Three steps in the forgiveness journey

It is important for us to acknowledging that forgiveness is often a process, a journey, not an instant fix! This morning I want to mention three possible stages in this journey. The first can be described as “I forgive you, but I don’t want anything to do with you.” In other words I forgive you but I’m putting up a boundary between us. The second stage is “I forgive you, and I will say hello to you if I bump into you in the hallway.” At this stage I am beginning to see that you are a person made in God’s image, and so worthy of respect. I am willing to acknowledge you, but I still do not feel safe in your presence. Trust remember, needs to be earned! The third stage is “I forgive you, and I am willing to take steps to become fully reconciled, and to be your friend.” Let me acknowledge, there will likely be times when we may never feel safe enough to arrive at this last stage.

With God’s help however, all things are possible, and by tapping into His extravagant healing grace, the third stage needs normally to be our goal (Hebrews 12:15)! The Lord is raising up various tools and ministries to help us do what he commands in this area (Matthew 18:21-35; 5:23,24). I keep mentioning twelve-step programs which, as I keep saying are useful for much more than addictions. These programs approach things systematically. This includes making a list of all people we had harmed and then making appropriate amends. Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centred twelve-step program, suggests we list not only those we have harmed, but also those who have harmed us. When we come to this fearlessly and honestly, we discover many times that these are very same people. In this way we start to see the patterns which help us to come out of denial that we had any thing to do with the problem.

Al-Anon is a twelve-step program for those worried about someone with an addiction problem. This program often helps those who have thought of themselves as victims, to realize that, well yes they have suffered, but also that they may have enabled the addictive behaviour. And so again, as I keep saying, many times our response to wrong can make the problem worse. And when we come to see this, it really helps us, at least in my experience, in the the forgiveness journey. It also brings us closer to the the goal of confessing our faults one to another. It is here more than anywhere else, that we find healing (James 5:16 again).

Father, for many of us forgiving is difficult. We carry scars and deep hurts from the past. We need Your help Lord, and one of the things we need help with is letting go and trusting You that you will make all things right, if we surrender to Your will. And so I pray the serenity prayer again this morning Lord , that You would give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can (even when it's us), and the wisdom to know the difference. In Jesus Name Amen