Speaking the truth in love. Restoring desolations ... III.

Today's lesson is not recovery 101, and it may not be where you are in your journey, but at the very lest it is what we need to aim for. It requires more than a little maturity. Paul emphases this in the context of the passage alluded to above. In Ephesians 4:14 he says “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves …". Verse 15 reads “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ”.

Recovery does not take place outside of relationships. It is safe to say that in fact it only takes place within the context of relationships, as we (re-) negotiate our part in making them work. There are two common ways we make null and void the intention of verse 14 (to grow up in Him). The first way is to speak the truth, but not do it in love. Have you ever thought “I want to give him a piece of my mind”. 'No, no brother (sister), you you need every last bit of it' (your mind :) ). So we speak before we get our anger under control, and when we do that, we say too much, speaking things we can never take back. Or we say things in a way that cannot be heard. When we are speaking the truth in love, our primary goal is to make peace (Romans 12:18). Reconciliation should be our goal. It was God's central purpose in sending Christ (Ephesians 1:9,10). We can far too easily get caught up in the acid or bitterness (see January 27,31). This does not foster growth.

The second way to render this teaching null and void, is to say nothing when something needs to be said. Knowing when something needs to be said, requires discernment. Certainly there will be times when it is better to just leave it, or to leave it until an appropriate time. I find that journaling helps. How many letters have I written in this process of journaling, but not sent? The answer is many and in fact, the vast majority! We need to ask the Lord about the what, the when and the if.

Some people are just not ready to hear the truth, in which case we may need to wait for His timing to speak. Or we may still be too angry to be able to say what needs to be said in love. Another problem, especially when we are hurt and/or when we think of ourselves as a victims, is that we can make mountains out of molehills. Part of “growing up in Him” (i.e. maturity) is coming to the place where we know ourselves well enough to know when we are overreacting. Another part of maturity is coming to the place where we start to recognize that we may have been demanding too much from the other person, expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can supply. Far too often we operate out of our woundedness (see does victim status + political power = Justice – November 2010).

On the other hand, this teaching about speaking the truth in love, is very difficult for those of us who are chronic conflict avoiders. We can tell ourselves that it is virtue, to overlook an offense, and there are certainly times when this is true. However when with our silences we are in effect demanding that the other person overlook our offenses, our holding back can feel to them like punishing silences. In such cases holding back may have the appearance of virtue, but it may mask conflict avoidance or an unwillingness to hold the other person accountable, or in fact to be accountable ourselves. Those who attend such organizations as ALANON, learn about this as they discover that they have inadvertently been playing the role of “enablers”.

Sometimes what keeps us from saying what needs to be said is fear. It certainly takes courage to speak the truth in love. But when something really needs to be said, and it is not said, it has strong consequences for our relationships, for our feelings for the other person. What happens is that when things that need to be dealt are left or nursed, they fester building up reservoirs of frustration and resentment and disrespect in the one who remains silent. Feelings of love and positive regard are undermined, and over the long term, will destroys both love and respect completely. These things also rob us of the joys of reconciliation, and of taking our relationships to a deeper level. They rule out understanding and intimacy. They keep us trapped in isolation, and loneliness, and of course it is all their fault!

Part of the problem is that for some of us, we have had no positive experiences in the past of making up, of reconnecting after an argument. If we were raised in a home where nobody ever said sorry, we are not likely to be able to say sorry ourselves. Saying sorry is a pre-requisite for reconciliation, as its the realization that it takes two to tangle. There are always faults on both sides. Even when the other person is grossly at fault, we often need to apologize for our reaction to that fault (judgementalism, unforgiveness etc.). I have found it best to choose to believe that the other person is doing the best they can with the hand they have been dealt. If we approach each other Biblically (being willing to seriously consider that we ourselves are not perfect - Galatians 6:1), then speaking the truth in love gives us both an opportunity to grow. We may defensively erect high towing walls to keep the bad out. But such walls keep the good out too, and they keep the bad in, and they keep us stuck.

There is much teaching on this important subject. There are whole courses on “boundaries” which gives us relevant teaching which can help us to sort out monitor and change the words we use with others and ourselves too. I recommend the works of Cloud and Townsend, and their teaching on boundaries.