect either, and your parents likely inherited a lot of garbage they were not equipped to handle (see "The sins of the Fathers ..." ). If your parents are typical, and their parents are typical, they did their very best. When we are hurting, we don't usually see this. But we all have to deal with the effects on us, of the sins and ignorance of others. Our parents did and we do. We need to play the hand we are dealt. As adults we are not helpless victims. We all need to take responsibility for our reactions to the sins of others and for our own sins. There is much to say about this. What I want to say here, is that playing the blame game and the victim game keeps us stuck, no matter how justified we are (or feel). I am not suggesting this is easy. We need help, we need a lot of help. It starts by our admitting that we need it. The deeper the hurt the more help we need. Life has a way of messing us up. Councilors can help, but there are times when the hurt is so deep that only God can sort it out (see “Psychology without faith is lame”).
It helps if we are willing to see our own part in all of this. We also need to make sure that we do not pass this on to others (see “I will never be like my Father, never" July 2010). It can start like this, we all want others to think highly of us, and we all hide things. When we do this, knowingly or unknowingly our presenting face is a mask, it does not reflect reality. Of course, we do not admit that what we are presenting is not realty, and it is crazy making. Deception involves much much more than telling outright lies. This is why in court we swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Omitting aspects of the truth can be just as deceptive as telling an outright lie. The story of Adam and Eve in Genesis tells us that before they chose to sin (the fall), they were naked and without shame. After the fall they hid. They hid from God, from each other and from themselves. After the fall instead of honesty, openness and transparency (nakedness without shame) they covered themselves. We hide because we don't feel safe, and we hide because we don't want others to see our sin and our shame. Adam and Eve blamed each other (See 'you don't believe in Adam and eve do you? - June 2010), and just like the ripple effect on a pond, the consequences went on and on and on. It was no longer safe to be open and honest, they were covered in shame, and shame hides.
It is a downward spiral, it sucks us into its trap and imprisons us. We hide because of the fear of being exposed. We think “If people really know what I am like, they will reject me”. One of the things that happens in genuine Christian community (as opposed to those communities that just play church, and continue to wear masks), is that we discover how much alike we are, how many of our problems are universal. In a safe place like this, we also learn not to judge, because when the blinkers are off, we see that we are in no position to judge. We are all sinners saved by Grace. It can be very humbling, but is it the place of reality, and hence of healing (James 5:16). Such places do exist outside of genuine Christian community, but it is safest when we are willing to meet together in the shadow of the cross of Christ, in gratitude for what He has done for us. Unfortunately such places are rare, both inside and outside the church
Outside of this kind of community the fear of rejection and the fear of being judged, pushes us deeper and deeper into hiding. We need to hide the fact that we are not being open and honest. So we cover our omissions with more deception. We do this so convincingly at times that we even cover it from ourselves. You see there are two kinds of shamelessness. There is the shamelessness of the prostitute (which at least is honest), and then there is the shamelessness of the Pharisee (the religious leaders of Jesus' time). The shamelessness of the Pharisee is a self righteousness that is blind to its own faults. This shamelessness says “I have done nothing to be ashamed of, I am perfect”, and looks down on others not as “perfect” as himself. But the reality is that in many things we all fail (James 3:2). So then when we hide in this way, we are living a lie, and in order to maintain this lie, we need to tell (ourselves and others) more lies. What this does is to set up a shame fear control stronghold in our lives. We don't allow people to know that we are living a lie, and we don't allow them to know that we don't allow them to know.
Friday, October 1, 2010
A thousand reasons to do it, a thousand reasons not to
There is a saying, that if a man wants to do something (clearly the ladies are excluded :) ), he will find a thousand reasons to do it. If on the other hand, he does not want to do something, he will find a thousand reasons not to do it. I have seen it over and over. Actually what I have seen is that if a man really wants to do something though there be a thousand reasons not to do it, if he finds even one reason to ignore the thousand, he is off to the races. He will then look for nine hundred ninety nine reasons to justify his actions, and he will find them (even if he has to tell himself a bunch of lies), and he will surround himself with those who (for whatever reason) agree with him. It is everywhere. It is in me, and it is in you, if only potentially.
Psychology explains all this in terms of denial and rationalization. Thousands of years earlier the Bible gave greater insight when it explained that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).
I have come to the place where I am fully convinced that each and every one of us, given the right (or perhaps the wrong) circumstances, is capable of the most heinous of sins/crimes. There was a time when I had murder in my heart, justifiable murder (at least in the perspective of the time). I didn't follow through though (just in case you were wondering). But why? Perhaps it was simply that I was not convinced that I would get away with it. Who knows accurately his or her own motives?
Woody Allen, in an explanation of his affair with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter is reported to have said "The heart wants what the heart wants". The point of the quote though is that it reflects very much the philosophy of out culture. Allan's explanation seems to imply that we are at the mercy of what the heart wants. But what if the heart wants incest, or rape? The heart may want what it wants, but should the heart always have what it wants?
A friend of mine once told me that he felt a marriage would be successful only if the parties were lucky enough not to meet someone they liked better outside of the marriage. But as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Whatever happened to faithfulness, to integrity? Whatever happened to commitment?
Our choices have consequences. In the break up of a marriage, for example, the children suffer deeply. Research is just beginning to show that the break up of a marriage scars the children for life. Try googling “Life long trauma of adult children of divorce”. There is growing evidence that this trauma is only slightly lessened (if at all) when the divorce takes place after the children are grown. One person described the effect of divorce on the children as tearing the children in two. You see no matter how careful we try to be, our self justification puts pressure on the children to take sides. I mean if your mum and dad are fighting, who do you want to win?
Certainly divorce has a profound effect on the sense of stability and security of the children. It has to do with seeing what was thought to be permanent, sound secure and unmovable, collapse. It sets a powerful negative example of how to deal with problems, of how even relationships are to be evaluated by usefulness in this throw away, and increasingly sick society in which we live. In any case statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to divorce than those whose parents work through their difficulties. It is even worse when the parents are Christian, since the children are likely to say “even God could not help mum and dad”. No wonder God hates divorce.
But the divorce rates are just one symptom of how sick our society has become. It is not just the environment that is showing signs of the abuse that is heaped upon it. Consider for example, our increasing self-centeredness, our propensity to take rather than give, to hate rather than love, to demand rather than negotiate, to tear down rather than encourage, to blame rather than own up, to build walls rather than bridges, to avenge rather than forgive, to see our side, but not the other person's. These things and more, are pushing us more and more into self absorption, isolation, loneliness and pain. Part of the solution, is to “take fearless inventory” of where we are “at” (step 4 of 12 step programs), to admit our side in all (and more) of what is written above, to turn from it and to return to the guardian and overseer of our souls. When we do this He will abundantly pardon, and when we start to follow Him in radical (and costly) obedience, we will discover He is the Comforter and the Healer, the lover and restorer of our souls, and the fountain of love and joy and peace. It is His promise.
Psychology explains all this in terms of denial and rationalization. Thousands of years earlier the Bible gave greater insight when it explained that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9).
I have come to the place where I am fully convinced that each and every one of us, given the right (or perhaps the wrong) circumstances, is capable of the most heinous of sins/crimes. There was a time when I had murder in my heart, justifiable murder (at least in the perspective of the time). I didn't follow through though (just in case you were wondering). But why? Perhaps it was simply that I was not convinced that I would get away with it. Who knows accurately his or her own motives?
Woody Allen, in an explanation of his affair with Mia Farrow's adopted daughter is reported to have said "The heart wants what the heart wants". The point of the quote though is that it reflects very much the philosophy of out culture. Allan's explanation seems to imply that we are at the mercy of what the heart wants. But what if the heart wants incest, or rape? The heart may want what it wants, but should the heart always have what it wants?
A friend of mine once told me that he felt a marriage would be successful only if the parties were lucky enough not to meet someone they liked better outside of the marriage. But as the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Whatever happened to faithfulness, to integrity? Whatever happened to commitment?
Our choices have consequences. In the break up of a marriage, for example, the children suffer deeply. Research is just beginning to show that the break up of a marriage scars the children for life. Try googling “Life long trauma of adult children of divorce”. There is growing evidence that this trauma is only slightly lessened (if at all) when the divorce takes place after the children are grown. One person described the effect of divorce on the children as tearing the children in two. You see no matter how careful we try to be, our self justification puts pressure on the children to take sides. I mean if your mum and dad are fighting, who do you want to win?
Certainly divorce has a profound effect on the sense of stability and security of the children. It has to do with seeing what was thought to be permanent, sound secure and unmovable, collapse. It sets a powerful negative example of how to deal with problems, of how even relationships are to be evaluated by usefulness in this throw away, and increasingly sick society in which we live. In any case statistics show that children of divorce are far more likely to divorce than those whose parents work through their difficulties. It is even worse when the parents are Christian, since the children are likely to say “even God could not help mum and dad”. No wonder God hates divorce.
But the divorce rates are just one symptom of how sick our society has become. It is not just the environment that is showing signs of the abuse that is heaped upon it. Consider for example, our increasing self-centeredness, our propensity to take rather than give, to hate rather than love, to demand rather than negotiate, to tear down rather than encourage, to blame rather than own up, to build walls rather than bridges, to avenge rather than forgive, to see our side, but not the other person's. These things and more, are pushing us more and more into self absorption, isolation, loneliness and pain. Part of the solution, is to “take fearless inventory” of where we are “at” (step 4 of 12 step programs), to admit our side in all (and more) of what is written above, to turn from it and to return to the guardian and overseer of our souls. When we do this He will abundantly pardon, and when we start to follow Him in radical (and costly) obedience, we will discover He is the Comforter and the Healer, the lover and restorer of our souls, and the fountain of love and joy and peace. It is His promise.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
