Iron sharpening iron and conflict (I)

It is quite common for international students, when they first arrive in Canada, to try and negotiate the price of accommodation with their perspective landlords. But this is not a bartering culture. Our whole culture is a “Take it or leave it culture.” But my ten months in Uganda helped me to appreciate the value of a bartering culture. At first it bugged me to have have to negotiate, and I did not initially do it well, even becoming hostile at times! But when it is done properly and respectfully, it actually builds relationships, and has other advantages. Here in Canada, if you can’t afford it, you don’t buy it (at least you should not)! But in a bartering culture there is always the possibility you can get him or her down to price you can afford. You see if the merchant is having a bad month he may be willing to let it go for less than he normally would!

In a bartering culture you learn early on to negotiate, and to do it in a respectful way, giving dignity to the one with whom you are negotiating. My initial hostile mode of operation got me nowhere! Negotiating well is a learned skill! And part of this is to look for win - win solutions, solutions where both parties (at least in theory) would go away satisfied. In fact negotiating in any other way is condemned in Scripture (Proverbs 20:14). In a “take it or leave it culture,” there is no natural place to lean how to deal respectfully with situations where we disagree. In effect the normal mode of operation too easily becomes “my way or the highway!” You have to wonder how many of those pesky “irreconcilable differences” would become reconcilable if we would only learn to negotiate respectfully and look for win win solutions.

Perhaps overly simplistically, the world is divided into two. Those who are willing to be aggressive in order to get their own way, and then there are conflict avoiders. Both ways are destructive of relationships. The aggressive one may get his or her own way, but will likely stunt the love of the other. The conflict avoider will likely stunt his or her own love, and be in grave danger of being resentful, and/or passive aggressive. What needs to happen in valuable relationships, is that we need to come together at the foot of the cross where in humility, we see that there is no difference, since all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. And we need to ask God for help.

Father, I see offence taking place everywhere both inside and outside the church. So I ask You this morning Lord to help us to lay aside offence and be eager and willing to live at peace. Not peace and any price, but a negotiated peace where we learn, to engage in the iron sharpening iron process (Proverbs 27:17) not only in respect and honour, but also to choose our “battles.” Not every issue is worth going to the wall about. So Father, please give us the wisdom to know which “battles” to negotiate, the serenity to leave those You tell us to leave with You, and the courage to respectfully and humbly engage when it is appropriate. Please help us also to know when to take a break, and when to come back. In Jesus Name Amen