In order to become whole, the victim has to become a better person than the abuser!

I want to suggest that in order to become whole, the victim needs to forgive one who does not deserve it, he (or she) needs to not retaliate when provoked, he or she needs to remain calm and gracious in the face of hate and anger, to show mercy when all he or she has been shown is vengeance and malice and disrespect. But this is not maturity 101, these are difficult things to do and be, they exhibit characteristics that are at some level unnatural. They are however the characteristic and behaviours that bring a quality of life that is otherwise unavailable. How many do you know who are bitter and who also have joy? How many do you know who hold grudges and who also have peace, and hope and serenity?

The behaviours and characteristics described above flow out of Kingdom principles as taught, for example, by Christ. He told us “love your enemies, and do good to those who hate you,” and He told us He came that we might have life in all it's fulness. The principles and the promises are linked. You can be non-religious and live by Kingdom principle and they will still work! They say Nelsen Mandela was not religious (at least our beloved CBC does). However in a very practical way, he loved his enemies, and he not only thrived, he inspired and brought much healing to a divided nation. Yes you can be non-religious and live by Kingdom principles, and you can also be religious and not live by Kingdom principles. You might know some of these. The Pharisee is alive and well and living on planet earth! Well surviving anyway!

These things are, as I say, difficult. But it is easier for the Christian who has truly surrendered everything (or is in the process thereof – it is a process!). The reason is that in surrender he (or she) has access to resources the unbeliever does not have. Having made peace with God (through Christ) we have access to the Grace of God that enables us in all of these things. This is Romans chapter 5. In this Chapter, Paul also describes the process of overcoming through this enabling Grace. And overcoming is what in the end it is all about, overcoming through the very practical help (Grace) that God gives to those who fully cooperate with Him in the process of our becoming more like Him.

After we have made peace with God through Christ then next thing starts with a stop. We (yes me too) need to stop fighting the people and circumstances that God allows as part of His refining process. I am not suggesting we need to be door mats, but in my own experience I had to come to the place where I realized that I am the only one I can change, and only then with His help. The surrender of which I speak concerns letting go of lots of things. As the serenity prayer puts it “God grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, the courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Having prayed this, we then need to trust His promise that He will actively work out all things together for our good. With His help we can all be in the process of becoming better (in the way I described – not in a self righteous way) than those who often continue to hurt us. The enabling He provides also comes with hope and peace and joy and love. It's worth it all. I speak as one in process.