The relationship of secrets to intimacy in marriage and elsewhere

In the novel “Full disclosure” by Dee Henderson Anne asks Paul “If this relationship goes somewhere permanent ... will there be secrets, are you expecting there to be none?” It was such a difficult answer to put into words. Paul wanted to give her room, needed to give her room, and yet he also knew there was something profound that he had to convey. Secrets tend to be the things that have hurt us the most, the events that have changed us the most. Will she wonder for the rest of her life, ‘if he knew this about me, would he not love me anymore?’ He thinks ‘I would rather know everything important about my wife before I married, so that when I say “I do” she knows there’s no secret that could change how much I love her. I want to be able to give that certainty to a marriage’ He tells her “You need to be able to trust me!”

Henderson expresses something deep here about the connection between secrets, trust and intimacy. Someone has said that intimacy is all about into-me-see. If we cannot let the one who is to be a life long partner into the deepest parts of our being, there will be no true intimacy. I was talking with someone the other day who told me “I have been married twice, but I have been alone all my whole life!” It seems to be very common! Shakespeare said that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But, not actually contradicting this, perhaps it is better not to marry than to marry someone you cannot trust with your deepest secrets, be it what you have done or what was done to you. Guilt, shame, self condemnation and blame can go very, very deep. But the pain only multiples when it is kept secret, and as I keep saying only mutual self disclosure in a safe place brings healing. (James 5:16).

We confess to God to be forgiven, and to each other to be healed (1 John 1:9; James 5:16). But in my experience the healing only comes when the confession is “to one another,” not when one party does all the confession. When that happens the one confessing can be left feeling vulnerable and exposed. In the process of confessing to one another, we come more and more into the realization that “there is no difference for all have sinned” (Romans 3:22,23). And we start to see that neither of us is in a position to judge or reject the other. Full disclosure will likely need to be a process that cannot be rushed. I am seeing the things we guard as rather like onion skins to be removed layer by layer. And to mix metaphors, we will likely first let the other only into the outer court of our secrets, and then to wait to see how that is received. If we remain or become trustworthy, true intimacy will surely follow.

Father, two of the biggest fears we have through self disclosure are likely fear of rejection, and fear of being judged. I know that there are many who avoid You Lord, for these very same reasons. But You tell us “He who comes to me I will nowise cast out” (John 6:37), and “There is now therefore no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). Help us Lord to be imitators of You, loving as Christ has loved, forgiven and received us (Ephesians 5:1,2). Open our eyes Lord to see that there really is no difference, and help us to receive and accept each other just as You have received and accepted us. In Jesus Name Amen