Guilt trips, manipulation and control

The last two posts “We don’t know what we don’t know!” and “There is nothing hidden which will not be revealed,” leads to the question “How on earth are we to deal with these things?” There is no easy answer. We have likely been operating in our ways, for a very long time and, at least at some level, are likely not fully conscious of it. It’s like when we are good at doing something, we operate on autopilot as we sometimes do driving a car. I mean you automatically obey the lights, and, at least with me, there are times when I wonder “was the light green?” It was, it’s just that I have been doing this for so long, the neural pathways in the brain automatically take over. It’s like this in the way we operate in relationships. And a lot of it's not good!

I don’t suggest you do this, but one time I accused a woman of being manipulative. She got angry, and I don’t think she meant to let the cat out of the bag, but she told me “I won't allow that at home, and I won’t allow it with you.” Now not allowing things can be legitimate, we should not allow people to be disrespectful. In this instance, and you will have to trust me on this, manipulation was a habit with her, and it seems she got away with it at home by using her anger to disallow it. “It costs to challenge mum.” We need to be respectful and afford dignity in our dealing with others, and in that I was at fault. The interesting thing  about manipulation though, is that when somebody is habitually manipulative, they often accuse others of being manipulative when resisted. It's called projection.

So was this me when I accused this lady of manipulation? Good question. But let’s see how I might have handled it differently. I could have said “You know when you do, or say such and such, I feel manipulated.” ‘Well I am not manipulating you!’ “I didn’t say you were, I said I feel manipulated, so can we try and approach this in a different way. You clearly want something, and well perhaps we can negotiate it?” Or perhaps it’s a guilt trip “You know how lonely I am, and how much I appreciate spending time with you!” In the end it may be a reasonable request, but it also may be making unreasonable and unrealistic demands. Which is it? We should take it to the Lord of course, but one of the questions we can ask ourselves, is “Am I resenting this, have I gone the second mile, and am being asked to go the tenth?” People will always make demands on us, and we cannot please everybody. And what this may be revealing, is a need to learn about boundaries (when to say yes, and when to say no), and how to put them in practice. There are many helpful resources to help us with this.

Father, when we start to learn both what we do, what we have allowed and how we may even have trained others to deal with us in these way, it is very easy to get angry. And as one author put it, we might not be so nice to be around for a while. So please Lord give us grace, help us to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as You forgave us (Ephesians 4:32) in Jesus Name Amen