Take away guilt and shame II. Take away Shame

In these posts I am distinguishing between guilt and shame as follows: Guilt says “I've done something wrong, I've made a mistake, what I did was not good.” Shame, on the other hand says “ there is something wrong with me, I am a mistake, I am no good.” It should be clear that guilt and shame are related, and in fact guilt can easily turn into shame. However shame can be there even when there is no sin, that is we can feel shame even when we have done nothing wrong. So we feel shame when we have suffered physical or sexual abuse, we feel shame when we are rejected or abandoned, we feel shame when we are put down or humiliated in some way. We feel shame when our parents divorce, or because of some family secret we must keep. We feel shame when we do not measure up to societies or other people's expectations. We feel shame when we have outrageous and unacceptable thoughts. “If anyone ever found out what goes on in my head, I would die of embarrassment!” Actually as long as I don't embrace them, I can blame such thoughts on the Devil and take authority over them (2 Corinthians 10:4,5).

The Book that knows us (the Bible) speaks in multiple places about being covered with shame. In Psalm 44:15 David says “I live in disgrace (dishonour) all day long, and my face is covered with shame.” Note that this level of shame is not just some transitory thing, it is “all day long,” and it covers, as in overwhelms and thus becomes the only “visible” thing. Elsewhere it is not just the face that is covered, but the whole body. For example in Psalm 109:29 the Psalmist talks about being “clothed in shame.” There are times (and for some it is 24/7) that shame debilitates us, keeps us hidden, isolated and from living a fully functional life. It manifests itself many times in self defeating negative self talk: “I am a looser,” “nobody will ever accept me for who I am,” “there is no point in even trying, I am, always was and always will be, a failure,” etc., etc., etc.

Before the fall in Genesis 2:25 we read that Adam and Eve were naked but they were not ashamed. In fact in a perfect world we would feel no shame. After the fall (chapter 3) Adam tells God “I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself” (Genesis 3:10). Nakedness in this story is not just about physical nakedness, it is about spiritual nakedness, the feelings of being open and vulnerable and exposed. In a world where people make poor and wrong choices, being open and vulnerable and exposed no longer feels safe. As with Adam and Eve, hiding is a very common response to feelings of both guilt and shame, but it is not the only one. In Jeremiah 3:3 we read “you have the brazen look of a prostitute; you refuse to blush with shame.” I call this shamelessness, and we can think of this way of dealing with shame as either denial or a refusal to be shamed. Actually there are two types of shamelessness, there is the shamelessness of the prostitute, and then there is the shamelessness of the Pharisee, the false pride of self righteousness which says “I have nothing to be ashamed of.” But whether we hide our shame, act shameless, as if we do not care, or if we deny it's existence, shame remains.

Many of us were born into shame based families and/or shame based communities, and we live our lives out of them. The characteristics of shame based systems include rigid (often unwritten and unspoken) rules, emotional unavailability and invalidation, and strong pressure to conform. The diabolical thing about all of this (and I mean that quite literally) is that when we are shame based, we are usually attracted to shame based groups, systems and/or partners. Part of this seems to be that such systems are emotional familiar, and may have the appearance of being safe (the devil we know!). I say diabolical, you know as in 'of the Devil'. He wants to use these things to keep us stuck and ultimately to destroy us. So we even find ourselves in shame based churches where we wear masks to hide from each other and often from ourselves. In some places we judge a sermon by how bad it makes us feel. If we don't come out feeling guilty, it was not a good sermon! Some of our Hymnology is also shame based. Even John Newton's famous “Amazing grace” has traces of this, as he thinks of himself as a “wretch like me” (present tense). Certainly John needed to repent of the things that he did, and I have no doubt that the things that he did made him feel wretched, but we must not take up “wretch” or “worm” as our identity. These things have a show of humility, but it is a false humility, and is ultimately undermining and destructive.

All of these things (denying, hiding or adopting shame and worthlessness as our identity) are attempts to deal our shame, and they are all inadequate. In a sense every inadequate way of dealing with shame is an attempt to hide. Even the shamelessness of the prostitute is a way of hiding from shame. And shame has this in common with guilt, hiding it does not take it away, it does not bring healing. But if all of these covering of shame are inadequate (and they are) then what exactly is an adequate covering? What is it that can take away my shame?

Since shame has to do with taking on a false identity, it's cure is to assume ones true identity. For the Christian this is first and foremost about being a child of God. Heidi Baker of Iris Ministries tells moving stories of when the kids they take off the street really start to get this, it changes them from acting little better than animals to functioning and secure children knowing they are loved. Guilt and shame have this in common, both are ultimately taken away through the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross. In the case of guilt the cross takes away our sin, in the case of shame the cross allows God to give us a new identity, the spirit of adoption where we cry out Abba (Daddy) God (Romans 8:14, 15). The cure for shame then is to find our true identity in relationship to Him (adoption / friendship etc. John 15:15). This relationship that covers our shame is pictured in both the Old and the New Testaments.

In that lovely picture of redemption from abandonment in Ezekiel 16 we read '“I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you and you became mine' says the Lord GOD” (verse 8). In Isaiah 54:1 the barren woman is told to sing for “more are the children of the desolate (barren) woman than of her who has a husband.” In verse 4 she is told “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.” The reason for all this is given in verse 5 it is because “your Maker is your husband - the LORD Almighty is his name.”

Notice in each case that the shame is taken away in and through relationship (covenant / marriage etc.) with God. In other words the removal of shame is all about the compensation that comes from an intimate personal relationship with God. He makes a covenant with the barren woman, He becomes a husband to the widow, and when she enters fully into this in the way that she is intended to do, she is able to sing (Isaiah 54:1). Elsewhere God tells us that He is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5), and here again is the picture of Abba – a loving daddy to a small child (see also Romans 8:15). This relationship with God is intended to be healing, comforting and very very real. The reality and depth of it will result in the widow and the barren woman “forgetting the shame of her youth”. It is not second best compensation, it is a relationship that offers fullness of joy. In Psalm 34:5 we read “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” God tells Abraham in the shame of his childlessness “I am your exceedingly great reward” (Genesis 15:1).

Jesus, in Luke 4:18,19 claims Isaiah 61 as His mandate for ministry. In particular He is telling us that He was sent to heal the broken hearted (Isaiah 61:1). Part of this is that “Instead of your shame you shall have double honour” (verse 7), and we will “greatly rejoice in the Lord”, because “He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness” (verse 10). So the robe of righteousness (redemption, salvation, conversion) covers not only our guilt (last day) it covers our shame, it brings healing, and it is all found in relationship with Him.

And it is because the taking away of our shame is found in relationship, that there is another difference between between guilt and shame. It is this, our guilt is automatically taken away at the point of salvation. At that point our names are written in the book of life. But the healing and the taking away of our shame is not automatic. It is when we know who we are in Him, that we will no longer be covered in shame. For those covered in shame this may take time even when we work hard at it. In the end it is unbelief that hinders us. We feel we are not worthy and we disqualify ourselves. We tell ourselves “God loves others but not me.” We need to confess this unbelief as sin and turn away from it. We need to spend time with Him in His Word and in prayer (John8:31,32). We need to abide in Him (John15:5), and part of the fruit this bears will be the confidence that we are His and loved by Him. And we need with Jacob of old to get into His presence and tell Him “I will not let You go until you bless me” (Genesis 32:26). We need to tell Him that we will not let Him go until we experience that He is our exceedingly great reward. I don't know about you, but I need to feel it! When we know who we are in Him, it begins to matter less and less what others think about us, and when this happens our shame is taken away indeed.