Enemies at peace: Three levels of reconciliation and forgiveness

Seeing Esau and the four hundred men coming,  Jacob lined up the four women with their children in order of preciousness to him,  with Rachel and Joseph last.  He then went ahead of them and bowed himself down to the ground seven times, in an act of humble submission.  Esau ran to meet him, embraced him,  fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept. Esau wants to accompany Jacob and his family back to Esau's home Seir.  Jacob tells him to go ahead,  excusing himself,  saying the flocks have to travel too slowly. Esau returns home clearly expecting Jacob to follow,  but Jacob goes to Shechem and erects an alter  (Genesis 33:1-7).

“When a man’s ways please the LORD, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7). But it's not clear how much Jacob's ways are pleasing the Lord,  for once again he's deceptive. Nor, when Jacob was not willing to live in the same place with Esau is it clear how much peace there was.  Kinder comments that the previous stream of gifts (32:13-20), and the organization of his family indicates something of the load on Jacob's conscience and the grace of Esau's reply. There was of course, also the fear factor. Esau now has the upper hand.  Jacob, recently released from Laban's domination might not have been willing to permanently remain that state with Esau.  And though he had wrestled with God and prevailed, it might not be so easy with Esau! Jacob is no warrior,  better to go separate ways, and best not to confront Esau with his decision!

In the words of Rick Warren when God forgives, he does so instantly, freely and completely. Our reconciliation is not like God's.  With us humans it is said there are three levels of forgiveness (reconciliation). Firstly I will forgive you,  I wont hold a grudge, but I don't want anything further to do with you. Secondly I forgive you and I will be polite, but not allow you too close. Then thirdly I forgive you and am willing to become fast friends.  Clearly there are shades in between.  Even though he is the offending party,  Jacob is not ready for the third level. We might not be either, the third level will likely always involve the process of sharpening each other as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17).

They are called levels, rather than stages, and forgiveness and trust are two different things. The fact of the matter,  is that not all people are safe, and trust needs to be earned.  Reconciliation (forgiveness) does not mean we should go back into an abusive situation.  As we read in Ecclesiastes there is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing (3:5b). The three levels can of course be stages, as both parties move forward in patient timing and in the process of facilitating mutual trust and dignity.


Father, most of the time when there are deep hurts,  we need Your grace to forgive (Hebrews 12:15). Even then is a process!  You being God can choose to forget (Hebrews 8:12), that is often not possible with us, though with You all things are possible. In addition to Grace Lord,  we need Your wisdom to know how far and how fast we should let others back into our lives. And like Jacob,  building an alter we need to thank You for any level of reconciliation that with Your help we achieve.  In Jesus Name Amen