It takes a village to build, nurture and restore relationships (III) Amends

If you force a child to say sorry to his sibling, the apology might not be all that sincere. But it’s not just with children, and as adults if we don’t do it the right way, it can actually make things very much worse! In seeking to obey the command to go and confess your fault and so to be reconciled to your brother (Matthew 5:23,24), it is important how you do it, and also when you do it. This morning we will be drawing from this and other scriptures, together with insight from recovery ministries. In twelve-step programs this step is called making an amends, and we can learn a lot from their insight. The role of the sponsor in particular, can be very helpful in discerning what needs to be discerned!

It would be a lot easier to do this well, if our experience of doing so was always of joyful reconciliation. Nevertheless, we should not underestimate the power of a sincere, heartfelt apology. And in the end, we need to do this for ourselves as part of our healing (James 5:16 again). As with forgiveness, sincere and heartfelt is important. “I’m sorry for what I did, but…” does not cut it. The reality of the matter is, that likely there was fault on the other side, but confessing the other person’s fault in our “but,” will not be healing. If there is to be true healing of relationships, we need to take full responsibility for our part. And we need to be willing to go to our brother or sister without any expectation that the other person will apologize for their part. This is where humility is very, very necessary in making our amends.

If we are not ready to go without this expectation, we are not ready to go period. And when the time is right and we go, it may be prudent to add “I hope that in time, you will be able to forgive me” to our amends. Of course it may also be necessary to make restitution. Timing is important from the other person’s point of view too. It may be necessary to give the other person time to deal with their anger. We also should not do it just before a person is about to rush out through the door! It’s best to do it in person, but that’s not always wise or possible. We do of course have the Lord’s promise of wisdom when we ask James 1:5. The Lord may lead you to write a letter, or an email. As I say, it’s best if you can do it in person, where body language and tone will indicate your sincerity, or not if you are not ready! Twelve step programs talk about an exception to making amends "when to do so would injure them or others" (step 9).

Father, it seems to me that doing this, and doing this well, is part of what it means to humble ourselves under Your mighty hand. It is also, I believe, a part of what we need to do before Your promises kick that in due time You will lift us up, and that our righteousness will shine like the noonday sun (1 Peter 5:6; Psalm 37:6). Thank You for Your encouragement in these things heavenly Father. I know that You will continue the good work that You have started in each one of us. Give us the grace and the determination Lord to fully cooperate with You in this, in Jesus Name Amen.