The “games” we play (II) Removing the fig leaves

It’s so much easier to see the faults in the other person, rather than in ourselves. And that is why, if we are if we are to have intimacy in a relationship, we need first and foremost to be tenderhearted and forgiving (Ephesians 4:32). But it’s not enough! We need to see the parts we play in our relationship difficulties, and to take responsibility for them. This is the case even if our only fault is wrong responses to the wrong done to us. And more often than not, that is hidden from us! But, not thinking about cases of abuse, it is very, very likely that it’s a lot more than that. In the breakup of the marriage for example, it is common for both parties to blame the other hundred percent. That’s 100% unclaimed blame! But it’s never 100% to zero, never. The problem as I say, is that it’s so much easier to see the other person’s faults. 


A key principle in the Bible’s solution to intimacy and freedom, is that we need to confess our faults one to another, and to pray for one another. When we do this, healing is promised (James 5:16). But in order to do this, we need to see our own faults. When we don’t, seeing only the others other person’s faults, we are much more likely to confess that person’s faults. “You did this,” ‘Well you did that!’ This is not so healing! Prayer plays an important part here. Since we are commanded to pray even for our enemies (Matthew 5:24), we should certainly pray for our partner. And the prayer should rather be “Father help us both to see our faults,” rather than “Show him or her their faults!” I have found journaling, and listening prayer helpful in coming to terms with my faults. But we often need help, a lot of help!

There is no recovery program or process that is a one-size-fits-all kind of deal. Each has its strengths and weaknesses, but what I want to say here, is that there are some interesting and useful aspects to working the steps of a 12 step program. Coming into forgiveness is a part of this, but there is so much more! I am thinking particularly of doing the fearless moral inventory, that is systematically making a list of those who have hurt us, of those we have hurt, and asking ourselves what was my part in it. This process is designed to lead us past the blame game, and to see how our own “games” fuel our relationship difficulties. It would be so much easier if this was part of the marriage preparation course. But most of us will only come to this through crisis. When we do the fellowship that most twelve-step programs bring, give us a safe and encouraging place to help us to come to terms with these things.

Father, when Adam and Eve covered themselves with fig leaves, they were hiding not only from You and from each other, they were hiding from themselves. It can be very painful Father to come out of hiding. And this is why the gospel, which assures us of Your extravagant, unconditional healing love and acceptance, is so important. And I ask You this morning Lord, to draw us deep into the experience of intimacy with You and each other as we confess our faults first to You (1 John 1:9) and then to each other. We need Your grace and courage and peace to do this Lord, and we come boldly before the throne of grace this morning to receive these things in Jesus Name Amen