Be angry and sin not

Many Christians have the false impression that all anger is wrong. But God gets angry, and He is and remains completely Holy. Jesus got angry (Mark 3:5), yet He was also without sin (Hebrews 4:15). What is more, He acted on His anger when, for example, He overturned the tables of the money changers (John 2:15). On top of this, the command in the title of the post to be angry and sin not (Ephesians 4:26) clearly implies that it is possible to be angry without being or doing wrong. Of course it is more than possible to sin when we are angry!

The Scriptures are very clear on this, for “the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness that God desires” (James 1:20). Anger can be used to manipulate others, or to frighten or intimidate them into submission. This is wrong, this is sin! Anger can lead to violence, and all kinds of abuse, verbal and otherwise, and no one is saying this is right. But anger can also help us to find the courage to do what needs to be done and what we might not otherwise do. We may, for example, need to be angry before we have the courage to confront behaviour that is inappropriate. To do this in a way that honours Him though, we do need to have it under control so we can do this lovingly.

So the Bible does not tell us not to be angry period, but it does command and expect that we have our tempers tamed. It is helpful to me to think of wrath as inappropriately expressed anger. For the one who follows God the question to ask is “as an ambassador for Christ, do my actions and attitudes honour Him?” When they do not, I will need to apologize for this, even when the other person is wrong! It is worth pointing out that the times we read of Jesus' anger, were all to do with injustices done to others.

In spite of teaching from Ephesians, I know from experience that is it very easy in Christian circles to be judged and dismissed for the smallest sign that you are not completely calm, as in for example for simply for raising one's voice. Please note in saying this, that I am not trying to justify the many times my anger was not righteous. I had a serious anger problem that I needed to deal with. From time to time I still find myself needing to apologize for saying or doing the wrong thing and/or allowing the anger to build too quickly (James 1:19). But if you think I am am bad now, you should have seen me before the Lord started to help me deal with my anger (well perhaps not)!

With me, what you see is what you get. You may not want to see it, and as I say I have had to apologize many times. On the other hand, as with all error, the false belief that anger is wrong period, has a number of destructive consequences. The point is that we all get angry at times, though from what I can see there are many who deny they are angry when they are. One brother I know who I have never known to raise his voice, suffers from high blood pressure. My guess is that the two things are related. In particular, when anger is denied is it suppressed, stuffed if you like. I think that was the biggest problem with me. Stuffed anger was a generational thing in our family, and this sort of thing is volcanic, it will eventually erupt like mount Vesuvius. So as I said, it was a relief to me to find out that you can be angry and still not sin. It was the start of my being able to deal with it. My anger often seemed to come out of nowhere, and when it did I could tell myself I am angry, but I have not necessarily sinned yet.

We need to give ourselves permission to be angry when it is appropriate. At the same time we need to realize that it is far too easy to let it lead us into doing wrong. We all get angry at times, but we don't all admit it. What is more close relationships (marriage and the like) are the very places where this is where there is likely to be a lot of anger. Moreover this will always be two sided for anger provokes anger. I need to say from my observations, it seems to me that many times one side will deny they are angry! In healthy relationships you learn to fight fair and appropriately. I went from one extreme to the other. Before I was a Christian I fought (argued) too much, then after not enough (trying to fit into the 'anger is wrong' philosophy). Conflict avoidance will not produce harmony, but too much argumentation will damage the relationship. There are times and places to do this, but is it all too easy to put off dealing with these things until it is, in some sense, too late. Having said this, if both parties are willing, with God it is never too late. There is a lot that could be said here. Some will fight too much, others will stuff and deny. But anger denied and stuffed is still anger, and when you do this, what you (immediately) see many times is not what you get. When anger is not dealt with properly, it always comes out one way or the other. In particular, we all fall into habits we may not be fully aware of, but are nevertheless very destructive.

Suppressed anger can come out in punishing silences that are often obvious only to those being punished. What many people do not realize is that such silences can be just as abusive as verbal abuse. This is especially the case when the recipient is perhaps overly sensitive. And it can go very deep. It can also show up as control. I remember years ago standing with the wife of a certain couple, looking out onto the garden where the husband was pottering around. “He is mad with me today,” she told me, “but tomorrow he will come crawling.” In other words this lady's silences were not only punishing silences, they were controlling and manipulating silences.

Suppressed anger can also come out in cutting remarks, and/or belittling statements. It can be quite subtle. For example, saying to one's spouse in the hearing of others “You're a big boy (girl) now, why don't you …...”. And such words can be delivered with the softly spoken contempt “Why don't you grow up and be mature, like me” written clearly between the lines. Control, manipulation, withdrawal, subtly getting even, are all devastating to relationships. This is especially true of relationships that should be close (spouses/parents/authority figures). These things undermine the self worth of the one they are aimed at. I know that I feel undermined by such things! Often behaviour like this can be the very thing that keeps anger stirred up in the more volatile member. And the diabolical thing is that many times all of this is hidden. But not to God!

I am painfully aware that what I have just written could easily stir up some, who are reading this post, as it dawns on you that this sort of thing is very much a part of your own relationships. What I need to repeat here is that while we are not responsible for the behaviour and attitudes of others, we are responsible for our response to those attitudes and behaviours. There are many “games” that people play, and these games can provoke anger. But we do need, in our anger, to be “angry and sin not”.

And these things are very difficult to deal with. If you are on the receiving end of any of this, your partner may not want to hear about it, let alone deal with it. How many divorces started when one of the parties “woke up one day to realize …” and the other partner unwilling to even entertain the idea. The earlier these things are dealt with, the more likely they can be dealt with successfully. As I have said many times, there are always faults on both sides and we may well need help to be able to see these things and to hear each other. I like to suggest that couples make a covenant with each other at the very beginning, to the effect that if ever just one or the other of them feels the relationship needs help, then they agree in advance to go for it. The secret of peace in marriage is negotiation, and the best place to negotiate is at the foot of the cross (see July 31, 2011 post).

Prayer: Lord help me to know myself. If I am too angry help me not to minimize in my mind, its impact on others. If I am angry and unaware that I am angry please show me. Jesus in being angry and not sinning, You demonstrated that it is possible. Lord I need Your help to see things as they are, and to deal with them in a way that honours You and others. In Jesus name.