Second revisit of “Guard your heart with all diligence”

It would be easy to read into last days post that I feel that God expects us to stay in abusive or intolerable situations. While the command is always to love, there are certainly times when the way to guard our hearts is to withdraw. I have to wonder how many marriages could have been saved if a spouse, while giving a clear and firm ultimatum to the other spouse, had guarded his or her heart by removing themselves from the situation before it got too bad. And how many of those that do give such an ultimatum return too soon, before it has been established that the other person is now safe! Promises are not enough!

As I mentioned earlier we are doing a course on boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and one of the follow up books by the latter author is called “Beyond boundaries,” with the subtitle “learning to trust again in relationships.” He deals well with this subject answering such questions as how, when and if it is safe to re-establish a strained relationship, and how to create a safe environment and healthy interpersonal dynamics.

We do need to beware of giving pat answers here, formulas to be followed. There are no easy answers. There is a famous quote from Albert Einstein that seems to fit here, it is “Problems cannot be solved by the level of awareness that created them.” Sometimes we are totally unaware of the problems until they are right on top of us, but in fact they may have been handed down from generation to generation and never even acknowledged let along dealt with. Dealing with such problems takes time and commitment and determination, and it takes a new level of creativity and openness and hard work. In fact the very best thing is for both parties to come humbly to the foot of the cross where there is no difference for all have sinned!

The 12 step Christ centred program Celebrate Recovery is useful here, especially if both spouses get involved. The program is specifically designed to help us deal with our issues in a Biblical way. It is important that both spouses go, since although the presenting problem often seems to involve only one spouse, the problems are never ever only one sided. In particular in a dysfunctional relationship it is inevitable that co-dependency issues arise. So both parties need to work on their own issues. And we all have issues!

Father, help me to see my part in the relationship difficulties I have had over the years and in fact still have at some level. Please help me to concentrate on dealing with my issues, and underline for me over and over that I am the only one I can change in Jesus name Amen