The need to fight fair (III) Resources

I suspect that most couples at the time they get married, can hardly imagine that they would encounter marriage difficulties. And because of this in my view premarital counseling should both be mandatory, and at the very least include the the following facts of life (a) that we have an enemy of our souls who is bent on our destruction, and we must not be ignorant of his devices (2 Corinthians 2:11), (b) that in many things we all fail (James 3:2), (c) that we will have (not might have) troubles in the flesh (1 Corinthians 7:28), and (d) that in light of how seriously God regards covenant, we should take our pledge "Until death do us part" to engender in us a determination that divorce is not an option.

Obviously, in a blog of three paragraphs and a prayer, the list of admonitions cannot be exhaustive. I also want to say that a lot of this applies to any conflict, not just the marital conflict. Biblical relational admonitions include the need to love and respect one another (John 13:43, Ephesians 5:33), the need to be tenderhearted and forgiving of one another, to not let the sun go down on our wrath (Ephesians 4:32, 26), the need to think more highly of the other than of ourselves, to imitate Jesus in not grasping or demanding our rights (Philippians 2:3, 5-7). And to repeat something I said earlier, to realize that the person with whom we are in conflict is not the enemy, and that our conflict should be regarded as an opportunity to come together to the foot of the cross. Other passages include Matthew 5:23,24, James 5:16 and if this fails Matthew 18:15-17. There are also many secular resources which can easily be found by typing “creative conflict” into a search engine. It’s remarkable how Biblically based much of this secular advice is.

I suspect that most of us either fight too much, or not enough. But actually if we don’t engage in loud raucous arguments, we will nevertheless, likely fight in more hidden ways. I’m thinking, for example of withdrawal and punishing silences that often follows conflict avoidance. As I have said, if we don’t deal with what needs to be dealt with, we push the problems under the rug until what’s under the rug is a monster. If one of the partners then wakes up and sees the destruction conflict avoidance is causing, he or she is likely to be seen as the problem. The point is the one seeking to deal with the problems is violating the unspoken, unwritten and usually unconscious, but nevertheless strongly held rules “Don’t think, don’t speak, don’t act, don’t rock the boat.” Since these rules are not acknowledged, the one “rocking the boat” is seen as the troublemaker, the villain, the one not willing to keep the peace. What I am saying, is that where there is conflict avoidance, its destructive nature needs to be revealed and it be the very first issue to be dealt with.

Father, while the thief came to kill steel and to destroy, You sent Your Son to destroy the works of the devil, and to lead us into the abundant life (John 10:10; 1 John 3:8). We need to be constantly reminded of Your perspective Lord, that our struggle is not against each other, but against unseen spiritual forces of wickedness (Ephesians 6:12). Help each and every one of us this morning Lord, to not get distracted, to not be drawn away, but to stay close to the flame. We need Your help Father, I do, and we will give You thanks and praise in Jesus Name Amen