Conflict avoidance, anger and separation: “Do to her as you please”

Sari was angry and was blaming Abram for it all. Abram had got Hagar,  Sari's maidservant pregnant, when he did Hagar despised her mistress. It was Sari's suggestion and  He could have said no. But now,  in the face of Sari's anger, he tells her to do as she pleases.  He likely knew Sari's would treat her harshly (Genesis 16:1-6). Abram's behaviour is called conflict avoidance.  But how could he have handled it differently? Well, we are to be imitators of God, and  Abram would have know how, in the face of Cain's anger,  the Lord asked Cain “Why are you angry” (4:6)? One of the many books I bought but never read,  is called “Crucial Conversations.”  Abram and Sari needed to have a difficult but necessary conversation.

“Why are you angry Sari?” 'Hagar despises me, she is pregnant and I'm not!' “What happen?” 'You got her pregnant.' “Whose decision was that?” 'Yours!'  “No Sarai, it was ours.  I should, of course have said no. But if you hadn't agreed, you wouldn't have made the suggestion.  But now what are we going to do?” 'I don't know.' “Would it be right to take your anger out on Hagar, she had no choice in the matter (servants do as they're told)?  We need to have a crucial conversation with Hagar and sort this out! Then we need to figure out what needs to change,  how to do things differently so we don't make the same mistakes in the future. But first you need to deal with your anger.”

I was something of a conflict avoider myself. I came by it honestly, it was in my parent's DNA (Exodus 20:5). In figuring it all out I came to understand its destructive nature. It works like this: Firstly I subconsciously copied my parents conflict avoidance. I was trying to be nice (see tomorrow's post). Secondly in doing so, problems were not dealt with, but pushed under the rug. Scripture admonishes us to deal with the “little foxes that spoil the vine” (Song 2:15). In other words deal with the problems while they are small and manageable. Next with more and more conflict avoidance, more and more problems are pushed under the rug. Trying to be nice, we endure.  But there is a monster forming under the rug, and the little foxes grow up, and what seemed like not worth marking a fuss over, is ever larger and larger, and more and more irritating. This,  plus we discover in the other person more and more inappropriate behaviour. For example, passive aggression, suppressed anger, punishing silences and distancing take place. Finally the dam bursts and the monster emerges.  We have endured and endured,  and endured until we can endure no more. If we could not deal with the problems while they were tiny, how can we deal with the monster? Friends fall out and become enemies, anger,  divorce  separation, bitterness and other negative reactions result. The same patterns are then passed on to the next generation. It happen in the story (Genesis 21:10-12)

Father, we are all in need of understanding where our pain comes from and deal with it functionally. We need to figure out what's our responsibility,  and what needs to change. We only likely do this when things go wrong. Help us to have the crucial conversations when they do Lord,  so that with Your help we can, as iron sharpens iron, sharpen and refine each other. And please give us grace and humility to do this well Lord,  in Jesus Name Amen

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