Catch us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines

This verse from Song of Songs 2:15 comes in the midst of a love poem between Solomon and his bride. The verse therefore speaks (by analogy) of the little things that can spoil a relationship. Apparently the little foxes liked to nibble at the vines, and each individual nibble was likely not a problems. The damage is cumulative however, and over time the vines would be ruined. Likewise in a relationship the little things that at first might not seem worth making a fuss over, can build and build until, over time, they become a major problem in a relationship. Perhaps this is what lies behind those pesky “irreconcilable differences” that are blamed for the breakup of so many marriages.

I remember on lady telling me after her divorce “Now I can paint my door red, and he can do nothing about it!” In another marriage it was “toast crumbs in the butter!” His and her butter would have solved that specific irritation, but not the accumulated frustration of many little foxes nibbling at the relationship. The “us” in this verse speaks of it being the responsibility of both parties to ensure the vine is not spoiled. The “vines” can be spoiled by overreactions or by conflict avoidance. In both cases we need to counter these things (and not just in marriage relations) by keeping short accounts, being open, honest and transparent, and by being “kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:32).

We can go to extremes making mountains out of every little molehill, making red doors and toast crumbs into major issues. But, as I have said before, conflict avoidance is almost always a major problem. When it is part of our standard way of operating, all the “little foxes” can seem way too small to make into an issue. What we need to realize however, is that when conflict avoidance is engaged in the long run, then over time it forms habitual ways of relating to each other that are not helpful. We are essentially training the other person not to expect pushback, and this morphs into strongly held, but often unspoken rules such as “You must not rock the boat.” And then if you wake up to the damage that has been caused, and try to deal with any issues no matter how small, then you are the problem, because you are breaking the rules. So how to deal with this? It talks a lot of love, patience and humility, and it seems to me that the very first issue that needs to be dealt with is that of conflict avoidance itself.

Father, I see what I am talking about this morning as a major issue in Western society. But as Your Word tells us “When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him” (Isaiah 59:19). And what I also see Father, is that You are raising up a multiplicity of inner healing ministries and resources. And it is my prayer Father that this blog be one on them in Jesus Name Amen