Cycles of grief

I was at a celebration of life breakfast this morning, for a brother who recently went to be with the Lord. And because we know that Dennis is with the Lord, the breakfast was a mixture of sorrow and joy, laughter and tears. Concerning those who go to be with the Lord the Scripture says “We do not grieve as those without hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). It does not say that we do not grieve, but that our grief is not without hope. I know the difference, because when my father died over fifty years ago now, I had no hope. I knew nothing of the possibility of seeing him again, and I was devastated, and inconsolable.

What a difference! It’s not only about the hope of seeing our loved ones again, it is also about receiving comfort from the God of all comfort. And He comforts us with a comfort that enables us to comfort others who have gone through, or are going through similar things (2 Corinthians 1:4). There was a lot of it going on this morning!

I was speaking to another brother on the way out, who has also suffered from a recent bereavement. We were talking about the emotional roller coaster these significant losses bring. The way I describe it, is that grief comes in waves. And when the grief is new and raw, the waves are high and frequent. But when, with His help, we deal with our grief in a healthy way, the waves get smaller, and further apart. They can however be triggered by all kinds of things. And this morning the grief in the room brought back echoes of grief from the time my mother-in-law died over thirty years ago. In fact each new loss seems to trigger echoes of all other past significant losses. And I am grateful again for the comfort that He brings, and that I do not have to face these things alone without Him, neither do you, it is there for the asking!

Father, nobody said that it was going to be easy, You did not, and it’s just as well because it’s not! But I want to thank You this morning for Your promise Lord, that on that day there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain (Revelation 21:4). And once again I can identify with Paul that down here for me is all about living for Christ, nevertheless there is a strong longing from my home in heaven (Philippians 1:21). But also like Paul, I know my work down here is not yet done, so Father please keep me faithful, in Your precious Name Amen

Be transformed by the renewing of your mind

In the movie “The Mexican” Brad Pitt is mixed up with characters who will kill him if he crosses them. He tells his girlfriend Julia Roberts, “I need to go to Mexico, if I don’t go, I will be killed!” Julia hearing the word “I” three times in this sentence replies “I, I, I, it’s always all about you!” There are two things here worth noting. The first is when we accuse somebody of something, we are often doing the very same thing, in this case thinking only about oneself (Romans 2:1)! The second thing, is that though there would not have been time in this case, interactions like this, can be used as opportunities it’s to change our thinking, to renew our mind.

The wife of a Christian couple I know told me not long ago “I didn’t realize how selfish I was until I got married!” There are two encouraging things going on in this marriage. The first is that they are is mutual submission and they are sharpening each other (Ephesians 5:21; Proverbs 27:17). The second is they are both seeking to put into practice Philippians 2:3 which says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.” What I am trying to say here, is that the renewing of our minds works best when we are applying Biblical principles, and are motivated by gratitude and allegiance to what God has done.

In particular it is because of the tender mercies of our God that Paul admonishes us to be in the ongoing process of being transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:1, 2). And the tender mercies of our God include deliverance from the penalty, the power and the pollution of sin. Not only this, but also the future deliverance from it’s very presence (Romans chapters 6 to 8). Cognitive psychology has cottoned on to the Biblical principal (two thousand years later) that our behaviour can be changed by the transformation of the mind. But as I have already said, this works best when (a) we have a Christ inspired motivation, (b) we use Biblical principles and (c) tap into the resurrection power available to us in Him (Philippians 3:10)!

Father, I want to thank You again this morning Lord, that secular psychology many times confirms or gives insights into Biblical principles. But there is so much more to it than the principles. Thank You not only for the motivation, but also for Your promise to change our desires and to give is the wherewithal to do what we know we should do when we fully surrender to you (Philippians 2:12, 13). Thank You Lord that I see this transforming power in those You are calling to Yourself, and I thank You for it in my own life! And I give you the honour and glory and praise again this morning in Jesus Name Amen

Anger and honour. Generational sins (Part 9)

The idea we all have as infants, that our parents are all wise and all-knowing, will likely always have disappeared by the teenage years, sometimes much, much earlier. Certainly no parent is perfect, and being angry at one’s parents, especially the father, is quite common. But the principle/promise that our own failings will not be visited upon our children is contingent upon our turning to God to love and obey Him (Exodus 20:6). And one of His commandments,given in this very context, is that we should honour our fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12).

It is hard to honour someone when you’re angry with them, but this commandment has a promise attached to it. And the promises is “that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth” (Ephesians 6:3). And though for some it may be hard, it is necessary for our spiritual health and the spiritual health of those we love (Hebrews 12:15). I have heard it said that unforgiveness and bitterness, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. It seems to be true. We need to forgive and honour our parents even for our own sake!

Honouring your father and mother is about being respectful of their position in words and actions, even if they don’t deserve it. I am linking honour and forgiveness in this post. But it does not honour our parents if we continue to let them abuse or manipulate us. Likewise forgiveness is very different from saying that what happened, or what they did was right, or that we should continue to put up with things that are wrong. As adults, we may in fact even have to respectfully distance ourselves from them at times. And the principal that I think applies here is “As much as is possible within you live at peace with all” (Romans 12:18). It is not always possible!

Father, perhaps there are many reading this post who had a very happy childhood, and kind and loving parents. But I know that this is very far from always being the case! But in any case, there are always issues that need to be dealt with. I know I will never be perfect in this life, but what I want to pass on to my children, and my children’s children, is the example of dealing with issues as You reveal them to me. Thank You Lord, for the help that comes with each such revelation, and thank You that You continue to work in me to make me more like You. We cannot do this without You Lord. We cannot in Jesus Name Amen

Generational sins (Part 8) Dealing with guilt and/or anger - Guilt

We are strange creatures us humans, we can be dealing with crippling guilt or debilitating anger and still be in denial about it, or it can be just about the only thing we think about. We can be blaming ourselves, or be stuck in victim mode. This morning, I’m thinking about the guilt we bear because the consequences our sins have for our children, and/or those we influence. Earlier in this series of posts on generational sins, we were looking (Part 4) at Exodus 20:5,6 in terms of motivation to deal with our issues. This morning I want to look at the verse “But showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments” (Exodus 20:6) in terms of dealing with guilt.

Coming to the place where we come out of denial, and begin to realize how deeply our sin and our issues impact the lives of others, especially our children, can be very difficult. But for those of us who turn to Christ, our faith is in a God of redemption. And behind the principal in this morning’s verse, is the fact that when we turn to him in radical obedience, then we are in effect standing in the gap and he begins the process of setting right the wrong. He turns the negative inheritance of three or four generations (verse 5), into blessings for many, many generations to come (verse 6). And I am claiming this principle/promise for my own children, and for those my life’s has influenced and is influinsing.

In discussing these things at the Bible study last night, the verse “I will pour My Spirit on your descendants, And My blessing on your offspring“ (Isaiah 44:3) was brought to my attention. We can add to this other promises such as “All your children shall be taught by the LORD, And great shall be the peace of your children” (Isaiah 54:13). And when I choose to trust that He will do what He says he will do in this area, and also in the area of cleansing me of my guilt (1 John 1:9), then my peace returns. And it comes to me again, that the very best thing that I can do for my children and those I influence, is for me to become whole by loving Him, obeying Him and in particular, dealing with my issues.

Father, once again this morning I had to cast my care and concern for others upon You. It was threatening to trip me up! After I have done my part in repenting and turning to You, then I need to leave the consequences to You. I am still tending to take on more responsibility than You call me to. But I’m learning! Thank You Lord that You who begun a good work in me will bring it to completion in Jesus Name Amen

What elephant? Generational sins (Part 7)

Most of us can see the flaws in others far more clearly than we can see them in ourselves. Add to this our tendency to blame rather than accept responsibility for our part in all that goes wrong, and it is easy to see why so many of us are still in denial. And it seems to me that each and every one of us is in denial at some level (yes me too). I have often thought that if the Lord showed us everything that is wrong at the same time, we would (I would) die. Thankfully, He is too merciful to do that, and what I have experienced is that He does not reveal more than with His help, I can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13). But if we are to keep moving forward we will need to fully cooperate with Him.

The secular way of doing things and the Biblical way, things have much in common (though of course the Bible got there first). Family systems therapy employs what is called the genogram. It is a kind of family tree that records family difficulties and distress. So for example it records incidents of divorce, alcoholism, suicide, codependency issues etc., etc. The idea is to detect patterns of behaviour so that we can predict what might happen, and then intervene in some way. The idea behind the fearless moral inventory and making amends in the Biblically inspired 12 step programs, is similar. In these steps we discover the often hidden patterns by systematically working through who we need to forgive, and to whom we need to make amends. This also helps us to see that we are at some level still deep in denial!

When the higher power in a 12 step program is Jesus, it opens up many advantages. For example we have the sure principles of the Word of God as well as the promises we find there. Plus we also have access to the Power of the Holy Spirit. Part of this power, when we fully surrender, is that He gives both the desire and the wherewithal to do what needs to be done (Philippians 2:12,13). It needs to be fearless, because this process is hard, and many give up at this stage. We should not do this alone. The fellowship of fellow strugglers is huge and we have an amazing promise, that if we confess our faults to one another, and pray for one another, then we will be healed (James 5:16) Hallelujah!

Father, it is important for us to keep praying “Search me oh God, and see if there be any wicked way within me” (Psalm 139:24). But I also need to be obedient to deal with what You show me. Thank you Lord, that You always have my best interest at heart, and that You have promised to work all things together for my good because I love you and am called according to Your purposes. Thank You that when I surrender completely to You, then You change my desires into Your awesome desires for my life, and You give me the wherewithal to do what pleases You. I thank You again this morning Lord for this, and for many other things, in Jesus Name Amen

The elephant in the room (Part 2) Generational sins (Part 6)

Some elephants in the room are bigger than others, and some have been there so long and are so much part of the furniture, that we are no longer aware that we are tiptoeing around them. The Lord gave me a picture years ago, of how painful and disruptive a process dealing with these “elephants” can be. The potato patch in the garden had been left idle for four years. I had the use of a rotary tiller for four hours, and had intended to do a 20 x 20 plot. But the grass was so matted I finished up only doing a 10 x 10 area. And even after that, it needed a lot of spadework. The Lord then gave me a mental picture of a huge tree stump with a chain linking it to a huge carthorse. There were also several men digging around the stump all trying to extract it.

I felt the Lord saying to me that if it was difficult to till the ground after only four years, imagine how difficult it would be if it was left generation after generation. To mix the metaphors a little, it’s a little bit like pulling a tooth without anesthetic. I understood that if someone starts to deal with the issues, then they are likely to be violating the unspoken but strongly held family rules such as “Don’t think, don’t speak, don’t feel, don’t act, don’t rock the boat.” But to continue the dentist analogy, if the problem is not dealt with it gets worse, and though dealing with the issues is painful for a while, the long-term effects are beneficial.

Since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and since the sins of the fathers are visited on the children when the issues are not dealt with (Exodus 20:5,6), then it is highly likely, that you and I have inherited family dysfunction at some level even if we do not recognize it (it’s all part of denial!). I only recently realized, that the men in the carthorse picture represent the fact that we cannot do this alone. When our actions cause others pain, even with the best of intentions, we are likely with the kickback to second-guess ourselves. We need support in order to push through. And this is why recovery programs that involve the fellowship of fellow strugglers tend to have higher success rates learn those who attempted recovery alone.

Father, I see this last point in spades in the prison ministry. I see inmates who really want to change, want to give up the drugs etc., etc. But their existing support group outside usually consists of those who are still using. And more often than not, we are seeing them come back time after time. It is not just with inmates of course, and I am asking You this morning Lord to help anyone who is beginning to see the need to deal with the problems in their life, that You give them the courage and the support they need to start the process of making the necessary changes. Help us Lord, like You did, to push through the pain to the promised joy (Hebrews 12:1,2). Thank You Lord for the support that You give, and while I certainly need others, more importantly I cannot do this without You. I would not have survived! In Jesus Name Amen

Generational sins (Part 5) The elephant in the room (Part 1)

There seems to be a widespread the public perception, that twelve-step programs are only necessary/useful for those dealing with substance abuse. But this is not the case. What I am seeing over and over, is that people who come into such programs to help “those people,” finish up realizing that they are one of those people themselves! What is happening here, is that as they go through the steps, it starts to become evident that they too have an elephant in the room. You know, an issue that at some level everybody is aware of, but for whatever reason is neither talked about nor dealt with. What I am saying is that as we work the steps we start to come out of denial, the very first of the twelve steps!

There are a number of reasons why we don’t talk about/deal with the elephant in the room. Perhaps one of them is that it’s always difficult, and that we may have no idea how to handle it. Another reason may be that we may simply want to keep the peace, such as it is! Programs like Al-Anon, which are also 12-step based, can help us to come to terms with the fact that our own behaviour may be hindering rather than helping the situation. it is not only twelve-step programs that can help of course, and all recovery programs have strengths and weaknesses. That’s because they are run by people, and nobody is perfect!. Certainly some programs are more suitable than others for dealing with our own particular elephant. But what is interesting to me, is that programs that work all seemed to have common elements, and that all of them at some level have Biblical warrant!

Common elements of Christ based recovery programs include coming out of denial, finding Hope that God can help us solve our problems, and then fully committing our lives to follow Him. At this point, there is a need to dig deeper and, in the language of twelve-step programs, to take a fearless moral inventory. This is about figuring out my part, what is my responsibility and what is not. It’s about making amends for the wrong I have done, and extending forgiveness for the wrongs done to me. We need support at this stage, I don’t think we can do this effectively alone. There is a reason that we are told to confess our faults one to another and to pray for one another, it is that this is the sure route to healing (James 5:16). It does need to be done in a safe place however, and this is where having Christ is our higher Power comes into full advantage. What I mean, is that we when we are all willing to come together to the foot of the cross in mutual submission, then we begin to see there is no difference (Romans 3:23), and this gives us the very best hope to find solutions and peace with each other!

Father, it is very clear to me that recovery is a life long process. In fact I have found that there are a number of elephants in the room. It seems that when we have dealt with the most obvious one, and continue the process of recovery, we discover smaller elephants that were invisible because of the enormity of the first one. I think we have misunderstood sanctification Lord as simply becoming holy. But more and more I am convinced that Christ centred, Biblically-based recovery programs are vehicles that You want to use to bring us into the abundant life that You have promised. I want all that You have for me Father, and I ask You again this morning Lord to do whatever it takes to keep me moving forward, and I will give You all the honour, glory and praise in Jesus name amen