Conflict avoidance: Iron sharpening iron and conflict (II)

There is open hostility, and then there is passive aggression. Open hostility is easy to spot, passive aggressive behaviour not so much. It can manifest itself in dragging your heels, the silent treatment, being overly picky, or interpreting remarks in the worst possible way. It is my observation that passive aggressive behaviour is common among Christians. There are many subtle ways to “voice” disapproval without saying a word, a withering look, a judgemental attitude, a punishing silence. I tend to get loud when I am upset, and I have been told more than once that this is because I am immature. Well perhaps I am, but as a general principle disapproving of any and all disagreement, is actually conflict avoidance!

Conflict avoidance has a show of maturity, but actually it is detrimental (or worse) to the fostering of deep, personal and intimate relationships. If we can’t deal with conflict period, our relationships are in trouble. Not dealing with the things that needed to be dealt with, chips away at our love, and is a breeding ground for resentment or disrespect. In any long-term relationship, there are always things that need to be dealt with, the enemy of our souls makes sure of that. In fact his agenda is to kill, steel and to destroy (John 10:10a), and on top of that he is a liar (John 8:44 ). He provokes us and sows discord among us. So it is important to distinguish his voice from our own thoughts when he whispers into our ear!

In court, we swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. In a recent conversation, I asked my friend why it was important to tell the whole truth. His reply is revealing “An expression of… truth with omissions can really distort the full truth, to the point where it starts to not even resemble the truth at all.” The reason I am bringing this up here, is that in disagreement neither of us knows the whole truth. A Christian Psychologist I know has come to the conclusion that in a marital dispute, both sides know only about 10% of the truth. So there is 80% that is unknown, and yet far too often both sides are 100% sure they are right. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt!

Father, coming to terms with the fact that I had used anger to get my own way was a big part of what You used to bring me to Yourself. What I had not realized though, is that in the woundedness that came out of that way of operating, I had become a conflict avoider, peace at any price! It’s difficult Lord, because when we do see the need to change, we can, like I did, go from one extreme to the other. We may need professional help to come to the place we can even start hear each other! We certainly need Your help. As you know Lord, I allowed myself to be provoked to the other day. And I thank You for my brother’s gentle ways and his ability to forgive as I apologized for responding before I had fully dealt with the offence. Yes Lord we really do need Your help, and I’m asking for it again this morning Lord in Jesus Name Amen