Our hurts, habits and hang ups (IV) Coming out of denial

Denial, in the recovery sense, is about an unwillingness to see something that, for whatever reason, we don’t want to see. It is recognized in Psychology as a widespread coping mechanism to help us to deal with a variety of circumstances and issues. When my father died my first response was “I don’t believe it.” Well I just didn’t want it to be true. In cases like this, it can be helpful in terms of the process of coming to terms with the loss. But if it had gone on for too long it would have been dysfunctional. Dysfunctional denial is widespread, and I dare say that at some level we are all there. The Scriptural indication of this comes in John 16:12 where Jesus told the disciples “I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.” If those who had lived in close quarters with Him 24/7 still had issues, it’s likely we do too!

Denial and rationalization are closely related, and it’s so much easier to blame others. Many times it takes crisis after crisis before we become willing to see what we don’t want to see. At the breakup of a marriage for example you either learn a great deal, or you learn virtually nothing. And if we learn nothing, we go on to make the same choices that ended the previous marriage. C.S. Lewis said that “God whispers to us in our pleasures, but shouts to us in our pain, it is God’s megaphone to tell us something's wrong.” There is a recovery saying that we don’t change (in particular we don’t come out of denial) when we see the light, we change when we feel the heat! And this will not likely happen until the pain of being stuck becomes greater than the pain and fear of change.

We may have to come to a series of bottoms (crises - places where we reach the end of our rope), before we come out of denial and become willing to  examine our choices. For myself there were two phases to this, one that lead to conversion, and the other to my entering recovery. With regard to recovery, I had been learning recovery principles for some time in order to help “those people.” Then in crisis I discovered I am one of you! If we come out of denial and into recovery this way, we will need help. We will need a safe place to unburden, and many go to therapists, or close friends. For me both of my  “bottoms”  ultimately drove me to the Lord, where I “poured out my complaint” (Psalm 142:2) to Him. I did go to a Christian therapist for a while. He told me “For a very good reason, you don’t trust anyone.” But I did trust the Lord, and my initial healings came from Him! But there was much more work to be done!

Father, I have the sense that we are either growing in recovery, or we are falling back (1 Corinthians 10:12). As with many things in life, in recovery there is no fence! That is not to say we need to do recovery 24/7,we do need sabbaths, but they is part of our healing, our convalescence.  Nobody is saying this is easy,  we need Your help, and in fact we need the help of others too. You made us that way. Open up safe places for us Lord, safe places in You, and safe places in community, in Jesus Name Amen in recovery