Three steps in the forgiveness journey

It is important for us to acknowledging that forgiveness is often a process, a journey, not an instant fix! This morning I want to mention three possible stages in this journey. The first can be described as “I forgive you, but I don’t want anything to do with you.” In other words I forgive you but I’m putting up a boundary between us. The second stage is “I forgive you, and I will say hello to you if I bump into you in the hallway.” At this stage I am beginning to see that you are a person made in God’s image, and so worthy of respect. I am willing to acknowledge you, but I still do not feel safe in your presence. Trust remember, needs to be earned! The third stage is “I forgive you, and I am willing to take steps to become fully reconciled, and to be your friend.” Let me acknowledge, there will likely be times when we may never feel safe enough to arrive at this last stage.

With God’s help however, all things are possible, and by tapping into His extravagant healing grace, the third stage needs normally to be our goal (Hebrews 12:15)! The Lord is raising up various tools and ministries to help us do what he commands in this area (Matthew 18:21-35; 5:23,24). I keep mentioning twelve-step programs which, as I keep saying are useful for much more than addictions. These programs approach things systematically. This includes making a list of all people we had harmed and then making appropriate amends. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centred twelve-step program, suggests we list not only those we have harmed, but also those who have harmed us. When we come to this fearlessly and honestly, we discover many times that these are very same people. In this way we start to see the patterns which help us to come out of denial that we had any thing to do with the problem.

Al-Anon is a twelve-step program for those worried about someone with an addiction problem. This program often helps those who have thought of themselves as victims, to realize that, well yes they have suffered, but also that they may have enabled the addictive behaviour. And so again, as I keep saying, many times our response to wrong can make the problem worse. And when we come to see this, it really helps us, at least in my experience, in the the forgiveness journey. It also brings us closer to the the goal of confessing our faults one to another. It is here more than anywhere else, that we find healing (James 5:16 again).

Father, for many of us forgiving is difficult. We carry scars and deep hurts from the past. We need Your help Lord, and one of the things we need help with is letting go and trusting You that you will make all things right, if we surrender to Your will. And so I pray the serenity prayer again this morning Lord , that You would give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can (even when it's us), and the wisdom to know the difference. In Jesus Name Amen

How many times must I forgive my brother?

This was Peter’s question to Jesus, who essentially answered "infinity" (Matthew 18:21, 22)! God’s love and forgiveness is without end, and we are to be imitators of God. Many of us struggle with this however, and the command to forgive from the heart (Matthew 6:15) is likely a process. It starts with choosing, with God’s help, to forgive. Many times, it’s impossible without Him! Sometimes being told to forgive, can seem almost as abusive as that which caused the offence. But the ones who suffers the most from hanging onto an offence are the injured ones and those the injured ones love. In particular unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness rob us of joy, of the abundant life, and defile many (Hebrews 12:15).

I am never more aware as I am this morning, of the inadequacy of three paragraphs and a prayer to deal with issues of the heart. It is my hope and my prayer however, that these posts will lead to the start of pursuing what needs to be pursued. There is much written about forgiveness. As above, we need to forgive for ourselves, and we need to forgive because we ourselves need, and will need, to be forgiven. And unforgiveness cuts us off from this (Matthew 6:15). Salvation is after all, about being forgiven. I tell the boys down at the pen, that if they don’t know the Lord, then one of the biggest differences between me and them, is that I am forgiven, and they are not. Salvation, forgiveness, is of course offered to all as a free gift (Ephesians 2:8, 9). We received it through repentance and faith!

A few comments. Firstly if we wait until we feel like forgiving it will never happen. We need to act our way into feelings, not feel our way into acting. Secondly forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did was okay, it was not. Related to this, is trust. Forgiveness needs to be freely offered, trust needs to be earned. The person at fault needs to realize that repentance is much more than saying sorry, there needs to be follow through. Evidence of true repentance takes time to manifest! Lastly forgiveness is not letting the other person off the hook. True reconciliation in relationships, as opposed to a mere cessation of hostilities, will not likely happen unless and until both parties take responsibility for their part in what went wrong. In many ways this is all about having healthy boundaries.

Father, the reference in Hebrews talks about making sure that we do not fail to obtain Your grace to overcome resentment, bitterness and the like. Thank You Lord that You have made Your enabling grace, the wherewithal to do what we cannot do without You, so readily available. We do have to receive it, and it starts with asking You to help us to obey the command to forgive. Your answer to Peter's question, that we need to forgive seventy times seven, is not only about forgiving many offences, but that if we are to forgive from the heart, then we need to keep choosing over and over to forgive, possibly even a single offence. We need to keep on choosing to forgive until it doesn’t hurt anymore. And in all of this, we must not forget what it cost You to forgive us, and to respond accordingly (Matthew 18:21-35). So we thank and praise You again this morning Lord, in Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (III) Amends

If you force a child to say sorry to his sibling, the apology might not be all that sincere. But it’s not just with children, and as adults if we don’t do it the right way, it can actually make things very much worse! In seeking to obey the command to go and confess your fault and so to be reconciled to your brother (Matthew 5:23,24), it is important how you do it, and also when you do it. This morning we will be drawing from this and other scriptures, together with insight from recovery ministries. In twelve-step programs this step is called making an amends, and we can learn a lot from their insight. The role of the sponsor in particular, can be very helpful in discerning what needs to be discerned!

It would be a lot easier to do this well, if our experience of doing so was always of joyful reconciliation. Nevertheless, we should not underestimate the power of a sincere, heartfelt apology. And in the end, we need to do this for ourselves as part of our healing (James 5:16 again). As with forgiveness, sincere and heartfelt is important. “I’m sorry for what I did, but…” does not cut it. The reality of the matter is, that likely there was fault on the other side, but confessing the other person’s fault in our “but,” will not be healing. If there is to be true healing of relationships, we need to take full responsibility for our part. And we need to be willing to go to our brother or sister without any expectation that the other person will apologize for their part. This is where humility is very, very necessary in making our amends.

If we are not ready to go without this expectation, we are not ready to go period. And when the time is right and we go, it may be prudent to add “I hope that in time, you will be able to forgive me” to our amends. Of course it may also be necessary to make restitution. Timing is important from the other person’s point of view too. It may be necessary to give the other person time to deal with their anger. We also should not do it just before a person is about to rush out through the door! It’s best to do it in person, but that’s not always wise or possible. We do of course have the Lord’s promise of wisdom when we ask James 1:5. The Lord may lead you to write a letter, or an email. As I say, it’s best if you can do it in person, where body language and tone will indicate your sincerity, or not if you are not ready! Twelve step programs talk about an exception to making amends "when to do so would injure them or others" (step 9).

Father, it seems to me that doing this, and doing this well, is part of what it means to humble ourselves under Your mighty hand. It is also, I believe, a part of what we need to do before Your promises kick that in due time You will lift us up, and that our righteousness will shine like the noonday sun (1 Peter 5:6; Psalm 37:6). Thank You for Your encouragement in these things heavenly Father. I know that You will continue the good work that You have started in each one of us. Give us the grace and the determination Lord to fully cooperate with You in this, in Jesus Name Amen.

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (III) Dynamics

Reconciliation between parties who, for whatever reason, are at loggerheads is intended to be a joyous thing. It is the heart of every parent that their children should get along. And it is at the heart of God that we should too. The instruction to as much as possible live at peace with all (Romans 12:18), is perhaps the essence of the scriptures we are looking at. The first, to go to my brother when it’s my fault, the second to go to him when it’s his (Matthew 5:24;18:15-17). It works best of course, when both are admitting their part in what went wrong (James 5:16). And this is something that is best learned early in the family, and in church. It needs to be at the very heart of the “village” dynamics. But as we have been saying, many times it is something to aim for, rather than the reality on the ground.

The reality on the ground, is much more likely that when one of the parties does something wrong, he or she may be reluctant to admit it. They may not even be conscious of doing wrong. Habits develop, and when we have gotten away with things in the past, it can become just part of background. Also the one to whom the wrong is done, more often than not finishes up compounding the problem. As I’ve said before, wrong reactions to wrongs done, are also wrong. Wrong responses include attack, or going and telling another brother rather than going to the brother. When we don’t take the problem to the person involved, we almost inevitably finish up involving others. And this far too easily slips into sowing discord among the brethren (Proverbs 6:19). In other words the problem is not contained, and it can infect the whole fellowship. And this is why it is so important to deal with these things Biblically!

And it’s not just what we do in trying to contain this, is also very much how and when we do it. We all know of situations where people don’t speak to each other for years. And when this happens the difficulties can fester rather than fade. So in the best of all worlds, sooner rather than later is best. On the other hand my own experience has been that at times going too soon just reminds the person of the wrong done, and anger can result. This is particularly the case when anger is part of that person’s family dynamic, or when that person’s way of dealing with things is to ignore the issue in the hope that it fades. Concerning how we do it, this is very much what we have been talking about in recent blogs in “considering ourselves,” and moving towards coming together in humility and grace at the foot of the cross (James 5:16).

Father, in trying to sort these things out, we truly need to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves (Matthew 10:16). The Scripture gives us much direction, but it has to be sussed out. We need Your help Lord, we need Your wisdom and gentleness. We need to be slow to anger and quick to forgive. We need humility and grace. So we ask for these things this morning Lord, and we thank You in advance that because this is Your heart, these things will surely be given. Thank You Lord in Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (II) Reconciliation

I suggested last day, that in order to cooperate with the Lord in his agenda to heal broken hearts and set captives free (Luke 4:18), the church needs to teach Biblically-based recovery principles. This needs to include how He wants us to deal in love and honour with relationship difficulties and breakdowns within our fellowships. It needs, of course to include teachings about not judging, being kind and compassionate, not letting the sun go down on our wrath etc. etc. I have suggested, that the goal in relationships is to come to the foot of the cross in love and humility confessing our faults one to the other and praying for one another. But like Adam and Eve after the fall, that is not likely our first reaction (Genesis 3:12).

In light of the widespread breakdown of relationships and marriages even in the church, ministry needs to be much wider than just from the pastor. Others need to come alongside hurting couples, to give help and advice, to teach about their own struggles in conflict resolution. One of the strengths of twelve-step programs, is that they bringing people together with like struggles. Twelve-step programs are useful not only in dealing with alcohol and drugs, but in fact with all the issues of life, grief, divorce, codependency etc. etc. Christ centred twelve-step programs are particularly useful, as you can then tap into Biblical teachings, principles and resources. I want to mention two passages this morning that deal with the resolution of relationship difficulties when things go wrong in relationships within the fellowship. We will be looking at one in particular, in the coming days.

I have often heard, even among adults “Well he started it!” So what does the Bible say about whose responsibility it is to stop it? Well actually both! So firstly if it’s your fault, you need to “leave your gift at the altar and go and be reconciled to your brother” (Matthew 5:24). On the other hand when your brother sins against you, there are a number of steps that we are commanded to take. The first, is that the offended party needs to got and try and sort it out between the two of them. If this does not work, one or two others should be brought alongside as mediators. The third step, if the first two fail, is to bring it to the church, the “village” in the title of this post. Finally if there is a refusal even then to be reconciled, there is to be discipline “treat him like a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). I know this sounds radical in our individualistic Western society. But how strongly Jesus felt about this process, is indicated by the fact that this is just one of two places where He felt it important enough to teach about Church, even before it came into existence (the other in Matthew 16:18).

Father, there seem to be one thousand and one ways that we can fail to put this last scripture into practice, in a Biblical way. But since Your primary goal in sending Jesus is to "gather together in one all things in Christ, both which are in heaven and which are on earth—in Him" (Ephesians 1:10), it is clearly very important to You. Give us the grace, courage and wisdom to do our part in this Lord. In Jesus Name Amen

It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (I) Proactivity

In the breakup of my second marriage there was neither person nor institution there, to come alongside and hold us accountable to our vows. I knew well that what was needed was a neutral third party, who would be able to help us to hear one another, someone who we both respected and therefore whose advice would carry weight with us both. It didn’t happen, and it wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to find such a resource, I did! It simply was not there! It’s not supposed to be like that! But more and more, it’s exactly like that, in the increasing isolationism of our Western culture, even in church.

In fact in terms of taking responsibility, the church has by and large swung from the place where a divorced person was forbidden to remarry, where divorced persons were essentially outcasts in church, to the place where people fall in and out of marriage with nary a word spoken, with zero accountability, and little or no available help. It’s as though it’s none of our business! But while we must not busy bodies, this stance is soundly un-Biblical. I’m not suggesting that we returned to the rigid, often judgemental attitude towards divorce, and in a way the title of the post says it all. It is of course intended to be an echo of the saying it takes a village to raise a child. What I am saying, is that our Churches need to be proactively building, nurturing and restoring relationships as part of its very fabric.

And why do I say this? Well, it is very clear to me that in this day and age, the thief has focused his agenda to kill, steal and destroy on marriages and the family (John 10:10a). I keep mentioning twelve-step programs, and I do so, because the recovery principles that lie behind the steps, are thoroughly Biblical. It is most effective when the higher power is the God of the Bible, but certainly it’s not the only Biblically-based recovery ministry. These programs and ministers are not just for those caught up in addictions, they are for anyone with hurts, habits and hangups. In other words they are for each and every one of us. But what I want to say this morning, is that if the church is to be the salt and light in this wicked and hurting world, it needs to be proactive in this area. It needs to take up its Biblically mandated responsibility to teach Biblically-based recovery principles, and to be the Lord’s hands and feet in a primary agenda of His to heal broken hearts, and to set the captives free, and so to bring life in all it's fullness (Luke 4:18; John 10:10b).

Father, certainly is not just relationships where we need help, but inevitably if we don't deal with our baggage, then our relationships will suffer. Perhaps we need to see relationship difficulties as a symptom of something deeper, something that needs to be dealt with. Teach us Lord, teach me, to see each and every difficulty in life, as an opportunity for growth, an opportunity to draw close to You, an opportunity to show the world that You are real by the way that we do life. And we will of course, give You the glory and the honour in Jesus Name Amen

Confession, healing and intimacy (III) Prayer

I ask the Lord morning by morning, to give me something applicable to my own life as I write these blogs. And the Lord, being the playfully strategic God that He is, set me up this morning. In particular we are talking about confessing to one another, and yesterday I mentioned that I am naturally open. And now as we come to the subject of prayer in this third post on James 5:16, I am finding that I need to confess that my public prayer life is more impressive than the private prayer part. What I hadn’t noticed before though, is the connection of the first part of this verse (confess… and pray ..) to the last part “The fervent prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” We stand in His righteousness of course, and we need to be growing in righteousness (sanctification), but in order to claim healing and intimacy, our prayers need to be fervent, passionate and persistent (Luke 18:1- 8).

There is a reason for this. Let me relate it again to twelve-step programs. In these programs, we have observed, that many give up at steps 4 and 5 (the fearless moral inventory, and the admonition to share it with at least one other person). Well people give up because it is very difficult. Part of this, is that we will likely need to re-live the pain of the hurts we have received, and to come to terms with the guilt and shame of our own failures. It requires truth in the inward parts. It requires a level of honesty with ourselves and others that is likely foreign to us, and many times it flies in the face of our experience that the world is not a safe place. And on top of this, you can be sure that the enemy is mightily at work to preserve his destructive influence in our lives. To put it another way, it is at the heart of the spiritual warfare that needs to take place in order to claim the promises of the healing of broken hearts, the release of captives, and the restoration of the broken family structures of many generations (Isaiah 61:1-4).

The Lord is, as I say, playfully strategic. Though there are in fact some amazing things happening, at the same time ministries I’m involved in are in danger of falling apart. And I’m beginning to realize this morning, that most of my prayers are reactive, praying for the horse after it has bolted the stable. We are desperately in need of fresh blood in leadership in these ministries. And as I thought on these things, I was reminded of the passage where Jesus seeing the multitude as sheep without a shepherd tells us that the harvest is plenteous but the labourers are few. He then commands us to “Pray therefore to the Lord of the harvest to thrust out labourers into His harvest” (Matthew 9:36-38).

Father, once again we see in the above passage the need for us to cooperate with You in prayer. Since You are indeed Lord of the harvest, and You have told us that if we pray anything according to Your will you will grant it (1 John 5:14), then we can have confidence that what You tell us to pray You will answer when we come before You with passion and persistence. We need Your help Lord to not be weary in well doing. Grace us Lord, to be like Jesus who pushed through the pain to the joy that was set before Him, and endured the cross despising the shame. I know Lord that we will be changed in the process, and we will give You the honour, glory and praise in Jesus Name Amen