Conflict, intimacy and the cross (I) Humility

I was saying last day that a deep and intimate relationship cannot be established without a period of conflict or mutual suffering. I also said that what needs to happen when we find ourselves in conflict, is that we need to come together in humility, to the foot of the cross. In the light of the cross, our suffering, being misunderstood, being falsely accused, judged and rejected, these things all come sharply into perspective. The Scripture admonishes us, for example, to “consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself.... You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin. (Hebrews 12:3,4). Resisting unto bloodshed of course, is talking about martyrdom, and if you are reading this, then you have not yet been martyred! We also read “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats” (1 Peter 2:23).

I am not suggesting that we return to situations that are unsafe, but I am thinking about situations where in our overreactions we can take on a martyr complex, a victim mentality. In such situations, the “victim” needs to be “the better person.” In other words like Jesus, we need to not retaliate or make threats. We need to remember our propensity to make the other person’s faults bigger, and our own smaller. It’s part of our fallen human nature! And we need to stop jumping to conclusions, thinking that we know very well what the other person’s motives are, and judging them accordingly. A Christian counselor I know told me one time “When we are in conflict, both know only about 10% of the truth.“

At the foot of the cross, when we are both seeking as much as is possible within us to live at peace with the other (Romans 12:18), we come to the place where we can gently tell each other what is bothering us. Someone I know and love told me one time “I didn’t realize how selfish I was until I got married.” As I have said before, I am convinced that marriage is one of God’s primary tools to make us more like Christ. But we have to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21), we need to give each other the benefit of the doubt, and to start the process of regarding others more highly than we think of ourselves (Philippians 2:3). We at least need to start treating the other this way! This is what was happening with the above “someone” and her husband. The fact of the matter is, that we are all selfish at heart, and it is only through conflict that our hidden negative traits can be brought to the surface, where they can be dealt with. There are many helps available for conflict resolution! We need to take advantage of them.

Father, what I am saying this morning is so far from our natural human way of doing things, that it is virtually impossible. It is however possible, with a lot of help from You. And I want to thank you again this morning Lord that such help is indeed available. We simply need to come boldly before the throne of grace to obtain mercy and the grace to help (Hebrews 4:15, 16). Lord I want to ask You to help me this morning to start to see others as You see them. For You see them with all their faults covered by the blood, and the real treasure of who they are in You, shining through. With You Lord even this is possible, and I want to thank You again this morning in Jesus Name Amen