Last day we were talking about the pressures that generational sins play in our lives. The “sins of the fathers”, while it certainly includes our immediate ancestors, can be (correctly) understood more widely in a tribal way, or as from within our culture (see 2 Peter 3:4). To put this another way we can apply the lessons the Lord is trying to teach us here, to our dealings with all of the people and things that affect, and have affected us from the outside, with the things done to us, with the “hand” life has dealt us. The default mode is to yield to these pressures, to follow the same bad examples, to do the very same things done to us, to get mad, to seek revenge, to obsess, to judge and condemn those who have hurt us, or failed to provide for us. The default is to blame our current emotional state on things that have come from the outside. We tell ourselves “I am the victim here”. We become bitter, and in doing so become stuck and remain stuck, in our pain. It sucks, it really sucks!
The Biblical way to get free of all of this is radical. But we will not become whole by doing the same things we have always done. Some make it seem too easy “Just get over it”, but that is to trivialize the pain. Some make it too hard, and at least for me, outside of Christ it would have be impossible. Without His help it is difficult indeed. Without Christ some seem to manage to change their behaviour, but don't seem to receive healing. This is even true of some Christians, who do not seem to have learnt to rest in Him.
No one is saying it is easy. One preacher put it this way “people don't change when they see the light, they change when they feel the heat”. Certainly it helps to understand, but understanding is not enough (see “Psychology without faith is lame”, August, 2010). The same preacher also said “People change when they are hurt enough have to, learn enough want to, and receive enough to be able to”. The last part of this is what I was talking about in the first corner stone of recovery (the healing that comes in the process of connecting with God).
Dealing with what life hands us is a crossroads, with the default mode being to yield to the pressures of the “sins or the fathers”, that are being “visited upon us”. We do have choices, as adults we are not helpless victims (but see 1 Corinthians 13:11). The choice to ignore (or remain ignorant of) the way out that God has provided, is still a choice. There is no fence here, there is no middle ground. We either substantially yield to the pressures from the hand we have been dealt, or with His help, with the help of the Holy Spirit who dwells within us (if you have surrendered to Christ), we learn to overcome, and in the process receive His healing.
The immediate context of the “sins of the father's” passage (Exodus 20:5B), is the commandment not to bow down or to worship idols (Exodus 20:5A). Worship of dumb idols was a major problem in Ancient Israel. However, we need to understand idolatry in a broader sense as applying to just physical idols, and include anything that takes the place of God in our lives. Thus the pursuit of stuff can be an idol, to the workaholic his job is the idol, to the one who is bitter, getting even is his “god”. Whatever dominates our time and energy and focus is our idol. Life lived to the full only happens to the extent that God is our focus. I love more if God, is my focus, I have more compassion when I am close to God than if I am preoccupied with something else. We are not talking about religion here, following a set of rules, seeking to establish our own righteousness. In fact religion itself can be an idol. When we allow anything other than God to become our focus, it becomes and idol. When, for example we make inner vows such as “I will never be like my dad, never” (July 8, 2010), our focus it taken off God, and put on “not dad”. When we focus on a negative, it does not produce a positive! In fact the vow becomes a curse, not a blessing, and we remain stuck!
The broader context of the crossroads we are talking about (the curse of the default, or the blessing of obedience) is the 10 commandments themselves, and in particular the commandment that we honour our father and mother (Exodus 20:12). The New testament expands this to “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). It is worth noting that Jesus teaches this in the context of 'switching Fathers' (“that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” - verse 45). I said it was radical did I not?
So how do we do this, how do we honour those who have abused us (for example)? What does it even mean in this context? I said earlier, that it does not honour our parents to pretend that they were perfect when they are not. It is easy to honour those who have honoured you, but to honour those who have not, here is where the rubber meets the road. Here is where I need help (His help). How about you?
It is here where strangely, those who have been hurt the most, have an advantage (if they/you are willing to embrace it). Let me repeat what was said above “People change when they are hurt enough have to, learn enough want to, and receive enough to be able to”. The point is, that the more hurt you are, the more stuck you will likely be, and the more desperate you are likely to be, to get past it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life this hurt? Are you desperate enough to be willing to forgive? Willing mind you, I am not of those who will tell you “Just do it”.
Forgiving those who have hurt you, and honouring those who have dishonoured you, are likely equally difficult. They are of course related. We need to make a distinction between forgiving, and saying that what the person did was not wrong, or that it does not matter. If it was not wrong, or if it did not matter, there would be nothing to forgive. In fact we only really need to forgive when some real wrong has been done. The greater the offense the more meaningful is the forgiveness. Similarly when we have been dishonoured the more meaningful it is to honour the one who dishonoured us. We need to do this for our own sakes, and for the sakes of those we influence (our children to the third and fourth generation). And we need to start by being willing. Sometimes our prayer needs to be “Lord help me to be willing”, or even “Help me to be willing to be willing”.
It helps me to understand that our caregivers likely did their best with what they had. Consider the established fact that almost all abusers were themselves abused. Even the worst offenders are not likely to want to have hurt their children. But is it hard to change. Paul put it this way “The good things I want to do, I don't do them. The bad things I don't want to do, these things I do” (Romans 7 - see January 2011). On top of this, my parents generation (yours too?) had none of the type of teaching that is available today. I said at the beginning of this series of posts that this type of teaching has been hidden from the Church for a long time. Of course it has also been hidden from the World. But just as the desperate needs of our increasingly sick society have motivated Psychological research, so has our Heavenly Father been revealing these Biblical teachings to those who will listen.
So begins the process of “learning enough to want to”. Choosing to become whole is in many ways a difficult choice, but for those of us who are parents, this “visitation of the sins of the fathers” can powerfully motivate us to change. When we see our children sick, most of us would gladly take their place if we could (we too do the best with what we have). So then when we start to understand the long term effects that our faults, foibles, short comings and iniquities have upon our children, and our children's children, this can help us to come to terms with it all so that we leave a positive legacy to “a thousand [generations]” as we seek to love Him and obey His commandments”.
Finally to say something about when we “receive enough to be able to”. I ask this question often “Do you want to be made whole?” (see July 2010). Within the trinity of Bible help, self help and God's help, part of my part is to ask for His help. James tells us “we do not have, because we do not ask” (James 4:2B). So let's ask. Here is a prayer to pray. “Father in Heaven, please forgive me for the many times I shut You out. You know the many things that have hurt me, but You know what suffering is all about, and You understand (Hebrews 4:15). Help me to receive all that You make available to those who seek to walk in Your ways. Give me what I need in order that my sufferings will draw me into Your healing embrace. Show me clearly what I need to surrender to You, for Your Word tells me that when I surrender it all to You, then You are at work in my willingness, in my desires to do the good, and You are at Work in the wherewithal to do it (Philippians 2:12,13). Help me to do my part (John 8:31) so that I can claim Your promise that You will start (continue) the process of healing my broken heart. In Jesus name. Amen”.
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I read Stephen King's "The Shining" this week.
ReplyDelete"Sins of the father", indeed.