Jesus teaching on forgiveness is surely one of the hardest things He taught. Part of this of course is that forgiveness is no easy thing. What is the saying “To err is human, to forgive divine”? And to forgive to the point where our hearts agree with our decision to forgive is even harder. Of course He never commands what He does not, with His help, enable us to do. But it is still not easy.
And forgiving those who are closest to us, father, mother, spouse etc., when they have hurt us to the core, can seem at times, like giving approval for abuse, or betrayal. “They do not deserve to be forgiven”. If this is how you feel, then the last thing I am about to do is to try and persuade you that you are wrong. The point though is that in the final analysis, we don't deserve to be forgiven either. This is brought out clearly in the parable of the unmerciful servant (Matthew 18). This perspective of the desperate need of being forgiven by God is completely foreign to a society that does not admit that there is such a thing as right and wrong. We do need to be consistent though. If there is no such thing as right and wrong then the “wrong” done to us cannot be wrong either!
The main problem with unforgiveness, it that is it a prison that keeps us tied emotionally to the one who has offended us. I know of people who decades after their wounding, still hold a grudge. From their perspective the one who wounded them messed them up so badly, they are no longer able to function normally. Thus everything that goes wrong, every problem they encounter, is the fault of the other person. The Biblical principle that we need to embrace here, is that we are not responsible for the sins committed against us. We are however responsible for our response to them. To blame the other person for everything, is tantamount to giving away control of our lives. “I did this or that because he messed me up”. In doing so we fail to take charge of our lives. This leads to bad decisions which mess us up even more, but of course its his fault not mine. Right? Yeah right!
Nobody is saying that life is fair here, that forgiveness settles the justice issue.
But the greatest injustice, the greatest unfairness that ever existed, is that we crucified the spotless Son of God. And yes, I do say we, because it was your sin and mine that necessitated His sacrifice to bring us home to the Father.
But forgiveness is so hard at times, that we cannot always handle the whole thing in one foul swoop. He knows this, He knows our weakness. Sometimes it has to start with, “I don't want to forgive this person, but I am willing to forgive”. Sometimes I have to go even one step further back than this. “I am not willing to forgive, but I am willing to be willing”. We need to give the Lord what we can. When we do this, He works in us to will and to do what He commands (Philippians 2:13). I have mentioned it before and will no doubt mention it again. When God commands something He does it for our provision and our protection. We do need His help here, many times. I need His help to keep my heart uncluttered from these things.
One final point for now, forgiving someone is not the same as saying that what they did was okay, it is not negating the harm that they caused us. Actually, the very fact that there is something to forgive says that is was not okay. And no they don't deserve it. So I choose to give them a gift that they do not deserve, and then I leave it to God to deal with them. It then becomes His problem not mine. This is the only way to start to get free from the harm done to us, and to break free from the 'ungodly soul tie' with that person. Forgiveness is an important key in healing life's hurts.
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