That they may be one as We are One (III) negotiation

 I rent rooms to students,  many of whom are international.  And over and over,  I find them wanting to barter (negotiate)  with me over what any Canadian would know is a fixed price.   I explain that  our culture is not a bartering culture, and that if were, I would not be starting with my bottom line.  I often go on to say that I think it is a pity we are not a negotiating culture, and the reason I say this is twofold. Firstly when we negotiate in good faith it helps build relationships, and secondly our no-negotiating culture has spilled over outside of financial considerations,  and far too often we operate out if a “my way, or the highway” mentality.   It seems to me that we learned this from our culture,  and is in fact part of what  is  "visited on us  from  the fathers" (see Exodus 20:5  and earlier posts).

There are, of course,  a few exceptions in our non-negotiating culture, as when you are buying a house, or at a garage sale.  But even there, the bartering is superficial.  I mean if you negotiate too hard they are likely to walk away.  In other cultures, the negotiating can go on for days. While we were in Uganda on one of my sabbaticals,  I came across a Swahili proverb which roughly translated says “The secret of peace in marriage is negotiation.”  And partially through this, I came to believe that premarital counseling needs to include teaching each other  how to negotiate fairly.  Actually whether we admit it or not, we do negotiate, but more often than not, it is unfair  rigid and toxic, using such things as manipulation,  control, anger,   domination,  punishing silences and the like.  

It is not just in marriage of course, but in any significant relationship. It seems to me that we should negotiate with our children as they pass from the dependent stage into adulthood. And  one of the  things we might do, is to link freedom and privilege (getting the car for example)  with responsibility.  This can of course start  early. More generally  I am convinced  in marriage and elsewhere,  that when we learn to negotiate with love, openness,  honesty and respect, it will  build understanding and strengthens relationships.  Coming back to the children, from what I can see from my travels, the so called “generation gap” is cultural. And I strongly suspect the generation gap in the West is related to our “take it or leave it” way of operating that is visited on us.

Father, I see it everywhere, in the home, in the church and elsewhere, that we are more into control than we are into negotiation. And I suspect that if we are aware at all of this, it is only vaguely  and below the surface.  So open our eyes Lord, and teach us  to negotiate in love, faith, honesty openness,  flexibility and  with Grace.  We need Your help Lord You are the best teacher in the universe.  And so we come to You this morning Lord for that help.  And I pray again Lord search my heart and show me what I need to know, to go forward in Jesus Name Amen