Conflict avoidance (II): Iron sharpening iron and conflict (III)

In talking to and reading about those who initiate divorce, I have observed that the testimony often goes along the lines of “I woke up one day to realize…” It may be a midlife crisis, it may I have been a last straw in the relationship that broke the camels back. It may just have been a sudden awareness that what they had, was not what they signed up for. And it is at this point, that we need to take a long hard look at the covenant that we signed in marriage. I remember reading something by M. Scott Peck to the effect that if one of the parties is in recovery and the other not, then divorce is inevitable. I don’t believe that, because with God all things are possible, but I’m not saying that it’s easy!

They say that if you put a frog in a kettle of cold water and then bring it to the boil, it will stay there until it boils to death. But if you it into boiling water, it will immediately jump out. Whether this is a true biological fact or not, it makes the point that the death of love, or the slide to dysfunction, or one of the parties coming into a radical disrespect of the other, these things can be a slow fade. Unlike the frog however, there is often a sudden realization of the type mentioned above. For the Christian the death of love, or the arrival of “for worse” should not be the end of the matter. For a start, we are commanded to love even when it has died, after all our God is a God of resurrection. There is a vow that I believe should be part of every marriage covenant. Couples should promise that if either of them ever came to the place where they seriously thought marriage counselling was necessary, then the other would agree to go.

And part of the reason I say this, is because the sudden realization of the dysfunction often comes because one or the other of the party has been engaging in conflict avoidance. And it’s easy to see how this could happen. I mean each individual issue, as it comes up, may seem hardly worth fighting for. I mean fifty years from now it’s not likely to matter! But these things can be cumulative. Disrespect, for example, can creep up as the other party is perceived to have no backbone. Or the one with no backbone can certainly obtain backbone, with a realizations of the type I was talking about above. Such a realization almost always necessitates a re- negotiation of the relationship. But often the partner of the one who comes to the realization often has absolutely no idea that anything is wrong. They tell themselves “My partner is suddenly being totally unreasonable, he or she is the one with the problem. I don’t have problem. He is the one with the problem, I don’t need to change, there is nothing in me that needs to change!”

Father, our culture has embraced “no-fault” divorce. I think though that a more accurate description is “both fault.” In fact the Scriptures tell us that we all have many faults ( James 3:2). Most of the time at some level we are blind to them, and it is only the iron sharpening iron process that will reveal it! They say it takes a village to raise a child, and likely it also takes a village to preserve a marriage. A marriage in trouble needs a lot of help, even to hear each other! Your Word tells us that You make us one spirit in order that we might produce godly children. It is the children who suffer the most in a divorce. Research shows that most children of divorce suffer life long trauma. No wonder You hate it (Malachi 2:15, 16). We really do need your help Father, and so I ask for it again this morning Lord in Jesus Name Amen (Malachi 2:15, 16). We really do need your help Father, and so I ask for it again this morning Lord in Jesus Name Amen