Fight or flight in important relationships

Last day I was using the analogy of the joke about the obscene telephone call that lasted 30 minutes. The listener could simply have hung up the moment the nature of the call became obvious. I was seeking to illustrate to my friend that we have authority to shut down condemnation that is coming at us. If it’s coming through other people, then we can put up boundaries by refusing to read a text, let alone answer it. Answering it is likely to perpetuate the abuse. Many times we can simply remove ourselves by simply walking away. I am not talking here about conflict avoidance (see the February posts on the need to fight fair). I knew my friend was not over-reacting, I had received similar harsh condemnation from the very same person.

What is interesting to me, is that at the same time I was thinking about these things, something happened in a gathering I attend regularly. With 20/20 hindsight I was insensitive to someone who was going through deep waters. The clues were all there, but I had missed them. And then something I said triggered what I felt at the time to be a massive overreaction. It also felt like an attack, but perhaps that was my overreaction. In fact I was on the point of withdrawal several times (but not without a promising to come back - this is important!). The Lord had other plans, and the situation not only resolved itself, but brought some things to the surface that needed healing. I finished up apologizing on behalf of the many men who had hurt this lady and for being insensitive to her.

What is also interesting to me is that in the notes from the course we were studying at the time, we came across the phrase “In every situation there is a gift, because the entire negative is designed to showcase what God is doing.” In particular, God had a purpose for allowing the negative, which was uncomfortable for the whole room. But as we persisted (and people were praying) the Lord showed us what He was doing. And what He was doing, was opening up wounds in order to heal them. He was also showing me, that I am still not fully recovered from my flight default, which is nothing but conflict avoidance!

Father, I am cause to remember a situation when I was in deep waters, and I remember saying out loud that I wish somebody would love me enough to break through, what I knew were my difficult defences. And more and more Lord, I am seeing that there are times when we need to push through rather than simply engage in the inappropriate fighting or fleeing. We need Your help Lord to discern when to put up a boundary, and when and how to appropriately persist, to fight fair, and to be kind and compassion one to another, forgiving one another just as in Christ You forgive us in Jesus Name Amen